John Darnielle, scribbling on a napkin at Red Lobster:
"Take me to church/I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies"... ugh, no. This isn't working. I'll just scrap this one and start over. *crumples up napkin and sets it amongst his discarded shrimp shells*
Hozier, digging through the Red Lobster dumpster for scraps to eat several hours later:
Mmm, these cheddar biscuits are only a little bit sta- wait a minute, what's this?
5/17/17: Day 4 of my low carb journey has gone pretty well. I went to painting with a twist and turned down pizza and red lobster cheddar biscuits and treated myself to some champagne instead. For breakfast I had hard boiled eggs, lunch was my take on a shrimp hand roll and a protein shake, dinner was a cream cheese Mac and cheese made with shiritaki noodles. So far down 2 lbs! Hope to keep it up!
Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would wanna go out with a man your age?
Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Game? What you know about the game, Granddad?
I know the game.
Takin' women out to eat, givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
I know the game. Your granddaddy knows the game.
Game recognize game, Granddad.
I recognize game! Your granddaddy recognize game!
Game recognize game and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I - I can't... Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir?
Listen, if in every universe Ryan and Gavin have the coin debate, then I demand that in every universe Michael, Miles and Kerry fight over Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits vs Olive Garden Breadsticks. I need this, and so do you.
WRITING RESOURSES: SOME CHARACTERIZATION THOUGHTS FOR CHARACTERIZING YOUR CHARACTER
1. what color are your character’s underpants? if your character doesn’t wear underpants, when and why did they turn away from the light of the lord?
2. how does your character’s “that one uncle” feel about the federal reserve?
3. as your character, write a myspace blog entry from 2006
4. what kind of fucked up old person medicine did your character’s grandma always give them instead of candy?
5. is your character a cat person or a dog person or just a regular normal human person?
6. how does your character react to farts? from friends? from strangers? from their own butts?
7. how would your character react if, while they were going through some old photos in a beautiful album in the attic, they found a picture of somebody in a medieval plague doctor mask with a HUMONGOUS boner? somebody with the same belly button tattoo as their dad???
8. celeb crush!!! (1499-1999 celebs only)
9. using the formula 1ST PET’S NAME+3RD STREET LIVED ON+FAVORITE MEAT, what is your character’s soap opera name and favorite meat?
10. freewrite: 500 words on the confrontation between your character and the lady at red lobster who questioned their right to jam 8 cheddar bay biscuits in their pockets for later