recovery is a process

abrilmazziotti asked:

Hello! If you're still accepting Fiddlauthor prompts, here have one: Stan waiting for Fidds at the airport after he went on a trip and not seeing each other for months ^_^

 Yesss I love this promp so much you have no idea!! <3

This takes place when they are already in an established relationship and living together in Gravity Falls. Hope you like it!

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The brain does weird things when you deprive it of food.

And I don’t mean just calorically. Even if you’re eating 2000, 3000 calories a day in recovery, if they’re all safe, you’re still going to be obsessed with food and what you “can’t” have.

(AKA a friendly reminder to challenge yourself today.)

Well it’s almost been four months being Eating Disorder behavior clean. The first picture is over the summer (I think that’s when I was at my lowest) and the second picture is when I got out of treatment and I started to gain weight!
These past few weeks I’ve had so many people come up to me or message me telling me that I’m an inspiration to them and that seeing me recover motivates them to get well. When I was told that I was an inspiration, I began to cry. Not sad tears but happy tears. Because I would be where I am today. I never thought that I could be someone’s inspiration. I remember when I was extremely ill and looking up to people who were in recovery. Everyone who has talked to me or messaged me telling me that they’re proud of me, thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me. I felt so alone before but now I am surrounded by people that care about me and love me. If you are struggling with an eating disorder or if you just need someone to talk to, I’m always here. I’m learning that 
self-love is loving yourself even when you feel that you have nothing left, it’s loving yourself even on your worst days and it’s realizing that you are important and you have so much to live for.
If anyone asked me 4 months ago if I loved myself I would’ve said no fucking way. I could never love myself. Some people go their whole entire lives hating themselves and it’s so sad because, loving yourself is the foundation of everything. My eating disorder controlled my life since I was in the 7th grade. Last year it was so serious I thought I would die before I would recover. I was destroying my body for a piece of mind that I never got. I was so scared about gaining weight but I learned to love this ocean of a body because I taught myself how to swim, no matter how many times the water seeped into my lungs I spat it out and I continued to swim because I knew that I needed to recover. For me. For the ones that love me. I can’t believe that I went from covering up the mirror with blankets every time I looked into them and balling my eyes out, but now I love myself. I love myself more than anyone could ever love me.
I continue to better myself everyday, for me, my loved ones, and my future. Recovery is the hardest change I ever made but I am so happy with my the change and the I have person that I’ve become. Thank you to all the people that have supported me throughout my journey, you guys are a huge part of why I’m able to say I’m 4 months eating disorder clean.
If you or anyone out there is struggling with an eating disorder, there is help. Help is here. Please… Don’t hesitate to ask for help. No one will judge you. Silence is the most deadly symptom of an eating disorder. Speak up. If you need to talk to someone, or even just vent please feel free to message me at anytime. Or please call the NEDA(national Eating Disorder Association) at 800-931-2237 (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org)
Be gentle with yourself. There is hope.
Again, thank you to everyone who has supported me through my journey, I appreciate and love you all so much.
I will always fight my disease and feed my body not feed my disease and fight my body.

Recovery has been a journey I never thought I would start much less be this far into. Technically, I am a fully recovered anorexic. I was discharged from outpatient care in January of 2014 after about a year and a half of therapy and counselling (both one on one and group). I still struggle with things from time to time, but I have so much control now. I have a self confidence and a happiness that I’ve never had before. I’ve found a love for myself, a care for myself, and I’ve practiced it and pursued it every single day. I’ve fought through tough times, and I’m finally getting healthy again. I just recently lost 15lbs for the first time in a healthy way! I haven’t binged or purged or starved for so long now and I am beyond proud of myself. I don’t pinch my stomach anymore, I don’t punch myself anymore, I don’t punish myself or feel bad when I eat something unhealthy. I let myself have starbucks, I just choose better options. I eat healthier and I exercise more. I’m not obsessed over it like I used to be. I use my DBT skills to cope in a healthy way and to calm down when I get worked up. I am a new person and I am so proud of myself. Recovery is hard, recovery is a journey, but recovery is possible, and recovery is worth it!

When you’re in the recovery process, you have to second-guess every choice that you make. You can’t quit food cold turkey, because that would be a behaviour- you have to learn how to reincorporate food and exercise back into your life in a healthy way. And most people don’t really understand or realise how many of their decisions are based on food and exercise. If I were to order a coffee, I have to consider why I’m getting the coffee that I’m getting, I have to consider if I’m getting it because it has more or less calories than something else; and when I’m putting milk in my coffee I have to decide if I’m putting in one-percent because I’m not really feeling half-and-half today or because I know half-and-half has more calories. I have to consider whether or not taking the stairs is disordered or not. And it’s a balance game. You’re gonna make the wrong decision and you’re gonna mess up, but what’s important is to do the next right thing for your recovery. Because you can’t go back.
—  Isa Gueye, Civil War Sickness, 2015

6 months ago, i was the girl that blasted death metal through her black earbuds, while examining her chipped black nails. the girl that cut her skin deep enough for blood to drip onto the tile bathroom floor vision to blur. i was the girl that saw no future for herself. the girl that saw no reason to keep pushing forward. Today, im not that girl. today, i see a future. i dont blast death metal. i appreciate the beauty of life. i paint my skin with watercolor as a reminder that its okay to be myself. i headbang to whatever the fuck kind of music i want to. i cover the tile floor with muddy footprints from my dancing in the rain. i sing my heart out, even if its not in key. i still hate every inch of my body. i still cry myself to sleep. sometimes, i still feel like dying. but i realize now that its okay not to be okay. i will forever be trying to change myself, but im not going to ever change whats inside. i will forever radiate rainbows. i will continue to paint my nails in the dark because im too lazy to turn on the lights. i realize now that its okay to be the girl with terrible vision, pink hair, braces, and acne. because no matter what you look like, if you can manage a smile, you are beautiful. if you can handle showing us even just a glimpse of your gorgeous smile, you are perfect.

i have learned these things:

you will be happier.
things will always get better.
you will recover
your scars will remain, but you will get better
you are worth more than a million bucks
and there is always a better tomorrow.
you have to survive the bitter cold of the uphill battle before you reach the top of the mountain.
if you’ve gotten this far. you will survive.
you cant have that rainbow without the rain
people do love and care about you, no matter what you believe.
you’re going to be somebody’s entire world. their reason to live.
but right now
you have to be your reason to live.
you have to keep fighting.

and just remember

I love you.