recovery victory

The brain does weird things when you deprive it of food.

And I don’t mean just calorically. Even if you’re eating 2000, 3000 calories a day in recovery, if they’re all safe, you’re still going to be obsessed with food and what you “can’t” have.

(AKA a friendly reminder to challenge yourself today.)

Ahem.

That, my friends, is what we call an achievement. It’s my absolute childhood favourite: Nana’s Mac and Cheese *u*

I saw just how much cheese and milk and butter goes into it and guess what? I didn’t give a shit. All that mattered is how delicious it was. I had all of this AND finished off loads of Nana’s portion too! Can I get a freakin round of applause??

Advent Recovery Challenge Day 11 - Surprise cake!

Today was my last class before christmas, so naturally this called for a surprise party!

I was taken aback when a chocolate log was brought out..but I soon came to my senses and showed those negative thoughts who’s boss! And guess who got the big end slice with the extra chocolate? ;) 

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Look at what I did today!
It’s my lovely grans birthday, so we took her on a road trip to a rather cutesy fancy tearoom for afternoon tea! Last year we came here and I didn’t touch the stand and felt really sad about it….this year I returned and I could definitely see the improvement!!! These are just two of the plates I had with treats from each level and it was all absolutely delicious!

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Banana and peanut butter porridge DEFEATED! A long and delicious battle is won and this amazing combination shall fuel my body and my mind allll morning! Doesn’t mean i have to neglect a little morning snack later on though ;)

Go on, face a fear food today- you’re strong, you’re beautiful, and you deserve that deliciousness!! You won’t regret it!

So I only had a small breakfast and then a granola bar half way through school, so when I got home I was weak and tired. But I did not give up; I had a handful of cashews, and then made myself a banana and almond butter smoothie with coconut milk and vanilla nutrition powder!! I’m so proud of myself. Then I took a nap before work, now here I am feeling very well rested

This is really important. So as I’m sure a lot of you guys know, it’s kind of frowned upon for people in recovery to become vegan since usually it’s a way of adopting a socially-approved restrictive diet. I was super conscious of this but knew I was doing it for the right reasons since I had to give up a lot of healthier, lower-calorie foods to go vegan (coconut yogurt vs greek yogurt, soy cheese vs real cheese, froyo vs sorbet, etc.) Anyways, I was at Target a couple weeks ago and I saw these limited edition cinnamon vanilla english muffins. They smelled sooo good and I really wanted to try them— then I looked and saw they had dehydrated cream cheese. So I put them back. Afterwards, when I was being honest with myself, I realized I used the fact that they weren’t vegan as an excuse for not challenging myself. In other words, my ED was taking advantage of my veganism.
Last night, I bought them.

I’m still following a vegan diet, but I firmly believe mental health comes first. That’s why I needed to eat these. I understand if I lose followers over this, but I’m really proud of myself.
Rock solid.

I just wanna put it on record that I am really proud of myself, my recovery, and how well I am handling the numerous stressful things in my life right now. 

I am beginning to feel like my recovery, my life, ME - all is rock solid. I am rock solid.

I have my bad days. I cry, I get anxious, I feel hopeless. I feel stressed. I don’t sleep well many days. There is a lot up in the air right now for me career wise and location wise that makes me feel insecure and uncertain. The wedding is giving me a lot of bodily anxiety that I’d rather not be dealing with. But I never give up and I never stop working toward what I want. And I’ve realized there is nobody or nothing in my life that will be powerful enough to tear down the foundation I’ve worked for all these years for. Not my boss, not my enemies, not my family, not me, and CERTAINLY not my ED. No, my eating disorder will never be allowed to have that kind of power and influence in my life - never again. 

Once a broken girl, I am finally whole, healed, and real. Every day. 

I want it for you too. Every one of you. And I believe you can do it, I really do.