You were cotton candy and cigarettes,
the two of us walking down to the water
just to hear the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks,
our feet dragged into the shore that slowly pulled us homeward,
we put seashells to our ears just to drown out the sound
of us forgetting each other 

Tell me once more about the fall of the empire you built yourself
I want to lay among the ruins and imagine what could have been
and the whispers between your heartbeat told me that you were a wave,
calming and cresting
crashing onto any chance at redemption 

it’s amazing how much therapists will do to avoid diagnosing someone with something they consider a ‘more serious diagnosis’ even though adding the diagnosis… doesn’t affect anything about how my life goes. today my psychologist finally said “i think you have traits that constitute a case of mild autism.” that sentence has so many qualifiers.

there’s this idea that an autism diagnosis will ‘ruin your life.’ ableists will ruin my life far more than any diagnosis will, especially one i recognized in myself long ago.

she’s having a meeting with my parents next week to discuss my diagnoses, treatment plans, and prognosis. when she said it she talked about wanting to be tentative with my mom & not tell her. and honestly, she’s right. when my mom talks about autism, she talks about it as this huge life-ruining thing where you can’t “have a real life.”

my therapist said she was nervous about telling me this because she doesn’t want this diagnosis to overshadow the rest of my life, and because she thinks i’m still capable of living a normal life. 

meanwhile, there are plenty of things that do interfere with me having a “real life” at home.

when i ask my parents basic questions, they laugh at me, or misinterpret my words. 

when i said “i have trouble breaking down tasks, for example, with cleaning up a kitchen, i know partly that there are tasks that go into that, but like, if u asked me ‘how do u clean up a kitchen?’ i wouldn’t be able to tell you how to break it down, even though you’re supposed to clean the surfaces and the floor, wipe the stove down, clean the microwave, do the dishes, and so much more i can’t figure out or put together. could you write my kitchen tasks down for me?” my dad told my mom & therapist that what i said was ‘i don’t know how to clean up the floor’ & infantilized me to my face about it. 

that wasn’t an isolated incident, but i don’t want to go into detail about their abuse.

given that that happened, am i really going to ask my parents how to use our new washing machine, or will i spend a few more months living with dirty sheets because i don’t want to be ridiculed and let my mom keep yelling at me for not doing my laundry.

i know an abled person could figure out these things: using the washing machine, or break down cleaning tasks or do their assignments before two days to the grading deadline. i also know that as much as my parents have told me “questions are always okay,” that only goes as far as “questions a neurotypical adult doesn’t know the answers to.”

I told my dad about the tentative diagnosis, but I had to ask him not to tell my mom.

TL; DR: My autism isn’t ruining my life, but my parents’ reactions to it sure are lowering my quality of life. I don’t want my therapist to walk on eggshells about a diagnosis that’s obvious and clear just because it’s “serious.”

Bonkai for Teen Choice Awards 2015


Can you imagine the look on Plec’s face if Bonkai wins Choice TV Chemistry? LOLOLOL! Bonus points for Grahamwood receiving the award on stage. :) 

You can go to the link below for all the categories for nominations…

You can also just copy and paste the following tweets. I’ve checked that they’re all within the letter count for a single tweet. 

My #TeenChoice nominee for #ChoiceTVChemistry is #bonkai #tvd Bonnie and Kai  @KatGraham @ChristophrWood 

My #TeenChoice nominee for #ChoiceSciFiTVActress is @KatGraham #tvd Bonnie

My #TeenChoice nominee for #ChoiceSciFiTVActor is @ChristophrWood #tvd Kai

My #TeenChoice nominee for #ChoiceFemaleHottie is @katgraham Katerina Graham

My #TeenChoice nominee for #ChoiceTVVillain is @ChristophrWood Chris Wood #tvd Kai

i think therapy can be really helpful for some but i think it should be a choice and therapists should be a lot better than they are from my experience and hearing other ppls experiences…

like if you dont have only GAD/unipolar depression therapists rlly dont like you or understand you and treat you really bad a lot of the time and thats no fair (esp psychotic ppl)

 they act like they can talk over people a lot of the time, and a lot are anti-self dx and value a parents words over a minors, leading to an unsafe situation for abused kids

basically therapists are good if you get lucky, i feel kind of the same abt psychiatrists honestly