remind me to never commit to something like i did with this guide

the world is yours and you can’t refuse it

In which Damian wants to be an adult, accidentally stumbles into friendship with some dumb ten-year-old half-alien kid, and maybe finds appreciation for the kid still in him too. 

Friendship fluff 

Damian Wayne is not a kid.

He lets Grayson call him “kiddo,” sure. And much to his dismay, there have been times when he, Pennyworth, or Father carried him to his bedroom after he dozed off somewhere else in the Wayne Manor. And he lost his last ba–deciduous tooth more recently than he liked. But that doesn’t make him a kid.

Damian’s earliest memories are being pushed to climb mountains, taught how to fling swords into an opponent’s gut, and told, time and time again, of the legacy he will fulfill. Visceral violence and blood. There was never a time for childhood. At least not one in the traditional sense that everyone else seems to describe.

Besides, he’s thirteen. Surely that adolescent age is finally old enough to be considered on his way to adulthood, his lack of growth spurt and still-high-pitched voice be damned.

Jon Kent, the half-alien, on the other hand? Is perhaps the biggest kid he’s ever known.

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Thoughts about Spn 12x19


First of all TRIGGERWARNING FOR A GRAHPIC DEPICTION OF SUICIDE! If you are sensitive to see such content skip the first minutes until 5:30 (basically what happens is Dagon keeping Kelly as a prisoner, telling her again that she will die and that her son will kill the world. Devasted Kelly kills herself in order to prevent this from happen). The suicide is mentioned again later in dialogue, but I consider this less problematic than actually showing it.

Overall I really liked the episode, mostly because it was Cas-centric. And as many others speculated before this episode was all about Cas future, while 12x10 was about his past and 12x12 about the present. I liked the directing, Amanda Tapping gave us some great shots (though I still think you don’t have to show a suicide simply because it is a trigger to many folks). I am really curious now where the nephilim story is headed and I wasn’t before. They definitely took a spin on it that makes it more ambigious and will now be a huge part of Cas’s fate as well, so we will see.

Speaking off.


Even though the episode is titled “The Future” Castiel reminded me a lot of the past, namely season 6 and 8, with him ignoring the Winchesters and going behind their backs in order to do what he thinks is the right thing. The reason he is doing it is because he thinks he fails at everything and that as well is nothing new. Cas is depressed and commits acts out of desperation since… I dunno, season 8? The difference is that in the past he tried to fix heaven and redeem himself as an angel. Now he tries to redeem himself to his family, the Winchesters. The episode made a point to confirm again what he said in 12x12: Sam and Dean are his family now. He corrects Kelvin that what he is doing is for them, not heaven and later when he tells Kelly that he betrayed his friends he adds the word “family” as well, as though he still gets used to this idea. The problem of course is that for Sam and Dean there is no need for Cas to prove himself to them. What they want is to have him around and be honest with him. What Cas sees as his failures is stuff Sam and Dean never blamed Cas for.

In that regard it is interesting to see the interactions of team free will and how different yet again Dean and Sam’s reactions are regarding Cas. (And speaking of team free will: I know this is a popular fandom term, but Dean said it once, 7 years ago in 5x13, and now he uses it again? Or does he think of them like this all the time?) Sam is just glad Cas is back, Dean is not. He is angry, he is pissed and just as in 12x10 he lets Cas know that his anger is born out of worry. Still, he tries to offer Cas an olive branch here, reminding him that they work better together. Just for Cas to leave again and on top of it, to steal the Colt. And sure, not good, but on the other side it gave us Dean slamming Cas into a wall and I myself will be forever gratefull for that scene.

I found the Cas/Kelly-dynamic interesting as well, and before anyone asks, I don’t think there was anything romantic about it. Cas wanted Sam and Dean out of the mission to spare them to kill an innocent woman, but of course in the end he couldn’t do it either. What a surprise.

Originally posted by gifsforthemasses

If anything I think Cas saw himself in Kelly. First when she mentioned that she was desperate enough to kill herself. The pain on Cas’s face… takes one to know one. And then of course Kelly’s believe in a plan, in fate, in destiny. I think it is no coincidence Dean mentioned team free will again, because right now the conflict of season 5 (or rather the whole Kripke era) comes back again: fate vs free will. Cas is our poster boy for free will and he learned it the hard way. He tries to spare Kelly the pain to learn that there is no greater plan and that her human life doesn’t have any value to the forces of heaven and hell. He also offers her a painless death, which reminded me a bit of Dean offering the vampire in 12x14 a painless death. Also, the fact that no human can walk through the gates of heaven without dying… I think this might become relevant again in one way or another this season.

Kelly on the other hand… I think she already trusted Cas before her child gave her a vision of the future. He had the chance to kill her but he didn’t. He listened to her. He cares about her. And the moment Cas asked who is gonna take care of the child if Kelly dies I knew the answer. Real talk: if I had a child I would totally make Cas the godparent. Also “What would Cas do?” is a question I ask myself every day. I think Kelly’s trust in Cas was a reminder to the audience why we fell in love with this character in the first place: because he is the epitome of goodness and kindness. Kelly saw that. And I think her child somehow too. If this episode was about Cas’s future than it told us what Cas’s purpose on this world is: to save it. To make it a better place. (Which of course the Winchesters do as well, but in a different way) And maybe to guide Lucifer’s child to use his powers for something great. Because power itself is neither good or bad, only the ones who use it. And Kelly said herself, no one is born evil. Also:

Originally posted by darkslayer092

The Nephilim

So how sure are we if this child is evil or not? So far we only know it wants to survive. Did he heal Kelly because he still needed her, as he is not ready yet to be born? Or did he heal his mother out of love? Was there ever a chance to kill this child? Would an abortion even have worked? Also, if nephilims are so powerfull why did Lucifer didn’t create on earlier?

Speaking off Lucifer: what is the plan here? He wants to rule over heaven, hell and everything in between with the power of his child? And as it seems the help of Dagon. I dunno if it was just me, but did it seem to anyone else that Dagon and Lucifer had a thing once? I can’t really picture Lucifer with anyone, especially not a demon, as he always looked down on them (well he looks down on everyone, so). He needed her to make sure Kelly is okay and of course to bring his child to him once it is born. But after that? And what was in for Dagon? Was it just that little power fantasy or more? And why did Lucifer had such power over her, when he was trapped in heaven and has no access to his powers? With her dead now we probably won’t get any more answers regarding their relationship.

The nephilim sure wasn’t a fan of Dagon. And that makes me wonder… of the child just wants to be born, he wouldn’t care about Dagon killing Cas or how Dagon treated Kelly as long as she was still alive. But the nephilim took care of both Kelly and Cas and killed the one thing that was a threat to both of them. He chooses his parents in a way. Now the question is if the child can really show the future. Kelly was so convinced she made sure her vision would happen, driving to the sandbox. And now I wonder what Cas saw. Or is the nephilim manipulating both of them? Remember how Sam thought he was talking to God in the beginning of season 11? Just to learn it was Lucifer all along. And Cas behaviour in the end of course gave me massive Godstiel vibes. We will see.

Some other things:

1. THE MIX TAPE!!!!!! You know who does mixtapes for each other? Boyfriends! This was right out of a fan fiction. And just “It’s a gift. you keep those”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this (arghhh who am I kidding here?) but it felt to me as if Dean was talking about something else as well. As if he wanted to say “I gave you my heart, you can’t give it back to me”.

2. Apparently Cas has a room in the bunker. *makesexictednoises*

3. Once again we are reminded that the Winchesters try to find a better way, that this is not the past repeating itself and even though we had a lot of references to past seasons the outcome might be different. And the grace extraction solution might became relevant again.

4. The Colt is gone for good. I’m not really surprised. It has always been too much of a deus ex machina, too good to be true. Not sure if it could have killed a nephilim but even if not every other hunt would have become way more easier and for this show more boring, so the thing had to go.

See you next week!

Flinthamilton Fic


It’s my first fic for the fandom hooray. I was BLOWN AWAY by Black Sails, and I had to write something for these two. Enjoy!

James did not know it could feel this way.

The times he’s been with men in the past were quick, hot, dirty. In the farthest depths in the farthest back part of the ship in the dead of night, when no one was around or awake to think about what two people were doing in the dark.

The encounters were dry, painful, sporadic. A hand here, another there, rubbing this, poking that. Always fast, never slow. James and whoever he was with couldn’t bear look at each other. When they were done, they would stalk back to their barracks, and never say another word to each other the whole time they were deployed.

James thought that’s how it would always be, that that is what someone like him deserved. If it was immoral, he thought, what right did he have to have it feel good?

Then he met Thomas.

James felt the air shift after they shared their first laugh together, he felt the earth move when they kissed the first time. Supple lips against his, an anchoring, comforting hand at the nape of his neck, guiding him, teaching him, accepting him. Accepting James and everything he was, awaiting everything he would be. That night at the table, a low warmth seeped deep in his belly, rising in his body to his chest while he defended Thomas. It spread to his arms when he placed his hands on either side of Thomas’s torso when their lips deepened. This is as far as the warmth will go, James thought, and that would be enough for him.

But oh, oh, how wrong he was.

He realized how wrong he was when they were in Thomas’s room in London, gilded and pristine and quiet, dimly lit by two candles. Both men already free of their clothes, their hands smoothed their way across each other’s skin, Thomas’s impossibly soft under James’s hands. His hands, though they trembled slightly, ran over the other man’s body with a type of reverence James didn’t know he could express. His eyes fluttered closed when Thomas moved to sit behind him and run his hands across his back, he couldn’t help but groan when he felt lips dot along his shoulders and down his spine.

“You have the sky on your back,” Thomas whispered, breath curling over James’s skin as he spoke.

“What?” James whispered, voice ragged.

“Your freckles, they’re like stars. You have millions of them, all over you,” Thomas said, dotting kisses anywhere he could find.

James chuckled roughly, “I-I believe they’re from my skin being terribly pale, Thomas,” his ability for dry wit was stunted while Thomas left more open mouth kisses on his back.

“Nonsense, they are stars, and they are beautiful.” He kept moving kisses across his back and the back of his neck, moving to kiss the top of James’s arms while his hand stroked his forearm, making goosebumps rise along the skin.

“I want nothing more than to float away in them, and learn every constellation,” murmured Thomas, moving so his lips met James’s, moaning while it deepened. The red headed man let himself be pulled back among the plush sheets as Thomas moved so he was on top of him, legs on either side.

“You’re breathtaking,” whispered Thomas, trailing kisses down James’s chest, his hands dragging along the place his lips just were. James closed his eyes, and reveled in the this feeling, a delicate closeness he never knew was possible. Thomas moaned when he reached James’s hips, the strong muscle and bone moved under his teeth as he dragged them. He let his lips roam down James’s strong legs, grateful that the other man moved his legs so his lips could bless his inner thighs. James groaned and threw his head back.

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anonymous asked:

Salam, Idk if you might understand me but I have this little things running throw my mind telling me I should give up in life & just die. I hate feeling like this but I'm always thinking like My Dua will never be accepted, I'm not good enough, what's the point of all this, & I'm always thinking maybe I should go back to my old ways. I feel like since I repented I'm Having so many problems in my life & people think of me as good person who changed so much, but they don't know I struggle so much.

Alikum Salam

I will try my best to answer your question by referring to the Qur’an and Hadith

Wanting to give up in life and die

“And never give up hope of Allah’s Mercy. Certainly, no one despairs of Allah’s Mercy, except the people who disbelieve.” (12:87)

“Do not give up and do not be downhearted. You shall be uppermost if you are believers” (3:139)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “No one of you should wish for death or pray for it before it comes, for when one of you dies, his good deeds come to an end and for the believer a long life will not increase him in anything but good.” (Muslim)

A version narrated by al-Bukhaari says: “No one of you should wish for death. Either he is a doer of good and will do more, or he is a doer of evil but perhaps he may stop.”

Al-Nawawi said: This hadeeth clearly indicates that it is makrooh to wish for death because of some harm that has befallen one, such as loss or distress caused by an enemy, or other such hardships of this world. But if a person fears harm or fitnah with regard to his religious commitment, it is not makrooh to wish for death, according to this hadeeth, and several of the salaf did that.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of people is the one who lives long and does good.” (Ahmad)

Acceptance of Dua

And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me. So let them respond to Me (by obedience) and believe in Me that they may be (rightly) guided. (2:186)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Nothing can change the Divine decree except Dua.” (Ahmad)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Du’aa’ may be of benefit with regard to what has already happened or what has not yet happened, so adhere to Du’aa’, O slaves of Allaah.” (Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “No precaution can protect against the decree of Allaah. Du’aa’ is beneficial with regard to what has been decreed and what has not been decreed. The du’aa’ meets the calamity that has been decreed and wrestles with it, until the Day of Resurrection.” (al-Tabaraani)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Ask, and you shall be given it; and you shall be given it.” (Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Let everyone of you ask of His Lord all that He wants.” (Tirmidhi)

We were informed by our Prophet ﷺ that Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) fulfills everybody’s wishes so long as a person does not get impatient and say, ‘I asked Allah for so and so and I still haven’t received it’. We are told never to despair of the mercy of Allah (subhan wa ta’ala).

The Prophet ﷺ informed us that there are several forms for the acceptance of dua. One is that you are given what you ask for. Another is that you are given better than what you asked for. A third is that some calamity that was about to befall you has been averted instead. The fourth is that the dua is saved up for you as sawaab/reward for the Day of Judgment. In all cases, asking Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) for things is beneficial. 

Feeling like you are not good enough

He created the heavens and earth in truth and formed you and perfected your forms; and to Him is the (final) destination (64:3)

Indeed, We have created the human being upon the best of forms (95:4)

Allah SWT has created each one of us unique; you will find no two people in the world with the exact same personality, physical appearance, strengths, weaknesses, interests, etc. The way Allah SWT has created you and moulded your personality is for a reason – he has made you this way because he wants you to achieve your full potential and use your abilities for a bigger cause – do not lose heart if the situation looks difficult right now – keep striving and doing your best and, most importantly, keep asking Allah SWT to see you through this difficult time and be by your side – if you have His help, there is no difficult you cannot overcome. Again, remember He has created you the way you are for a reason – Allah SWT makes no mistakes with His creations – you are good enough – you are exactly the way He intended you to be – you only have to work hard to move from strength to strength now.

What’s the point of all this?

(He) who created death and life to test you (as to) which of you is best in deed (67:2)

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me (51:56)

Going back to old ways,

Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe,’ and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allaah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allaah knows all that before putting them to test)” – (29:2-3)

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Saabiroon (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones” (2:155-157)

And We have certainly revealed to you verses (which are) clear proofs, and no one would deny them except the defiantly disobedient. (2:99)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “No misfortune or disease befalls a Muslim, no worry or grief or harm or distress – not even a thorn that pricks him – but Allaah will expiate for some of his sins because of that.” (Bukhari)

Facing struggles after having repented

The Prophet ﷺ said: “If Allah wills good for His slave, He hastens his punishment in this world, and if He wills bad for His slave, He withholds from him (the punishment for) his sin, until He requites him for it on the Day of Resurrection.” (at-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ “If a certain status has previously been decreed by Allaah for a person, and he does not attain it by his deeds, Allaah afflicts him in his body or wealth or children.” (Abu Dawood)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Great reward comes with great trials. When Allah loves a people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it attains His pleasure, whereas whoever shows discontent with it incurs His wrath.” (at-Tirmidhi)

Narrated by Sa‘d ibn Abi Waqqaas (رضي الله عنه) who said: I said: O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, who among the people are most sorely tested? He ﷺ said: “The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A man will be tested according to his level of religious commitment. If his religious commitment is solid, his test will be more severe, but if there is any weakness in his religious commitment, he will be tested according to his level of religious commitment. And calamity will continue to befall a person until he walks on the earth with no sin on him.” (at-Tirmidhi)

Al-Hasan al-Basri (رضي الله عنه) said: “Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.”

Al-Fadl ibn Sahl (رضي الله عنه) said: “There is a blessing in calamity that the wise man should not ignore, for it erases sins, gives one the opportunity to attain the reward for patience, dispels negligence, reminds one of blessings at the time of health, calls one to repent and encourages one to give charity.

Finally a word of advice from me: it is very common that, once someone finds their way back to the deen and tries to practice it earnestly, they are faced with hardship. Do not fear these hardships as they are from Allah SWT and may be intended to either purify you from your previous sins, help you learn an important lesson and come out of the difficult situation a more mature and improved individual or to test whether you can withstand challenges you face in life and, having gone through them, still maintain your level of iman in Allah SWT and keep trusting Him to take the best decision for you. 

Take this difficult time in life as a challenge you will get through and form an intention that, once this difficulty is over, you would have come out of it a much stronger individual and a much better Muslim in’Sha’Allah. Remember, every night ends and every difficult situation is eventually taken care of by Allah SWT. You will soon witness good times in’Sha’Allah. 

And, behold, with every hardship comes ease (94:5) 

Read all the above mentioned Quranic verses and Hadiths remembering that each of them are intended specifically for you and are a message to you from Allah SWT to help you through this difficult time. Whenever you are faced with negative thoughts, try to remember the above and find hope – I know it is easier said than done but we must strive in Allah’s path and never doubt his decisions and power even for a second. You are strong enough to face this hardship and you will not go back to your old ways - You are strong enough for this! As Allah SWT has stated in the Quran:

Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear(…) (2:286)

Takecare :) 

The Others - Emison

(It’s not like you’re particularly beautiful
I’ve met beautiful people
I’ve hated beautiful people
I’ve loved beautiful people)

Maya had her confidence, maybe that why Emily let her in. Because Maya was free of societal norms, and free of oppressing parents and free of the confines of popularity. Her confidence seeped into Emily’s soul and nestled into her heart and let her believe that she could be confident too.

When they first made love that night, surrounded by candles and heat, Maya had touched her the way Alison used to touch her, and Emily swore it was the same.

But Maya’s confidence was faked, and the lies she told made her too much like Alison and the break up was inevitable.

(But it’s your smile
And your eyes
And your voice
And your words that flow through my body like the alcohol I use to forget)

Paige was confident too, not exactly in the same way but strong. She would protect the people she loved but in a different way than Alison. Paige was brash and bold and strong, while Alison was harsh, and cold, and tough. So Emily loved Paige, because Paige made her smile, and made her relax, and never her made her feel insecure.

But Alison could keep a secret, Paige couldn’t bother. Not even with the important ones, like whispered kisses on a cold summer day.

(It’s your hands
That feel like they were made for me to hold)

Samara was when Emily almost admitted to herself that she had a problem. She was blonde with blue eyes, and sweet and genuine, they both even had obsessions with bracelets.

But Samara’s smile was different, and her eyes were a darker shade of blue, so Emily didn’t really try to get her back. She was just another in a sea of blondes to help her forget.

(It’s your laugh and how I spend all my time trying to come up with ways to hear it)

Sara Harvey it was even more ridiculous. She was blonde with blue eyes, and needed Emily. She was a queen bee at her old school and Emily always knew she was keeping things from her, and just like with Alison, Emily didn’t care.

Because when she kissed her the rushing in her ears stopped, and the pounding in her head slowed, and she loved her as hard as she could, and punched her even harder.

(It’s you and me
And me and you
And you and her
And her and you
And I’ve dripped off the page
And I’m a girl you text occasionally
And I’m nothing to you now)

Talia was a liar. She lied and she lied, and she seemed more mature, she was cute in an impish way and Emily couldn’t have cared less about her. She was Alison but less beautiful, less strong, less genuine, less confident, she helped her cater a party and that was it. Emily didn’t care much when they broke up because she moved on to California and bigger and better things.

(But god do I wish I could be something
And god do I try to be
I tried to be)

Sabrina was difficult, because she knew nothing, her hair was a dirty blonde which was as far away from Ali as Emily could manage. She always smelled slightly of weed which reminded her of Maya but she knew nothing about A.

They would’ve been good (emily knows this) if AD hadn’t so permanently settled into her life like a never ending bad dream. She tried, she did, she really did, but even when AD drifted away things felt too changed for her to love anyone.

(I see myself getting another chance in the next few years
I’m not usually wrong
I’m going to screw that one up too)

Alison kissed Emily on the kissing rock and then Emily kissed Alison in the library and it felt like a never ending pattern of broken heart and lost trails to happiness. Every single night Alison was gone and dead Emily would whisper to herself that she only wanted “one more minute, just one, is that too much to ask?”

(I’ll see you in New York
Or maybe higher up)

All Emily wanted to do was jump in front of the gun. Partly because she couldn’t stand the thought of Alison truly, truly dead, and partly because she wanted to give the blonde a taste of her own medicine.

(You’re not a particularly beautiful person
You’re rough and cold and dark
And make me question my confidence
And my own beauty)

When they kissed again, and never talked Emily almost thought it was because of her. Like she hadn’t done it well enough. Hadn’t kissed enough girls yet. She wasn’t good enough. She hadn’t loved Alison hard enough. (Alison never told her that she could never be sure if Emily was a mermaid or a siren, ready to pull her to safety, or lead her to death, and that Emily loved her too hard and she already felt like drowning.)

(But your smile has dimples
And your eyes are warm
And your voice is intoxicating
And your words may give me a hangover but I never black out)

They held hands before Emily left and the warmth stayed with her just like her eyes, and the gold of her hair, tilting off the sun. She kissed girls in college like it was nobody’s business, but she loved no one, still committed to a girl back home set on falling in love with someone else, regardless of feelings.

(Your hands may be distant
But they’re there

Your laugh may be smaller
But I still get to hear it

And you’re not a particularly beautiful person
But you’re the most perfect person in all your imperfections)

And then it was five long years later, Alison was pregnant, Emily had a relationship, and they were kissing anyway. Because sometimes all you really need is love and an old song to guide the way home, just like any good friend would.

(And maybe one day it won’t kill me to hear about her
And ask about her
And know about her

But right now
It does

Please leave me alone)

And finally Emily demanded the truth, demanded that she stopped kissing her, demanded an answer. Or else the last thousand girls were pointless.

And Alison gave her one in the form of a diamond ring on Emily’s finger.

And they lived happily ever after swimming through seas and ignoring siren calls.


The poem is called Beauty (letters to my ex) that I wrote myself, which is somewhere on my blog. Sorry to everyone who had to scroll past that shit!

Chuck Bass Analysis

A few weeks ago, I got the chance to read an article about shame-based personalities that immediately made me think about Chuck and I decided to take the time to write an essay about it. I’ll be using lines from the article to write this dissertation, which means it’s only right to credit it. You can find it here. The blog has many fascinating psychology articles; if you’re interested in the subject you should definitely follow it.

As the article I’m referring to explains, blaming and shaming a person are two different things. While blaming someone implies recognizing a fault in the person’s behavior, shaming someone isn’t about guilt or responsibility; it doesn’t require the person to do something that the accuser interprets as a mistake. Instead, shaming means affirming there’s something wrong with the person accused; in other words, the fault doesn’t lie in the person’s actions, but rather in their personality.

Before I begin exposing my thoughts regarding how and why Chuck’s personality was built through a dysfunctional shaming process, it must be said that both the aspects I’ve mentioned – blame and shame – played a role in his life.

For most of his life, Chuck has lived with a shattering sense of guilt coming from the conviction he had killed his mother by coming to life. I tend to think Bart has never really put into words this accusation, but it is sure that, as a child and later on as a teenager, Chuck read this through the lines of his father’s detachment. Consciously and not, Chuck learnt to consider himself responsible for his mother’s death, because the explanation he gave himself helped him to give a meaning to the emotional and psychological abuse he was subjected to.  

That being said, the guilt he took is a “blameless” one; in fact, it might be more accurately described as an original sin, a visceral, ancestral fault that has nothing to do with responsibility (even if Elisabeth had actually died giving birth, the baby wouldn’t have been guilty of her destiny). 

This irrational, inconsistent and implicit accusation suggests that there’s something terribly and irremediably flawed in Chuck, it somehow hints to the fact that his role in the world is to destroy – and metaphorically, to kill (“He hated me. It makes sense if his beloved wife died giving birth to me. Sometimes I swear he thinks I killed her” Chuck, from 2X05)

It is likely that, in truth, Bart blamed Chuck for the simple fact that he was Elizabeth’s son – the woman who had cheated on him and eventually left him to raise a child he probably didn’t even want. In Bart’s mind, having her as a mother was enough to make him a worthless and inadequate person – and irreversibly. This “definitive verdict” is indeed expressed through the story he told Chuck: not only Elizabeth “died”, but she was also “killed” by her own son. It’s a vision that allowed Bart to hate them both and set Chuck for being an eternal disappointment to his eyes.

It is definitely a form of shaming.  The article mentions a few examples of shaming statements, which sound very similar to many things Bart told his son all the way through the series:

• “You were a mistake; I wish I’d never had you.” || “No matter how I’ve tried to turn you into a man, it still remains the one, big failure of my life” (6X09)

• “You’re useless; you’ll never amount to anything.” || “Nice gesture, but misguided as usual” (2X10), “I haven’t seen anything in the last year that suggests you have what it takes. If anything, you’ve been a disappointment” (3X12)

“You’ve ruined my life; you ruin everything for everyone” || “Bart thought it would be better if the family bonded without me for a while” (1X14), “Letting people down is your forte” (2X10), “Every time I think we’re making progress, you show your true colors” (2X12).

 According to the article, adults shamed in childhood have some traits that I recognized in Chuck as well. I’ll mention each of them and try to see how they showed in his behavior. 

1. They are afraid to share their true thoughts and feelings with others.

This first trait is pretty obvious in Chuck’s characterization. However, truth to be told, his difficulty in sharing his thoughts and feelings is only the tip of the iceberg.

Chuck is indeed emotionally crippled. He doesn’t simply have issues when it comes to conveying his feelings; his problems start with his inability to recognize them and then accept them. Season 1 is all about it; Chuck can’t give a name to what he feels for Blair (“I feel sick, like there’s something in my stomach…fluttering”) and when she hurts him, he can’t metabolize the pain he feels and ends up hurting her as well in a way that is absolutely childish – an act of spite.

This is obviously the outcome of an education intended to make him think of feelings as weaknesses. Chuck grew up with the idea that detachment meant strength, while displaying emotions – or even having emotions – was a synonym of vulnerability. And vulnerability was the ultimate fault, the one thing Bart could have never accepted.  

Episode 3X12 (but, in general, season 3) is pretty enlightening in this sense, because it gives us an accurate idea of how Chuck has always interpreted his father’s behavior and words – and, as we’ll find out later on, his view of Bart was sadly truthful.

The Bart Chuck sees condemns his love for Blair (“You opened your heart to Blair and that made you weak”), for it makes him immature and unsuitable for being the businessman he is expected to become. The image of Bart tells Chuck he doesn’t have “what it takes”. This conviction Chuck can’t let go of is so weighty and so deeply rooted that it will be one of the reasons that will lead him to betray Blair in order to save The Empire – “I did what I had to to win. I couldn’t let my feelings cost me all that I’ve built” (3X17).

As I said, Chuck’s perception of his father was exact. In episode 5X24 it becomes clear that he judges his son’s love for Blair and in general his feelings as a demonstration of his irresponsibility other than what keeps him from being a “great man” and from “growing up”.

It’s only logical to assume that Bart’s reiterated insistence to urge Chuck to repress his emotions and, overall, his disdain for the mere existence of those feelings and the consequential shaming, led Chuck to try to suppress them as much as he could.

The constant repression is something I’ll talk about later in the essay while analyzing other traits. Though, it is important to underline the fact that Chuck tends to keep his emotions under control through a rigid process of suppression, until he can’t contain them anymore. This implies that when he finds himself unable to shut down his feelings, they tend to blow up in a devastating way – for himself and for those close to him.

It’s something that, with time, Chuck definitely learnt to handle better. It was indeed one of the crucial points of his growth; he still tends to diminish his feelings, but he manages to cope with them in a healthier way. By the end of the series, for example, he is able to accept Blair’s support and to contain the shame he feels towards his weaknesses; it doesn’t happen right away and it takes patience from her and also the special delicacy she reserves him, but eventually he lets her in fully (check this scene from episode 6X08).

However, Blair remains one of his few exceptions. He is only able to show his vulnerability to a very restricted group of people who he is able to trust. Outside his “circle of trust”, he is still an especially cold and detached person – and I assume a pretty ruthless business man too.

2. They are terrified of intimacy and put up walls in relationships. They also fear  commitment as they expect to be rejected.

You couldn’t handle feelings,” Blair tells Chuck in episode 3X12, giving us, as usual, the most precise insight on him and his difficulties dealing with emotions. Nevertheless, she comforts him, reminding him that he’s “not like that anymore” and that he’s “becoming a man in a way that his father never was”.

It is absolutely true. In spite of his fear of weaknesses, Chuck has feelings; he cares, loves and is exposed to deep emotions. He is, though, used to block them, out of shame and fear; fear of vulnerability, but also fear of the feelings themselves, of their meaning and their consequences.

The basic consequence of caring is the construction of a bond with another person, with all the risks that come with it – dependence, pain, abandon. Accepting to have feelings for someone means accepting the possibility of rejection and rejection is, to Chuck, absolutely terrifying. One of the most insightful quotes that explicates it is from episode 2X01. Trying to explain Blair why he didn’t spend the summer with her and abandoned her, he says: “I was scared you’d see…me.

Here lies the core of Chuck’s personality: the conviction that no one could love him for who he is, for he is impossible to love and also impossible to “fix”. He is irremediably broken, a destined to disappoint.

The article I’m referring to also mentions that people with shame based personalities struggle with feeling of worthlessness and often feel ugly and flawed. In Chuck’s case, this is the consequence of a growth and an existence that has always been marked by rejection. “Unfortunately, all I know if what he didn’t want,” he says, talking about his father, “which is me”.

Chuck’s deep self-esteem issues have their origin in the way he’s been shamed and neglected all the way through his childhood. As a result, he is honestly convinced of his inadequateness and of its invariability. The lack of value he sees in himself is deeply characterizing; it guides, sometimes subtly and sometimes blatantly, most of his actions and decisions. For example, he was incapable of waiting for Blair on the top of the Empire State Building because he expected her not to come, since he didn’t think he deserved her arrival. I don’t want to discuss whether his thoughts were valid or not; it’s simply not the topic of this essay. What I’m trying to point at is that it was tragically easy for Chuck to believe that she didn’t love him anymore.

Inevitably, starting from these presuppositions, commitment and especially intimacy become incredibly scary to Chuck. It’s not the dedication and the faithfulness they require that scares him; Chuck is, indeed, a profoundly devoted and loyal person (he values family, he has never cheated, he gives importance to long lasting friendships). Instead, his fright has its origin in the changeable nature of relationships: they’re hazards, they bring with them the possibility of being abandoned.

Only that, to Chuck, abandon isn’t a mere possibility, it is almost a certainness. Trusting that people he loves won’t leave him is incredibly hard to him, since abandon has been a constant in his life. He expects to be abandoned – and, according to him, rightfully so. People who leave him are justified by his worthlessness and their decision to give up on him is only logical.

This partially explains why he is so forgiving; recognizing people’s faults and responsibilities is almost superfluous to him, since, in some ways, he fundamentally thinks he deserves to be hurt. In this sense, it is important to mention how Chuck never really stopped justifying Elizabeth’s behavior; by the end of season 6, in spite of all the pain she caused him, he still hadn’t completely given up on contacting her (5X19), he still had her picture in his room and the combination to his strongbox was still her birthday’s date.

In some ways, this is also connected to the lack of love and affection that sadly marked his growth; he craves to be loved so much and, at the same time, he expects so little from those who are supposed to love him that he’s willing to take whatever he can get from them and to excuse even the most horrible betrayals (see how he allowed Jack to come back into his life). Every bit of care and respect look almost miraculous to him.

As the article explains, another fundamental trait in shame-based personalities is a debilitating false guilt. As I mentioned at the beginning of the essay, guilt plays a central role in Chuck’s life. Though he isn’t shy and definitely doesn’t pay attention to people’s judgement, he does tend to feel responsible even when he’s not. Similarly to what happens with his tendency to forgive, Chuck also expects to be accused and accepts the way people blame him, even when he has no faults.

This ingrained sense of guilt, which clearly has its roots in the childhood and the teenage years spent living with the thought of having caused his mother’s death, leads to the conviction of being unable to make the woman he loves happy. Each time he lest Blair go, he does it because he is genuinely persuaded that he’ll end up ruining their relationship and making her miserable; he keeps giving up on her to give her the chance to be with a better man, a less troubled, lighter person.

3.  They may be narcissistic and act as if they have it all together; alternatively, they may be completely selfless, almost to the point of being a doormat.

Both aspects of this trait show through Chuck’s behavior, since, as it often happens, his actions and his perception of himself tend to be extremely polarized and sometimes even contradictory – he goes to extremes.

He builds and invincible persona, “Chuck Bass”, who is powerful, indifferent, perfectly controlled; Chuck Bass is the façade he presents to the world, it’s his vanity, his mania of grandeur, it’s the self-satisfaction he feels when he’s called infamous, it’s his egocentrism and his arrogance. It shows through his eclectic style, through the self-celebratory way he conducts his business (his hotel is “The Empire” and it’s permeated with his notorious reputation), through the way he indulges the sort of legend created around his name. He enjoys his fame, his influence and he’s power hungry. Though somewhat more superficial, none of these aspects are pretended; Chuck can actually be self-centered, self-important, he can be haughty, cold and unscrupulous.

Yet, at the same time, he is incredibly fragile and he is often incapable of recognizing his value. Sometimes, actually, his selflessness is so extreme that he becomes quite literally “self – less”, meaning that he reaches such a worrying level of self-loathe that he ends up neglecting himself; his needs, his ambitions, his desires, even his entire personality (the beginning of season four is the most blatant example of this dysfunctionality, but part of this behavior is also recognizable through season five). He is haunted by the thought people would be happier if he was out of their lives.

4. They have a pervasive sense of loneliness and always feel like outsiders (even when others genuinely like and love them).

This trait is noticeable and inevitably linked with the ones previously mentioned. Reluctant to share his feelings and scared of building meaningful bonds with people, Chuck is profoundly reserved. Though he enjoys an active social life (parties, galas, ecc) and he is capable of being sociable (he is, among other things, also a hotel and clubs owner, so it is necessary), he still doesn’t let people get too close; he constantly maintains a distance between himself and the world and he often prefers spending time alone.

It must be underlined that Chuck is an especially selective person. Since trusting people comes so difficult to him, he tends to maintain a few but very solid relationships. As I’ve already mentioned, he defines a circle of trust – one that is terribly difficult to enter and, at the same time, almost impossible to exit.

Making a quick analysis of his relationships, it’s clear how discriminating and at the same time how devoted he is: Blair isn’t simply the only woman he’s ever loved, she’s also the only one he considered building a life with; Nate has been his best friend since they were five and Chuck has never showed the need to create the same kind of bond with anyone else; once he let Lily in, he never stepped back and was actively part of her family – he’s never stopped treating Serena and Eric as his siblings.

That being said, even with his most trusted people, Chuck is still hesitant when it comes to letting his guard down and allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of them. Even Blair, who is definitely the person he trusts the most, occasionally can’t reach him; she has to find a way to connect with him – sometimes she uses sex to get in touch with his blocked emotions.

As a result, Chuck has an inclination to isolate himself, since he considers his feelings incomprehensible and unacceptable; to his eyes, they’re too dark and too horrible. This idea leads him to the conviction that he shouldn’t share them and that he should deal with them alone. Aware of this belief, both Lily and Blair, actually, felt the need to remind him that they wouldn’t have left even in front of his worst moments (“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you’ve ever had, I will stand by you through anything” – Blair, from 2X13, “No matter how ugly and dark your feelings may be, you shouldn’t have to bear them alone. My love for you is unconditional” – Lily, from 5X10).

5. They are often defensive and find it hard to bear the slightest criticism. They feel as if they are being constantly watched and judged.

This trait mainly comes out through Chuck’s attitude towards business and work. He is extremely exigent with himself and incapable of considering failure as a sometimes inevitable part of life. He’s a perfectionist and has Stakhanovism problem. Being driven by an ambition that isn’t completely healthy, Chuck expects the best from himself and has a tendency to push himself too hard to reach his goals. The first few episodes of season 3 are a good example of this behavior. In episode 3X02 Chuck tells Serena: “My father turned his first profit by the time he was 22. I hope to do it by the time I’m 21.”

The fact that Bart is Chuck’s basis for comparison is a crucial element to analyze how this personality trait presents itself. His need to thrive and his greed for success partially have their origin in his fear to disappoint his father. Even after Bart’s “death”, Chuck kept trying to please him through his dedication to business; he was constantly trying to live up to the expectations Bart had.

Driven by his tendency to forgive and by his desperate need to justify his father’s faults, Chuck built, over the years, some sort of idealized image of Bart: the perfect business man, the person he was supposed to become but couldn’t – because of his weakness. And when, by the end of season four, this twisted view of Bart shattered, Chuck found himself having to survive a deep existential crisis. “Everything I believed about my father,” he says in episode 4X20, “everything I thought I wanted to be, what I needed to be for him, it was all based on lies.

The article also describes people with a shame based personalities as adults who tend to feel judged and controlled. It is important to say that, being a libertine, Chuck generally ignores people’s judgement when it comes to his morality, to his way of living and to his values. This careless attitude, though, has a few essential exceptions.

The first exceptions are Blair and Lily. Chuck truly values their judgements and not only when they’re positive. Since he respects them and feels supported and understood by them, he’s willing to accept even their criticisms. Their opinions and advice have a positive effect on him and they generally manage to encourage him and make him feel better about himself – or, at least, to question his actions. The key of his trust and respect for them lies in the way he knows that behind their words there are acceptance and care. Their loyalty and their affection isn’t necessarily linked with his actions – they would always forgive him and love him for who he is rather than for what he does.

Bart, however, represents a negative exception. His judgement, whether actual or simply imagined by Chuck, influences Chuck’s behavior through fear of rejection

In some ways, for a long time, Chuck lived with the perpetual feeling of being tested by this unreachable man he had to satisfy (“It’s like he’s setting me up to fail from beyond the grave” Chuck, 2X15). In other words, Chuck turned his successes into a mean to finally conquer his father’s love and acceptance and his failures into confirmations that he didn’t deserve his father’s approval and affection. In both cases, affection – or lack of it – is linked to an action; Chuck’s personality, indeed, remains intolerable for Bart.  

6.  They tend to block their feeling through compulsive behaviors

I will start by stating, just to be clear, that Chuck isn’t an addict. As I said, everything in Chuck’s life is subjected to a rigid repression; and it definitely includes his use of drugs and his drinking. Under normal circumstances, even though he is a drinker and an occasional drug user, Chuck keeps his vices controlled.

That being said, it is true that, during moments of profound crisis, we saw him losing control and showing compulsive behaviors intended to keep him from feeling a pain he couldn’t handle. It especially happens when Chuck has to deal with loss – since he can’t elaborate it, he suppresses his emotions however he can (abusing alcohol and drugs, meaningless sex, ecc). At the beginning of season five, the repressed pain of losing Blair causes him to detach from his emotions in such a deep way that he becomes unable to feel anything – even physically. 

It also must be mentioned that, for a long time, Chuck has had almost no respect for his life. Though the only time he was actually suicidal was after Bart’s “death” (2X14), he still showed till season five a dangerous carelessness with his health and with the value of his existence. He was often reckless and irresponsible; to use his own words from 3X22, he “didn’t care if he lived or died”.

His attitude towards sex, though, is probably the clearest example of a compulsive behavior implemented to suffocate feelings.

There’s no shame in sex and it’s not my intention to judge anyone’s sex life as right or wrong. Chuck was a precocious boy; he had his first sexual experience at the age of eleven, he is a very sexual, passionate person and eroticism certainly has an important role in his life. He enjoys sex and he’s completely open-minded about any kind of practices in this area.

However, it’s undeniable that he also uses sex to kill the pain. Generally, to Chuck, sex and intimacy don’t coincide. He doesn’t establish a connection with his sexual partners; he never sees them again after (in 2X21, he mentions he only has sex with people once) and sometimes entertains himself with escorts – the less emotionally demanding way to have sex ends up being paying for it. While sex (even random one) is usually an engaging experience, to Chuck sometimes it is a mere mechanical act that has the only purpose to numb sufferance and anxiety.

Blair, of course, is an exception. She was the first person with whom he managed to build a true connection, to the point that sex became fundamental in their relationship. With her, he reaches a complete emotional involvement; he concedes himself to her fully, he’s generous, trusting and attentive. It is interesting to notice, as I’ve already mentioned, that when Chuck is emotionally blocked, Blair consciously uses sex to reach out to him, for she knows that a physical connection with her will also lead to an emotive one (for example, she seduces him to bring him to say “I love you” in 2X25 and in 3X14 she has sex with him before he manages to talk to her about his mother).

7. They find it hard to establish and enforce healthy boundaries with others.

Considering everything I’ve explained, it is understandable why building healthy relationships for Chuck is hard – and why he had to work so hard on himself in order to handle them better. I think it’s safe to admit, at least from my point of view, that his relationships will never be completely “healthy” (although this is a pretty relative concept), for the simple fact that he is, logically, a profoundly and somewhat irreparably damaged person.

That being said, over time and thanks to a long and hard journey, Chuck learnt to cope with his daemons and to make his relationships work in a less dysfunctional way; he learnt that he doesn’t own the ones who he loves, that trust is fundamental for a bond to be unbreakable, that relationships work through compensation and ability to compromise and, eventually, that allowing the people he chose to spend his life with to see his weakest, most vulnerable sides doesn’t mean failing; it means accepting their love and their support and allowing them to make him stronger.

Above all, trusting people represented the biggest problem to Chuck and his inability to do so was often the main reason behind the crisis of his relationships.

Having been tested his whole life by his father (it is my opinion, for example that Bart left him the responsibility of Bass Industries when he faked his death with the intention to see if he was capable), Chuck used to assume that testing his loved ones’ loyalty was the only way he had to be sure of their affection. It’s a behavior that often puts him in a lose/lose situation. What happens in 3X17 is probably the most exhaustive example.

Betrayed by his mother, Chuck tests Blair’s love and devotion in a way that sets him up for losing her: if Blair accepts to have sex with Jack, she gives him a proof of her love, but she betrays his trust; if she doesn’t accept, then her love isn’t what he expected it to be. Either ways, he’ll be destroyed.

His difficulty to trust people is also what brings him to be so jealous and to expect from others the same exclusivity he gives to relationships. In his friendship with Nate, for example, he doesn’t tolerate other people’s intrusions; Nate’s need to have a wider circle of friendships almost feels like a betrayal to Chuck, since his fear of abandon leads him to think those who love him will find someone better than him and realize he’s worthless.

His insecurity tends to make him suspicious and his inability to communicate his feelings and his needs leads him to manipulate people around him to keep them from leaving him.

In conclusion, I think Chuck shows all the traits of a shame based personality. Personality is, according to my view, an only marginally changeable element; consequentially, it is my opinion that the dysfunctionalities coming from the structure of personality Chuck presents still belong to his life and inevitably play a role in it. However, a journey of growth and evolution taught him to live with it in a healthier way, one that allowed such a damaged and emotionally deficient person to build a happy life for himself and for his family.

Whoo, vacation porn! Inasmuch as that I am writing this on vacation and this is Washington and Lafayette enjoying a vacation at Mount Vernon post-war. Canon-era, but also 2.5k worth of like straight porn, so shit is glossed over like hella. Anyway, enjoy Lafayette bent over a saddle.

Lafayette is quite sure that he knows Washington entirely before his stay at Mount Vernon, and he is quite wrong. The character of the man is unchanged, but how it is expressed when no longer constrained and weighed down by the cares of war, by the threat of an unknown destiny, that is as different as night and day. Before this trip Lafayette thinks for example, that he knows Washington’s appetites very well. Yet never would he have believed, never would he have dreamed that Washington, the perfect gentlemen, would during their first ride point out an unused stable on his land and suggest they have a look with a smile so knowing that it  makes Lafayette blush to agree.

The stable was left behind by the previous owner after Washington acquired the land, empty of horses, but there’s still enough straw on the floor that it is filled with the summery smell of cut grass rather than decay. Hanging from pegs on the wall are various ropes and bridles, and there is an old saddle, dusty and discarded, left upon a rail. It is, on the whole, rather unremarkable, and hardly worth a stop to look at.

Except that it did have a convenient place to tie the horses up outside and its four walls, no matter that they are ramshackle, do a fine job of shielding them from prying eyes. Having chosen it for just that purpose, Washington comes to stand just behind Lafayette, he plucks Lafayette’s hat from his head and nuzzles his face into his hair.

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One Wish

Summery: Amidst the pain and suffering caused by the war Lucy had only one wish.

Prompt: Flower

A/N: Hi everyone, this an entry for Nalu Fluff Week. I filled it with all the mushy good stuff that I can see happening between Natsu and Lucy. I hope you all enjoy it, it made me feel fuzzy inside writing it haha. Please take a moment to listen to the song I chose to accompany this fic, it really does add to the feeling (link). I will edit later if I spot any mistakes. I pictured this fic as occurring further down the timeline from my last fic ‘Your Hands Are Warm’ (link).


It was amazing what change a year could bring to a life. Lucy Heartfilia’s specifically. One moment she was in Crocus, the next she was once fighting next to her dragon slayer. The war was devastating for Fairy Tail as it had been for the entirety of Fior. Lucy especially didn’t like the memories of how much Natsu was made to suffer. Zeref had made it his mission to make Natsu howl in despair, which he achieved. Lucy and Natsu never brought it up, never shared what happened with the rest of the guild. It was still too fresh, too painful, too intimate. 

Zeref delivered her bloody body to his feet, having figured out Natsu’s biggest trigger, the chink in his armor. Lucy opened her eyes to see Natsu in a terrifying merge of draconic and demonic power. The pure force of his magic power sent shivers up her spine despite the inferno heating the room. No one could mistake the unadulterated rage on his face as he clutched her to his chest, flames dancing around them. Natsu’s heat warmed her soul in that moment, giving her strength to fight the bitter chill Zeref’s death magic had left on her. It was like something clicked between them, the bond they shared bloomed into an incredible amalgamation of magic.

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I promised queenkeline this like two weeks ago. I am so sorry but here it finally is. A destiel high school, first kiss fic. There’s mention of John being homophobic and Dean struggling to accept himself.

Admitting to himself that he liked Cas in first place had been hard. Dean knew he liked his best friend, but he’d always squashed the possibility of really liking him out of his mind. It hadn’t helped that when his father had been alive he’d had been very vocal about his opinion on ‘queers and gays’. He knew it was stupid that he could his father’s disappointed voice in the back of his mind whenever he thought of how it would feel to hold Cas’ hand and wrap his arms around him, or to have Cas hold him at night and feel his lips against the back of Dean’s neck.

Admitting to Cas that he liked the other boy had been one of the most terrifying moments of Dean’s youth. He’d hidden his crush for the better part of a month before Sam had called him out on it and told that it was fine, he understood and wouldn’t think any less of Dean. To say he’d breathed a sigh of relief when he was alone was an understatement, but it had taken him an extra two months to stutter out to Cas, his cheeks blazing red, that “I really like han- hanging out with you, you know, and, I- I wouldn’t, I couldn’t imagine, erm, I-”

Cas had ended up saving him on that with a smirk and a twinkle in his eyes that had Dean quickly glaring at his best friend and folding his arms. “You knew.”

Cas’ smirk had softened and he offered Dean a light shrug, “I had a feeling, but I didn’t want to push. I like you too Dean.”

Dean’s glare had softened and he flicked his eyes to his feet as he mumbled out, “So, can, you know, we-”

“Yes Dean.”

It had been another month after that before Dean stopped jumping whenever he felt Cas’ fingers touch his wrist or hand. Part of him still felt as though he was committing a huge wrong, but this was Cas and it took him a few extra seconds each time to relax and remind himself that. It was Cas. He liked Cas. Cas was good. Cas was safe. He could trust Cas. And only then would he relax, his eyes nervous and his fingers squeezing Cas’ a little too hard for several minutes before he could relax his shoulders and smile.

The hugging had taken him a little longer to get used to. He’d thought that once he and Cas were together that everything would just be as easy for him as it was when he had been with a girl. But the hugging, Dean froze each time, mentally cursing himself for the sad smile Cas always gave him before he took a step back his hands up. “I’m sorry,” Dean said every time, hanging his head with a sigh.

And every time Cas would gently grab his hand, give his fingers a gentle squeeze and whisper, “It’s fine, I understand. It doesn’t make me like you any less.”

Dean was one hell of a lucky guy and he eventually forced himself to hug Cas first, to step into his personal space, wrap his arms around his neck and bury his face in his neck. It had caught Cas off-guard, but Dean only grinned in response as he closed his eyes and sighed, just breathing everything that Cas was. After that it got easier, he no longer jumped or froze, he felt like everything was going fine.

Until Cas kissed him on the cheek.

He hadn’t been expecting it. They were at Cas’ house, doing homework and Cas had asked him if he wanted a drink. “Sure,” Dean had said, his brows furrowed as he stared down at the science questions in front of him. Cas had stood up, kissed his cheek and mumbled that he’d be right back. Dean was too stunned to say anything, too shocked by the simple gesture. Cas had kissed his cheek. Cas had kissed him.

Dean swallowed and tried to tell himself that he wasn’t scared, terrified or frozen in absolute shock. Not him.


Cas’ voice snapped him out of it and he felt his heart sky rocket. Cas looked so worried about it and Dean felt his throat close up as he looked up at his best friend. He’d had plenty of thoughts about kissing those delicious looking lips, so why was he freaking out when his fantasies were starting to come true.

“Are you okay?”

Cas knelt down in front of the bed, where Dean was sprawled on his stomach, his hands gripping the edge as his blue eyes stared worriedly up at him. Dean stared back, his voice caught in his throat. Was he okay? Was he okay? Was he okay? He wanted to run, he felt wrong, like suddenly he’d just realised how wrong he’d been in admitting to Cas that he liked him.

But it was Cas.

He liked Cas.

He cared for Cas.

He felt safe with Cas.

Felt good.

Dean trusted Cas.

“I like you,” Dean blurted out eventually, his voice quiet and shaky and his eyes wide in shock.

Cas’ brows knitted together in worry as he stared back up at Dean. “Okay?”

“I like you,” Dean repeated, a little louder this time and the shakiness gone from his voice.

“I like you too,” Cas said with a confused frown, still uncertain to where this was going.

Dean shook his head, his lips parted and he mumbled out a soft, “I trust you. I trust you.” Cas kept staring him with that confused look that Dean would refuse to call cute and all manners of adorable. His lips were parted as though he wanted to say something, but pursed as though he was still thinking and Dean swallowed nervously, decided that he could trust Cas, could trust him with this.

He surged forward before Cas could say something and closed his eyes in fear as he pressed his lips to Cas’. After a few seconds he felt Cas’ lips part and he tilted his head and pressed his mouth a little harder. He needed this to be okay, needed this to be right and- he made a noise, his eyes flying open as he finally felt Cas respond, his lips moving to kiss Dean back. He pulled just far enough away to take a breath of surprise and stare in shock at Cas who’s eyes slowly blinked open before his lips twitched into a smile.

Dean smiled back, felt his fear slowly ebb away as he leaned forward again and this time kissed Cas a little gentler. None of his fantasies could hold up to the real thing as one of Cas’ hands came up to cup his cheek and keep him pulled in to the soft caress of his lips. Dean sighed into the kiss., leaning his head slightly into Cas’ hand. There was no tongue, teeth or anything, just them pressing their mouths together and it was heaven. Dean could do this all day.

He frowned slightly when he felt Cas begin to laugh. They pulled apart and Cas pressed his head against Dean’s, still crouched on the floor in front of him. “What’s so funny?”

Cas grinned with another chuckle, his eyes bright as he stared at Dean. “I never thought our first kiss would be like that,” he teased and Dean’s heart jumped when he felt Cas’ thumb brush over his cheek.

“What were you expecting?”

Cas shrugged. “Janitor’s closet, somebody manhandling the other, more tongue.”

Dean laughed and he ducked his head with closed eyes. He really did like Cas. “Well,” he started, bravado carrying him onwards as he lifted his head again to eye Cas with a smirk, “why don’t we make out some more and see what happens?”

Cas grinned and finally sat down on the bed beside Dean. “I don’t have a problem with that,” he muttered and Dean happily let Cas gently tug him up and guide him back to his mouth with a happy hum.

Kinds of Magic

Pairing: NozoEli

Check out my Love Live Big Bang partner Kizune’s artwork @astraightupgayblog

(Note: It’s only a little over 2k words, if you like it please let me know and i’ll write more!)

When I was a little girl my grandmother took me to the ballet. I watched as ballerinas flew across the stage like god had picked them up with the tips of his fingers. They possessed a beautiful kind of magic that inhabited every limb of their bodies, allowing them to create emotion without a single word. I was in awe, I thought “this is my moment, this is my destiny, I can have that magic too.” ballet, stripped of its curtains, of its frills and cheers from the audience, without the roses tossed so lovingly onto the stage, is as graceful as a military tank. It is harsh and hard, forcing your body into painful positions then scolding you for grimacing. But still, I did it, I worked until toes bled and muscles ached. I was proud of myself, I thought that I too could make magic.

Then came a string of moments, waiting for me to hold them. Competitions that one by one faded away like dewy dreams. I realized that I was not a flower god had picked to watch its petals dance under his breath. I didn’t have this magic. Because when it came down to it, after the training, the pain, the failure… I realized that this gift was an exercise in endurance, a race between your body and the tears behind your eyes. Ballerinas are real people not floating fairies or bowing swans, it wasn’t magic, it never was. Because magic doesn’t exist.

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Mark Me - A Feysand Fic

This is for @sarahviehmann. Sarah and I agreed to a fic swap for Christmas and she asked for something from Rhys that was all sorts of romantic and fluffy. Naturally, I threw a little bit of angsty feels in there because I don’t know how to stop myself. Hope you like it, Sarah. Merry Christmas! :)

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Summary: The war is over, bringing both Rhys and Feyre back home to Velaris together. But before they can start again, Rhys has a simple request to make of Feyre that heals more wounds than one. <3

Mark Me

He carries her into the room. Her body has come a long way growing in strength and power. But tonight Rhys feels the softness, savors the way her muscles melt where his fingertips press in along her thighs and back, where he cradles her against him.

They’ve never been able to properly live together as man and wife inside these four walls.

But the war is over now and she is home.

Feyre - his Feyre.

And he wants to make sure he does this right, for her.

He never breaks eye contact, choosing to drink in the blue that has sparked to life behind the crystalline grey of her eyes. There were nights he thought he might never see these eyes again, nights he didn’t sleep or awoke in such a blind panic because he was afraid he would forget their shape, where the flecks of sky were tucked away in their depths, how precisely her lashes curled.

If he weren’t carrying her, his arms would collapse. Touching her - it’s not like clasping a glass to drink or a sword to wield. His Feyre is unbreakable, but Rhys knows that he is not. To lose contact with her would be to break himself, so drop her he will not.

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Fandom: Naruto

Characters: Sai, Yamanaka Ino, Yamanaka Inojin

Pairings: Saiino

Words: 1,788

Notes: Inspired by all of madhattressdelux‘s headcanons and reblogs of Saiino which have destroyed me and my heart/soul. there is a fire of Saiino in my soul now that cannot be tamed and now there’s this. i’ve never written these two (three) before, so i hope it turned out alright and that it’s not horrendously awful. constructive criticisms always welcome :) also, thanks to matchaball for encouraging the idea and letting me borrow some of her beautiful words.

There was only one picture of herself that hung at her desk. A single sketch done on rough paper, in black pencil with just a splash of color for her eyes and hair, and though the edges were beginning to fray and the color starting to fade, Yamanaka Ino was certain she’d never seen a more beautiful piece.

To this day, Ino was still amazed at the level of detail achieved by her talented husband, from the small flowers in her hair to the patterns in the lace of her dress, he’d sketched them all but that wasn’t what Ino loved most about the drawing. It was the emotion in her face, in her blue eyes, so lifelike that somedays she was convinced picture-Ino’s face would burst into a bright smile, and it was the love that she could feel in every stroke of his pencil. For all that her husband hadn’t been able to express in words or actions, even on that day, he did through those lines, those careful strokes of his skilled hand, and Ino felt them as if they were her own. It was her favorite picture in the world.

Of course, the drawings of her son ran a very close second and Ino looked at the pictures every day, taking her few spare moments like this to admire how they showed his growth, and she couldn’t imagine a more perfect way to capture or display her son’s life, but there was just something about the drawing of her, the oddity among the drawings, that always caught her attention. Perhaps it was because she was still a little vain, even in her older age, or because it was just so beautifully done that one couldn’t help but be drawn to it, or maybe it was because she could remember the exact moment he drew it. That was likely it because that moment, the morning after their wedding, was high up on her list of ‘Best Days of my Life’, but sometimes Ino wondered what her husband had been thinking when he draw that picture. If the words he’d scrawled at the bottom were any clue, Ino’s mind could only begin to imagine.

What was on your mind that morning, Sai? she thought to herself, letting a smile stretch over her lips as she stared at the picture, her mind wondering back to that morning. What were you thinking?

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A Court of War and Starlight: Part 31

(Read: Part I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI | XVII | XVIII | XIX | XX | XXI | XXII | XXIII | XXIV | XXV | Nessian I | XXVI | XXVII | XXVIII | Elucien I | XXIX | XXX | XXXI | XXXII | XXXIII | XXXIV | XXXV | Elucien II | XXXVI | XXXVII | XXXVIII | Nessian II | XXXIX | XL | Feyrhys I | XLI | Elucien III | XLII | XLIII | Elucien IV | Nessian III | XLIV | XLV | XLVI | Elucien V | Azriel I | XLVII | XLVIII | XLIX | L | Elucien VI | Moriel I | LI | LII | LIII | LIV | LV | LVI | LVII | LVIII | LIX | LX | LXI | Nessian IV | LXII | LXIII | LXIV | LXV | LXVI | LXVII | LXIII | LXIX | LXX | LXXI | LXXII | LXXIII | LXXIV | LXXV | Epilogue )


Our group certainly stood out against the pale colors worn by the Day Court members. We were rather like an inversion–their dark skin and light clothes were contrasted by our pale complexions and dark attire. Rhys and I had also tailored out glamours together, as we had in the Summer Court, for our first appearance at dinner that night, going specifically for a more intimidating look than we had in the Summer Court. We both left the stars out of our auras of night, though Rhys had brought along the crowns of raven wings that we had worn to greet the mortal queens.

I wasn’t sure how I’d managed to ignore the fact that he had crowned me as an equal long before we had mated, let alone confronted our feelings for each other. Stubbornness was clearly one of my defining character traits.

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Drive In (M -Namjoon)

*it takes me so long to write omg*

 Request: Car smut with Namjoon thanks 

Word count: 3,012 words 


There’s nothing wrong with having a devilishly handsome man buying you a lavish officetel, most of your wardrobe and your tuition.

“It sounds worse in my head.” You plopped face down into your sofa and let out a frustrated scream to the fabric cushion. You quickly sat up, fixing your messed up hair and grabbing your phone off the coffee table. You had to admit, your life isn’t fair compared to the lives of other university students like yourself.

Not all of them had a ridiculously hot sugar daddy that bends to their every whim.

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A Olicity Historical Romance AU inspired by the movie, The Scarlet Pimpernel. 

A/N: One of my all time favorite films is the 1982 version of The Scarlet Pimpernel.  I fell in love with Anthony Andrews when I was 13 years old and to this day his portrayal of the Scarlet Pimpernel still makes me swoon.  This will probably be about 3 chapters and is currently T-rated with a possible turn to M.

Chapter 1

London, England 1793

Lady Felicity Overwatch, widow of the Earl of Smoak, a renowned beauty of the English ton and member of a clandestine network that helped smuggle aristocratic Parisian children into Britain and away from the violent, bloodthirsty mobs of the reign of terror that currently swept France, stood at the edge of the crowded ballroom and tried not to show her distaste for the decadent waste of elite society.

How could so many people stand by and dance and laugh while so many lives were being snuffed out in the most heinous and callous of ways in a country not far from their own?  Entire families, who had committed no offense other than to have been born into French gentry and wealth, were sent to the guillotine under thunderous cheers of revolutionary masses.

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Quinn Romance Ramblings

Well, it’s that time again. It’s time for me to blather on in a somewhat directionless fashion about a BioWare romance. This post is even longer and more rambly than usual because Tumblr ate it and I had to rewrite it. If you want to avoid all spoilers, avoid this, as it will contain both romance and major plot spoilers. If you’d like me to post a spoiler free version, just let me know and I’ll happily do it. That will also probably be shorter and make more sense, heh.

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High School Isn't For Everyone

The first time I told my father I wanted to be a writer was in a therapist office, and it burns my heart like raw tequila thinking back to when he remarked, “that isn’t a real career." 

I think that was the moment I decided and never listened to my father again; you see, I have a thing about listening, and I rarely do. I hear others like a buzzing in my ear, but if I were to listen, if we all were to listen instead of shooing, the fly could be saying, "Help me! Help me! I’m a human! Please, won’t you help me?" 

"Don’t you want to be successful?” he asked me in that room filled with secrets. You can feel the ghosts of those who have committed suicide peering over your shoulders, guiding you to say the things they were never brave enough to say while here  "No,“ and I never gave him more of an answer than that because I know he doesn’t listen to anything but his own, and maybe that was the reason we were there, or maybe it was my parents weren’t in love anymore

I still don’t know which, or maybe it was everything in the vaguety of the word


And every time I’d sit in that living room next to the fireplace typing away my soul with 1,025,109.8 words, I knew he was disappointed in me - both because I was going down a path of nothing and also because he always wished he was that cat’s favorite

Cats and animals are always drawn to my genuinity, how I’ll rub their heads softly and whisper my writing into their bellies no matter how rough it is, how I’m a person of soft, when others hug me they say they feel their first child’s baby blanket, and my dad’s just a bed of nails. I still need ginger ale to rid of this burning in my throat sometimes

And so that cat was mine, and I loved her, and when I got my laptop out, she’d come pouncing and meowing in what seemed to be excitement. Everything I wrote I read aloud to her and she’d purr - she’d purr in the contentment that she only purred while outside. She was a hunter by blood. I’ve always been fascinated by cats, and will continue to compare myself to one: the way they’re curious, the way they rarely open up, but when they do, they’re yours forever. I think there is only one person I’ve ever opened up to. (forever yours)

One day just like any other, she never came home through that doggy door like she did every night. I still have writer’s block without her here at times, but she taught me something important. The grim reality of it is, she stumbled upon a prey she couldn’t overcome, but she tried. She inspired me to be a hunter myself. I then decided I never wanted to be my father’s definition of successful, I want to be mine

and mine is happiness.

So I dropped out of high school at seventeen because there was nothing there for me anymore but empty skulls and stale thoughts. School tried to mold my brain - it tried to make me think this certain way, and that’s not, and will never be, the road for me. I don’t belong somewhere where I feel pressured to be anything but "myself,” whatever that may be, and to be honest - I still don’t know, but that’s okay

I dropped out and got my GED, and the fact that I never got to attend a high school graduation still eats away at me, the leeches have gone away, but the bruises remain all over my skin reminding me, did I make a god awful mistake? and maybe I did

Am I happy now? I made this nerve wrenching decision that got me kicked out of my home, I’ve been screamed at. The bruises ‘fore mentioned weren’t only from the leeches, and this Zoloft has stripped my soul clean. I may have to go that route one day, stripping for horny men in dimmed lighting, black tears streaming down my face everyday because I still don’t make enough. Then, I may have to sell my body on street corners until every shred of dignity slowly becomes undone

And so now, let me tell you this, high school isn’t for everyone. The path I’m going down is purely my own. I long to be a writer, an author, a poet, and to be that, I’m not going to sit in a room where adolescents daydream of sex and suicide. Never again. My spark, that dull light that went out the day I was born, has been rekindled merely from taking a leap of faith into a never ending abyss only few have made it out of. This blog gives me hope… and Will I ever make it?

I think so, I truly do

I Should Have Known

credit to- sleepy hollow_101

My younger brother died this past February.

I should have known it was coming. As kids, we were really close, my brother and I. Spent all our time looking for toads in the backyard and chasing snakes. He was the creative type, ended up a writer. Kind of a hot-shot, too. We were still pretty close, even when the money came rolling in.

These last few months, though, things got a little different.

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