relationships tw

This post is probably gonna cop me a lot of negative, but it needs to be said.  

I’m so mad about the way the fandom is handling Mon el leaving right now. I’m mad because yes, the relationship was abusive… but Kara’s feelings were still Kara’s feelings.  What she did was probably the hardest thing she’s ever had to do and people are making light of it and expecting her to jump into a relationship and expecting her to be happy about being out of that situation.  

Sure, in a few months (more realistically, years) Kara might see the truth about the relationship and even acknowledge that it was toxic BUT for now, she was still in that relationship bubble and her feelings are fucking valid.  She was in love with him, and whether we as viewers agreed with it or not, she’s just lost the man she loved, someone who she thinks has made her the happiest.

She had to make a decision that she clearly struggled with.  She wanted to have what Alex has, what Winn has… But instead she had to sacrifice herself yet again.  

Every post making light of what Kara had to do is completely discounting every fucking emotion that comes with Kara’s situation.  

Tonight, when I watched 2x22, I was expecting to be happy about it.  I was expecting to see Mon El leave and feel a sense of joy, that maybe Kara’s character would start growing again. But you know what?  It hit me in the chest like a tonne of bricks because every time Kara cried, I felt it.  Because even when a relationship is toxic, there is still love.  It might not be healthy for either party but the pain and loss that you feel at the end of a relationship like that is still real and still valid.  

The most useless thing I was ever told?  “You’ll be better off now.” - the thing everyone in this fandom seems to be saying for Kara - Because I knew that.  I fucking knew it and that’s why I left.  But every time someone said it?  It made me feel like I was wrong to grieve my 9 year relationship, the one that gave me my son, that gave me the best and worst moments of my life.

I let it slide when I see posts about “Sunny Danvers”, I let it slide when I see fics disregarding the traumas Kara has faced since her parents put her in that fucking pod.  But seeing the fandom completely brush her aside and ignore the fact that she has once again, been forced into something that caused her another personal loss? It’s not fucking okay.

some good consent phrases

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed, of course, but I’m really glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”

“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

Consent culture - it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met - remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and being refused consent is a healthier and safer person.

just a friendly reminder: FRIENDSHIPS ARE RELATIONSHIPS, TOO.
  • friends can be emotionally abusive.
  • friends can be physically abusive.
  • friends can disappoint you.
  • friends can lie to you.
  • friends can make you wonder if they found someone better than you.
  • friends can be manipulative.
  • friends can give you severe trust issues.
  • friends can dump you.
  • friends can be jealous that other people want to be friends with you.
  • friends can argue over the same issue repeatedly because someone’s needs aren’t being met.
  • friends can hurt you.
  • friends can judge you.
  • friends can ghost you.
  • friends can damage your self esteem.

there does not have to be a romantic undertone. we put so much weight on romantic relationships that we forget how important friendships are. romance does not automatically give your relationship more validity. treat them the same.

9

Watch: This important video highlights the subtlety of emotional abuse when you’re in a relationship

Most depictions of abuse we’re used to seeing are physical — bruises and black eyes — but emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and much more subtle. So subtle, in fact, that many people might not even realize when a partner is emotionally abusive.That’s why Interval House, a Canadian shelter for abused women and children, teamed up with ad agency Union to create a video to help people recognize the signs of emotional abuse.

Gifs: Interval House

Abusive people who try to claim victim status make me so freakin’ angry. Like, no you are not a victim because people “called you out” on your behavior, or don’t “love you unconditionally,” or refused to associate with you anymore, or reported what you did. That’s not abuse, that is simply your victims trying to survive and break free. Honestly, an abusive person claiming that they are the real victims is the ultimate form of manipulation.

You’re entitled to your anger. You’re entitled to your bitterness.
It doesn’t make you as bad as the people who hurt you.
It doesn’t make you abusive to finally lash out and snap at your abusers.
It’s a recognized and common tactic for abusers to accuse their victims of being the perpetrator of the toxicity and abuse.
It’s not your fault though.
You aren’t as bad as them just because they finally pushed you to the breaking point.

You aren’t a bad person or a “bad victim” for your justified anger.
You don’t have to carry any guilt if the final straw ended in you telling someone how they hurt you. 
You aren’t the bad guy for resenting the way you were treated.
You aren’t deserving of it because you raised your voice or said harsh words.

You get to be upset. You get to be human.

4

I’ve buried my love in the moon dust .

Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.
Friends can be emotionally abusive.

I spent a lot of time thinking that the only abuse you could experience was from significant others and family. I don’t know why, but I assumed people who call themselves your friends wouldn’t do such a thing. I was wrong. Friends can hurt you. Friends can make you second guess everything. Friends can make you hate yourself. Friends can give you PTSD. friends can be fucking emotionally abusive.

Every mistake turned into a habit, so every apology meant nothing.
  • someone: you can't say that about your mother! she's your mom! mothers are loving and nurturing. How could you ever...
  • me, an intellectual: actually, social symbols like the symbolism we associate with motherhood are not absolute and are frequently used as a way to manipulate people into remaining loyal to those who don't offer them care or any benefit. i don't fall for the manipulation to which the masses seem to succumb.
  • someone:
  • someone:
  • me: also i was abused
  • someone: oh. well you're just projecting your experiences onto others...
  • me: look at the masses, succumbing

anonymous asked:

TT!! So i love your threads about Fenrir and Remus, i have a little bit of a problem though? Basically, I can't work out what Fenrir's feelings are towards Remus. (I'm autistic, so I find it hard to work out people's intentions/feelings, this isn't you or your acting ability, it's just me and the way my brain works) Could you explain how he feels about Remus? Is it a perverse kind of lust?? it feels a bit like it. or is it an obsession with a kid who's broken and self-loathing. Thank you!!

(( OOC: I haven’t really made it entirely clear, I’ve kept his feelings a bit ambiguous, so no stress. ;) I’ll explain how I see it more thoroughly.

Fenrir is the type of person that isn’t affected by anything… he does not have the ability to feel empathy or guilt. When it comes to “morality”, he doesn’t see the world the same way as other people.

Fenrir doesn’t live with the restrictions/limitations that come with having a “conscience”. He finds manipulation and destruction to be amusing. Life is a game… and his goal is to outsmart and overpower “inferior” minds. 

Because of these tendencies, Fenrir gets bored easily. People are predictable, their emotions and their reservations make it easy to determine how they will react in any given circumstance. It’s no fun to manipulate “normal” people, because the results are usually the same across the board. 

Remus is not “normal”. Remus is a werewolf, living and functioning in wizarding society. He has friends, he has support… and he’s probably the only werewolf to have ever attended Hogwarts (seeing as accommodations were made specifically for him when he arrived). Instead of embracing his curse (like Fenrir), or rejecting it and falling into madness, Remus has learned to work around his lycanthropy and find a place in the wizarding world. He’s a rarity. 

When Fenrir finds someone interesting, he zones in on them. All of his energy goes into “playing” with the people that catch his eye… and he can’t bring himself to stop until he “wins”… whatever his end game may be. 

Fenrir doesn’t have the ability to feel “love”… he doesn’t love Remus… he doesn’t care about Remus… he’s obsessed. He wants to “dismantle” Remus. He wants to see if he can break him… take away the qualities that make Remus unique. He wants to have complete control over Remus’s will… he wants to win. 

In a way, it is a form of lust… but not in the usual sense. 

That’s how I see his relationship with Remus. )) 

PSA for kids close to moving out

Im a junior three months away from the summer and I need to plan out my life and become an adult really soon to efficiently cut off my abusive parents, so I have some adulty tips and advice for people who will soon be gone but are totally confused on how to do the adult thing

☆Learn what credit is and get a credit card as soon as you can while youre employed
Credit is basically a score you get to track how ‘reliable’ you are in terms of paying back the bank (which is how credit cards work. Ex: you pay 20 dollars for some shoes with a credit card, the bank pays it. At the end of the month you repay the bank 20 dollars for that purchase) as opposed to a debit card where you put money in and spend it basically like a digital wallet, but you need credit. Many loaners (college kids im looking at you) and landlords look at this to see if you are reliable to pay rent or loans. So make sure you get a job for at least a year before you move out to collect credit

**KNOW YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
This is super important for documents and benefits, like insurance, passports, and even jobs.

** have some form of identification (drivers licences work best)

*try to get your license as soon as possible, not only is transportation vital but its also one of the best forms of identification

**have three copies of your birthcertificate

I know im probably missing a bunch so please comment more but i hope this helped ❤❤

You are not to blame for the way someone else deals with their pain.

minusthenegative.com