remakes are shit

What if the Pokémon world... had a Eurovision-esque contest??

Kanto: Doesn’t matter how terrible they are, because Johto will always give them a high score.

Johto: Doesn’t matter how terrible they are, because Kanto will always give them a high score.

Hoenn: Tends to submit a good-to-okay song, though is usually forgotten about by the end of the night.

Sinnoh: Always submits a peace song and ends up in the Top 5 because they get their friends to vote for them.

Unova: That one region that purposefully tries hard not to win.

Kalos: Used to be one of the best regions, with multiple wins in their history. Now so terrible, they’re rivalling the Orange Islands for most last place entries.

Orre: The YOLO region. Will submit anything, from a serious ballad about unrequited love and heartbreak to an old guy dressed as a Charmander rapping about cake.

Fiore: Also used to be one of the Pokévision greats, recently slipped into a dark age of not doing too well. They’re bad… but not as bad as Kalos.

Almia: Usually ends up in the top 5, courtesy to the Ranger bloc-voting.

Oblivia: Resorts to doing weird shit to get attention.

Orange Islands: Complains incessantly about how nobody votes for them because “They have no neighbours” In reality, no one votes for them because they’re crap.

Sevii Islands: Will have to re-apply for the ability to compete if they ever gain independence from Kanto.


The scores are read out in… Kalosian? Kaloese? PokéFrench anyway.

The maximum number of points a region can give is 12, therefore the highest score possible is 132. Nobody has yet managed a perfect score. The record high score is 116, achieved by the Orre region.

Kalos and Fiore share the record for most number of wins, with four each.

The Orange Islands have finished in last place 7 times, on four occasions with no points.

All the regions have won at least once.

The sixth contest ended in a three-way tie between Kalos, Fiore and the Orange Islands. This has been the only time the Orange Islands have won.

The second contest was won by the Kanto region, who used Jigglypuffs to lull the audience and viewers to sleep, and making them miss or forget the entries which followed. The incident caused Kanto to be disqualified for the next five contests, and Jigglypuffs have not been allowed to compete since. They are the only Pokémon banned from competing.

The minimum age for performers is 10 (surely if you can leave home to travel your country and catch and tame wild monsters at age ten, then surely you can perform on an international singing competition, right?)

Oblivia holds the record for least number of words in a winning song. Also, their one winner is also the only winning song to be performed entirely by a Pokémon.  For the record, the song was performed by a ukulele-playing Pichu and consisted of only 12 words.