One time when I was really little (like.. 8 okay) my dad started tickling me and I said “knock it off you twat” because I had heard twat from my older brother and my dad stated laughing so hard and I cried and ran away and on the way down the hall my pants fell down so I was screaming with a bare naked ass and my dad just kept laughing and I won’t forget that day. 

I had a dream last night that Phil called me and apparently Dan got into popping pills and so I went to their flat and the place was littered with pills and I found two of Dan’s fake IDs in the bathtub (??????) and one of them said he worked at a museum and his picture was like 

And then Phil tapped me on the back and I turned around and he was holding a bag with a snake in it and I screamed and left and he chased after me with a cup of coffee and said “No, stay for a while!" 


Imagine if someone were to knock on your front door, right now, with a one way ticket to anywhere in the world. Your flight would leave tomorrow morning, giving you enough time to pack your belongings. Your job would be put on hold, you would have an unlimited amount of cash, and your schooling would be temporarily stopped until you wished to proceed with it again. 

Would you be willing to abandon every aspect of your life and start somewhere new as soon as tomorrow? 

So my mom hates it when anyone in my family said “oh my god” or “jesus christ” or “oh my lord”. (she’s strictly religious.)

So we got cookies and cream ice cream. I took one bite and yelled “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MUST BE WHAT GOD’S BALLS TASTE LIKE" 

Long story short she is forcing us all to go back to church now. 

One time in fourth grade, I went to school in my brother’s clothes and put my hair up and made everyone call me Marshall. I had later raised my hand to answer a question, and the teacher stifled laughter and through giggles called on me and said “Okay, Slim Shady, please stand up.” I didn’t get why she was laughing so hard but now I do and now I’m crying

Let me tell you the story of this stuffed sheep. I got it for Easter when I was 6. He was giant, and I named it Jack. I slept with it every night. I was recently cleaning out my closet, and found Jack. I put Jack in the hallway, and my mom found it. She said that one of her friends has a little boy who is very sad, and that he loves sheep. She asked if she could give it to him. I didn’t want to, because I love keeping things from my childhood. I sighed, kissed my sheep on its little woolen nose, and gave it away. 

My mom sent me this picture of the little boy sleeping with the sheep. I cried when I saw it. I kind of felt like Andy from Toy Story when I realized that toys should be loved, and played with, and not sit in a closet for 10 years. 

I hope he takes care of it. I gave a little boy something that used to make me happy, and it made him happy. Sometimes, letting go is worth it.