Stupidest hats in Bloodborne: a definitive inventory
#1: Gold Ardeo. Beyond being merely stupid, this hat is an insult to the concept of the Executioners, who are in all other ways immensely badass and super aesthetic (if, you know, awful, like most or all Bloodborne characters). Their robes are super pretty in their details while also giving that church military vibe, and then when it comes to headgear suddenly it’s traffic cone/die-cast Klansman territory. If that weren’t enough, there literally is no way to see in this hat, which is a theme we find frequently in Bloodborne, but not in connection with the Executioners, who as physical military types really ought to want to see what they’re doing. But honestly, my grudge against this headwear is personal. I really kind of want to cosplay blood&guts Alfred, much more of an experience than just doing the original version, but to do that I would have to make and wear this hat. And that is something that I just cannot contemplate, no matter what other sartorial atrocities I might have to my name.
#2: Master’s Iron Helm. Look, it’s no surprise the League isn’t operating on a super high budget. They’re a bunch of randos who seem to mostly live in the not-so-Forbidden-as-they-claim-but-still-technically-Forbidden Woods, and their obsession with improving humanity seems to run directly orthogonal to everyone else’s obsession with improving humanity, rendering them understandably unpopular. Besides, there’s not a lot of funding left to go around in Yharnam after the secret laboratories and the corpse collectors are accounted for. But. This is a bucket. It is a straight-up bucket, and one in poor enough condition that a Cathedral Ward janitor’s office would have just thrown it out and billed Amelia for a new one. Valtr, my buddy, please: in a world where your enemies bypass armor and rip your head straight off, consider the PR and spend your last few shining coins on a snazzy cap.
#3: Mensis Cage. I’ll tell you, here at the School of Mensis, we hate to come in third. But sometimes you have to come in third in silly hats…to come in first in human evolution. Look, as stupid as the cage looks - which assuredly is extremely stupid - at least you can see out of it, which among this selection is a luxury indeed. And it does tie in pretty well with the whole lunatics strap themselves to chairs to await their horrific death in a ritual the real meaning of which no one understands #aesthetic. And who knows? Once we’ve all ascended, maybe the inferior masses of humanity that remain behind will take on the cage as their newest fashion trend, in hopes of joining us in such rarefied heights of glory. But still…think of all that funding I mentioned earlier. Sure, it’s well spent on decorating Yahar’gul with statues of Amygdala and paying the salaries of a small army of kidnappers, but surely among all that just a little could have been spared on giving the antenna to the gods a bit more streamlined a design. Because quite honestly, it gets a little hard to focus on abandoning your mortal self in search of a higher communion when you’re mostly just trying not to bash your head on a doorway.
Honorable mention: Blindfold Cap. In contrast to every other item on this list, the blindfold cap is honestly pretty cool looking. In conjunction with the heavily embroidered Choir set, it speaks to effort spent more on style than on true pursuit of higher learning - excuse me, I mean to a well-developed sense of aesthetics to complement a concerted academic focus. But people, it is a blindfold. We’re not stupid. We know you haven’t managed to develop eyes. And even if you had, those are eyes on the inside we’re talking about. They’re not going to do any good for profane matters like tripping over your fancy-dress hems. But if you want to keep going on about Master Willem and his contribution to the human project, by all means, be our guests. Just remember that he’s not the one who has to see where he’s going.