recovery,

Don't feel bad for caring about you!
  • You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members.
  • You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.
  • You are allowed to be angry, selfish and unforgiving.
  • You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself!!

I remember that when I was 8 I had dinner at a friend’s house with both of our families. Her mum put some peanuts and cashews on the table as appetizers. I had never eaten cashews before and they tasted like heaven. I asked my friend what was their name and she was surprised I didn’t know. Then she told me “they’re yummy but each cashew becomes 2 centimeters on your butt” and laughed. Then I laughed as well and ate on, but “cashew” became a bad word in my head. Cash=fat. It was the first and last time I had cashews.

This morning I ate cashews (and an apple). No, my butt is not larger. No, it’s not going to be larger in a few days. No, cashews don’t make people’s butts larger. Cashews make people happier because they’re fucking yummy and from today I’m going to eat cashews every time I crave them.

Cashews don’t ruin lives.
Eating disorders do.

Therapy 27.09.16 // session extract

T: Your feelings were valid in the situation. Your feelings were what they were. You were doing the best you could in a situation that you didn’t have the tools to cope with at the time. That’s not your fault that you didn’t have the tools. You can have compassion on your past self in that situation, instead of keep beating yourself up over it….. hmm does that feel frustrating when I say that?

Me: uh….maybe….

T: it makes you feel frustrated when I give you a reason to stop punishing yourself?….. Have I stumbled on something there?

Me: I don’t know….. I think it’s more that I’m over here in my position ‘I was stupid and reacted stupidly and there’s something wrong with me’ and I can logically see you over there in your position ‘you did the best you could at the time and it’s not your fault that it was difficult so it’s ok to stop beating yourself up over it’ and what’s frustrating is that I don’t know how to get from here to there.

T: *looks at clock and smiles* well that’s something we can think about next week.

T: *looks at me and smiles* you know….you are doing really well. I’m really proud of the progress you are making.

Me: 😊 *warm fuzzies*

Thank You

I just want to thank everyone who has followed me. I know it isn’t a huge number, but it means so so much to me. I love to help people, I love making people feel loved, and I love communicating with you guys. At the end of the day, we are all just people wanting to improve how we view ourselves and the world around us. We all just want to feel loved and like we matter. And we do matter. We are loved. Thanks so much again. I hope you’re all doing well and your day has been going great and if it isn’t, I hope it turns out to be an amazing day for you all.

Wonderful and strange morning already. There’s a family in my court that used together, had a child, came into our court together, got sober together, and got their child back together. They’re going to be graduating and their case dismissing next week.

But…an email came out this morning: they’ll also be getting married in our court that day, too. I cry at graduations, but I’m gonna be a sodden glittery mess by the time that graduation and wedding is over. (BTW, mom’s request in the email is I have a full glitter beard that day. You bet. I’d be painted in rainbows if I could.)

There is still some time to start again. There is still some time for love to find you. It’s not too late. You’re not alone. It’s okay –whatever you need and however long it takes- its okay. It’s okay. If you feel too much, there’s still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time
—   Jamie Tworkowski, If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For

I am a huge selfie fan for one main reason - I am in control! I can take 20 photos in an attempt to get one really good one. I can control the angle of my face, I can see the image that will be captured, I can adjust to make something look thinner/fuller/smaller/better but who decides on all this?
Here is a photo my sister just took. One of four, all of which I hate. My head is massive, my face is chubby, I hate the squareness my smile creates: I could go on, but I don’t want to focus on that. Who’s the one that drummed it into our heads that chubby is bad? That a wonky smile is imperfect, that a naked face is inferior to a made up face? I know for a fact that my features are enhanced when I wear make up; my eyes instantly become bigger and my skin can be smoothed and blemishes hidden. I do look different, but that’s not to say I don’t look good fresh faced. It may not be conventional beauty, but it’s beauty all the same.
We all have parts of our bodies we don’t necessarily like or would like to change and instead of beating ourselves up why don’t we do something radical and accept it? Okay. I have qualms about my face, and I dislike the size of my thighs etc. And that’s okay. I’m allowed to because it really is normal. But it’s also important to recognise that my thighs allow me to run. They support me and carry me and I am improving all the time (when I fuel myself properly!!!) My smile is wonky, but at least I can smile and more importantly have cause to smile!
It’s time we are truly able to celebrate our bodies warts and all. Enough of this quest for perfection or conforming to ideal beauty standards. I am sick of berating myself over my appearance because I am so much more than that. My body is simply a vessel for my soul, created to allow me to physically live and exist. My brain and my thoughts and feelings are what matters. It’s my actions and reactions that count. My body just allows me to do that, and to be honest, so far she’s done a great job at surviving. No more fighting, it’s time to cooperate, to celebrate, to congratulate.
Who’s with me? 😉

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