recording advice


I’m gonna give some unsolicited advice that they don’t teach in school (and that’s because they couldn’t find a decent curriculum if it sat on their face).

Get a blank note book. I like the journal ones that vanish into the frey of my bookcases unnoticed.
In this note book keep track of:

1. Every job you’ve held, your start and end dates, bosses name, wage paid, address of business, any new skills you’ve learned while there, etc.. You will always need this list.

2.Every bill. Write the phone number or website of every company you owe money to, your sign in information, your account numbers. It makes paying bills super easy and stress free. I even jotted down my credit card number (in INTP language) on the same page so I don’t have to hunt down my wallet every time. Keep track of your spending. Bills before thrills, always!

3. Anyone who owes you money, and I’m just gonna toss in, buy a receipt book! If you loan out over $100 get paper documentation, the persons signature and a dead line to have it paid back. Only crappy friends out to take advantage are gonna think its “ uncool” and on that note, draft your own room mate lease, lay out the rules, protect yourself. Its not rocket science and I’m pretty sure notes in crayon are still legally binding.

4. A general Will or last wishes, where and to whom you want your crap to go. Kids die everyday, life is fragile. Your parents are not gonna know that you want your silver *bff* bracelet to go to Stacy’s mom (its a song) if you don’t tell someone. Its not creepy to think about, its not going to seal your fate, it will just make things easier if the worst does happen.

5. And this is just a personal thing…I know that I protect my notebook and no one else would ever see it so I don’t mind adding details about relationships. If your mate fucks up it needs to go in the book, if they break your stuff, if they hurt you physically or verbally, write down the red flags. We can be great forgivers sometimes and we let the past slide but when you keep a tally those red flags really pop out on paper and you could save yourself a ton of time, effort, and heartbreak.

I add random quotes and doodles. Just make it your own and keep it safe. Idc if you’re 500 years old, you’ll want or need all these lists for most of your life.

pro tip kiddos

take the time now and become so fucking good. practice; constantly, everything. learn everything you can. get upperclassmen, staff, anyone you can, to teach you. learn from your own mistakes, learn from the mistakes of people around you. learn from every source you have at your disposal. get creative. play easy songs you enjoy, because they will motivate you to practice. practice hard exercises that make you want to give up, because they will make you better. take the years you have now and become the best you can be, because regardless of what situation high school lands you in, you will be so good your chances at become better will soar. your peers will look up to you, because you have so much to teach and share. your superiors and staff will look up to you, because you have developed habits and skill and that are invaluable and have so much to give. you will have so many doors open to you, because you took the time to open them before you knew they existed. and finally brother, you will have learned, before your time, the most important lesson of all; what it truly means to be a musician, and that there is still so much more room to grow

to @recorder-jesus, on looking forward to moving up a level


- Disintegration, 2nd May 1989 -

And here we are. The masterpiece, The Cure’s opera magna, Disintegration. It’s quite a weird name for an album, if you think about it. I consider it a jump to another level, leaving behind Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me like a few years before they had left behind Pornography. Robert actually said that they did KMKMKM to reach a level that would have allowed them “to be listened to”, even with an album like DIsintegration. Because, let’s say it, this is not an easy listening; out of 12 songs, maybe two could make it to a radio station. But its beauty is that once you fully understand it, once it gets inside your heart, you’ll never be the same person again.
All the themes are very intimate; Robert proposed his ideas to the others already determined to make the album, with or without them… he really wanted to pour everything out, and this need shows a lot, seen how honest and passionate are the songs. He was going through a deep crysis, and it showed also later, during the Prayer Tour (listen to Faith from those concerts, the extra lyrics and his general attitude will leave you without words.).
A thing I absolutely love in all the songs is Robert’s  voice, because it shows how intensely he felt every word. In some songs it sounds so fragile, in others it explodes in frustration… in the previous albums he often played with it, but here it’s just the listener and the lyrics, with no tricks. Every song speaks to my soul in a language I never thought I could understand, and that makes me feel safe, in some ways. He just sounds so honest about what he’s singing about that the lyrics become even more transparent and true, almost in a scary way, Yep, it scares me to feel so naked, face to face with my inner self, but I think it’s also a positive thing, especially when you’re confused about what you feel.

The chords are surrounded by majestic synths, every note seems to resonate in space, cristalline and pure. The most evident example of this feeling is Plainsong, the opening track. The windchimes before the song are pure genius, they give me goosebumps every time, filling the listener with anticipation. Despite the very few lyrics, this song is poetry… Simon’s bass is almost singing here. It’s this song that builds in me the idea of an impetuous wind blowing through all the album, not only for the lyrics (“and the wind is blowing like it’s the end of the world, you said”), but for the general atmosphere of the song. In some ways the whole album is like a thunderstorm, that builds up with songs like Prayers For Rain, Fascination Street, and the astonishing title track, and fades away with Homesick and Untitled. It’s the final thunderstorm, another feature that contributes to make Disintegration an emotional masterpiece. 
I could write about this album for hours, I’m not joking. The famous South Park line “Disintegration is the best album ever!” couldn’t be more true, and still, there’s so much more than that. The only reason why it could’ve been defined as a “commercial suicide” is because it was being released after Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me, a totally different album. But this doesn’t mean Disintegration doesn’t have its big hits. Lovesong, that despite being the perfect lovesong fits perfecty in the general atmosphere of the album, and Pictures Of You, that as you might have noticed at this point, is (and will be) my favourite song EVER. For me it’s the enbodiment of three feelings at once: freedom, sadness, and happiness. (And also snow, a lot of snow!). 
Ok, this is getting way too long, I knew it… we’re all aware of huge singles like Lullaby and Lovesong. But I would love to just talk about the title track, Disintegration, it’s so powerful it really hurts. Robert pours everything out in this song, it’s like the ultimate rant before the disintegration of everything. All the album leaves you like everything disintegrated while listening to it… Untitled it’s a perfect frame for the sense of uncompleteness that fills you at the end of the story. Argh, this is getting so frustrating, I could fill PAGES about every single song on this album and I know I can’t…
Anyway. I must put this clear: this is definitely  NOT an easy listening. The first time I heard The Same Deep Water As You I stopped listening after the third minute, I found it almost boring. After the fourth listening, that song taught me what a good 9-minutes-song is. First listen to Lullaby, Lovesong, Pictures Of You, and I can assure you that when you’re ready to listen to it from start to finish you’ll know it deep down in your bones. At least, for me it’s been like that… I was completely lost and confused, and this album made me understand.

(If you want to open a discussion over it, feel free to send an ask ;))

There aren’t many things in life that are magic. Embrace the things that let you escape from reality (e.g. love & music).

Life advice:

Not that this is a new idea, but lately I’ve been getting up in the morning and putting on a classical record album and cleaning up the house until it’s finished. Sometimes I’ll flip the side and play that one too. It’s been useful because it sorta helps me turn off my thoughts in the morning, which can sometimes be the most determining thoughts for how the rest of my day will go. It’s also better than just putting on music because records are short and don’t drag on forever, making you feel like you’ve just spent 3 hours cleaning and now you want to do nothing but laze about. Classical helps when it’s upbeat and intense, makes me feel more productive and energetic.

For the past two days I’ve started off my day with a cleaner house and a better mood because of it. :D


I often get demos and auditions with echo and reverb and it drives me fucking nuts. This is NOT just my opinion. This is a problem EVERY online director faces.

Do NOT be one of those people we get pissed off at and make sure you fix your recording space to reduce reverb, noise, and low quality sound.

Be pro-active in making sure your chance to be a Professional VA is not ruined by shitty recordings!


- Pornography, 3rd May 1982 -

“The ultimate fuck-off record” [cit.]… a very accurate definition for this. It’s a very weird album, this one… the first of the Trilogy (Pornography, Disintegration, Bloodflowers), but still sooo different from all the other Cure albums. It’s monothematic: all the songs are the result of drugs and drugs and drugs. Robert and the others were on the edge of the ultimate splitting, going through a huge existential crisis, and this album shows it with no filters. The first line of the first track, “One Hundred Years”, summarises it well: “It doesn’t matter if we all die..:” An album full of rage, despair, and nihilism. There are no happier pieces, only slower ones (“Siamese Twins”, “The Figurehead”). “One Hundred Years”, is the most suffered, and Pornography has a resignation underlining, together with a desperate need to escape from all the pain, that I absolutely love. But still, I can assure you that this is not a “difficult” album, and probably this is its best quality. What makes it a masterpiece is that it helps a lot when you’re angry but you can’t give a shape to your feelings. You can talk with the songs, get absorbed by them without any effort. The driving force that comes from the apocalyptic drums and keys, mixed with Robert’s anguished voice (he often did the vocals while on drugs) is enough to make you feel all the passion put in this record. I always listen to it when I’m mad at someone, and it always soothes me, makes me feel not happier, but more calm and almost relaxed. If you’ve never tried it and you’re not into “angry” music, start from The Figurehead and The Hanging Garden. We’re very far from Boys Don’t Cry, aren’t we? 
Also, reading the Uncut magazine I found a very interesting Robert’s quote. It shows how despite the world is a ridiculously shitty and unjust place, what this album suggests is NOT suicide. “However bleak and hopeless everything got, the pointlessness of existence was funny to me. It takes a certain mindset to decide that life is so painful that you can’t continue with it. Life never got that painful to me. Even when the void opened up before me, I always thought, "The sun will rise whether I’m here or not, so I may as well be here for as long as I can and try to find some enjoyment.”

(If you want to open a discussion over it, feel free to send an ask ;))

Yuri on Ice interview translation - Animage 2017/01 (p18-19)

Interview with Wataru Hatano, who sang the ending song “You Only Live Once” and is also Georgi Popovich’s voice actor. 2/3 of the interview is about the song and 1/3 is about his role as Georgi. After hearing other seiyuu/staff’s impressions on Georgi, at last we get to know what the person who actually voices him thinks, lol.
I was planning on posting it right after his birthday but then I gave priority to other stuff like the BD contents etc… Here it is finally. It was published on the Animage that came out at the beginning of December, so it only covers up to after ep 10.

***If you wish to share this translation please do it by reblogging or posting a link to it***

***Re-translating into other languages is ok but please mention that this post is the source***

Wataru Hatano
ED artist / voice of Georgi Popovich
A song that allowed him to look into his individuality

The recording of the ED song that allowed him to take a new look at himself.

—The ED theme “You Only Live Once”, that you’re singing as “YURI!!! on ICE feat.w.hatano”, was created by the “Yuri on Ice” music producer Keisuke Tominaga. What did you discuss about with Tominaga-san during the creation process?

I had previously received a demo tape with the provisional song, but the first time I met Tominaga-san was on the day of the recording. The first thing he told me is that this song was made for “Yuri on Ice”, therefore we would need to get as close as possible to the show. PIANO already had a clear idea of the image of the song and what it was meant to represent, and I was told “we are going to modify your voice and use it as an element, in a good way”.

—Weren’t you reluctant to have your voice modified?

Actually I thought that it was interesting. As voice actors, our voice can also be considered an “element” of a show, and I personally think that it should be that way, so I thought it was worth giving it a try. Since it was a very different approach than what I had previously experienced, I thought that the methods I had used that far wouldn’t work this time, therefore I made sure to closely listen to Tominaga-san’s advice during recording.

—What kind of advice did you receive from Tominaga-san?

If I put too much of my individuality in the song, there were parts that wouldn’t match the melody properly after my voice was modified. However, if I didn’t convey any feelings at all, then it would become like a Vocaloid (LOL). The main problem to solve was how to “control my individuality”.

—You basically had to adjust how much individuality to show in the song.

If I sang like I normally do I would use vibrato and “shakuri” (pitch shifting up) to add feelings to the song, but this time I couldn’t do it because it would stand out in a weird way when my voice is modified. Tominaga-san gave me many little advices like “sing this part long and steady” or “here only put some personality at the end of the line”. It was quite a meticulous recording, as I would basically sing and record the lines one by one.

—So you recorded the song in more takes, with care.

The English pronunciation was especially difficult…… We had to re-record some parts like “You Only Live Once” at the beginning over a dozen times. But it’s definitely something we couldn’t have been able to do if Tominaga-san hadn’t been there.

—It was a recording with limits, basically the opposite of singing freely, is that correct?

For character songs you are often requested to fully pull out your individuality and the character’s qualities. But this way of singing was also quite new to me and it was a really good lesson. For the first time I was able to realize what “habits” I have when I sing, and it was a good occasion to take a new, more objective look at myself.

—So you mean to say that through the song you were able to look into your own individuality?

Yes, in fact when I heard the completed song I was surprised at how it turned out, also because it almost didn’t sound like myself, as if I wasn’t the one singing it. I think it was a very valuable experience.

—What did you come to notice about your “individuality” when you recorded the song?

I have the habit of conveying the message contained in the lyrics by singing in a strong subjective way. But this time I realized that, by singing objectively, you can deliver the message in a more profound way. This is what this experience taught me. Sometimes, instead of “pushing forward”, you can deliver the feelings in a song’s lyrics by “pulling back”.

A song for all figure skating lovers.

—What impression did you have of the lyrics?

When I received the lyrics, at first I thought that they were singing the feelings of the protagonist Yuuri. But when I went to the recording the staff told me that “the lyrics are not meant to be associated to a certain character, but to apply to all people who practice figure skating”… and I was like, “ok now I see”. To interpret the lyrics I started from the translation of the English parts, but indeed I thought that it perfectly suits the transient image of figure skating.

—What are your favorite lines?

All the lines are beautiful, but the one that left the strongest impression on my mind is “I don’t mind getting hurt if it’s to shine” (“kagayaku tame no kizu wa itowanai”). I genuinely think that it’s a nice phrase. I also like “resound, thunderous applause, so loud that I’ll feel rewarded for all time spent so far” (“ima made no hi ga mukuwareru hodo hibike thunderous applause”). I think the English expression “thunderous applause” really represents the world of figure skating and I like it.

—What do you think about the melody?

The first time I listened to the demo tape I thought it was an instrumental song. Like, “wait, there’s nothing to sing here” (LOL). But of course, it did contain a sung part. The voice was extensively modified and almost sounded like one of the instruments, so I didn’t notice. That’s why in the beginning I had no idea of how I should sing it, and until the recording day I received no suggestions at all.

—Indeed, listening to the finished song it sounds like your voice has become one with the other instruments.

The part at the start of the song too, in the lyrics it’s supposed to say “Oh… You Only Live Once”, but we actually overlapped other sounds taken after that, like “wooh wooh” and “yeah yeah”, so that who listens cannot catch what is actually said. It’s interesting how many ideas they came up with to better represent the atmosphere of the show.

—Yuuri’s voice actor Toshiyuki Toyonaga-san also said that if he were a figure skater he “would like to dance to the ED song sung by Hatano-san”.

Really? I’m happy to hear that! All of the “Yuri on Ice” songs are wonderful, and I’m honored to hear that among all those he picked “You Only Live Once”.

—The ED footage by Yuuichirou Hayashi is also splendid.

Everyone has such nice expressions. When “You Only Live Once” overlaps with Yuuri, Victor and Yurio’s wide smiles, among the popness and freshness of the song there’s a lingering transient feeling too…… You can feel the love of all the staff for this show.

—What concept did you choose for the song’s MV?

What I told the director is that, since the song is made to be close to “Yuri on Ice”, I would have liked the MV to be the same too. It starts with me walking in a monochrome, colorless city, looking in the distance with a distressed expression, and as the song gets picks up the pace it becomes more carefree. I start spinning around and spreading out my arms. This time we created one MV by overlapping lots of shots. We did it on purpose not to insert an exact story in it, so I’ll be happy if you watch it imagining the story as you prefer.

—What about the coupling song “Sing and Dance!”?

I chose it among a few available candidates. Since “You Only Live Once” recalls the icy coldness of the rink and people shining toward their dreams, I wanted the coupling song to be more straightforward, more like “Let’s all dance and dance together!”. The music was composed by fu_mou, who is also a DJ. When I asked him what genre would this song be considered, he told me “tropical house”. The word “tropical” became a hint for me when I was deciding how to sing it.

—Like in the image of tropical islands?

Positive and frank, with an excitement that pushes you forward. That’s what I pictured when singing it. It’s house, so it has a fast beat and your body automatically starts moving. It gives you a different impression than “You Only Live Once”, but when you listen to them one after the other I believe that their images are connected.

—It sounds like you gained many things from this recording.

It was an occasion to look into my individuality and I could get to know some interesting people. Starting from the composer Genki Hikota, all the members of the music production team PIANO are very young. I heard that Hikota-san is a DJ that works overseas too, and I was wondering, what if when I meet him he’s like “hey, man!”, like a totally loose guy (LOL). But he was actually a very polite person. He is very talented and also has a good personality. It’s amazing that people like that really exist. When he did the track down and the song was born, he shook my hand and told me “we should work together again”. At that time I thought, “I see, it’s because this song is created by people like him that it manages to be so open and clear”.

Something in common with Popovich, who manages to turn damage into strength.

—In the anime you are playing the role of Georgi Popovich. I understand that your singing voice in the ED was modified, but still, it sounded so different from Popovich’s voice that I was surprised.

I was surprised too (LOL). The instructions I received from the sound director are to “use a more threatening, low voice. His creepiness must sound amusing”, and that’s why I played him like that.

—The character himself means to be totally serious, but that ends up being funny instead.

I’m just doing my best and being faithful to the script, but for some reason…… the moment I step in front of the mike, I see the other members of the cast looking as if they’re trying not to laugh (LOL). I’m happy to see that but it’s also embarrassing.

—How is Popovich seen from your point of view?

He’s able to express with his skating the feelings that he experiences in his private life. Since he pushes out his feelings very forcefully when he skates, I didn’t have to hold back when I was playing him. Most of his lines while he is skating are monologues, but I’m being careful to say them energetically, as if he’s almost about to speak them out loud.

—At first sight he looks reserved, but when he performs he expresses his attachment toward his ex-lover with tears in his eyes.

The short program was still ok, but in the free he was seriously creepy (LOL). However, normally if something bad happens in your personal life you tend to lose your energy even toward work, but Popovich on the contrary is able to turn it into strength when he skates. I can understand that feeling because I have experienced it too. Actors are curious persons. When they are deeply wounded by something that happened in their personal life, when they are in distress, they can pull off better performances than usual.

—It’s like using adversity as a spring to push forward?

I think that maybe, when you reach an extreme condition your mind becomes keener than usual. In that sense, Popovich is a person able to turn a crisis into a chance. That’s why after he has finished his program I’d like to tell him “you gave a nice performance”.

—Are there other characters that caught your interest?

They all have very particular personalities, so I find them all interesting. It’s like if you don’t have a strong personality you can’t survive, but if I have to choose I’d say Yuuri and Yurio. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched the series from episode 1, but they touch me emotionally. I especially love Yuuri’s skating song “Yuri on ICE”. When I heard it in the broadcast I thought “beautiful!” and I almost stopped breathing. Many fans were saying that they are happy because the title of the show was actually connected to the story, and I do think that it’s really a song made for this anime.

—What image do you have of figure skating?

I was born in the Nagano prefecture. The Winter Olympics were held there when I was a student, and in general I’m familiar with winter sports. In the area I lived speed skating was popular, and I myself took classes for a few years. That’s why I’m also familiar with the temperature and coldness on the rink, and since they are both skating, I can easily imagine the environment surrounding Yuuri and the others.

—Did you start watching figure skating after being involved with “Yuri on Ice”?

The Grand Prix series is taking place just now, at the same time as the airing of the anime. I’m watching it on TV, and sometimes when I watch it I think “maybe in the real world too there are skaters with strong personalities like in “Yuri on Ice””… (LOL)

—Lastly, could you tell us about the future highlights of the story?

The Grand Prix Final will gather characters with very bold personalities and amazing skills. I think what everyone is wondering since episode 1 is “how will Yuuri fight?”, and “what will Victor do?”. In a world where scores decide the ranking, all skaters shine in their own fleeting moment…… This beautiful world is going to be portrayed in the anime. Please make sure to watch over their performances to the end.


- Wish, 21th April 1992 -

After a masterpiece like Disintegration, it would’ve been very difficult to make something better, but still Wish proved The Cure to be a worldwide successful band; it’s also in my personal top 3, and now I’ll tell you why.
Starting from the artwork for the cover, this album has some sort of childish energy sparkling through all the tracks, even in the most dark and “heavy” ones like From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea, Cut, End. The influence of Disintegration is still present, but the variation of themes and melodies makes this a more varied and “vibrant” album. It’s quite useful if you want to “throw back your head” as Doing The Unstuck says; a lot of the songs can give you the power to scroll away your sadness and reach the end of the day without an excessive dose of self loathing. Some of them are maybe less introspective, like Doing The Unstuck, Wendy Time or Friday I’m In Love (another perfect combination of pop single + glorious video!), but that doesn’t mean they deserve less than all the other tracks. Robert’s voice doesn’t sound fragile like in Disintegration; it's still plain but sometimes exaggeratedly passionate. He detaches himself more, like in Apart (one of the very few songs where he doesn’t sing in first person), but leaves some introspective moments here and there. The main songs where you can see that is Open and End, respectively the first and the last track of the album. As Robert said many times, they’re both about him, and his difficulties to face certain situations. He’s often worried that his songs may be too intimate, but these two are the demonstration that everyone has a little Robert Smith in himself. I experienced what these songs describe many times, and many times I just sang them in my mind and felt a little better. It may sound foolish, but it’s a great achievement for a song.
So, the main difference with Disintegration is the dualism of atmospheres; the recording was made in a much happier environment (a lot of articles of that period talk about it, I still remember the chart that ranked the level of madness of the group); but Disintegration left a strong melancholic flavour in the back of Robert’s mouth, and it shows in some songs (To Wish Impossible Things is my favourite slow track on the album, sad and oniric at the same time :>) 
The album has songs for everyone: very strong semi-apocalyptic ones like From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea (some would say too long, but honestly i could listen to it for hours and still get goosebumps!),  light happy pop hits like Friday I’m In Love, and funky eccentric gems like Wendy Time (another “dance-naked-alone-at-home” kind of song, hehehehe). Even the longer ones are accessible, but if you’re approaching it because you heard just Friday I’m In Love, be careful because as I said, that’s not the general theme! ;)

I personally disagree with the Uncut review of this album, especially with this statement (I can’t remember the exact words as I don’t have the magazine here with me): “The Cure are great because they never change.” I think they missed the point there, The Cure never change??! They ALWAYS change, BUT always staying true to themselves. That’s the great beauty of their work for me! That’s the focal point: you can stay true to yourself, and still never be boring. And that’s true for the next albums too, even if maybe they’re not the most popular Cure albums ever. But that’s another story…

(If you want to open a discussion over it, feel free to send an ask ;))


right after hosting the cctv web gala, yixing flew to guangzhou for aima bike’s charity event. he was sick while volunteering ): yixing ah, as much as you worry about others or your fans, please take care of yourself first…


- Three Imaginary Boys, 8 May 1979 - 

Not exactly Robert’s favourite Cure album, and not exactly mine too. But still a great first record for an unknown english three-piece! If you start from this and you’ve never heard their music, I suggest you to focus on songs like Accuracy, Three Imaginary Boys, Fire In Cairo, 10:15 Saturday Night… that’s the very relevant core of the album. Robert says that his voice now is much better than in 1979, but his angry young voice is still sooo pleasurable to listen to, especially singing sharp simple lyrics like in Fire In Cairo *-* The other songs are still fun to hear though… I can’t help but giggle during So What and Do The Hansa to be honest :’) 

(If you want to open a discussion over it, feel free to send an ask ;) I’ll be back home soon and at least I’ll have something interesting to do…)

Real Talk on: Miscarriages

When I was younger I always thought “I’ll pop a kid out when I’m blah blah old” and that it would be soooo easy that I’d just decide, not be on the pill, not use a condom and BOOM easy breezy I’m pregnant, have a baby, but you know what? For some people that’s true, for some people it’s fucking torture.

Last year I couldn’t believe it when I found out I was pregnant, I’ll never forget that moment I was terrified, I was happy beyond belief, every moment revolved around doing the right thing by my baby – what I ate, the exercise I did, not stressing myself, I lay awake at night so happy thinking about my husband Bryce being the amazing Father he’d dreamed of being for so long, How I would raise my baby, keeping a record of life advice, what the baby would grow up and be, who the baby would be as a person, everything, I have never felt such intense love for something I’d never met, It was like when you first fall in love with your soul mate on steroids.

Because I’d had implantation bleeding which is pretty normal I opted to get a scan at 6 weeks just to make sure everything was ok, Bryce & I were early, we were so excited we couldn’t sleep the night before all we could think about was seeing the little dot that was our little human, I got up on the bed and excitedly waited for the lady to tell me the jelly that they put on your tummy would be cold just like in the movies, she starts sliding it around, Bryce and I look at each other with a look I’ll never forget, a look of “holy shit this is it, I’ve never loved you more than right now” and then casually as fuck the nurse says “ummmm I’m not seeing a pregnancy of 6 weeks here” I laugh “haha what do you mean? Am I further along that I thought”
“no, I’m not seeing anything” … My brain starts to spin, the blackness I know all to well surrounds me ready to swallow me whole, the nurse instructs me to go to the bathroom and wee so she can have a better look by scanning me internally.
While I walk like a zombie to the toilet I hear Bryce asking if this is normal, can this happen “yes it can happen if the bladder it too full”
I get my hopes up again and tell myself in the mirror to chill the fuck out it’s gonna be fine. But it’s not fine. For 15mins I uncomfortably have a machine shoved up me after she tells me that I am 100% not pregnant anymore, then searches around to make sure everything is ok, no cysts, no ectopic pregnancy, no cancer.
I feel like a failure, I head into full panic mode Why me? How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Is she wrong? Maybe she just didn’t see it? I don’t understand I haven’t bled or anything? What’s going on?

I walk to the car in tearful silence and ring my sister “It wasn’t there, the baby is gone, it wasn’t there” we both cry, not only had Bryce and I been excited for a son or daughter, our families were excited for a niece or nephew, a grandson or grand daughter, a cousin and now as a family we’re all devastated, Bryce and I go home we both just cry and cry, coming in waves of forgetting then remembering for the next few days, waking up was the worst when you would remember again and then BAM waves of tears.
I was lucky I only had to wait 2 days before I psychically miscarried, that day was fucked I just went into auto pilot - I remember being in a lot of pain, having a fitting for the DWTS announcement and not fitting anything properly cause I was so bloated, learning to read an auto cue, prepping & doing a radio show, prepping & doing a TV show, recording a TV highlight show and then doing a live announcement for the biggest TV job of my career – All with a smile on my face, all with hysterical crying in between our make up artist would then touch up, some how I got through the day. God knows how. I didn’t eat a thing and the pain was horrible, when I see photos of that night I can see how red and bloated I am & thank Beyonce that the stylist knew how to improvise with a real bloated girl on camera. 

We went through this pretty much in silence, sure our families knew, a couple of people we were very close to at work knew but that was it. Nobody knew why Bryce and I were weird or weirdly always checking on each other, we were silent cause we almost felt embarrassed that this happened to us, we felt embarrassed to tell our closest friends.

This isn’t meant to be a massive POOR ME, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, cause it’s not, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I don’t want pity, I want awareness. I want other couples to know that you don’t have to hide the fact you had a miscarriage, that was your baby. You had dreams for that baby. You loved that baby and you do not have to hide that, which is why Bryce and I are pretty open about it now and we’re not embarrassed to talk about it, we don’t want other couples to feel how we felt and still feel sometimes.

 Miscarriages have this weird stigma of feeling like you failed and you feel embarrassed, like you’re the only one that it’s happened too and ya know what you aren’t! It’s really common, a lot of women miscarry, it’s horrible but it also shows that you’re not a loser, I couldn’t believe it when women that I idolised at work who I thought had it all, that were the most kick ass powerful women pulled me aside and told me they had been through it too and shared their experience, you never would’ve known and they both went on to have beautiful children after it. I feel a lot of hope and gratitude especially towards those two. 

It takes a while to grieve that loss, it doesn’t leave you but does get easier. Hell I still cry in the toilets at work sometimes or have days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone cause it gets a bit too real for me and I feel left behind, but the thing is if you know someone’s been through that, check on them, see how they are, cause it doesn’t just go away for them and people easily just forget about you and think ‘they’ll be right! They had a day off’ or ‘least you know you can get pregnant’ Yeah cool you’re right I could get pregnant, I haven’t had much luck getting another one in there, it also still doesn’t make the fact you lost a baby any easier.

We took a few months off trying and then the first month we tried again I got pregnant for a second time, I couldn’t believe it, it’s got to work this time, Our baby is finally here, it’s gonna happen! I drove to the supermarket to buy more tests to make 100% sure and then rang Bryce at work to tell him, I’ve never been happier in my whole life than when I saw those lines.
This time I decided to chill out, get a blood test in a weeks time, but I couldn’t wait so I did the test, it was not good news, yes I was pregnant, but my HCG level was really low, Our world started to spin again, I did an urgent blood test the next morning and my doctor had the results but for 7 hours avoided my phone calls because she quote “doesn’t like giving this sort of news over the phone” finally at 5pm she told me I would again lose our baby, She then went on to tell me that “After a third one, we can refer you to a fertility doctor” which enraged me, I didn’t want to have a third one, I ended the call ran to my old bosses office who wasn’t there, so I slumped onto his floor and just cried with 2 of my friends.

The words of my doctor saying to wait for a third one rang in my ears, We decided to go see a fertility doctor to see what was going on, we didn’t care how much it cost, we just needed to know why this had happened to us. It turned out we just had 2 lots of shitty luck.

We’ve started trying again now with no luck, every month is a solid reminder of the 2 babies we lost, I wish I could just let it go but I can’t, it feels like every period is a funeral of what should’ve been.

If you know someone that’s had a miscarriage, Just be there, Let them feel how they want to feel, Don’t tell them “at least you know you can get pregnant” cause everyone says that & it’s cause you feel awkward but it just feels like their loss is insignificant and it’s not, if you’ve had a baby think how in love you were at the start then imagine that love ripped away from you against your will, Most would rather wish they hadn’t been pregnant in the first place than have to go through it.

If you’ve had the miscarriage or even if you’re having any fertility problems whether you’re the one carrying it or the other half FEEL HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL, Don’t let people tell you how to feel, or “be positive” Yeah being positive is good but you’ve also gotta go through the emotions whether it’s sad, angry, cheated, frustrated, wanting to get really drunk, whatever you want to feel, just feel it, but one thing you can’t forget – Don’t suffer in silence, talk to people about how you’re feeling, grieve for your loss and don’t ever think you’re less because you had one, cause you’re not, as my husband Bryce says “It takes a bit longer to bake the really awesome kids, man our kid must be pretty awesome if it takes this long”, You will get through it I promise, yup some days will be shit, but it will get better.

PS, If you have had a miscarriage, I’m really, really, really fucking sorry for your loss, but try really hard, even when it feels impossible, don’t lose hope.


- Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me, 25th May 1987 - 

I like to define this album as a more glamorous version of The Head On The Door: the only Cure double album, it contains harsh guitar deliriums like The Kiss (they should use this as opener for their concerts more often!), melanchonic cries like A Thousand Hours, One More Time, pop madness like Why Can’t I Be You? and so on… still the album mantains some sort of omogeneity that makes it easy to enjoy. I love how almost in every song the melodies are voluptuous and rich, they reflect the deep red colour of the cover (that for those who don’t know pictures Robert’s gorgeous lips). In some of the songs (The Snakepit, Like Cockatoos) Robert’s voice is echoed, but while in Seventeen Seconds or Faith this effect gave a sense of solemnity, here what I feel is mostly lust and mistery. Another example of how The Cure always manages to reinvent themselves! Those were great times for the band, I’ve seen a lot of documentation about The Kissing Tour and everything made me suppose that they were enjoying themselves a lot. Also is in this period that Robert proposes to Mary! there are really too many songs and genres on this one, so I’ll focus only on the most relevant ones, that I would personally suggest you if you were about to listen to the album for the first time. First of all, Just Like Heaven, by far one of my most favourites Cure pop songs, and actually one of Robert’s too! He defined it the perfect pop song, and I think it’s true because it is an absolute gem. The lyrics are very simple yet dreamy, and together with the super famous guitar riff and the melody they could easily represent the definition of adolescential love, spontaneous and passionate. I love it… also, the video features Mary, so you HAVE to watch it (x).
Hot Hot Hot is another little song that I would recommend, especially for moments of great exaltation… if you don’t feel the urge to dance like a madman while listening to this song you have a serious problem! ;P and same for Why Can’t I Be You…
Other two songs that I want to say something about are Shiver And Shake and A Thousand Hours. Usually I see them left aside, but I like them a lot, I’m always fascinated by how true and passionate Robert’s voice sounds. I’ve read that he worked really hard on them (it seems that he recorded Shiver And Shake after an argument with someone… maybe Lol? At that time he was almost about to leave the band, so who knows…)
If Only Tonight We Could Sleep is one of the many examples of Boris’ genius, and I love how Robert sings “if only tonight we could sliiide…” it really gives the idea of sliding. In the whole album you can easily hear that his voice has improved a lot since when they started, it’s “softer” and develops in many different intonations. I like Like Cockatoos for that reason too. 
The last track, Fight, is also the last I’d like to recommend, because I think the fact that Robert wrote this after all what he had been through in the early 80s is very inspiring. But generally speaking, all the songs contribute to make this a very powerful and playful album, in some ways even romantic. The font they use in this period is probably my favourite Cure font ever, it’s perfect for the album. Also, I dare you to listen to Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me and then keep defining The Cure a goth band! 

(If you want to open a discussion over it, feel free to send an ask ;))