reddeadvixen

I need to better understand what’s happening to my mind and body when I’m triggered. Because last night what horrible, I’m honestly shocked I didn’t do something impulsive.

I got a really upsetting letter by the State about my car accident that happened last year, and it cost me money I didn’t have and this month has been really rough financially.

I spent half the morning fixing this bullshit and the next thing I knew I was lashing out at my best friend, cancelling my plans, then sitting in my bosses office hyperventilating and sobbing.

All night I had nightmares and panic attacks, I felt everything closing in on me and I wanted to escape and just end it.

I don’t know why this happens. I don’t understand why I can’t separate myself from these bad/uncomfortable situations and realize this is just apart of life. It doesn’t define my life, it doesn’t mean that I’m doomed for the rest of my life, it’s just life.

But for some reason I can’t. I physically cannot digest this.

Instead I start relating everything, feeling every horrible moment I’ve ever lived and seeing it happen again and again and again. Till I’m paralyzed and I’m in so much physical pain I start tightening my muscles and all I want to do is sleep but I can’t.

Am I losing my fucking mind???

Because it feels like it.

How can anyone want to be around this, this all started by an annoying letter from the DMV’s office. The next thing I know I’m fighting suicidal thoughts and impulsively cancelling my birthday plans with my friends because why? Why am I so broken?