Really interrupted sleep last night. Went to bed just before midnight woke up at 2, 2:38, 3:27 (stayed up for 20 minutes), 5, 5:30, and at 6:05 I gave up. High anxiety and some strong emotional memories from the hospital around the first half of the night. I don’t know if that was Lilac’s influence or not.
Generally I view my experiences in wards in a positive light, they have almost always helped in some way or another. It’s just the gripping fear the first few nights, feeling so alone like you’ll never see anyone you know again, feeling on guard from everyone, achingly depressed/suicidal, the lack of control or privacy–those are always so strong. Just thinking about it gets me shaky. I don’t think we’ve ever processed those feelings. Maybe I should bring it up in therapy.
Checking my fitbit the last couple of nights I haven’t been getting nearly enough REM sleep. Actually less than half of what I normally do. My general heart rate at work has also gone up.
Usually I’m at 70-90bpm with an occasional 112bpm if I’m really bustling around. The past few days I’ve been at 103–116bpm for the majority of my shift. My resting heart rate is still around 60bpm it’s just very high at work even when I remember it being slow. I wonder if it’s the meds?
Well today marks day four, bottoms up! *knocks back meds* :/