*curtsies* Duke, I need your advice! I want to buy a turntable, howewer I will study abroad next semester & live at 2 different places before that, so it's not really the time to get one. Do you think it's stupid to start buying vinyls before owning a turntable? It feels weird to have something I can't listen to, but I'm also afraid to pass up some great finds (especially in a different country) just because I'm waiting until I'm back & settled...
*curtsies* I mean, I can’t really answer this for you. If you’re 100% certain this is something you’re going to do and you know you’ll have the money (good turntables aren’t cheap, not to mention all the other equipment that you need to go with it; a legit setup will probably run upwards of $1,000 unless you have some of the equipment just lying around) then sure, you could go ahead and start picking up vinyl. But if you’ve never done this before (which I’m guessing you haven’t) I’ll warn you: there’s a learning curve, and just buying vinyl at random when you have no experience with it and don’t know what to look for or what to avoid could very easily result in you wasting a lot of money. Basically, do your research. Figure out what the whole stereo setup is going to cost you, be honest with yourself about whether you’re definitely going to have the money for it and a place to put it in a year’s time, and learn a little bit about how to buy vinyl before you just start dropping money. (The other thing to think about: How are you going to ship all those records home? Records are heavy and fragile. This will not be cheap either.)
Basically, I would caution against spending a lot of money on records you don’t have the means to play unless you really, really know what you’re doing.
P. S. The plural of vinyl is vinyl, not ‘vinyls.’ I correct you only because that would be a much more embarrassing mistake to make in a record store than anonymously online. Think about it this way: vinyl is a substance (like rubber or metal), not an object. It’s what records/LPs are made out of.
The thing about Chernow is this: he’s about as reliable as any historical biographer, except he’s also going against the traditional view of Hamilton. So while you should absolutely be skeptical of him, you should also be skeptical of his critics, and always always check the primary sources.
"I have been wondering if Sunday’s EXP Dungeon is better for grinding than the Festival levels" - Yes, but only a touch, and losing out on the gil/orbs is not really worth it. Also if I could find some spare time in my life I'd do up a good guide for the Mote Dungeons (among other things), since high level stuff is a great degree about adapting your strategies and knowing the fights and all that jazz.
Thanks for clearing that up! I had a feeling the EXP difference between the two wasn’t really that big and definitely not so much to warrant sacrificing the orbs and gil that comes with festival farming; I just wasn’t 100% sure. XD This is probably the third consecutive week I’ve ignored Sunday’s EXP dungeon because of the festival levels. Funny how that’s all it takes to forget the average EXP gains from said dungeon outside of “it was a big number”.
Hey, a Mote Dungeon guide would be really great, but I’m not gonna push for it especially if you don’t have time to spare. It’s a shame they’re really the only places (outside of high-difficulty raid fights) to get 4☆ motes… well, I guess some of the more recent dungeon updates have been providing those too (unless those were only 3
☆ and I’m forgetting)… maybe the latter few of the Nightmare Dungeon fights? Eh, they’re still in criminally short supply. And I have a similar beef with motes in general that I have with the elemental orb deal - I know at one point I had close to 500 bravery motes and probably half as much dexterity, but little else even comes close to breaching triple-digit amounts - ESPECIALLY vitality. It’s baffling how so many goddamn record skills require them - off the top of my head, the only ones that don’t are White Mage/Devout, Black Mage/Magus, and Bard. I might be missing out a few. Though for the mage skills, I’m now perpetually low on wisdom and/or spirit motes. Might be a side effect of several more characters recently breaking the level 80 cap (and with all the SBs I’m getting, characters previously useless to me suddenly have value to warrant some mote-spending).
I’m actually at a point where I could fully fill out Yuna’s Devout line (or at least I was for most of this past week - I haven’t been able to complete any bottom 3 jobs for anybody yet), and I definitely COULD have filled up Faris’ Cannonneer line earlier this week, which would’ve given her access to 4
☆ Machinist. Now I’m like a scant few short because idk if Faris needs Machinist as badly as, say, Cloud needing 5
☆ Spellblade, or Firion 4
☆ Support, or Jecht 4
☆ Knight, or Rinoa being able to equip Staves.
… and yeah, looking at my mote totals now, it’s totally lopsided. I somehow got 222 Spirit 3
☆ motes, but ZERO Wisdom. Bravery’s still in the 200s as well.
I’m thinking back to the Omega fight last year where I had a lot of help from you. I don’t remember the difficulty level of it, but it sounds like 180 would be appropriate. And maybe the gimmick of it being vulnerable to Stop helped a lot in that regard, because I was able to pull off that battle with perfect scores with not a single character having breached level 80 (Terra was closest at 76; everyone else was 69). I’d like to take on Nemesis D180. The bragging rights accessory would be nice, but I could also REALLY use that giant scarletite - actually that’s another beef of mine. I can’t remember the last time I was low on adamantite; presently I have 349 of the regular grade, and 256 of large (this is AFTER I sold 100 pieces of it to maintain my gil mountain!!). 47 Giant, but that was after I had a lot of armor relic pulls. Still, that’s better than ZERO giant scarletite which is what I have now. Along with a mere 79 large and 188 regular. it always did seem like the drops favored adamantite over scarletite, actually.
Meh. I may have to spend some gems to refuel stamina to make the best of all worlds of the festival redux. 181 stamina allows 2 consecutive max-level festival (or typical daily dungeon) runs; then it’s a long ass time before I can have another go. I didn’t resort to that yesterday, but I guess if I wanna have any hope of getting my elemental orb levels to healthy levels again AND have my weapon-enhancing material to be more on level with the stuff for armor, I’m gonna have to cut some corners. Thankfully nothing’s really piqued my interest for the WoFF event so I can save money/mythril for something else.
I’m also probably not gonna give the new banners another go. I did Banner 5 one last time last night and got… Garland’s Super (I NEVER use Garland; then again a lot of Nightmare stages I haven’t beaten yet are of the FFI realm…) and Papalymo’s Ley Lines. Another character I never really used after the FFXIV events!
Moral of the story is that I really wanted Jecht’s BSB but I think DeNA will never let me have it and I was probably lucky to even get Jecht Rush. :( Actually, it’s bizarre to think I’ve been playing FFRK for over a year now. My FFX team were my top-tier guys for the majority of that time so I probably invested more into their relics than most others…
Yet in all that time, I have never pulled a single goddamned Blitzball. Not one! I have a feeling it’s not exactly a common weapon type, but it just feels absurd that I haven’t gotten a single blitzball at all for as long as I’ve been playing.
Okay, I’m rambling to the point of sheer overkill now. XD Thanks for all the info!
Yuri on Ice interview translation - Animage 2017/01 (p18-19)
Interview with Wataru Hatano, who sang the ending song “You Only Live Once” and is also Georgi Popovich’s voice actor. 2/3 of the interview is about the song and 1/3 is about his role as Georgi. After hearing other seiyuu/staff’s impressions on Georgi, at last we get to know what the person who actually voices him thinks, lol. I was planning on posting it right after his birthday but then I gave priority to other stuff like the BD contents etc… Here it is finally. It was published on the Animage that came out at the beginning of December, so it only covers up to after ep 10.
***If you wish to share this translation please do it by reblogging or posting a link to it*** ***Re-translating into other languages is ok but please mention that this post is the source***
Wataru Hatano ED artist / voice of Georgi Popovich A song that allowed him to look into his individuality
The recording of the ED song that allowed him to take a new look at himself.
—The ED theme “You Only Live Once”, that you’re singing as “YURI!!! on ICE feat.w.hatano”, was created by the “Yuri on Ice” music producer Keisuke Tominaga. What did you discuss about with Tominaga-san during the creation process?
I had previously received a demo tape with the provisional song, but the first time I met Tominaga-san was on the day of the recording. The first thing he told me is that this song was made for “Yuri on Ice”, therefore we would need to get as close as possible to the show. PIANO already had a clear idea of the image of the song and what it was meant to represent, and I was told “we are going to modify your voice and use it as an element, in a good way”.
—Weren’t you reluctant to have your voice modified?
Actually I thought that it was interesting. As voice actors, our voice can also be considered an “element” of a show, and I personally think that it should be that way, so I thought it was worth giving it a try. Since it was a very different approach than what I had previously experienced, I thought that the methods I had used that far wouldn’t work this time, therefore I made sure to closely listen to Tominaga-san’s advice during recording.
—What kind of advice did you receive from Tominaga-san?
If I put too much of my individuality in the song, there were parts that wouldn’t match the melody properly after my voice was modified. However, if I didn’t convey any feelings at all, then it would become like a Vocaloid (LOL). The main problem to solve was how to “control my individuality”.
—You basically had to adjust how much individuality to show in the song.
If I sang like I normally do I would use vibrato and “shakuri” (pitch shifting up) to add feelings to the song, but this time I couldn’t do it because it would stand out in a weird way when my voice is modified. Tominaga-san gave me many little advices like “sing this part long and steady” or “here only put some personality at the end of the line”. It was quite a meticulous recording, as I would basically sing and record the lines one by one.
—So you recorded the song in more takes, with care.
The English pronunciation was especially difficult…… We had to re-record some parts like “You Only Live Once” at the beginning over a dozen times. But it’s definitely something we couldn’t have been able to do if Tominaga-san hadn’t been there.
—It was a recording with limits, basically the opposite of singing freely, is that correct?
For character songs you are often requested to fully pull out your individuality and the character’s qualities. But this way of singing was also quite new to me and it was a really good lesson. For the first time I was able to realize what “habits” I have when I sing, and it was a good occasion to take a new, more objective look at myself.
—So you mean to say that through the song you were able to look into your own individuality?
Yes, in fact when I heard the completed song I was surprised at how it turned out, also because it almost didn’t sound like myself, as if I wasn’t the one singing it. I think it was a very valuable experience.
—What did you come to notice about your “individuality” when you recorded the song?
I have the habit of conveying the message contained in the lyrics by singing in a strong subjective way. But this time I realized that, by singing objectively, you can deliver the message in a more profound way. This is what this experience taught me. Sometimes, instead of “pushing forward”, you can deliver the feelings in a song’s lyrics by “pulling back”.
A song for all figure skating lovers.
—What impression did you have of the lyrics?
When I received the lyrics, at first I thought that they were singing the feelings of the protagonist Yuuri. But when I went to the recording the staff told me that “the lyrics are not meant to be associated to a certain character, but to apply to all people who practice figure skating”… and I was like, “ok now I see”. To interpret the lyrics I started from the translation of the English parts, but indeed I thought that it perfectly suits the transient image of figure skating. —What are your favorite lines?
All the lines are beautiful, but the one that left the strongest impression on my mind is “I don’t mind getting hurt if it’s to shine” (“kagayaku tame no kizu wa itowanai”). I genuinely think that it’s a nice phrase. I also like “resound, thunderous applause, so loud that I’ll feel rewarded for all time spent so far” (“ima made no hi ga mukuwareru hodo hibike thunderous applause”). I think the English expression “thunderous applause” really represents the world of figure skating and I like it.
—What do you think about the melody?
The first time I listened to the demo tape I thought it was an instrumental song. Like, “wait, there’s nothing to sing here” (LOL). But of course, it did contain a sung part. The voice was extensively modified and almost sounded like one of the instruments, so I didn’t notice. That’s why in the beginning I had no idea of how I should sing it, and until the recording day I received no suggestions at all.
—Indeed, listening to the finished song it sounds like your voice has become one with the other instruments.
The part at the start of the song too, in the lyrics it’s supposed to say “Oh… You Only Live Once”, but we actually overlapped other sounds taken after that, like “wooh wooh” and “yeah yeah”, so that who listens cannot catch what is actually said. It’s interesting how many ideas they came up with to better represent the atmosphere of the show.
—Yuuri’s voice actor Toshiyuki Toyonaga-san also said that if he were a figure skater he “would like to dance to the ED song sung by Hatano-san”.
Really? I’m happy to hear that! All of the “Yuri on Ice” songs are wonderful, and I’m honored to hear that among all those he picked “You Only Live Once”.
—The ED footage by Yuuichirou Hayashi is also splendid.
Everyone has such nice expressions. When “You Only Live Once” overlaps with Yuuri, Victor and Yurio’s wide smiles, among the popness and freshness of the song there’s a lingering transient feeling too…… You can feel the love of all the staff for this show.
—What concept did you choose for the song’s MV?
What I told the director is that, since the song is made to be close to “Yuri on Ice”, I would have liked the MV to be the same too. It starts with me walking in a monochrome, colorless city, looking in the distance with a distressed expression, and as the song gets picks up the pace it becomes more carefree. I start spinning around and spreading out my arms. This time we created one MV by overlapping lots of shots. We did it on purpose not to insert an exact story in it, so I’ll be happy if you watch it imagining the story as you prefer.
—What about the coupling song “Sing and Dance!”?
I chose it among a few available candidates. Since “You Only Live Once” recalls the icy coldness of the rink and people shining toward their dreams, I wanted the coupling song to be more straightforward, more like “Let’s all dance and dance together!”. The music was composed by fu_mou, who is also a DJ. When I asked him what genre would this song be considered, he told me “tropical house”. The word “tropical” became a hint for me when I was deciding how to sing it.
—Like in the image of tropical islands?
Positive and frank, with an excitement that pushes you forward. That’s what I pictured when singing it. It’s house, so it has a fast beat and your body automatically starts moving. It gives you a different impression than “You Only Live Once”, but when you listen to them one after the other I believe that their images are connected.
—It sounds like you gained many things from this recording.
It was an occasion to look into my individuality and I could get to know some interesting people. Starting from the composer Genki Hikota, all the members of the music production team PIANO are very young. I heard that Hikota-san is a DJ that works overseas too, and I was wondering, what if when I meet him he’s like “hey, man!”, like a totally loose guy (LOL). But he was actually a very polite person. He is very talented and also has a good personality. It’s amazing that people like that really exist. When he did the track down and the song was born, he shook my hand and told me “we should work together again”. At that time I thought, “I see, it’s because this song is created by people like him that it manages to be so open and clear”. Something in common with Popovich, who manages to turn damage into strength.
—In the anime you are playing the role of Georgi Popovich. I understand that your singing voice in the ED was modified, but still, it sounded so different from Popovich’s voice that I was surprised.
I was surprised too (LOL). The instructions I received from the sound director are to “use a more threatening, low voice. His creepiness must sound amusing”, and that’s why I played him like that.
—The character himself means to be totally serious, but that ends up being funny instead.
I’m just doing my best and being faithful to the script, but for some reason…… the moment I step in front of the mike, I see the other members of the cast looking as if they’re trying not to laugh (LOL). I’m happy to see that but it’s also embarrassing.
—How is Popovich seen from your point of view?
He’s able to express with his skating the feelings that he experiences in his private life. Since he pushes out his feelings very forcefully when he skates, I didn’t have to hold back when I was playing him. Most of his lines while he is skating are monologues, but I’m being careful to say them energetically, as if he’s almost about to speak them out loud.
—At first sight he looks reserved, but when he performs he expresses his attachment toward his ex-lover with tears in his eyes.
The short program was still ok, but in the free he was seriously creepy (LOL). However, normally if something bad happens in your personal life you tend to lose your energy even toward work, but Popovich on the contrary is able to turn it into strength when he skates. I can understand that feeling because I have experienced it too. Actors are curious persons. When they are deeply wounded by something that happened in their personal life, when they are in distress, they can pull off better performances than usual.
—It’s like using adversity as a spring to push forward?
I think that maybe, when you reach an extreme condition your mind becomes keener than usual. In that sense, Popovich is a person able to turn a crisis into a chance. That’s why after he has finished his program I’d like to tell him “you gave a nice performance”.
—Are there other characters that caught your interest?
They all have very particular personalities, so I find them all interesting. It’s like if you don’t have a strong personality you can’t survive, but if I have to choose I’d say Yuuri and Yurio. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched the series from episode 1, but they touch me emotionally. I especially love Yuuri’s skating song “Yuri on ICE”. When I heard it in the broadcast I thought “beautiful!” and I almost stopped breathing. Many fans were saying that they are happy because the title of the show was actually connected to the story, and I do think that it’s really a song made for this anime.
—What image do you have of figure skating?
I was born in the Nagano prefecture. The Winter Olympics were held there when I was a student, and in general I’m familiar with winter sports. In the area I lived speed skating was popular, and I myself took classes for a few years. That’s why I’m also familiar with the temperature and coldness on the rink, and since they are both skating, I can easily imagine the environment surrounding Yuuri and the others.
—Did you start watching figure skating after being involved with “Yuri on Ice”?
The Grand Prix series is taking place just now, at the same time as the airing of the anime. I’m watching it on TV, and sometimes when I watch it I think “maybe in the real world too there are skaters with strong personalities like in “Yuri on Ice””… (LOL)
—Lastly, could you tell us about the future highlights of the story?
The Grand Prix Final will gather characters with very bold personalities and amazing skills. I think what everyone is wondering since episode 1 is “how will Yuuri fight?”, and “what will Victor do?”. In a world where scores decide the ranking, all skaters shine in their own fleeting moment…… This beautiful world is going to be portrayed in the anime. Please make sure to watch over their performances to the end.
Written a year ago today on the dust sleeve of Fleetwood Mac’s self-titled album to remind my future self that regardless of how miserable a year can be the love that comes in between is enough to carry on and improve.
right after hosting the cctv web gala, yixing flew to guangzhou for aima bike’s charity event. he was sick while volunteering ): yixing ah, as much as you worry about others or your fans, please take care of yourself first…
Moana was set for one thirty in the afternoon on the friday before Thanksgiving sunday. Sophia’s day had started as usual: she got up and took her meds, had her breakfast with Willa, and then started her therapies. When she got into her individual therapy, she was so excited she was nearly bouncing off the walls. She was excited to put on her normal clothes, she was excited to get out of this place, she was excited to go on an adventure to the cinema. Her doctor took note of this right off the bat, how every other day she was sluggish and quiet in their sessions, but today she was talkative with Teddy and bouncing in her seat. She made sure to stress to Sophia though that if this didn’t go well, she wouldn’t be allowed out for an afternoon for a long time; they didn’t want her attempting to run away, or refusing to leave Santana when they got back, or not wanting to change out of her normal clothes. Soph already knew this from Santana and Mami, so she nodded along and promised to be good and nearly ran out the door when the session was over.
It took her twenty minutes to speed through her lunch, and then she was up again, running through the halls and back to her room to change her clothes. She was supposed to be getting picked up at half past noon, so as soon as the clock struck 12:25, she made sure she and Teddy were downstairs in the visiting centre, waiting for Santana to appear to sign her out. They had permission to be gone all afternoon, until six in the evening, which would give them time to see the movie and have dinner before Soph would be brought back. The previous day, one of the nurses had given Santana a call to tell her a couple general rules and bits of advice: to record what Sophia ate, so they could keep it in their records; to not let her go home because she wouldn’t want to come back and it would be a little too hard for her right now; things like that. This was either going to be really good for her, or really bad, and they had their fingers crossed that she wouldn’t try to run away or squirm her way out of eating. It was like a test for both Santana and Sophia: Soph, to see if she could handle it, and San, to see if she could abide by the rules and keep the hospital informed of her moods and eating habits, especially. If it was a longer stay, or an overnight one, they would have had to have an entirely different conversation about medications and the nutrient rich drinks Soph had to drink, but because it was only an afternoon, a first afternoon, they were cutting them some slack. “Sissy!” Sophia squealed as soon as she saw her sister in the doorway. Finally, she looked like herself, with her hair in a french braid, her bright dress and cardigan on, Teddy in her hand and life-filled eyes instead of sad ones.
Yes. I definitely consider myself a feminist and it matters. The idea of what a feminist is is changing. I have so many strong women in my life. Throughout making this record I was really supported, consoled and held by the women in my life. My mother is a professor of renaissance history so I spent a lot of time in France as a child. Going to the Duomo and seeing St. Agatha with her breasts cut off was particularly shocking and made a mark. When you have a history of women behind you, you are constantly being floored by something powerful. It’s like waves of truth. It is humbling to listen to strong women and it makes me realize my capacity. I had to go through this as I was making the record. Through advice from other women, I felt like I [gained] more strength.
Gluckel Von Hameln: First European Jewish Woman to Write an Autobiography
One of her descendants, Bertha Pappenheim, posed and dressed as her, in the early 20th century.
Hi everyone! So this week I’m writing about Glϋckel von Hamlen (also known as Glickl), who is the first European Jewish women to write an autobiography! She wrote her the first chapter (or “book”) of her autobiography in 1691, two years after her first husband died, and finished the seventh, and last, chapter/book somewhere between 1719 and 1724. Not intended to be published, her work was written with incredible warmth, love, and compassion, for her children and grandchildren to read after she died, so that they would know about their family, and where they came from. She also repeatedly discusses the ways in which writing her life story down allows her to get through long and painful nights, and the loneliness she combated daily after losing her husband and entering into an unfortunate, apparently loveless, second marriage.
She tirelessly writes down the names of each family member, their marriages, and their children, in really remarkable detail, creating a record not only of herself and her family, but also the Jewish communities of Hamburg and Hamlen, that not only was surely of great use to descendants, but also of historians looking to recreate or analyze Jewish life, particularly Jewish family life and Jewish women’s lives, in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. Given that so few documents have survived from European Jews in this period, her account has an incredibly vital and indispensable resource for historians.
However, her autobiography is more than just a simple record. It includes advice and morality tales, written herself or taken from elsewhere that tells us much about her character, her values, and the time period. As she writes these little tales down or records information, she allows her memory to wonder, including for us in beautiful prose, non-linear snapshots from her life as she remembers them, as they occur to her. It often resembles less a “typical” autobiography, which claims to be an objective, unbiased telling of the author’s life, and more an emotional personal account of her subjective experiences, as they would be verbally told to an attentive (and very well loved) listener.
Her work, originally written in an early form of Yiddish, has since been translated accurately into Hebrew, English, German (by Pappenheim), and modern Yiddish. The version I’m most familiar with is Beth-Zion Abraham’s 1960s translation, “Gluckel of Hameln: Written By Herself.”
The Abrahams version is available on Amazon, and in many local and university libraries!
When I was younger I always thought “I’ll
pop a kid out when I’m blah blah old” and that it would be soooo easy that I’d
just decide, not be on the pill, not use a condom and BOOM easy breezy I’m
pregnant, have a baby, but you know what? For some people that’s true, for some
people it’s fucking torture.
Last year I couldn’t believe it when I found out I was pregnant, I’ll never
forget that moment I was terrified, I was happy beyond belief, every moment
revolved around doing the right thing by my baby – what I ate, the exercise I
did, not stressing myself, I lay awake at night so happy thinking about my
husband Bryce being the amazing Father he’d dreamed of being for so long, How I
would raise my baby, keeping a record of life advice, what the baby would grow
up and be, who the baby would be as a person, everything, I have never felt
such intense love for something I’d never met, It was like when you first fall
in love with your soul mate on steroids.
Because I’d had implantation bleeding which is pretty normal I opted to get a
scan at 6 weeks just to make sure everything was ok, Bryce & I were early,
we were so excited we couldn’t sleep the night before all we could think about
was seeing the little dot that was our little human, I got up on the bed and excitedly
waited for the lady to tell me the jelly that they put on your
tummy would be cold just like in the movies, she starts sliding it around, Bryce and I look
at each other with a look I’ll never forget, a look of “holy shit this is it, I’ve
never loved you more than right now” and then casually as fuck the nurse says
“ummmm I’m not seeing a pregnancy of 6 weeks here” I laugh “haha what do you
mean? Am I further along that I thought”
“no, I’m not seeing anything” … My brain starts to spin, the blackness I know
all to well surrounds me ready to swallow me whole, the nurse instructs me to
go to the bathroom and wee so she can have a better look by scanning me internally.
While I walk like a zombie to the toilet I hear Bryce asking if this is normal,
can this happen “yes it can happen if the bladder it too full”
I get my hopes up again and tell myself in the mirror to chill the fuck out
it’s gonna be fine. But it’s not fine. For 15mins I uncomfortably have a machine shoved up me
after she tells me that I am 100% not pregnant anymore, then searches around to
make sure everything is ok, no cysts, no ectopic pregnancy, no cancer.
I feel like a failure, I head into full panic mode Why me? How did this happen?
What did I do wrong? Is she wrong? Maybe she just didn’t see it? I don’t
understand I haven’t bled or anything? What’s going on?
I walk to the car in tearful silence and ring my sister “It wasn’t there, the
baby is gone, it wasn’t there” we both cry, not only had Bryce and I been
excited for a son or daughter, our families were excited for a niece or nephew,
a grandson or grand daughter, a cousin and now as a family we’re all
devastated, Bryce and I go home we both just cry and cry, coming in waves of
forgetting then remembering for the next few days, waking up was the worst when
you would remember again and then BAM waves of tears.
I was lucky I only had to wait 2 days
before I psychically miscarried, that day was fucked I just went into auto
pilot - I remember being in a lot of pain, having a fitting for the DWTS
announcement and not fitting anything properly cause I was so bloated, learning
to read an auto cue, prepping & doing a radio show, prepping & doing a
TV show, recording a TV highlight show and then doing a live announcement for
the biggest TV job of my career – All with a smile on my face, all with
hysterical crying in between our make up artist would then touch up, some how I
got through the day. God knows how. I didn’t eat a thing and the pain was
horrible, when I see photos of that night I can see how red and bloated I am
& thank Beyonce that the stylist knew how to improvise with a real bloated
girl on camera.
We went through this pretty much in
silence, sure our families knew, a couple of people we were very close to at
work knew but that was it. Nobody knew why Bryce and I were weird or weirdly
always checking on each other, we were silent cause we almost felt embarrassed
that this happened to us, we felt embarrassed to tell our closest friends.
This isn’t meant to be a massive POOR ME, I
HAD A MISCARRIAGE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, cause it’s not, I don’t want you to feel
sorry for me, I don’t want pity, I want awareness. I want other couples to know
that you don’t have to hide the fact you had a miscarriage, that was your baby.
You had dreams for that baby. You loved that baby and you do not have to hide
that, which is why Bryce and I are pretty open about it now and we’re not
embarrassed to talk about it, we don’t want other couples to feel how we felt
and still feel sometimes.
Miscarriages have this weird stigma of
feeling like you failed and you feel embarrassed, like you’re the only one that
it’s happened too and ya know what you aren’t! It’s really common, a lot of women
miscarry, it’s horrible but it also shows that you’re not a loser, I couldn’t
believe it when women that I idolised at work who I thought had it all, that
were the most kick ass powerful women pulled me aside and told me they had been
through it too and shared their experience, you never would’ve known and they both went on to have beautiful children after it. I feel a lot of hope and gratitude especially towards those two.
It takes a while to grieve that loss, it
doesn’t leave you but does get easier. Hell I still cry in the toilets at work
sometimes or have days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone cause it gets a bit too real for me and I feel left behind, but the thing is
if you know someone’s been through that, check on them, see how they are, cause
it doesn’t just go away for them and people easily just forget about you and
think ‘they’ll be right! They had a day off’ or ‘least you know you can get
pregnant’ Yeah cool you’re right I could get pregnant, I haven’t had much luck
getting another one in there, it also still doesn’t make the fact you lost a
baby any easier.
We took a few months off trying and then the first month we tried again I got
pregnant for a second time, I couldn’t believe it, it’s got to work this time,
Our baby is finally here, it’s gonna happen! I drove to the supermarket to buy
more tests to make 100% sure and then rang Bryce at work to tell him, I’ve
never been happier in my whole life than when I saw those lines.
This time I decided to chill out, get a blood
test in a weeks time, but I couldn’t wait so I did the test, it was not good
news, yes I was pregnant, but my HCG level was really low, Our world started to
spin again, I did an urgent blood test the next morning and my doctor had the
results but for 7 hours avoided my phone calls because she quote “doesn’t like
giving this sort of news over the phone” finally at 5pm she told me I would
again lose our baby, She then went on to tell me that “After a third one, we
can refer you to a fertility doctor” which enraged me, I didn’t want to have a
third one, I ended the call ran to my old bosses office who wasn’t there, so I
slumped onto his floor and just cried with 2 of my friends.
The words of my doctor saying to wait for a third one rang in my ears, We
decided to go see a fertility doctor to see what was going on, we didn’t care
how much it cost, we just needed to know why this had happened to us. It turned
out we just had 2 lots of shitty luck.
We’ve started trying again now with no luck, every month is a solid reminder of
the 2 babies we lost, I wish I could just let it go but I can’t, it feels like
every period is a funeral of what should’ve been.
If you know someone that’s had a miscarriage, Just be there, Let them feel how
they want to feel, Don’t tell them “at least you know you can get pregnant”
cause everyone says that & it’s cause you feel awkward but it just feels
like their loss is insignificant and it’s not, if you’ve had a baby think how
in love you were at the start then imagine that love ripped away from you
against your will, Most would rather wish they hadn’t been pregnant in the
first place than have to go through it.
If you’ve had the miscarriage or even if you’re having any fertility problems
whether you’re the one carrying it or the other half FEEL HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL,
Don’t let people tell you how to feel, or “be positive” Yeah being positive is
good but you’ve also gotta go through the emotions whether it’s sad, angry,
cheated, frustrated, wanting to get really drunk, whatever you want to feel,
just feel it, but one thing you can’t forget – Don’t suffer in silence, talk to
people about how you’re feeling, grieve for your loss and don’t ever think you’re
less because you had one, cause you’re not, as my husband Bryce says “It takes
a bit longer to bake the really awesome kids, man our kid must be pretty
awesome if it takes this long”, You will get through it I promise, yup some
days will be shit, but it will get better.
PS, If you have had a miscarriage, I’m really, really, really fucking sorry for
your loss, but try really hard, even when it feels impossible, don’t lose hope.
Record yourself rECORD YOURSELF RECORD YOURSLEOD R eCoRd yOUrSelfF RECCCOOORDDDDD YOUUURRRSEEEELLLLLLLLFFLLFLFLFLFLLF
WHEN LISTENING TO A RECODDING OF YOURSELF YOU’LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO REALLY REALLY HEAR SMALL THINGS LIKE ICKY ATTACKS AND BAD RELEASES AND BAD INTONATION AND TONE AND PHRASING !!!!!!IT REALLY HELPS YOU FOGURE OUT HOW YOU WANT TO PHRASE A PART!!!!
SO RECORD YOURSELF WHILE YOU’RE PRACTICING OK !!!!!