regret the past

The Zodiac Signs and Regret

Once it’s over, it’s over: Aries, Sagittarius, Aquarius

They regret things but try their best to move forward: Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Capricorn

The often find themselves dwelling on the past: Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces

Have you ever wanted to erase the past so badly that you’d be okay with losing your memory altogether?
—  another-broken-hello
Honesty hour: Ask me anything and ill be 100% honest, all questions answered.

PUT A NUMBER IN MY ASK!” (all answered q will be permanently posted in my dash)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
4. Are you easy to get along with?
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
15. What good thing happened this summer?
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
19. Do you like bubble baths?
20. Do you like your neighbors?
21. What are you bad habits?
22. Where would you like to travel?
23. Do you have trust issues?
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
26. What do you do when you wake up?
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
30. Do you ever want to get married?
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
33. Spell your name with your chin.
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
40. What do you want to do after high school?
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
43. Do you smile at strangers?
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
46. What are you paranoid about?
47. Have you ever been high?
48. Have you ever been drunk?
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
53. Favourite makeup brand?
54. Favourite store?
55. Favourite blog?
56. Favourite colour?
57. Favourite food?
58. Last thing you ate?
59. First thing you ate this morning?
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
62. Been arrested? For what?
63. Ever been in love?
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
65. Are you hungry right now?
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
67. Facebook or Twitter?
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
69. Are you watching tv right now?
70. Names of your bestfriends?
71. Craving something? What?
72. What colour are your towels?
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
75. Favourite animal?
76. What colour is your underwear?
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
80. What colour pants?
81. Favourite tv show?
82. Favourite movie?
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
87. First person you talked to today?
88. Last person you talked to today?
89. Name a person you hate?
90. Name a person you love?
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
92. In a fight with someone?
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
95. Last movie you watched?
96. Favourite actress?
97. Favourite actor?
98. Do you tan a lot?
99. Have any pets?
100. How are you feeling?
101. Do you type fast?
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
103. Can you spell well?
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
108. What should you be doing?
109. Is something irritating you right now?
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
111. Do you have trust issues?
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
113. What was your childhood nickname?
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
115. Do you play the Wii?
116. Are you listening to music right now?
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
118. Do you like Chinese food?
119. Favourite book?
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
121. Are you mean?
122. Is cheating ever okay?
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
125. Do you believe in true love?
126. Are you currently bored?
127. What makes you happy?
128. Would you change your name?
129. What your zodiac sign?
130. Do you like subway?
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
134. Can you count to one million?
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
137. How tall are you?
138. Curly or Straight hair?
139. Brunette or Blonde?
140. Summer or Winter?
141. Night or Day?
142. Favourite month?
143. Are you a vegetarian?
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
145. Tea or Coffee?
146. Was today a good day?
147. Mars or Snickers?
148. What’s your favourite quote?
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line

if things don’t go your way, keep fighting. keep doing. it’s okay to be sad for a while, but it’s so important to get up again and analyse what went wrong, set up a new plan, and continue working towards your goals. regretting the past isn’t going to help you in the present, there’s nothing you can do now except learn from your mistakes and fight for your dreams.

I had an Experience today folks

I walk into a coworker’s office to get some flyers printed for an upcoming event. As they are being printed at an agonizingly slow pace, she turns to me and asks “Hey Taylor? Are you friends with any artists?” I respond yes, I know some people, what exactly are you looking for? She begins to tell me a story about how she met a student a few years ago who gave her some drawing samples and said she could illustrate a book. This student has 3 jobs and a full coursework load- definitely not enough time to do commissions. 

“But her artwork is so beautiful!” my coworker laments as she takes out a sketchbook the student gave to her years ago. Now, I do not know what I expected to see. What I do know is that I did not expect to see manga-style furry artwork. Like, the exact style you would have seen on Deviantart back in 2009, complete with pencil smudges? Lovingly scanned using a library printer? And a caption that would read “XD Smexi~~~”? Something vaguely like this:

You get the point. Anyways, I smile and ask what her book is about- attempting to hide the fact that I am frantically trying to figure out at exactly what moment I had left the administrative office of the history department of my high-level research university and crossed over into the Twilight Zone. A Twilight Zone where grandmothers in university administrative positions hand you the ghost of deviantart regrets past. She looks me dead in the eyes and says “Fornification. I am going to teach the young people about fornification.”

At this point I’m rapidly losing my grip on reality. But that was okay because she launched into a 45 minute lecture about why she wants to write the book. Her lecture she gives spins a rather confusing web- linking the history of anti-black racism in Europe with Chinese politics in less than a 3 minute span. I am still holding a pencil drawing of a catgirl in my hands. My flyers are still printing. 

I am almost dissociating by the time she tells me she is going to make Christianity the framework of her book. That’s it, I think, I’ve lost it. I grip my keychain, a gift from my boss, in my hand as if it is my last possession from a former life. I am vaguely congnizant of the fact that she asserted that there is not a single person on the planet who does not believe in a god- and those who are not Christians are just afraid of accepting the existence of Jesus. I don’t argue, I am too tired. I am a broken woman already. I am still gripping a catgirl and my keychain. 

She says she wants to teach the young people about all of this so we can all unlock a better future together (with Jesus). She says she know she will be effective because she can see the gears turning and switches flipping in my head. She’s wrong, I’m actually fairly busy astral projecting into the beach scene painting behind her desk. But she wants the illustrations because she wants the book to be fun for the young people to read. 

I tell her she should contact some people in the art department. 

Stop regretting the past. Stop dwelling on all of the chances you wish you took and the moments when wish you kept quiet. All of the first kisses you were too afraid to lean into, all of the 5 seconds of no-fear that you never had. For whatever reason, you made the choices you made and they’ve shaped you into who you are today. You did what you thought was right. You did what you had to do to make it to where you are today. Don’t look back in sorrow. Do not lament. Simply let it be and look forward into your infinite future. You are doing so great.

people should be aware that personality disorders are not like other mental disorders

because they’re maladaptive, they don’t feel at all like impairments until we work out which environments, thought patterns and impulses are responsible. a lot of the time, having a personality disorder just feels a little…off. We know we’re not getting what we want out of life and we know we just don’t seem to relate at all to most people. A lot of us live in regret because of past actions, yet lack the executive function to avoid making the exact same mistakes again, and again, and again. A personality disorder is just like a security blanket. It keeps us safe from a seemingly hostile world by using fear, fury and fantasy. We don’t have the pragmatism to count our breathing when consumed by rage or anxiety. Yoga and a Healthy Diet™ does not permeate enough aspects of life to be totally effective - as soon as we’ve left our bikram class or shuddered down our kale and avocado smoothie (which is light years away from our comfort zone) we immediately regress into our symptoms again when we encounter the next situation. splitting feels cathartic at first to somebody with BPD. approval satisfies the lust of HPD for as long as it lasts. Staying indoors feels calming to a person with AvPD or PPD. Fantasy is the only way a Schizotypal personality can cope with the restrictions and realities of real life. The psychiatric term for these conditions is “ego-syntonic” - we feel numb and disorientated, not better, when we step away from our maladaptive instincts. please be considerate of this and try to assume that we’re doing our best, even when it doesn’t seem that way.

Don’t regret anything. Remember there wasn’t anything else that could have happened, given who you were and the state of the world at that moment. The only thing you can change is the present, so learn from the past.
—  Helen Fielding, Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination
2012!Me V.S 2017!Me
  • 2012!Me: Idk, shipping band members and youtubers is pretty wierd. I mean they are real people. I guess i'll just stick with shipping fictional characters.
  • 2017!Me: *happily ships Phan, Peterick, Joshler, Amyplier, Septiplier, Pewdiecry, Ianthony, GLPaddl, Frerard, Jalex, etc.* WTF happened to me in those 5 years?

I am trying to write a poem about my loneliness
But the page just seems to insist
on staying empty.
But loneliness isn’t emptiness
loneliness is the lead ball in the pit of your stomach
and the feathers tickling the back of your throat
loneliness is the itch you cannot scratch
it’s feeling far too much
far too little.
Loneliness is an all consuming enigma
of the past
of a past
Of a past you’re trying to forget
Of a past you can’t help but regret
Of a past that shoved you into the position
of isolation in which you reside
In which you’re going to die.
And sometimes solitude becomes gratitude
but the demolition of the monuments
that used to be perched on my ribs
left nothing but dust
and I am no longer grateful.

I used to build shrines in my heart to girls who would
never quite love me.
But that was never loneliness.
Unrequited love is a social activity because broken hearts
scream louder than all the wind in the world
howling together.
Despite the rain and miserable weather
I could fill myself up with love even though no one
would ever reciprocate
even though I always had to compensate
by giving more than I had left in me.
I would clutch my chest and rip out pieces of my heart
on which metaphors for love and birds and bones
and sadness and stars
would rest.
I could gift these to those who smiled.
Because nothing cuts into loneliness like affection
or attention
or the smile of someone who has no
reason to.
I suppose I never had a reason to.

I am trying to write a poem about the rain.
They say that people are nothing like rain
nothing like snow
nothing like autumn leaves
because people do not look beautiful when they fall.
A phrase I could never quite wrap my head around.
Because to me falling is dancing
and dancing is writing
and writing is cleaning your body of the toxins
that well up behind your eyes
and hide behind your liver
and pump fluid in your lungs.
What isn’t beautiful is hitting the ground.
The snowflakes will dissolve and the rain
will be absorbed by the greedy earth.
The leaves will rot
and you’ll be taking shots
Until your heart falls out of your chest.

Loneliness is falling
and falling is dancing
and dancing is writing
and I am trying to write a poem about my overwhelming
fear of touching the solid ground.
I am trying to write a poem about falling
Because I reside in free fall
and my heart falls for the snow
and the snow falls for the rain
and the first rule of gravity is everything
must fall
So we fall
And I fall
and you fall.

—  Fall (Emf)