reminders of the past

Thanks for letting me spew. Sometimes I need to get the words out once in a while. A reminder of past mistakes, a hint to the future not to do what I did.

I let 15-17 years of my prime life waste away obsessed with how these women hurt me. Dont let that happen to you.

Take life by the horns and ride it. Never look back, live in the moment but keep the future in your head too.

Never give up, never surrender.

could you do a thing with like England and the other British islands brothers on bonfire night?

N. ireland: He actually likes it, but he will always make macabre remarks regarding the reasons for the tradition’s existance.

Republik of Ireland: LOVES it. But she(or he) likes to celebrate it alone. She avoids to celebrate it with her brothers.

Scotland: of COURSE he loves it. It means he can celebrate something. That means he has a justification for being drunk so he is happy.

Wales: Takes the Tradition very, very serious. like - recreating Details. Can be disturbing, sometimes.

England: likes if for the reason that it reminds his people of their bloody past. But he adores it, too for the fact that he can see children smile at the fireworks.

When you have a lot of intensely bad days in a short period - 

  • turn off the news
  • stay off of Facebook/any other social media with content that might upset you 
  • focus on right now
  • clean up your living space 
  • make sure you’re taking your meds
  • drink water
  • don’t drink alcohol
  • if you need a nap, let yourself nap
  • make yourself at least start your laundry
  • take a long shower/bath and do things that focus on making you feel good and clean (floss, brush your teeth, wash your hair, exfoliate, shave, etc.) 
  • pick up a project you put down a while ago, do some art therapy, exercise, or meditate if that’s your thing

Some people might laugh at how much Yuuri and Victor missed each other after being apart for like 3 days at most, but friendly reminder:

Victor and Yuuri spent every single day of the past 7 months together.

Every single day.

Whether it was practice, or taking a bath or mealtime or competitions, for the past 200+ days they were living together and literally saw each other every day.

I’d say it’s even fair to assume that the first and last things they saw on some days were each other.

Then suddenly they’re torn apart and it’s really no surprise that they desperately run towards each other and hug when they finally see each other again. It’s always when someone is not by your side that you realize how much you’ve always loved and appreciated them.

Yes, they’ve been apart for no longer than three days. But after being together for so long, they realized how different it suddenly is to be alone now, versus being alone before they met each other.

And I think that’s important.


Throwback to just a few months ago, in the warm San Diego sun☀️ As I’m trying to find some new swimsuits for this new year, I’m reminded of all the people over the past few years that have told me how I’ve inspired them to wear their first swimsuit or bikini. Honestly that’s one of the best compliments you can give me! If I’ve inspired someone to enjoy life a little more, to not be afraid of a camera, to embrace the feel of the sun shining on their exposed skin, then it’s worth it all.
So here’s to finding some hot new swimsuits and making some waves 🌊💙


Here’s another improvement post. All of these are approximately three-four months apart, so there’s something to say about practice(I think I Said the exact same thing before).

Edit: Bonus, I added my older Percy and short haired Nina edits for fun.


The world is changing so rapidly and we with it. I fear the day will soon come when we no longer recognize either.


Shout out to spiritual people who

-have had past life regressions that has scarred them deeply in this life

-have have been abused by spirits or other entities

-have spirit friends that are supposedly characters from a fictional universe

-have been chastised because they dont fit into the social norm

-have been told that they’re delusional because of what they believe in

-have been told that their god/spirit/entity/higher power is not real

-have been told that their experiences are invalid

-feel that they’re not normal because they dont fit in

-feel that they’re alone

-dont feel like they can talk about their problems because no one understands

-especially when it comes to past life memories

You are not alone.

You are not crazy.

You are a human being living a higher experience. 

if you’re stressed about your grades/future: “you are young and you will take your damn time.”

A few days ago I had an emotional breakdown about my future (surprise lol.) It’s not as though this doesn’t happen daily, but it’s dawned on me that I couldn’t even discern my true desires from what my lack of self confidence was trying to feed me.

I allowed self-deprecation to get the best of me, and it turned an erroneous decision into one that seemed the most “right for my situation.” I had a plan. But I was not confident nor happy with that plan, so I fell apart. 

Parked in front of my dad’s house, I voiced the concern that–although I thought was a result of flakiness–actually stemmed from an acute source of insecurity. 

My dad then turned around and told me something that I’m positive will stay with me forever. 

“Don’t you dare feel like you have limited options based on your past mistakes. You are not limited and you will never BE limited. Don’t rule any opportunity out right now. You’re not running out of options, you just haven’t found all of them yet. You have so much power left.

I asked him what power a teen/young adult could have, and he looked at me with so much conviction and said, “Youth. You have youth, and youth itself holds so much power. You’re only 17. I wish I were 17. I wish I had that much more left in me, but I don’t. You are 17, you are young, and you will take your damn time.” 

I initially interpreted this as a projection of his own regret. But now, I interpret it as empowerment. I think about it whenever I feel completely overwhelmed by all that I have left to do. Why should I consider quitting now? I’m only 17. Many of you are also of high school, college, or graduate school age, and we have such a long way to go. We’re only so young, and compared to our parents–people who have so many decades of experience under their belt–we don’t know the half of what life has to offer us. And that’s ok, because we have so much left to experience. 

In college, I want to explore different courses. I want to find something that’s right for me, but in order to do so, I need breadth of experience rooted in thoughtful discussion and exposure to a range of things. Although I love art, I want to obtain a liberal arts education as well. And finally having said this, I realized that whatever I thought was “right” was only only a thinly veiled attempt to evade my insecurities.

Records don’t matter. Grades are trifling in the grand scheme of things. My future job is only a portion of what will comprise the best days of my life. Bad teachers, vague assignments, tough environments–I can trudge through the difficulties and I will prosper, because that’s what I can do as someone with youth on my side. This isn’t to say that someone who is older doesn’t have the same privilege. My dad wants to continue to program, and all the more power to him!

But that only exemplifies how much time we have as people who are so young. We have a leg up, and I’m certain that we need to utilize the extra time, stamina, opportunity, and youth that we have to make decisions based on our own situations–not on what other people expect of us, and certainly not according to what our stress and anxiety wants us to believe. 

(The last bit is incredibly difficult, I know. But it’s a process!) 

This isn’t to say that I’m not going to worry and stress. I will! Hell, I’m stressed right now just writing this. But I’m improving. 

Ironically, this studyblr doesn’t thrive in standardized education. This studyblr struggles not with content, but with structure. This studyblr is really nervous about the coming year. But even then, I still have so many choices that it’d be insulting of me to become my only limitation. Obstacles are not impenetrable–not when I have so much power on my side. 

Yakov Theory

Yakov and Lila are going to trouble in ep 9 and Yakov is trouble for the future.

First things first Yakov is a great coach. He has trained Victor, Yurio and Georgi which is quite the feat. He must of been a top figure skater himself in the past.

And perhaps in ep9 when Yuri performs he will have a flashback and it will remind him of himself and Lila’s past love. Maybe making him regret how badly he treated Yuri.(more on that later in the post)

Now Yakov has known Victor the longest out of any of our characters so its fair to say he knows Victor & his past better than the rest of us. So we may get more of Victors past out of him next ep in conversations with Yuri.

Yakov is concerned about Victors future, not only for Victor but more for himself.

 Victor is his star pupil and by threatening him by saying he ‘wont be able to come back’ to skating is a no threat to Victor. He is confident enough, that he can take time off and come back.

Still Yakov continues to play with this prospect, in a vain attempt to get Victor back.

So Yakov will do anything in his power to get him back, considering Yurio & Georgi are not flawless winners like Victor.

Victor also has star power, which is good for his image as well. He probably gets lots of advertising money for a star like that.

 Also to Yakov Victor is still a selfish man playing coach.

Perhaps Yakov is right maybe in the past Victor may have done it for the attention but our Victor has change he has clearly fallen head over heels for Yuri.

aww I love them <3

Now Yakov continues to give Victor the cold shoulder of disapproval #megashade

Now for a second here apart from his own gains of getting Victor back perhaps he pities Yuri or will at least pretend to in ep 9.

He either feels sick that Victor is using Yuri for his own gain or he feels sick that his own star pupil has ran off and disgraced him just to play pretend coach.

Not only does Victor’s coaching undermine his own reputation as a coach and by extension any one he trains.

Now back to ep 8

Victor clearly trusts Yakov enough to leave Yuri in his care.


Yakov wants Yurio to win it is his last chance of having a winner at the GPF (Georgi is out) and no way in hell is he going to let Yuri best him.

So what’s he going to do it?

In all likely-hood he along with scary Lila will tell Yuri about Victors past.

How much of a selfish boy he is etc. and here’s the clincher Yakov or Lila will say that Victor did it to impress the audience and strengthen his own career rather than helping our Yuri.

Anxiety is something that doesn’t go away easily, it will crawl back and Yuri will doubt himself, Victor and their relationship.

Enter our saviour Yurio

Now Yurio I expect will come and support him and tell him how much Victor has changed due to Yuri. Inspiring Yuri to do his act and get to the GPF.

Victor and Yuri will meet up but the moods going to be darker but that is for another theory :)