I previously made a list of my favorite Shallura fics, and decided to pull together a new one for you guys!! Hopefully you find something you haven’t read yet. There’s a bit of a lag in Shallura fics lately (and content in general), but there’s absolutely still some good ones! Again, these are categorized to the best of my ability, since some of them can apply to more than one group!
“In which neither Shiro nor Allura can actually sleep at night and they’re super thirsty for each other, turning tentative hand holding into nearly making love on the floor which then somehow turns into seventy miles of blankets and then sleeping in front of a window.”
Almost smutty content, shy handholding to violent necking, insomnia, pining, not explicit
“Allura and Shiro are distraught and stressed after the events of Crystal Venom (S1x09). Through the power of sliding down dark castle halls like children, they learn that to be a leader, you can’t be serious all the time.
Oh, and there’s some Emotions™.”
Fluff and angst, comfort, PTSD, panic/anxiety attacks, comfort, platonic relationship, sort of, possible pining
“The war’s over, and the universe is starting to rebuild. As Allura leads the charge in forming new alliances, looking to the future, Shiro considers the kind of future he wants for them. But being a paladin means that your plans tend to go awry and your timing is never the greatest…“
Engagement, Shiro is a bit of a disaster, but he loves her so much ya’ll, background relationships, but only if you’re looking for it, proposal-blocked, supportive Keith, gorgeous scenery, nervous Shiro, Shiro’s parents, new home
wow carol has so many options for a romantic love interest remember tobin yeah that was totes adorbs and most definitely a thing ooh the chemistry between her and ezekial he the king to her queen af and don't forget morgan he and carol are always on the same page and they just get one another ya know i just can't wait to see who carol falls in love with i simply cannot decide
daryl especially would make a good love interest-
OH my gOD what is it with you shIppers why you gotta make evERythING about """hooki ng up"" this is a ZOMBIE SHOW not a gOt DaMn romancenovel whY can't a MAN and WOMAN just be fRIENDS like thE walking DeD does NOT need anymorE couPLse jeez ever heard of PLATONI C relAtio
1. They are able to stay calm, and maintain self-control.
2. They have clear boundaries between themselves and other people.
3. They respect their own and others’ boundaries.
4. They don’t become defensive, or feel completely crushed, when someone is critical of them or their work.
5. Where appropriate … they are able to take their fair share of the blame, and are quick to apologize when they are in the wrong.
6. They are flexible, and willing to adapt or change.
7. They know their limitations, and are happy to be helped.
8. They forgive themselves willingly – and then move on with life.
9. They don’t bear grudges, or play games with people’s feelings.
10. They are responsible, persistent, and are people of their word.
-Sos lo primero que pienso en las mañanas y último en las noches
-No me voy a dormir sin antes decirte buenas noches
-Cuando veo algo gracioso inmediatamente pienso en vos y te comparto el link
-No puedo imaginarme un futuro sin vos
-Me preocupa que te pase algo
-Me encanta verte feliz
-Te stalkeo todos los días
-Me pongo triste si no me hablas u.u
-Soy un poco celosa pero respeto las cosas que te importan y te hacen bien
-Tengo un playlist dedicado a vos
-Me desconcentro en parciales si pienso en vos
-Te doy besos aunque no te hayas afeitado por días
-Me asusto cuando cruzas la calle y viene un camión o auto
-Cuando no estás te extraño
-Cuando estás también
-Cuando nos juntamos toda la angustia que tengo se me pasa de un segundo al otro
-Quisiera ser la persona que te hace feliz
-Quiero vivir experiencias con vos
-Confío en vos y sabes cosas mias que no le cuento ni a mis mejores amigos
La lista sigue… pero no la terminarias de leer más
Good morning France. Uh... Are you wanting a romantic relationship with me?
So what if I am?
Well, then we'd run into several problems. I'm already in a romantic relatio-
*uncomfortably* Excuse me for a minute. *walks out of room, gets in a cab, goes through customs, boards plane, watches spongebag on the plane, gets off plane, gets in cab, enters the white house, goes to America's room, knocks on door* America?
Yes? *opens the door*
*On his knees, holding a box with a ring* Will you marry me?
Warning: smut + slight daddy kink i tried not to go to extreme tho + ice cubes
Request: I fricking love your account! I was wondering if you could make a smut with Ashton, where he would be your “gardner/cleaner” he would be in the garden and you would watch him until he notices and then yeah😛
It had been a long day and you were finally home from school. It was baking hot outside and I was sweating in my school uniform, who would even want to wear a blazer in the scorching heat. I opened the door to my house, a wave of coldness ran through me. Obviously our maid had turned it on. My parents weren’t home they were always working, both being CEO’s of there own business. I was also a only child which meant most of the time I got my massive house to myself. My parents both had different house all over the world. Currently they were in Mexico for a week, figuring out business plans and what not.
Even though my parents were never home I still loved them and I’m thankful for them. They’re not like any other strict parents, when I told them I was going to art college and not a law university they didn’t mind. My mum said to follow my dreams and she’ll make them happen. I’m also thankful that they knew they wouldn’t be around much so they got a nanny, her name is Lorna, nowadays she only checks up on me once a week but from a young age she was there every second of the day like a nanna figure.
Recently my mum had hired Emily and Ashton. Emily was our maid, she’d come round do the washing up and wash my clothes. Even though many times I have told her that I am a adult and can do things like that myself. I walked into the kitchen throwing my lunch box onto the counter. I looked out the window to see Ashton. Ashton was our gardener and he cleaned the pool every other day. He was gorgeous, today he had his shirt off and sweat dripping down his tanned torso, his sweaty hair was pushed back. I bit my lip and walked over to the white marble staircase.
I walked down the large corridor, which had embarrassing photos of me strung up against the wall. I opened my door to my room and threw my school bag onto the floor. I walked over to my wardrobe doors and opened it, I walked inside of my wardrobe down the small hallway and I took off my blazer. Yes I had a walk in wardrobe, but I wasn’t spoilt, far from it. I’m so grateful for everything my parents have done and I aspire to be like them and hope if I ever had children I can support them like my parents do with me. Also people who are snobby piss me off, where I live there are plenty of people like that who annoy the hell out of me. I’m definitely. like that, I respect everything and make sure that I study and make money.
Also the 19 years olds around here are either really snobby and act like they’re the smartest even know we all know there parents pay for there grades. Or they go against there parents and turn out to be a junkie sat in the back of a old camper van on some field in the middle of no where. Me however am just a normal person, alongside the massive house and walk in wardrobe. I unbuttoned my shirt blouse, pulling it off my shoulders and throwing it into my wash bin. I unzipped my skirt and threw that in the wash bin alongside my shirt. I grabbed the a towel off the towel rack and dabbed my body. Luckily in my wardrobe there was a small aircon. I stood in front of it, trying to cool off and wiping over my body with the towel.
I unclipped my bra, wiping away the sweat under my breasts and pulled down my panties. Today felt like a day where I could just chill by the pool. So I grabbed my black swimsuit and peeled it on my body and over my boobs. I pulled up the straps and grabbed a hair band. I grabbed my hair brush, brushing my hair up into a high ponytail and tying the elastic around my hair. I walked over to my jewellery section and picked up my shades, placing them on my head. I walked back over to my shoes and grabbed my black flip flops, sliding them on my feet.
I walked out of my wardrobe and closed the door. I went over to my make-up desk and wiped off all my make-up with a wipe, throwing the wipe in my trash. Since my sweat had made it run all over my face. I re applied some nude lipstick and made my way downstairs.
“Ashton would you like a ice pop? or a water” I shouted out, into the garden.
“Water with ice please, princess” he said back. Princess was the nickname he gave me when he started working 4 years ago when he was 18. I weirdly liked it, it was a sense of belonging. Not that I’d ever go there with Ashton, I mean I’ve thought about it but I know if my dad would find out he’d be mad at me for sleeping with an employee.
I grabbed Ashton’s favourite glass, it was just a simple crystal glass with an A carved into it. My parents had brought it back from Rome when they went two years ago, it was Ashton’s birthday and they decided to get him a gift since he hasn’t been any where around the world apart from here in Australia. I grabbed the bottle of suncream, along with the popsicle and Ashton’s water making my way out to the patio and sun lounger.
I placed the water and popsicle on the small coffee table, under the shade of the umbrella. I popped the cap of the suncream open and sat on the sun lounger. I watched Ashton fish out the leaves in the swimming pool with a net and squirted the sun cream onto the palm of my hand. I wiped the sun cream over my arms, making sure to rub it all in. I travelled down to my legs, squirting extra cream onto my shins. Ashton pulled the net out of the swimming pool and tipped it into a black bag. He smiled at me, placing the net down and made his way over to me. I sun creamed around my toes, they’re by far the worst part of your body to get burnt so I made sure I got in-between my toes. Ash grabbed his water, he threw his head back gulping it all.
“Ah” he gasped, placing it back down onto the coffee table. I ran my fingers over my breasts and Ashton bit his lip smiling at me. I rubbed the suncream over my neck and dotted it around my face rubbing it in. Ashton was stood at the end of the sun lounger looking at me.
“Ash can you cream my back?”
“Thats a bit inappropriate don’t you think” he smirked, I just shook my head and passed him the sun cream. I turned around, pulled my hair over my shoulders and took my swimming costume off but making sure to hold the cups over my breasts. Ashton sat down behind me on the sun lounger and pulled me up against his crotch. I heard Ashton put some in his hands and he ran his hands over my back. He massaged into my shoulder blades, feeling my body relive some stress, I let out a small moan at the feeling, as he kissed over my back. He hands pulled away from my back and he stood up wiping his hands over his chest.
Ashton walked over to the black bag and tied it up, walking round the front obviously to put it in a bin. I grabbed a hold of the popsicle and tore the wrapper open, spitting out the bits of plastic that got caught in my teeth. I slid the wrapper down the popsicle and sucked onto the end of it. These were special popsicles that Lorna made, she was from Spain and made all sorts of different food for me. This being a strawberry and banana infused ice pop. I sucked onto the ice pop feeling the flavours burst around my mouth, but effortlessly cooling my whole body.
I sat on the chair before Ashton came back into sight and was putting the net back in the equipment shed. When he walked out he looked at me and gulped. He made his way over to me and grabbed his glass.
“Did you want a drink?” he stuttered watching my lips wrapped around the ice pop.
“No thank you”
“Ok well I’m off”
“No stay for a bit” I said, biting my lip and finishing off my ice pop. I placed the plastic on the coffee table and stood up walking over to the pool. I nodded towards him as he made his way over.
“Honestly I should get going” he mumbled
I pouted and he stood next to me on the poolside. I got a light bulb and looked at him, he was wearing short and his t-shirt and phone were perched on a coffee table. I swiftly pushed him into the pool and laughed, he caused a massive splash and I stood back. He came up from the water shaking his hair and wiping it back.
“You little shit” he laughed
I smirked and did a runner up to the pool and did a canon ball right next to him. I saw his body move underwater as I made my way above it. I pushed my hair out of my face and wiped my eyes. Ashton wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, as I giggled into his chest.
“You may look like a innocent princess, but you’re not are you?” he rasped. I just laughed swimming away from him and swimming towards the edge grabbing the long blue floatie. I raised my eyebrow at Ashton and swam up to him, he however started splashing me as I tried to hit him with the floatie.
We had both gotten out of the pool and he handed me a towel, I wrapped it around my body drying off. We both sat down on the sun loungers was Ashton flicked his wet hair every where.
“Dude” I whined, hiding my face in the towel. He giggled showing off his dimples and dropped his towel so his shimmering body was on show.
“Hey you wouldn’t mind if maybe I stayed here tonight?” he asked. “Your parents said if I ever needed anything and they weren’t around I could ask you”
“Yeah sure! May I ask why?” I questioned
“My room mate has his annoying parents round who like to go at it until 3am, I haven’t got much sleep and I know here its peaceful”
“Of course you can” I laughed.
“Alright” he smiled “I’m going to go home and grab a few things then I’ll come back ok Princess?”
“Ok Ash, see you later” I blushed as he winked at me grabbing his top and phone, sauntering out of my house.
Me and Ashton had ordered Pizza and were currently talking about life, I was getting to know him. Even though I had known him for 3 years, I didn’t really know him, I watched him but it was a more employee relationship.
“So whats it like?” he said, placing his plate down on the sofa and looking at me with his beautiful hazel eyes.
“This life, big house, rich parents, maids-”
“Lonely” I mumbled, tasking the last bite of the pizza and placing the plate onto the table. Ashton looked at me with a sad smile and sat closer to me. I wiped my mouth with the towel and smiled at him.
“Well, parents are always away, I don’t have any siblings, I’m the only normal person in my school. You’re the first person ever to have a sleepover round my house and I’m what 19?”
“Well I’m hounerd” he laughed. He looked at me and looked over my features, his eyes travelled over my lips and down my swimming costume that I still hadn’t taken off due to me going back into the pool when Ashton left. He leant on the back of the sofa licking over his lips and he smiled at me.
“What you thinking about?” I asked
“You” he muttered
“Oh really” I grinned, I crawled over to him climbing onto his lap and perched my hands on his thighs.
“What about me?” I stammered, leaning my forehead on his.
“How for about 3 years, I’ve watched you grow into a beautiful, sexy woman and I want nothing more to do then have you my way”
“Then have me Ash” I beamed. Ashton immediately crashed his lips on mine,letting out and wine. He nibbled on my bottom lip pulling it and his hand was against the back of my neck pulling me closer to him. His tongue entered my mouth and I moaned feeling his hands grabbed my ass. I grinded lightly on his crotch and stroked up his chest, under his shirt.
I pulled his shirt above his head detaching our lips and throwing his shirt on the coffee table, nearly knocking over a plate. I got back to making out with him, sucking on his lips and feeling pure ecstasy. I reached my hand to the back of his hair tangling my fingers through his locks and grinding myself on him.
“Bedroom” I moaned on his lips
I got up off of his lap and stood up pulling him up with him and pecking his lips. We walked over to the staircase but Ashton pulled back. “Hang on” he mumbled.He walked into the kitchen, crashing the ice pallet against the counter and putting a few ice cubes in a bowl and came back over to me.
“What are those for?”
“Just trust me Princess” he grinned. We walked hand in hand up to my room and walked over to my fluffy bed. I sat on the edge as Ash placed the bowl on my dresser. I laid back down on the bed as Ashton took off his shorts, climbing over me.
“You ok with this Princess?”
“More then ok” I said, grabbing his face and pulling it to mine. I kissed his lips as he sat up stroking down my body.
“So pretty, Princess”
“So if you’re going to call me princess, what do I call you?” I smirked
“Call me daddy” he moaned in my ear. Ashtons hand came round to the back of my swimsuit pulling it down and sucking on my nipple. His hands pulled it down the rest of the way but he was roughly nuzzling my nipple between his pink puffy lips. He grabbed a ice cube and sat up. He placed the ice cube between my breast and a shiver ran down my back. He leant down dragging the ice between his lips and over my right nipple. He swirled it around causing a cold pleasure wave strike through my body. He ran it back over to my other nipple making sure to leave it on there. He leaned his head up, kissing me with his cold lips, his finger came to the ice cube and he rolled it around in circles.
“Daddy” I moaned, grabbing the sides of his waist. The ice cube melted against my hot body and he flung my swimming costume on the floor. He kissed down my stomach and onto my clit, sucking onto it. He got out another ice cube and I saw his eyes glint. He rubbed the ice cube against my clit and down to my hole. He ran it back over my slit and through my folds. I moaned at the contacted and ran my fingers through his hair. His finger moved the ice cube to my clit as his tongue dipped into my entrance. He swirled the ice cube around making my hips shake as the coldness of the ice but the warmth of his tongue was pure sex.
“Fuck Daddy” I moaned, he looked up at me and sucked onto my entrance with his tongue rubbing over my walls. His tongue flicked inside me as his hands ran up against my thighs. My vision began to blur as I felt my insides flutter around his tongue.
“I’m going to cum” I moaned, my legs tensed as I came around his tounge and threw my head back into the pillow.
I came down from my high, the ice cube on my pussy was now just water dripping down over my hole and down my ass. I sat up and grabbed Ashtons hair and turning him on his back. I pulled down his boxers as fast as I could throwing them on the sofa. I grabbed a ice cube, already watching it melt in the palm of my hand and placed it on his balls. I ran it up his dick, against the prominent vein and he groaned. I swirled the ice cube around the tip of his dick and looked up at him through my eyelashes. I sucked onto the ice cube, making it melt it my mouth as I licked over his tip.
“Princess I need you to ride me” he moaned, pulling me up by my hair. My wet pussy grinding on his cold cock as I leant down and grabbed another ice cube. I put it in my mouth and leant down running it over Ashton’s lips. I grabbed a hold of Ashton’s dick and placed it at my entrance, I sunk down slowly onto him only moving on his tip before taking him all the way.
I bounced on his cock him filling me up to the brim and I looked down watching him sink into me. I felt him stretch me out with his thick cock as the hairs on his cock, tickled against my clit. I bit my lip bouncing and feeling his hip thrust up to meet mine.
“Fuck Y/N baby” he growled, his hands coming to my waist and stroking up.I rolled my hips on his, feeling his balls rub against my ass. I ran my fingers over his beautiful chest, leaving small scratches over his stomach. I bounce again on his dick feeling him start to tremble underneath me. He rubbed my clit, stroking over it as I felt my second orgasm approaching. I threw my hand over my mouth crying out moaning as I came. Ashton slipped himself out of me and stroked his cock. I stroked over my sensitive pussy and climbed off Ashton watching him jerk off. He closed his eyes and squeezed his cock. I leant down and sucked on his tip as he wanked. He came in my mouth, small spurts covered the inside of my mouth as I swelled them. He let go of his dick and I licked him clean tasting myself and him. I climbed up the bed and laid down on Ashton’s chest, watching it inhale and exhale.
What do u think will happe do dean and castiels relatio ship once Cas comes back for this season?
Well I imagine that Cas isn’t going to come back all ok and fine and they can hug, kiss and be happy in 13x06.
Shit is gonna go down.
As for after that, once those things are “sorted” I expect still some reticence, some worrying about their feelings being unrequited etc.
They also cannot advance to their happy endgame TOGETHER unless they themselves have accepted themselves and feel self worth, so we need Dean to complete his denouement from his climax in 12x22 and for Cas to complete all of his journey too since his death.
So they have to work on themselves first before they can be together, so I expect lots of this and also a build up of their feelings being framed as heavily romantic (building on the subtext of 8 years and the especially strong subtext of season 12) before hopefully something very very strong in the finale.
I would LOVE for 13x23 to give us Cas’ decision to be Human, after a build up of re-explaining why this is a good thing for his character, so that is the finale, alongside Jack helping them defeat Lucifer.
I’d then love 14x01 (because it’s their 10 year anniversary!) to just open after all this Destiel build up and now with Human!Cas with an alarm going off, Dean in bed with his eyes closed before hearing a rustling of sheets, we see Dean smile and as it fades out we hear “Dean” in Cas’ husky voice before Dean rolls over and says “morning Cas” softly.
OR the first half of season 14 is the Dean/Cas build up with Cas in the bunker, human etc as we read in fanfic, with the Destiel climax moment in the midseason finale… it depends how long they’re gonna go on for :)
Ideally human!cas and destiel should be separate but they can be approx the same time, as long as it’s clear that Cas choice to be human doesn’t rest entirely on Dean :)
Summary: In which you’re absolutely insecure but Jimin doesn’t agree on how you view yourself. IDKKK
Note: I’m just testing stuff out hehe. This is all just an
experiment to see if I could become confident again in what I write lol.
It was one of those days that Jimin comes over and the two of
you would watch all the latest movies and episodes of dramas that the both of
you haven’t watched yet. It was hard for Jimin to come by these days since he’s
an aspiring idol and he became a trainee a few months back. But he still
managed to hang out with you from time to time.
The two of you were watching a romance type of drama that made
you want to scream how obvious it was that the female lead would end up with
the guy that was always with her from the start. Even if she was pining over
some other guy in the current episode.
It was undeniably warm in your room even if it was pouring
outside. You were lying comfortably on Jimin’s chest as he had his arms wrapped
around you with his head resting comfortably on your shoulder. The laptop was
placed in front of the both of you with your pillows near the side of it due to
the mini pillow fight you and Jimin had over to see who get’s to choose first.
Obviously, he won seeing as the two of you weren’t watching Suspicious Partner
as of now.
By the end of the episode, it got you thinking a whole bunch of
negative thoughts. Especially since you just watched a typical romance drama.
It’s been a little over 8 months since you last had been in a relationship. And
that relationship didn’t last that long either.
“I’m not worth anyone’s time, aren’t I?”
He looked over to you with shock written all over his face on what you said. “What? I mean it’s obvious that no one wants me. I barely have a love life.”
“Don’t say that, (Y/N)-”
“To be honest, I don’t think I would even date myself. Look at me, I’m ugly, not slim enough and I’m definitely not smart. I don’t have charisma nor do I have an appeal to guys. I’m socially awkward, have less than mediocre skills in cooking and I don’t have any talents. I’m just a plain gray not-so-unique (Y/N). Plus I laugh like a windshield wiper and I’m always never the ideal type of the guy I like.”
By the end of what you said, the room was silent and you had unwrapped yourself from his arms and brought your knees to your chest while looking at your bedroom floor with glassy eyes.
“(Y/N), you’re not any of those. You’re outstandingly beautiful, you got a perfect body even if it isn’t the ideal body type and god, if I could tell you how many damn times you’ve beaten me in a debate because of all that knowledge you have I would. If you only knew how other guys look at you and wish they get to call you theirs. You are the kindest person I have met. And who wouldn’t want a beautiful, smart, kind and caring person to be theirs?”
He certainly knew he would.
You scoffed and looked up at him with a few tears rolling down your face as you look at him with disbelief. “Would you date me?” You said those words so sarcastically since you knew he would never look at you in that way.
“Yes.” At least you thought you knew. And he didn’t have a hint of hesitation in his voice. Your eyes grew wide as you slowly took in his answer. And realization hit you, it was just to make you feel better. He wouldn’t actually want to. You would know, you fell in love with him long ago. But he never saw you in that light. So you tried to move on. And it sort of worked. Sort of.
“Thanks Jimin. But I know that you will never see me that way. If this just to make me feel better, it’s not working. “ By now, you were on the verge of breaking down. Since the feelings you thought were gone yet again resurfaced. And it’s not helping in any way.
He scooted over to where you sat down with your hands to your face trying to stop the tears. He took your hands in his. You slowly looked up to him. And you were beyond confused as to why he was crying too. You were about to ask what was wrong and why he was crying but he spoke first.
“Please, (Y/N), stop doing this to yourself. You were always like this ever since we met back in high school. I thought in time, you would become more confident and realize that you’re already perfect. You say you’re the walking epitome of imperfections. But do you know what I see? I see absolute perfection made into 1 person. And I can’t believe I got lucky enough to even be this close to you.”
“S-Stop, Jimin. Just please. I understand that you’re my best friend and that you probably feel obligated to make me feel better. but it isn’t working-”
“Repeat what you said but instead direct it at me.”
He said those words with utmost seriousness in his eyes that you know he wasn’t joking when he said that.
“J-Jimin. I can’t-”
“Because I’d feel terrible! You aren’t any of those. You’re the exact opposite.”
“Then don’t say that to yourself. That’s how I feel whenever you say those type of things. You don’t know how many times I’d come back to the dorms already missing you and feeling butterflies fluttering in my stomach over the previous activities we do. You don’t know how many times I wake up feeling giddy on the thought of just seeing you and seeing you laugh and smile because of me. You don’t know how many times I think of you praising me and feeling proud of all the accomplishments I achieved. And that thought drives me to be more determined to work harder.”
You opened your mouth to speak but he pulled you to his chest. making your head rest against his chest and his head buried in the crook of your neck. He wasn’t finished yet.
“And all these small intimate moments we have like cuddling, I sometimes think that we’re actually in a relationship and this is how it feels to call you mine. And oh god, don’t get me started on how I had to hold myself back from kissing the life out of you after getting a taste of your oh-so-addicting lips after you got dared to kiss me. And hell, if you only knew how much my pride and ego boosted when I knew that was your first kiss. Fuck, and those times where I see you with other guys and I see how they look at you. I try my hardest to try and stop myself from showing them who you belong to even if there isn’t even an us. Yet, hopefully.”
He felt him smile a little before continuing on.
“And it hurts me to see you like this. And I try everyday to remind you you’re worth so much more than what you think you’re worth.”
By the time he finished what he wanted to say, the both of you were sobbing relentlessly into each other. Part of you was really touched on what he said, another part of you was going blank. It’s still trying to process and comprehend what the hell this meant.
A while later, the both of you calmed down.And there was just a resonating silence in the room. The atmosphere was so awkward you wanted the Earth to swallow you up. Jimin had his arms already unwrapped around you and you could feel his intense gaze on you.
“(Y/N), please say something. I know you’re probably confused right now, but your silence is killing me.” He chuckled a bit, trying to lighten the mood. But deep down, your silence did nothing but help him think that this was going to end in the worst case scenario he thought of.
“Did you mean all of that?”
“Yes! God (Y/N), you really want me to say it out loud, don’t you? I love you. And how many times do I have to tell you, you’re not any of those and you’re perfect.”
You smiled. You went nearer to him and hugged him. Jimin visibly relaxed under your touch. You went back to your neglected laptop and typed in your password.
“Wait, what does that make us? Are we like- in a relatio-”
“Shhh. Let’s just figure all that later. For now, it’s time to watch Suspicious Partner.”
And he got quiet after that. But he had possibly the most heartwarming smile on and leaned back on your bed’s headboard. You sat in between his legs and got comfortable on his chest. You pressed the play button and waited for it to load.
“Now that I thought about it, you do sound like a windshield wiper when you laugh.”
Your tone may sound a bit angry but you can’t help but laugh silently at that. You knew he was only teasing. Hopefully.
“Oh, and Chim?”
“Hm?” You hadn’t called him Chim in a while so he got a bit surprised on hearing you call him that again.
And soon enough, he felt a pair of lips on his cheek. But it was far too soon when you pulled away and cheekily smiled at him. His face was basically a tomato now. The spot where you gave him a small peck still tingled and he swears he could still feel the ghost of your lips on it.
“I love you too.”
For the rest of the episode and even in the other shows you two watched, he couldn’t focus entirely on it. His eyes kept glancing back at you if you would do it again but you were far too immersed in whatever was happening to do anything. Once he realized that, he just gave up and basked the feeling of having you close to him and finally being able to call you his, your I love you too ringing in his head over and over again. He liked this feeling. He could get used to feeling this.
I grew up as a Catholic, went through
the rituals of baptism and even catechism. Which up to this day I’m not entirely
sure what that actually means. This just shows how much of a Catholic I am. To
be honest I never really understood why I went through all that, but I guess peer
pressure can often take you to places you never intended to go to. This remains
true to this day, although to a lesser extent. I think.
Interestingly enough I consider my
family as half-heartedly religious. By that I mean, the only person I
considered religious in my family was my father. Sunday churches, prayers
before dinner, my dad was central in reminding us to do these religious chores.
Everyone else just went with the flow of the spiritual (and moral) ideals of
the man of the house.
Although I was never particularly
religious, and have now perhaps shaken off whatever Catholic/Christian labels I
have left in me (not that I had much to begin with that is), I did always know though
based on this religious upbringing that I was a minority in Indonesia. The
obligatory religious identity written on our national identity cards constantly
reminded me of this. However, I didn’t at that time understand the implications
of having such an identity even if it was purely administrative purposes.
However, to be honest, my experiences of
growing up as a minority didn’t necessarily make me feel like a minority. Even
if most of my schooling that I went through in Indonesia, which amounts to a hefty
11 years of my youth, were mostly in private Catholic schools, the schools and
universities were open to non-Catholics. And so, I made friends, very good
friends with non-Catholics, non-Christians, and of course with many Muslims. The
predominant religion in Indonesia.
This was never an issue for me. As my
own late grandfather from my mother’s side was a Muslim and a huge chunk of my
family up until this day are Muslims. The majority-minority labels and the
baggage that comes with it were not non-existent but just unimportant in my
life. It was a bit foreign or even odd if someone were to bring it up trying to
solidify a magical boundary between us and them. Religion was never a hindrance
towards building family ties, friendship or even my own personal pursuit in
finding love. I think I can honestly say that building relationships with
people of differing religious backgrounds was just normal. Mundanely normal.
I had the naivety (and to be honest I
think I still continue to do so) that the difference in personal religious
beliefs could always be transcended by the realization of how as human beings
we are fundamentally no different from each other. Physically, emotionally and first
and foremost existentially. Everyone had blood coursing through their veins,
feeding their minds and hearts that gives birth to emotions that we all can
understand and relate to. And everyone has and will continue to ask, some through
openly written pieces and public discourses, some secretly during their morning
showers, of the meaning of life or how to have a meaningful life or variations
of this question.
Basically, I just saw religious
differences as inconsequential in building relationships, again be
it romantic or platonic, as we all are tormented by the same wish to understand
our existence, our individual importance in a vast sea of people.
somewhat fatalist view of diversity is I guess the reason why I felt that I
could connect, befriend, be respected, and be truly loved by all regardless of
their religious beliefs. Which then made me feel part of something bigger than
myself. I had a sense of belonging with the society, my Indonesian society. My
approach to religious diversity was of course, I soon found out, not shared by
all, not even many.
this a few years later and it is overtly apparent that Indonesia is embroiled
in sectarian tensions and conflicts and it turns out, to my dismay, has
historically always been that way. Perhaps not as alarming as today but
nonetheless it is nothing new.
In the past
few years, I’ve witnessed how some of my personal relationships with friends,
neighbours, family, have changed. Outlooks on life, social values and morals
have been reshaped through a more conservative and many times segregated lens. Collective
ideas or wishes of where Indonesia should be headed have become vastly
different. A widening gap of the social imagination imagined by the divided imagined
I find it
sad if not tragic that my own academic research only reaffirms this, and it
seems that Rara’s research so far also confirms this.
times like this, I feel disconnected, disenchanted, alienated & most
definitely I feel powerless. I feel that my connection with this nation-state
called Indonesia, that my citizenship, my legal, cultural, emotional connection
with the land I was born in is useless and pointless.
And I write this in English, not in my so-called native tongue of
Indonesian. With the reason being English is the language I grew up with (due
to the privilege of having a highly-educated family). English has become my
most fluent language, the one that I am most comfortable with, it is the
language I think in. If I were to use Indonesian in speaking, my brain would
take a few precious seconds translating it before sputtering it out. It has
helped me though to listen more, deep listening, that it in itself is quite
positive I reckon. Especially living in a society where people are wanting more
to be heard. If I were to use Indonesian for writing, it is a tremendously
taxing effort, thankfully for this I have Rara to help me edit many of my
writings. And I truly understand that by using English as my main communicating
language I am alienating myself even further.
I am a minority in many ways aside from my ‘legal religion’ or my ideas on life
I do though
find the innocence of many Indonesians amusing if not briefly alluring when
they talk how beautiful Indonesia’s natural scenery is, or how diversely unique
Indonesia is, or how resource rich Indonesia is blessed with and most certainly
how patriotic Indonesians are with their red and white flags. Often quite
excessively. Sometimes even drawing from historical footage of our brave
forefathers fighting against Dutch and Japanese colonialism to make their point.
They all seem to be blissfully unaware of the deep-seated issues continuously
dividing Indonesians. Issues of religious and social conservatism, ahistorical understandings
and normalized injustices just to name a few, so deeply ingrained within the
consciousness of many.
say then that ignorance is bliss. But then I would think that we would then be
unaware how often unseen structural forces governs our lives. We would live
life, at many times in anger, sadness or even despair yet oblivious of its deep
structural causes. Then if that is the case, does knowledge of which give us the
impenetrable sight to see these determining hands of our lives, also provide us
with the pleasure of knowing such a thing? Does knowing give us hope? Is hope
essentially about not only knowing more of the conditions in which we live in but
also by knowing these conditions we would then find some form of solution that
gives us hope in return.
I feel more
of a minority today than when I was in high school or university which come to
think of it was more than 10 years ago. To have gained the knowledge to see how
remnants of colonialism, a gripping hold of state capitalism, seeping
neoliberalism, persistent feudalism, ever-growing fundamentalism, consuming
consumerism, and a dumbing education system have all been rolled into one. This
knowledge is either damning or enlightening or a sad mixture of both,
reflecting nothing more than the contradictory nature of the human being. It is
not just the condition of which my society is in that I often weep for, but the
lack of progress within these shameful areas that disheartens me. I do in many
way feel hopeless.
I am sure
Indonesia will become “makmur” or
wealthy in the near future. Economists have prophesied this, partially thanks
to our abundance in population and our unhinged consumeristic lifestyle. But the
increase of wealth does not automatically translate into a more critical,
inclusive, democratic citizen, which we desperately need in a precarious time
such as now. We would need much more than wealth. Nor does Indonesia’s damning
current education system provide such a thing. Those who only actively support
such a system, in whatever they do, I only see them as accomplices in preserving
the uncritical state of Indonesia’s citizens.
What I then
struggle with now is the constant oscillation between hope and hopelessness,
the comprehension and acceptance of my current reality and the possibility of some
kind of better future. I am looking for a more consistent form of hope.
Come to think of it, it would be foolish for me to define the singular
nature or source of hope. Hope I’ve come to realize, can be one, it can be
many, it can move wildly from one to another. It can evolve from one to many,
or be reduced from many to one. Hope is everything that gives value to one’s
I guess this is
where my fusion of social sciences, which I understand is becoming more
grounded in Marxist-Freirean views on critical citizenship, and engaged Buddhism
kicks in. Where I’ve noticed over the years has become a constant endeavour to
find consensus between the two (liberation theology of revolutionists from
South America is a clear influence to this though). As what gives value to
one’s life, to my life, is what I consider to be deeply personal, a deep
insight into the self yet at the same time intertwined with being more
empathetically responsive to my socio-political milieu.
my interest and empathy towards society is one of the main driving force of my
social activities, what gives me hope to act towards societal injustices
resides within my personal relationships. Especially my relationship with Rara.
This I’ve noticed can become an issue. I often would think what it would be like
if she is no longer here with me? What would happen to me?
I am afraid
to lose Rara, as my life clearly rotates around her presence. That is why I
fear the inevitable. What do you do when you have the experiential knowledge
that life will end? What do you do with this understanding? What do you do when
you try to escape from this, and realize that you will only eventually return
to this. That there is no escape, only temporary forgetfulness or deliberate
denial. What if I were the one to pass away? What would happen to Rara?
perhaps not only my source of hope, but she is hope itself. It is what the anthropologist Michael D. Jackson, while studying
the Kuranko tribe of Sierra Leone, calls on alternative names of hope. Rara is
the alternative name of hope for me. She is what gives value and meaning in my
life. Other issues, I can clearly attest to this, are secondary.
I do though
realize I ask these questions because I am traumatized, greatly traumatized by
my father’s quick and sudden death 5 years ago. And I’ve realized it has been
that long and I have yet to move on from it. I guess I’ve come to accept that
there is no magic cure for grief, no magic drug that can easily lift this
burdensome pain away. You end up just living with it, carrying it everywhere,
every time. During your highest and proudest moments in life, during the lowest,
most depressing moments in life. Both of which amplifies grief. One through the
desire to share your achievements with your loved one, whom you then realize is
no longer here. The other is when you have nothing and wish your dad, who
you realize is no longer here to come back for a brief moment and give you a
pat in the back or a nice simple encouraging warm hug. And let us not also
forget that we carry grief most often in the everyday mundanity of life.
is why grief is excruciatingly oppressive.
But until another excruciating day comes, I’ll be carrying this hope close with
me wherever I go, and whatever I do. My work has to have value and meaning and
for it to have value and meaning it has to come from a place of value and
meaning. I remain hopeful of the world and of Indonesia and humanity in general
because hope is the only thing that keeps us all from being pointless.
And watching the world pass by, at times with elongated sighs, I genuinely understand how easy it is to fall prey to the bottomless pit of futility.
Rereading what I just wrote, that probably didn’t make any sense, but hey at least I finally updated my blog after a year even if it was just unfinished thoughts.
Reader waking up from a cryo sleep expecting the team to be there but wakes up during the fall, having been in a relatio ship with Gabe please? Q.Q
Your body was sluggish and you dragged yourself out of the cryo-pod, hand clasping the edge as the AI chimed in your ear. Taking a heaving breath you clambered across the ground, pulling yourself up as you got at the desk.
“What’s going on,” you said, blinking as you booted up the computer, “There should be someone here.”
As the computer turned on you noticed it couldn’t connect to the Overwatch mainframe. Your eyebrows scrunched together as you opened the message log, seeing if there was anything that got through before it was disconnected.
Your hands began to shake as you read the last message received, stating that it was received three years ago. It wrote in highly technical terms of the shutdown of all Overwatch and Blackwatch operations as it was stated illegal by something called the Petras act.
A list of casualties followed one name, in particular, shining out at you.
A tear slipped out and your chest just ached, having gone to sleep thinking that you would see your boyfriend again only to wake up and find everything was gone.