relationships

Sometimes I like you so much I can’t stand it. It fills up inside me, all the way to the brim, and I feel like I could overflow. I like you so much I don’t know what to do with it. My heart beats so fast when I know I’m going to see you again. And then, when you look at me the way you do, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
—  Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You

Ellie Goulding for ELLE UK July 2015: I did go on a few dates with Niall but I was never in a relationship with Ed. I have absolutely no idea where that came from and why it was turned into such a big thing. I find it so frustrating that female musicians are constantly defined by the men they have or haven’t dated. It’s something I’ve talked about with [Taylor Swift] a lot. She definitely feels that. She gets bothered by it. It’s like, you can be a great artist, you can write great songs, but the thing that everyone is going to talk about is some relationship they think you have had or not had. It’s definitely something we both think happens to female artists over male artists.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a recognised disorder which is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self loathing and a strong desire to isolate themselves. Sufferers believe that they lack social skills, and feel they don’t know or understand “the rules”. Hence, they tend to avoid social situations to avoid the pain of rejection by others.

People in a close relationship with them often feel frustrated by the person’s tendency to pull away from them and avoid other people. They also find it hard to lead an active social life as the sufferer refuses to go to events such as family gathering, work parties and so on. Also, they may feel pressurised to cut themselves off, too, and live in a bubble with the AVPD person. This can be a source of stress for the person and the extended family.

Although people with AVPD will generally display a number of the traits outlined below, each person is unique and different. (Also, most of us display avoidant traits at times but that doesn’t mean we have AVPD).

Symptoms and traits include the following:“always” & “never” statements; blaming; catastrophizing (automatically assuming a “worst case scenario”); circular conversations (endless arguments which repeat the same patterns); “control-me” syndrome (a tendency to form relationships with people who are controlling, narcissistic or antisocial); dependency; depression; emotional blackmail; false accusations; fear of abandonment; hypervigilance; identity disturbance ( a distorted view of oneself); impulsivity; lack of object constancy (the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent and reliable over time – regardless of whether you can see them or not); low self-esteem; mood swings; objectification (treating a person like an object); panic attacks; passive aggressive behaviour; projection (attributing one’s own feelings or traits onto another); self-hatred; “playing the victim” and thought policing (trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours.)

Specifically, the DSM-IV-TR, defines Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) as being:

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.
3. Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

A formal diagnosis must be made by a mental health professional.

“I think this is where you have to choose.”

“You have to decide whether I’m worth your time, your effort, your Sunday afternoons and your Monday mornings. You have to decide if you want me.”

Her voices drops to a whisper.

“You have to decide if you want all of me. The moments when I’m all over you and trace kisses across your jawline and the moments when I refuse to lift my head off the pillow or take off my headphones.”

“Because I’m done with answering the door only to have you slam it back in my face. I’m done with picking up the phone and listening to you fumble your way through half-hearted apologies and promises that you’ll break as soon as I put the phone down and I’m done with trying to remember what your voice sounded like when lies didn’t lace your every second word.”

“Don’t say that if I loved you I wouldn’t make you choose,” she cries when he opens his mouth to argue. “Don’t you ever dare tell me that I don’t love you.”

“Because the love I’m offering is the most complete thing left in my body. But I refuse to let you take it from me and break it without a second thought or glance in my direction.”

“So you have to choose, you have to decide, if this love is worth it.”

—  This is something called self-preservation, 03/06/2015

i have always been afraid of falling
until i was falling 
and then
it was the easiest thing in the world

when i was 5
we went to a swimming pool
i wanted to jump into the water
but i was scared of the steps i had to take between the board
and the abyss
and my dad held out his arms 
and he said 
‘you love the water, punkin
i won’t let you fall’
and so i let go
and i found myself smiling
and i found myself flying

when i was 10
all the neighborhood kids were doing trust falls
i was afraid
and my dad said 
'these are your friends
they won’t let you fall’
and so i went from biting my lip
to giggling out loud
and i landed in the arms of everyone on the block

when i was 20
i jumped backward off a 200 ft cliff in canada
and at the top
i cried and cried
i begged my dad to let me go back down
and he said
'you’re the girl who loves a rush,
i won’t let you back down now’
and so i found myself freefalling
and i found myself laughing
and i found myself screaming with joy

when i was 22
i met a boy
and when i looked at him
i could feel my whole heart crying out
'i thought i knew what love meant
i thought i knew
i didn’t
until you’
and i was so afraid to fall
i was so afraid to let go and get hurt for the thousandth time
i was so afraid 
to willingly hand my heart over like a knife
he could cut my throat open with
if he really wanted to
and he said 
'it’s ok to fall
you might hit hard
but i’ll pick you up at the bottom
because i’ve fallen
too’

and i knew
i found the only other man
i will ever love
as much 
as my father.

—  i am my father’s daughter and my lover’s other half (m.n.g)
Conversations with my mother

Before it happened. You know. Before she passed away. I asked my mother a question. It’s a question that I’ve always wanted the answer to but never found the right time.

I sat next to her bed in the hospital and said, “Mum, what is the type of person you want me to end up with?”. She was too sick to give me an answer, and so I never found out.

I always turned to my mother when things got tough. I would spend an hour every day calling her on the phone to talk about everything. She’s been through my coming out, my break ups, fights with friends, fights with family, my graduation at university, wishing me off to live in New York, and everything else in between. She lived a completely different life through me. She was always there to guide me, and although it was all different, it was all exactly the same.

I constantly question who I am as a person and I constantly question who that attracts. I guess I’m on my own. I’ll find my own answers.

I Grew Up in a Polyamorous Household

All in all, my upbringing shaped my personality for the better. I got to speak to adults from all manner of varying backgrounds, whether they were my parents’ partners, or parents’ partners’ partners, or whoever. I lived with people who were straight, gay, bi, trans, writers, scientists, psychologists, adoptees, Bermudians, Hongkongers, people of wealth, and benefits claimants. Maturing in that melting pot really cultivated and broadened my worldview, and helped me become the guy I am today.

I never envied my friends with monogamous parents. I knew kids who lived with two parents or one, or stepparents, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles. So what I had didn’t feel odd. I’d imagine there’s very little variation between the ways monogamous and poly parents fuck up their kids. Good parents are good parents, whether there are one or two or three or four of them. Fortunately, mine were incredible.

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There’s a song in Rhythm Heaven 3DS that’s about binge eating after you break up with your girlfriend. XD