reflecting my current feelings

In the interminable interim
Between delirium and the dismay
When you must part ways
And inter the dream
That died when one (or both)
Of you got tired of trying
That period is like the lull
Of sleep, the calm before the storm
Comes to claim what isn’t tied down
Tossing off the dross
And if you have nothing left
Really, is it a huge loss?
—  Some things are meant to end
Freaking time seems stopped, I grow older living like a dead.
I have so many freaking things to do but there’s nothing I want to do.
—  ‘Sober’ - Bigbang
we hold truths under our tongues for fear of how they might break us

Kakasaku Week 2016, Day 1: Salty 

The training grounds of Konohagakure are not unused to conflict, but the raw pain and fury seeping out on currents of chakra from one of the most distant and forested areas is enough to warn off any shinobi with the smallest modicum of sense.

The fight is one a long time in coming, built on old hurts and bitterness and too much left unsaid. Kakashi wishes he’d never let it finally come into being. But Sakura had challenged him to a spar with too much fury running through her veins to accept his attempts at brushing her off. She had pushed and pushed and pushed—something almost a snarl on her face—until he’d given in.

When she’d led him far from their usual training ground, it had only served as confirmation that this wasn’t just about a spar.

Kakashi had known that they were reaching a breaking point. Could feel it with every mission where he issued a command for Sakura to stand down, to pull back, to not engage. He just hadn’t quite been expecting this: Sakura like a poison coated blade in the night, all focused intent and fury, all the more dangerous in the hands of an inexperienced novice. He’d half expected her to cut herself to pieces in her rage, but she’s focused razor-sharp and more deadly than he’s ever seen, than he’s ever expected her capable of being, even in his darkest musings.

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The luxury of being in grad school

The title of this post is exactly the opposite of how I feel right now. I’ve complained and cried so much about the many academic and personal shortcomings I face in a PhD program…. but one of my advisers advised, “think of this time as a luxury.” So I guess I’m writing to try to reframe things. Actively reconsidering my experience as a luxury:

  • an incredibly flexible schedule meant for me to allot my own time to studying whatever I want
  • being able to study whatever I want!
  • the freedom and funding to spend so much of my time just on learning and becoming a better scholar. being paid to have intellectual pursuit and persistence.
  • being part of a prestigious and well-resourced university. while the high expectations can be challenging, they can also promote a lot of personal growth.
  • my “home” department, unlike the interdisciplinary ones I’ve tried to bridge into, is extremely welcoming and collaborative.
  • being a +1 in representation of diverse and underrepresented populations in higher education.
  • experiencing the quarter-life existential crisis in a setting that continues to fund and house me anyway, regardless of how lost I feel. (my performance does not directly reflect on my current ability to pay the bills)
  • …building character through personal hardship. Haha. 

Lately I feel that I’m happy in all other aspects of my life (love, family, friends, hobbies) besides my work (school). It’s been easy to go the route of escapism towards what *does* make me happy, with how difficult the PhD has been for me these 1.3 years. I’ve been told academia is meant to be a rollercoaster, so hopefully focusing on the silver linings will help me get through this major dip.

Dear depression,

at least that’s what I think I should call you. You’re my invisible feeling sitting inside of this chest. Is it loneliness that causes your heart to feel stress? I feel your thoughts struggling to make sense of everything. I’d like to think that you’ve made my hands a little stronger because on the days that letting go sounds easy, I cling on a little harder like I’m afraid of falling into something I can’t stand up from. I haven’t had a bruised knee since first grade, I’d trade your sadness for a scrape or two. Wouldn’t you? I know that I talk to myself sometimes. Does that mean I’m crazy? They say that highly intelligent people talk to themselves, are they crazy too? I don’t know when, I don’t know where you came from. I just know that you’re here. Inside a hollow tree I’ve heard your cries for help. Poured into an empty glass that remains clear. There’s no liquor quite as strong as your worries. I worry a lot now. I guess I got that from my ex. She said I didn’t worry enough, so she left some inside of my back pocket. I read those little notes from time to time, it reminds us to be who we are when the time comes. Sometimes you’re not so invisible, sometimes I can see your smile on my lips. Sometimes you’re very physical, I still taste your tears closing in on my lips. Sometimes you’re in my head and I can’t get you out, does it worry you at all? Because if I’m not here, you wouldn’t exist. Maybe happy people all have a way to deal with their sadness, maybe the sadness makes us want happiness. That must it. I know you’re here when I’d much rather turn my favorite songs off. I know you’re close by when my words don’t sound right. I know you’re lonely because you’d rather hold someone that doesn’t love you than hold no one at all. I guess we’re all a bit deprived of who we are in that sense. I still try to listen to my favorite songs, just in case you’ll decide to change your mind later during the 8 hour shift. I still try to write where I may be experiencing a scrambling of memories. I still draw a smile on my face, just in case you might believe me. I don’t want to be crazy, I want to feel normal. What is normal though? Is it waking up with a smile on your face? Something genuine as a goodbye letter? I think normal means dealing with what’s in front of your face, you’re in my reflection, you’re on my mind, you’re in my chest, you’re my current feelings of gloom and if I somehow never get a chance to bloom, would I still call you my depression? I guess I’d call you something better. Something with a ring. Something we all want, but know we’ll never get. I’ll romanticize you for a bit even if for a second, maybe I’ll feel okay just for this moment. I think I’ll call you–
—  My second chance.

Here’s my comic for the Dirty Diamonds Vol. 8 - Sex;

“It’s Only a Fantasy”

Little bit of history on this comic; when I agreed to be a contributor, I had a different idea from the one you see now. “Sex at 20 vs Sex at 30″ - it was to be light and funny, similar to the work I usually create. Two weeks before submission, while I was still traveling in the Philippines, my personal life was completely turned upside down and I found myself heartbroken (again). I had no idea how I would summon the strength to make this comic. I wanted to quit. Then came a flood of support from the two publishers (Kelly and Claire - you are actual superheroes) - I scrapped my original idea and came up with something to reflect my current feelings. I spent a few days working at the lovely Blue Sky Center in the rural town of New Cuyama and, using an entire notepad of post-its, wrote and re-wrote this story until it accurately captured what was in my heart. Many tears and lots of edits later, this 3-page diddy emerged. A very personal comic to me indeed. My hope is that whomever is reading this can relate and find some comfort here. 

Oh hopeless romantic, you are not alone.

(Please note this comic is NSFW and rated R for sexual content)

The fact that my musical tastes are becoming darker and more sad I think reflects my current state as of late -3-. Haven’t been feeling so good lately, but I’ll get better. Just need time to heal, and I have good friends I have to talk to so.

Life isn’t too bad for me xD.

“Whilst he is of a mischievous nature and is a good sportsman to his foes, he is also highly emotional, being particularly prone to having bouts of disliking everything and everyone around him. ” reflects my current feelings thank you megaman

Big announcement

I had been looking around the internet and I realized that my art style has become really outdated. I think it’s time I change this for the better. As of today I’m updating my style to better reflect the time we are currently in. 

I feel I am ready to show the world what I have been working on.

Thank you for being with me and I hope you enjoy what I have to offer. From now on all of my art will be drawn in the following manner.

I call this piece “Nonon and Samus”

I will also be taking commissions for 1 million dollars.