Stop regretting the past. Stop dwelling on all of the chances you wish you took and the moments when wish you kept quiet. All of the first kisses you were too afraid to lean into, all of the 5 seconds of no-fear that you never had. For whatever reason, you made the choices you made and they’ve shaped you into who you are today. You did what you thought was right. You did what you had to do to make it to where you are today. Don’t look back in sorrow. Do not lament. Simply let it be and look forward into your infinite future. You are doing so great.
“Why couldn’t you ever just choose me? Are you really that scared of me?” I said defensively.
He took a long breath.
I hadn’t thought he was going to respond because he never has when I got like this.
He usually runs.
But the words spilled from his mouth.
“Yes, and I can’t have you because I fuck everything up.
I would love nothing more than to let myself be with you.” He said running his hands through his hair.
“You know I love you.” He said, eyes meeting mine as my breath stilled.
“But I will not hurt you like that.
Because I know I will,
It’s what I do.
You know it and I know it.
I will break your heart.” He told me as he cupped my face and kissed my forehead before turning away and leaving.
I was stunned in that moment.
I wanted to stop him.
But the words were stuck in my throat.
Of all the things I’ve always wanted to say in a moment like this.
I knew this was my one opportunity.
Because he was a runner.
But I couldn’t get past the lump forming.
We never spoke of it again.
But I wish I had told him that,
this already hurts.
but not completely.
Loving him but knowing
that we would never be together.
That this was already breaking my heart.
That I would have risked the pain and heartache,
Just to have a chance together.
You see, at first, I did regret you. I regretted ever giving you that satisfaction of having me so easily. I used to regret ever being so vulnerable for you. I would regret the memories we had created at 2PM as well as the ones at 4AM. Now, I’m just so thankful for you. You taught me that there is nothing wrong with showing a man just how crazy you are for him, it is not my fault you were incapable of loving me back. You taught me my worth. That I should not lose an ounce of sleep, crying over something that is completely out of my hands. You taught me how to love myself enough to let you go. Because of you, I know what I deserve now and I will never settle. You did that. I am forever grateful for you.