recovery is worth it

while my heart beats,
i live.
even if my ribs
are the only ones
to hear it.

while my heart beats,
i am enough.
even if i
am the only one
to know it.

-a.p. (8.29.16)

On "not being sick enough"

If you’re trying to “get sicker” before choosing recovery, then you are giving into your ED.

Your ED says you need validation to recover.
Your ED says you’re not sick enough.
Your ED says you aren’t even sick.

But the whole point of recovery is to stop listening to your ED.

If you wait until you’re ED says “okay you can recover now,” you’re waiting for the impossible. And even if that day DID come, you can’t just listen to your ED and expect to find a full recovery. It just doesn’t work that way. Recovery is uncomfortable. Recovery is hard. Recovery is worth it.

At the end of the day you’ve got to challenge the ED. There’s no better time than the present.

You can’t expect recovery to be easy.
It’s not.
Matter of fact, it’s like hell at first.
Crying about everything, it’s literally another battle.
You don’t know how to be normal, you constantly feel like giving up, hell, you don’t even know what you’re doing there.
You at first, won’t see any signs of progress, and slowly begin to go back to your old ways.
But recovery is life, literally.
Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger.
Nothing about recovering is easy, but you as a fighter , just grow to be stronger.
This battle is not one that you can simply just give up on.
If you haven’t given up on life, don’t give up on recovery.
You don’t know your worth today, but that will go sky high the minute you beat whatever you’re going through.
No one can take that personal victory away from you.
You were put onto earth for a reason,
And one of them is to fight for what you need to be happy.
You deserve happiness, and you also deserve to win.
—  Emily Ram

I asked my mom to take this photo of me. I was terrified to even go inside dairy queen, but this is me leaving. Leaving with my pre eating disorder favorite, a vanilla cone with sprinkles. The smile on my face is genuine and even though it seems like such a small feat I’ve never felt so free. I know I say it all the time and sometimes I have a hard time believing it but recovery is SO worth it 🍦😊

The brain does weird things when you deprive it of food.

And I don’t mean just calorically. Even if you’re eating 2000, 3000 calories a day in recovery, if they’re all safe, you’re still going to be obsessed with food and what you “can’t” have.

(AKA a friendly reminder to challenge yourself today.)

‘You realise life sucks when you’re lying in bed, drifting in and out of conscious whilst your mind randomly flicks through old memories that resurface and give you a panic attack’ - Sept 2013

'I just can’t do this anymore’ - Sept 2013

'Sometimes even music doesn’t help.’ - July 2014

'Today I realised that I don’t care. I’m going to block out all negativity and cut off toxic people. Today I realised that I may be another person on this very small planet in a very big universe but that doesn’t mean that I’m insignificant. Today I realised that I am made of the same atoms that all of the stars and galaxies are made of. Today I realised that I want nothing more than to be happy with who I am. I am not another statistic. I matter. I am important. Today I realised that as long as I enjoy something, I’m going to fucking do it.’ - August 2014

'I still have down days but the funny thing is I know I’ll be fine at some point’ - November 2014

'I’m happy.’ - June 2015

'He is cute. Life is good’ - July 2015

—  Extracts from my diary, from the time that anorexia and depression had a huge grip on my life to now. Please choose recovery, I promise you it is worth it.
Smart girls are the over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much, they trust less people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Smart girls know their worth, now that’s the ones worth keeping by your side.