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Cat’s Bedroom Decor Is ‘Off-Putting’ Say Dates

Area cat and self-espoused “ladies’ man” Mr. White lives up to his moniker, according to friends.

“He’s on Tinder all day,” says Robin Seagrim, a friend of Mr. White who keeps close tabs on his dating life. “He’s a handsome guy, I’m not shy about saying so. The girls love him.”

But he runs into trouble when bringing his dates home. “He’s a little – how should I put this – self-absorbed,” says Seagrim. 

Multiple sources have confirmed that Mr. White’s bedroom decor includes a giant throw pillow with his own face on it.

“I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish,” says Seagrim. “But apparently he’s brought home a few dates who are so freaked out by it, they bolt on the spot.”

via @white_coffee_cat_

Dog Rescues Tennis Ball from Crevasse

Oliver, a Golden Retriever from the Boston, MA area, has rescued a family of five tennis balls that had fallen into a crevasse that opened up near his house. 

“The snow has been so bad here this winter that we’re starting to see a massive ice sheet form in the backyard,” said Oliver’s roommate James McCalla. “It’s dangerous out there – you never know where the ice might split open. It’s three feet deep in most places. Sometimes even three and a half.”

According to McCalla, Oliver noticed that tennis balls at the bottom of one crevasse while out on “walkies.”

“He didn’t even hesitate,” said McCalla. “He just dove right in and rescued the balls. He’s a hero, if you ask me. They’d have been out there until spring if not for Ollie.”

Local media is reporting that the tennis balls are now resting comfortably in Oliver’s doggy bed.

Via cturn3r.

Citizens Regret Electing Hardline Cat Leader of Living Room

Residents of the Miller household are regretting last month’s decision to elect Phantom the cat to the position of Living Room President. The cat breezed to a decisive win in the general election against her opponent, the family’s hamster Hemingway, on a platform of more snuggling and and the campaign slogan, “Paws, not claws.”

But according to Miller family members, the cat has failed to deliver on her campaign promises.

“Phanny hasn’t snuggled with me any more than usual,” said eldest daughter Melanie. “She mostly just sits on the high perch she had installed and stares down at her subjects with an icy gaze. It give us all the willies.”

The cat leader has also been destructive. 

“She completely tore up my leather recliner,” said Miller father Tom. “We had a vote about whether to allow that and it passed five to nothing in the family caucus, but she vetoed it and scratched the hell out of the chair anyway! She’s got to go.”

The family is considering a recall vote – or they may just get a dog.

Via pocoldy.

Scientists Discover Happiest Puppy

Twice in the past editors at The Fluffington Post have thought they had discovered the happiest dog on earth: once a year ago and then again four months ago. Not so, say scientists at Sapienza University of Rome, who point to Ellie, whose happiness levels are off the charts.

“Ellie may literally be the happiest dog alive right now,” said researcher Salvatore Magliocco. “Ellie’s showing extremely elevated levels of serotonin and an increased number of endorphins. She’s just really happy, all the time.”

Off the charts happy, according to Magliocco, who says that Ellie’s general mood is unprecedented. When compared to other dogs on record, Ellie is nearly twice as happy by most metrics.

“She never seems sad,” he said. “We’d expect this amount of happiness to come with some manic tendencies, but she’s all peaks, no valleys. This is just one happy dog!”

Via eduardo-suave

Cat Roomies Save Space With Bunk Beds

It may seem a little juvenile, but bunk beds are all the rage for young professionals with a high cost of living. Chester and Conrad share a one-bedroom apartment on New York City’s Lower East Side, but they maximize their space with stackable mattresses.

“There’s no way they could afford a two-bedroom on cat salaries,” says Shelly Tegan, a resident in the same building. “Not in this neighborhood anyway.”

Via Solid_Wife.

Cat Appointed Head Ranger at National Park

After three years toiling as an assistant ranger at Virginia’s Shenandoah National Park, a cat named Buckles has finally ascended the ranks.

“He knew the trails better than the bosses,” says Steven Collier, a fellow assistant. “Not to mention that time he saved a family of campers from a bear.”

The Parks Service formally recognized Buckles in a ceremony Wednesday, where they anointed him Head Ranger. He now oversees a majority of the parkland and manages a team of 50 rangers, scouts and interns.

“This park isn’t what it use to be,” says Colleen Marcher, an administrator at Shenandoah. “I think [Buckles] could really turn this place around.”

Via CarelessKrow.

Trendy Cafe Serves Kitties With Every Cup

A new coffee shop in Sydney, Australia has a signature gimmick that cat lovers will enjoy. Every purchase comes with a purring kitty to keep you company while you sip.

“Cats are proven to calm nerves and create a restful atmosphere,” says Ralphie Hazelip, co-owner of The Purrfect Cup. “That’s exactly the mood we want to create. So far, customers love it.”

Via Brian Costelloe.

Cat Can’t Decide Which Laundry Detergent to Buy

An unidentified cat was spotted in a New York City bodega late Wednesday evening experiencing what the store clerk described as a “panic attack” over laundry detergent.

“He came in and asked where the detergent was,” says Jesus Martinez, who was working behind the counter at the time. “I told him it was on the back wall. Paced back and forth for about an hour, like he couldn’t decide. Next thing I know, he’s curled up in a ball in the aisle. He just couldn’t handle the pressure of choice.”

Via Thegoddamnpatman.

Local Dog Tests Positive for Cute

A local Corgi pup named Smalls has tested positive for cute. Friends suspected something was up with the puppy when he started to get extremely adorable late last week.

“We were really worried,” recounts Susan Wu. “We were sure it was something serious.”

Doctors say that while cute sounds scary, it’s nothing to fear.

“Smalls’ case of cute is most likely chronic,” said family veterinarian Dr. Angus Doubleday. “It’s distracting, but harmless. I think everyone should just enjoy it.”

Via sindy.

Cat Snatches Table Scraps Disguised as Paper Bag

A cat’s clever disguise has paid off in treats. Every Wednesday evening, Lucy dons the guise of a mild-mannered paper bag and waits patiently on the kitchen table. Sure enough, the errant scraps fall within reach. That’s where her patent-pending porthole comes in handy.

“She’ll pop out real quick before anyone notices and just snatch up the tasty morsels,” says a witness who asked to remain anonymous, so as to protect Lucy’s secret. “If she keeps it up, she’s going to outgrow that bag costume.”

Via lickery, by way of Catasters.