relationships to food

no but honestly in my entire family there were 0 loving and functional relationships modeled to me. literally…..none.

I have this really strong feeling that 2017 is going to be a really good year for me. I’ve maintained my weight for this past year and have even begun losing weight again but this time I’m doing it the right way. I’ve never had this good of a relationship with food and exercise before. I’m not obsessing, I’m not beating myself up. I’m eating enough and trying my best to live an active lifestyle even if that doesn’t include hitting the gym. The pounds have been falling off and I’m so close to my lowest weight ever and also the healthiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. My recovery is going so smoothly right now and I’m so thankful for it. I’m eating what I want, when I want, regardless if I’ve previously deemed the food “good” or “bad”. I’m ditching those labels. Getting rid of these labels has helped with my binging incredibly. I haven’t binged nor have I wanted to since I’ve stopped restricting myself. I’ve slowly been increasing my calories to where they should be, and I take days off at the gym when I don’t feel good or just really don’t want to go. I’m finally taking the medication I need in order to be okay and it’s helping SO much. I haven’t abused laxatives in months now and its a goal of mine not to touch them at all for all of 2017. I’m honestly doing so well right now and I cannot wait to see where I am by the end of 2017.

I’ll be very honest. I don’t think going vegan is the best way to have a better relationship with food. It won’t cure an eating disorder. I see a lot of young girls asking vegan blogs how much they should eat and if that’s too much. Your relationship with food can’t be solved by your diet, but your mindset. This is all my own experience as someone who doesn’t have the best relationship with food sometimes and realized the food I ate only partially helped me to feel better. I’m internally building a better foundation on how I think about food.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.