anonymous asked:

I hate the ddlg kink, i have my father listed in my phone as daddy and people make fun of me for it. Like bitch im sorry that is my real biological father and i shall call him daddy as i have since i was 2

I hate that kink too man (as u can see by the 2 posts ive made and 1 post i rbed) 

honestly that kink ruined the word daddy for me which is really sad bc there’s a lot of little kids who call their father’s that bc they’re fucking little kids. just the whole kink in general makes me super uncomfortable and i just hate how it fetishsizes things children do.

Our culture really romanticises the idea of a (usually male) brooding misunderstood loner who’s an asshole to everyone but secretly has a heart of gold, so it’s frighteningly easy to meet a guy who treats everyone around him badly and believe without evidence that he has a heart of gold. 

Don’t fall for it.

And a lapse in cruelty is not evidence of kindness.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:
  • Humiliating or embarrassing you.
  • Constant put-downs.
  • Hypercriticism.
  • Refusing to communicate.
  • Ignoring or excluding you.
  • Extramarital affairs.
  • Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
  • Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
  • Unreasonable jealousy.
  • Extreme moodiness.
  • Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
  • Saying “I love you but…”
  • Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
  • Domination and control.
  • Withdrawal of affection.
  • Guilt trips.
  • Making everything your fault.
  • Isolating you from friends and family.
  • Using money to control.
  • Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
  • Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

source

When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical

Some scary controlling people will tell you over and over how important consent is to them. They will tell you that they want to respect your boundaries, and that if anything makes you uncomfortable, they will stop. They will say this over and over, apparently sincerely.

Until you actually say no.

And then, suddenly, they create a reason that it wasn’t ok, after all, and that you’re going to do what they wanted anyway.

They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).

Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)

Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).

Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)

If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong. 

No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal

on being an asshole's exception

So this guy hates EVERYONE… except for you. He’s a broody, arrogant misanthrope who just can’t stand people… except for you. You alone are the special, interesting, unique person worth his time, attention, and respect. Everyone else, as far as he’s concerned, is a tedious waste of time because they just don’t get it. They don’t get him!

Sure, his general misanthropy is kind of a character flaw, but it makes you feel sort of special that someone who hates everyone actually likes you. And maybe you can work on those rough edges! He’s nice to you, and that’s what matters, right?

Don’t buy into it, Jane Eyre. This kind of person may make you the exception for awhile, but why? Sure, you’re interesting and unique and you have a lot to offer, but so do some of the people he summarily dismisses. What’s the difference between you and them?

When someone is an asshole to literally everyone but you, he’s not an interesting, brooding soul. He’s an asshole. He wants something from you, so he’s willing to bend a little; he doesn’t think it’s worthwhile to show respect or courtesy to anyone he doesn’t want something from. And all that arrogance doesn’t mean he actually has anything to be arrogant about.

Don’t settle for someone with the personality of a rotten fish. You’re not being let into some exclusive club; you’ve just met an asshole who wants something from you. Pay attention to how a potential partner treats people he doesn’t have to be nice to. It’s a pretty important clue to whether he’s fit company for human beings.

Good Love vs. Bad Love

Being in a relationship can either be really fun or extremely stressful. It’s important to be able to tell the difference between healthy actions and unhealthy actions. You and your partner should be on a level where you are comfortable with each other emotionally and physically. 

Read below to see if you are in a healthy relationship or not.

You have been a victim of sexual assault, sexual abuse, domestic violence (emotional and/or physical), or rape, etc. You decide to tell your partner about your experiences.

Healthy: They give you their undivided attention and listen to what you have to say. They comfort you and make you feel safe and comfortable. 

Unhealthy: They pepper you with unnecessary questions such as (but not limited to), “Well what were you wearing?” and “Why didn’t you stop it?”. They blame you, don’t pay attention to your words, and/or insult you.

You and your partner connect really well on an emotional level, but you would still like to take things slow physically. So, you let them know this.

Healthy: “Okay, sure, no problem! We won’t do anything until you’re ready.”

Unhealthy:Come on, can’t we fool around just a little?? Please?”  or “Well you promised me that we would have sex, what’s the problem?”

You and your partner connect on a physical level, but not on an emotional level. Sometimes, you need space to be by yourself, so you decide to tell your partner.

Healthy: “I understand. Just know that if you need me, I’m here for you.”

Unhealthy: “But you’re supposed to tell me everything.” or “I thought you loved me. Why would you want to be alone?" 

You are in the middle of having sex, but you have a flashback and you would like to stop.

Healthy: You stop having sex immediately and your partner checks to make sure you’re okay.

Unhealthy: Your partner coerces you to continue and/or continues even though you said stop.

You just spent an entire weekend hanging out with your partner. While it was fun, you also miss your friends and you want to let your partner know that next weekend, you’ll be hanging out with your friends.

Healthy: They understand completely and realize that you are a person free to do whatever the hell you want.

Unhealthy: They get mad at you for wanting to spend time with other people.

You are going out with friends, and your partner sees the outfit you are going to wear for the night.

Healthy: They say nothing and compliment you because you look fucking fantastic.

Unhealthy: They make you change your clothes.

Keep reading

"I would never abuse anyone!"

This kind of conversation is a major red flag:

  • Bob: I’m going to go to the mall.
  • Stan: Don’t go to the mall. I want you to stay home.
  • Bob: Um, why not? I need new trousers.
  • Stan: Why are you taking that tone?! Are you saying I’m abusive? You wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t abusive, so you must think I’m abusing you. I’d never abuse anyone! How dare you?!

Another version:

  • Bob: Could you not make jokes about my weight? It makes me feel bad.
  • Stan: I would never do anything to hurt you! How dare you call this bullying!

It’s especially bad when:

  • It happens every time Stan and Bob want different things.
  • Because it gets to the point where it’s impossible for Bob to say no without accusing Stan of being abusive
  • Or where Bob can’t express a preference that conflicts with Stan’s. 
  • This means that Bob has to always do what Stan wants, or else call Stan a bad person
  • This is an awful way to live

In a mutually respectful relationship:

  • People want different things from time to time
  • People hurt each other in minor ways
  • People make mistakes, and need to be told about them
  • Everyone understands this, and can accept that their friend/partner/whatever wants something different, or is upset about something they did
  • They understand that wanting different things, or being upset about something, is not an accusation of abuse.

If someone close to you claims that you’re accusing them of being abusive every time you have a conflict with them, they probably are, in fact, being abusive.

Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize. Victims are confused and unsure of themselves. They wonder if they’re just overreacting and making a big deal out of something small. The abuser reinforces these feelings and blames their actions on anger, or blame the victim for making them act that way; or worse they say it’s okay when they do it because they’re not trying to be abusive. All of these are excuses. It’s never okay to abuse another person. Yes people can have toxic behaviors they aren’t aware of but they’ll change those behaviors when they’re pointed out. Not say they can’t control themselves when they’re angry. That’s nothing more than a cop out to avoid responsibility for one’s actions.
—  Anonymous

Signs that a relationship may be abusive

  • a big age difference, ESPECIALLY if one person is under 18 and the other is an adult (power imbalance)
  • one person is an authority figure over the other (boss, teacher, coach, youth group leader, professor, etc.)
  • Your partner does things that you’re afraid to tell your friends or family about because they “wouldn’t understand” that your partner’s “really/usually not that bad”.
  • Things are great except when they’re absolutely terrible, and you have to really focus on how great it is when they’re sweet, because in the meantime they’re hurting or scaring you and making you feel like crap.
  • Doesn’t respect it when you say “no” and tries to argue or force you to do or accept things you don’t want to do or accept. (even trivial things count)
  • Your partner goes through your phone, email, purse, or belongings without permission
  • Constantly putting you down or criticising you for everything
  • Deliberately embarrasses you in front of your family or friends
  • Extreme jealousy, possessiveness or insecurity
  • Explosive temper
  • Isolating you from family or friends
  • They act like literally everything that goes wrong in your relationship is your fault, even the bad things they do
  • Making false accusations, especially about lying or cheating on them
  • Mood swings/big changes in how they treat you
  • Pressuring or forcing you to have sex (if you don’t actually want to have sex but feel like you have to, that is RAPE.)
  • Blames you for the times they hurt you (I couldn’t help it, you shouldn’t have done x, it’s your fault)
  • Acts really sweet after a big fight and promises it will never happen again, but it does
  • Tries to control things that should be your choice, like what to eat or wear, who to hang out with or where to go
  • When you call them on bad behaviour or ask them not to do something, they get really angry and it turns into a big fight
  • They tell you that no one else could love you like they do or that you’d never find another relationship
  • Breaks things that belong to you, hurts animals, or punches the wall when angry
  • Hurts you when angry – grabbing you so hard it hurts, shoving, hitting, biting, slapping, kicking, punching, or slamming you against the wall.
  • Touching you sexually when you’re asleep, drunk, or passed out (this is sexual assault or rape, because you weren’t conscious enough to give consent)
  • Threatens to commit suicide, hurt themselves, or hurt someone else if you leave them
  • Makes vague or specific threats about doing something bad to you
  • Makes you feel worthless or like you don’t deserve to be loved
  • Tampers with contraception/birth control
  • Brings up your mental health every time there’s a disagreement
  • Brings up hurtful things others have done to you during fights, as a way of saying that you are the reason other people hurt you
  • Humiliates you or belittles you for being bad at sex or being a bad romantic partner

More info on abuse can be found here:
Abusive Relationship Checklist
Is This Abuse?
The Controlling Partner: Warning Signs of Verbal and Physical Abuse
But I Would Never Abuse Anyone
When Your Right to Say No Is Entirely Hypothetical
Good Love vs. Bad Love

Other signs of a bad relationship:

  • doesn’t seem to care whether or not you’re interested in their advances; they do what they want with you without checking to see if you’re interested
  • often refocuses the conversation to sex or your appearance, instead of engaging with you on nonsexual topics. (objectification)
  • Talks over you, ignores you, or acts dismissive of what you’re saying (lack of respect)
  • is in a relationship with someone else, and the other person isn’t aware of their relationship with you
  • Uses slurs, especially although not exclusively ones that are meant to describe YOUR race, gender, orientation, etc. (even jokingly)
  • If you’re meeting someone you met online, them not being comfortable with meeting in a public place with someone else knowing about it
  • Says you’re cute when you’re mad (ignoring your feelings and not listening to you)
  • gives you the silent treatment when they’re mad at you (different from needing space because they don’t talk to you about it, just start ignoring you and if you bring it up they might say they’re NOT ignoring you)
  • Is interested in you because of your race (check out FuckNoFetishization) or because you’re trans, fat, etc., instead of seeing those factors as just part of who you are and being attracted to you for a variety of reasons (fetishization, objectification)
  • Says you’re “rambling” when you talk about something important to you
  • Laughs at you when you’re hurt, sad, or afraid
  • Doesn’t share your core beliefs about what’s most important to you in life
  • You don’t really have much to talk about except sex or how much you like each other
  • Doesn’t respect your gender identity or sexuality (says you’re “not really” what you say your identity is or laughs at you for it)
  • Doesn’t want to meet other important people in your life or doesn’t want you to meet important people in their life
  • Doesn’t take your needs or desires into consideration when making decisions that affect you
  • Doesn’t abide by agreements that both of you made, like specific plans or agreements about monogamy
  • Sex-shames you, or anyone else
  • Tries to pressure you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with after you’ve said no (not just sexual stuff)
  • Is rude to service staff, children, or other people who can’t really do anything about it
  • is rude to strangers
  • Doesn’t seem to have time for the kind of relationship you’d like to have with them
  • Tries to make things serious too fast, too soon for your comfort zone
  • doesn’t think you’re awesome
  • guilt trips you a lot
Ideological predators

Content note: This post is about adults exploiting teenagers on the internet for validation. It’s about the ideological form; not the sexual form, but a lot of the underlying logic is similar. This is likely to be a difficult post for anyone who has an emotional connection to this issue.

Some some predators use vulnerable people as validation objects to make their  flawed ideologies feel true. This can happen between people of any age, but it’s particularly common for adult predators to do this to teenage victims they meet online. Adults with bad ideas manipulate teenagers into praising them. They offer false respect to teenagers who are starved for respectful adult attention. They make teenagers depend on them emotionally in completely inappropriate ways. Then they lash out when the teenagers start to notice flaws in their ideas. Teenagers can get hurt very, very badly by this.

From a teenage perspective, relationships with ideological predators can feel really good at first before the predator starts lashing out. As a teenager, you’re often at the beginning of noticing that there’s a lot wrong with the world, and that you and others have the power to make it much better. But seeing yourself as powerful enough to change the world isn’t the same as knowing how to do it. Changing the world is hard work that requires skills that are difficult to acquire. It also requires connections with others doing the same work, which can be really hard to build for teenagers without much control over their lives. And teenagers who want to make the world better are often surrounded by adults who think their desire to do so is cute, and certainly not something to take seriously. (And who may not be taking the teenager seriously on any level). That’s degrading, and very, very hard to cope with.

And then a predator shows up online. At first, they’re this really interesting adult who at first seems to take you much more seriously than anyone else does. Their ideas seem amazing, and they seem to be opening all kinds of possibilities for making the world better. They’re willing to spend endless hours talking to you. They listen to you when you are sad and lonely, and they tell you that you’re amazing and brilliant and that you deserve so much more respect than anyone is giving you. It feels really good to be exposed to an exciting new idea, and it feels even better when it’s coming in the form of conversations with an apparently experienced person you respect. And, support from an experienced person who really does respect you is an amazing thing. Sometimes teenagers get the real form of this online. And sometimes, a predator fakes respect in ways that end very, very poorly.

An emotional relationship with a predator falls apart at some point, because their ideas aren’t actually very good, and their respect for you wasn’t real. It turns out, they weren’t listening to you, they were using you as a mirror. They didn’t want respect and conversation, they wanted you to admire them. When you start noticing flaws in their bad ideas, you stop being useful as a mirror, and they stop wanting to support you. All the vulnerabilities you shared with them turn into weapons they wield against you. It’s excruciating, and it can be very, very hard to recover from.

Teenagers deserve to have adults in their lives who respect them and spend time talking to them about the world. Ideally, this should happen both on and offline. Ideological predators who want validation seek out teenagers who aren’t getting real respect from adults, and seduce them with fake respect. This shouldn’t happen to anyone, ever, but it’s unfortunately really common. (It’s not just teenagers this happens to, but teenagers are often particularly vulnerable because teenagers are often both very isolated and inexperienced with evaluating the merits of ideologies, political views, and effective approaches to activism.)

One of the most important red flags for ideological exploitation is: Do they respect your right to consider other perspectives, or do they want you to believe everything they say without question? 

Nobody is right about everything; it is never reasonable for someone to want you to believe their ideas without question. You have the right to think for yourself. It is never ok for someone to be mean to you for asking questions or for reading about other perspectives. (Even if they’re right and the other perspective you’re reading is a dangerously bad idea that has hurt them personally.) No one has to be willing to talk to you about everything; they do need to respect your right to think for yourself. If someone is trying to persuade you to agree with them, they should expect that you will want to think about it and ask questions. That’s how conversations work when you are explaining something.

No one is the boss of your reading or your other media consumption. You get to decide what you want to read (and what you don’t want to read, and you don’t have to justify your reading choices to anyone. It’s a red flag if an adult tries to monitor your reading or aggressively tells you not to read people they disagree with. Or if they try to dictate who you are and aren’t allowed to talk to.
It’s also a bad sign if they refuse to explain to you why they disagree with a particular position, especially if they’re encouraging you to see them as a mentor. “Why do you think that?” and “What’s wrong with that?” or “Why is that idea harmful?” or “Why is this important?” are reasonable questions, and it’s not ok if they lash out at you for sincerely wanting to know.

(Even if they regularly get asked that question insincerely as a form of harassment, they still shouldn’t lash out at you. You aren’t doing that. You’re asking a question because you want to understand. It’s not your fault that mean people do something superficially similar. If they’ve spent hours and hours talking to you and saying how insightful you are, then they know you well enough to trust your sincerity. It’s not ok if everything they know about you suddenly flies out the window when you ask an uncomfortable question. Also, if they’re presenting themselves as a mentor figure and want you to trust them in that role, then it *is* their job to educate you, and part of educating people is answering their sincere questions respectfully.)

Which is related to another sign to watch out for — trustworthy people with good ideas are able to disagree with others respectfully. If someone is only willing to talk about ideas they agree with and ideas they have withering contempt for, that’s a really bad sign. Reasonable people have some positions they disagree with respectfully, and they also know that people can mistakenly be attracted to bad ideas for good reasons. No one has to be willing to respect all ideas or treat all positions as honorable; everyone has to be able to tolerate *some* disagreement respectfully. Reasonable people know that they’re not right about everything, and that sometimes they will find that people they initially disagreed with had a point.

If they can’t tolerate disagreement with anyone else, what they’re feeling for you is probably not real respect. They’re probably using you as a mirror; expecting you to reflect everything they say back to them, using your sincerity and enthusiasm to make it sound true and important. But you’re not a mirror; you’re a person. Even if everything they’re saying to you right now sounds amazingly true; eventually you will disagree with them about something you both care about. (No one is right 100% of the time, and it is normal for people who care about things to have some degree of disagreement.) Their talk about how insightful and wonderful you are will very, very likely melt away when you stop agreeing with them about everything. If they could tolerate disagreement, they’d be tolerating it from other people too.

Tl;dr Some adult predators use teenagers as ideological validation objects. They offer false respect to teenagers who are hungry for genuine respect from adults. The teenage victims are expected to become mirrors, enthusiastically reflecting back whatever the adult says, making it sound true and wise. Inevitably, eventually teenagers figure out that the adult isn’t 100% right about everything, and they start questioning their ideology. The adult predator then lashes out, and withdraws all of their false respect, leaving the teenager they have isolated to pick up the pieces. This is a horrible an inexcusable thing to do to someone. People have the right to think for themselves, and to ask questions. Adults who take it upon themselves to teach teenagers about the world have a particularly strong obligation to support them in thinking for themselves. If someone effusively praises you at first and then lashes out at you for questioning them or disagreeing, something is really wrong. It’s not your fault, and you’re not alone. People should not treat you that way.

I feel like almost all of the guys who’ve had an unreciprocated thing for me developed it because I listened to them and was emotionally supportive, etc., but they themselves never thought to do the same for me. Which ended up with this weird situation where I knew them super well but they literally had zero idea about who I was as a person other than “listens really well and is emotionally supportive.”

Like, they didn’t know the first thing about what was important to me, my beliefs, my family, my work, how I spent my time when I wasn’t with them. Because not a single one of them wanted  to know. They would just… never ask, or they’d ask politely and when I started to answer they’d show extreme disinterest and change the subject back to themselves.

But they still thought they loved me, because to them that’s all love is - being emotionally supported by someone. It did not even occur to them that the support could ever go both ways, and they were always bewildered about why I never loved them “back” - even though all they gave me to love was a person so self-obsessed that he couldn’t see me at all.

Emotional labour is so, so important to be aware of in relationships. It has to have some kind of balance, or the person performing it will just burn out. And a relationship consisting only of one person demanding and demanding and never giving back is not love. Love is not a demand. It can accept, and it can ask, but love listens, love cares about how its requests affect the beloved. Love wants to give back.

Some Red Flags to look out for in Autism Organisations/Services/Groups

This isn’t anywhere near all the red flags to look out for, but it is a list of some of the more common ones. 

1) Puzzle pieces - Either as part of the logo, the website design, on items they sell, puzzle ribbons, etc…

2) Any mention of practising or supporting ABA therapy

3) Therapy hours that are anywhere around 30 hours or more per week 

4) Any mention on their site of supporting Autism Speaks and/or similar harmful organisations

5) Supporting the search for a ‘cure’ for autism/arguments that vaccines or some other outside influence causes autism

6) Being supported by Autism Speaks on their site (they have a resource guide that lists organisations Autism Speaks likes in each state)

Beware of folks who trigger others on purpose

There are people who like other people to be intensely emotionally dependent on them. They like to control people through this emotional dependence. And they like to think of this control and forced dependence as understanding the target on a deep level, rescuing them, and helping them to heal.

One way this happens is that the controller will deliberately trigger the target over and over. And then get really good at triggering them and then comforting them. And this can – in the short term, make the target feel safe and understood. Because having someone react in a way that feels comforting when you’re triggered can be really reassuring, especially when people have reacted with fear or contempt in the past.

And it can be really hard to figure out that someone is intentionally and repeatedly triggering you. It can be *especially* hard to realize they’re doing this if they also have some actual insight about the issues you’re struggling with. And it can also be harder to understand what’s going on if they’re also supporting you in other ways, like offering a place to stay or help finding a job.

And the longer this goes on, the more they know about you. And the more they know, the more power they have to trigger you at will. And when you show independence, or do something they don’t want, or do something on your own initiative rather than relying on their help, or say no to help they’re offering – then they don’t react reasonably. They use your triggers to disorient you. They convince you that you don’t really understand anything that’s going on, and that you are just reacting to past traumas. And that in order to approximate being a real person, you have to rely on their judgement rather than yours.

A wide range of people do this. Sometimes it’s a friend. Sometimes it’s a licensed therapist with a good professional reputation. Someone’s it’s a coworker. Sometimes it’s a social worker. Sometimes it’s a partner. It can arise out of a lot of different kinds of relationships. It’s always wrong, no matter what someone thinks their intentions are.

And it’s not your fault. If you’re in that situation, someone’s probably got you half-convinced that this is only happening because you’re broken and need help. But that’s not what’s going on; this is something someone is doing to you, not something that inherently happens to people like you. No one, no matter what problems they have, should ever be treated like this.