Matsui Rena's Official Blog - 08\12\2013
There was an hand-shake event in Makuhari Messe today.
Thanks to everyone who came.
Spending such a very great time, even my heart feels refreshed!
I’m so happy because lately I enjoy hand-shake event even more than I already used to!
I suffer from insecurity so I felt very insecure
wondering how you’re all seeing me in the latest period…
Which is why I feel so relieved when you come to meet me
in hand-shake events or when I hear your cheering voices during lives.
But that one is not a conceited kind of relief, it’s the relief
caused by seeing how there properly still is someone looking at me.
Now that other members are spreading their fields of activity,
it wouldn’t be weird for me to lose my current position any time soon.
Lately there’s a side of me that feels so insecure as for how
I’m being reflected into your eyes, as for how you’re perceiving me.
Maybe that happens because I’m not able to see your reactions in places
such as the theater, where it’s possible to see the audience’s reations from a close distance…
Without any reactions it feels like being immersed in the dark and it’s really scary…
I’m continuously thinking about whether my way of thinking and the direction I’m walking towards are the right ones, about my way of existing inside the group, about my position etc…
Being able to see what’s really right about this kind of things is quite difficult…
It’s because of this that I want to go on working hard in order to be perceived as necessary and in order to be recognized by more and more people!
I’m sure that my tenacity right now is still not enough!
I really want to be recognized as an individual and as a Team, after all.
I think I should also properly convey what I’m feeling right now to my juniors.
I don’t know if I’m right…I might actually not be, but if I fear that I might really be wrong, then I think it’s better to properly convey my feelings.
With things as they are now, there’s nothing I can feel satisfied about.
In order to give a shape to this obscure feelings of mine, I’d like to work hard perceiving you all as my light.