reblarging

me: makes a post about how i don’t agree with feeding dogs vegan thigns

random vegan: same but you should eat vegan

me: why are you here i did not ask

random vegan: because if you care about animals you’d be vegan

me: [makes it perfectly clear they should fuck in the direction of off because i am so done and not in the mood]

random vegan: [writes a damn essay about farming in europe which i am well aware is different than in the states and insist they are not trying to convert me and yet continues]

me: wh y are you stilll here. i literally do not want to keep talking to you. i have had screaming matches with people who wanted me dead that progressed faster and finished faster than this. are we done.

I think a lot of the time when i’m going “this is really fucking weird” people don’t understand [and fairly it’s bc i probably don’t make it too clear] is that i’m saying it’s just really confusing and strange to me personally.
Because i’m very chill learning about other cultures and peoples and religions etc.
But if people of my own sphere of things do something that makes no sense in my little paradigm that comes across as ‘this could endanger someone’ it just.. leaves me sitting there like “what”.

Like the looking at food thing. 
We used to have people pushing razorblades into baked goods and fruit up here and handing them out to people. In my area, rural as it is, no one really questioned the goods because they’d show up at churches or the foodbank ok. And then kids would eat them. So we all were raised to check for items in the food first. 
People started putting poison in drinks etc so we smell drinks first, break apart cookies, don’t trust anything that you can’t stare at. You don’t eat in the dark and if you do, you stare at it.
Even past that, we’re all fucking poor and bugs land on things. You make sure nothing is on the next bite, even inside. You check drinks for things. I know people who have swallowed wasps because some landed on the ice in her soda and she swallowed without looking.

Like, blindly eating and drinking things can get you all manner of fucked up so i just. “why would you do this” is my reaction.

i just lock onto “why are u aiming for danger and proud of that”

Like it didn’t occur to me that.. people were in some cases not serious about beating the shit out of Nazis if they saw them. 

Because i was under the impression there were faces to break and appendages to ruin. 

It occurs to me this may be my historic bent toward accepting that horrific violence sometimes needs to occur to keep the larger scope of humanity safe, or just that i have that sort of hate simmering in my heart toward Nazis so i’m kinda ok to sit in jail till they let me out for it, but uh. 
Generally.
I didn’t think so many people would call for such violence and then… idk not go looking. 
Like maybe they’d go around and support people at risk from nazi’s so when push comes to slaming heads into concrete to save people’s lives, we have a safety net in place so if and when another set of ovens get built we can grab our families and run.

And yeah, I may only be a Jewish person in so far as i started my conversion process in december 2016, but i’ve been queer, disabled, and angry on behalf of a lot of people a hell of a lot longer than that. 

So when people said “violence” i thought “violence” and prepared.
Because if you say on your blog you’d punch nazi’s or you’re happy about nazi’s getting punched but won’t do shit when shit hits the fan– as much as i really hope it won’t– you mean nothing on the grand scale of things. Just another passive face watching us die.

Like, im not sorry i’m talking, but i’m kinda sorry my frustration is making it come out in this way. 
I don’t know how to defend people and help people being poor, and broke, and about a hundred miles from my temple so i can’t go do shit for my people. No one local-local wants to show themselves because let me tell you.

We got nazis. We have no less than 3 christian extremist groups in my literal drive-8-miles-and-they-own-signs-on-the-road town. They commit arson, they kill people, they rob families blind and the cops let them off because they’re in with them. The Kl*n and Ary*n brotherhood is up here and holds marches. They flip cars if they catch a person of color in a town with a large native population. They drive out and harass kids going to public school before they can get on the bus, then go wait at the stop by the rez so they can throw shit and hit them so guys wait to run them off. 

I have squared the fuck up on some people and the only reason i stopped on a swing was i noticed a gun on them part way through. Or they had a buddy with them that had a gun. 
Or they had kids with them and i’ll fuck them up but if their kids got into it i’m not going to hit a kid. Because i know how hard i swing, and aside being morally wrong, i know how bad it would hurt them. 

i just.
i think i just don’t know what to do with the whole “people don’t care about Jews” thing. 
i’m used to “if someone says they’ll fight for you, they mean it” and i don’t know how to process someone not meaning it

just have this feeling like i’m bad and people are only following me to make fun of me and i just haven’t noticed yet

added to the “ha not even fictional people would like someone like you” thing, i just kinda wanna stop existing for a bit

Want to play overwatch

feel like death

why

oh because my insurance knocked me down to another brand of BC that has different balances in it so while it’s not going to fuck my cysts up, itll make me nauseous for fucking ever, and then i spent 4 hours catting in a room that just had the floor bleach mopped with a solution with too much bleach in the solution because the shelter was so fucking desperate for people they emailed everyone they had on file and said “remember signing on to volunteer, pls come in we have no one” 
and i managed to limp in and they had someone who lived out on that road willing to come in on their first time and they did the bucket. thus the bleach being off because you can go “half cup bleach to a gallon of water” but they heard “fill half to half”

omfg i just realized there was a call and i only just managed to get bro to the station. he had headphones in and i was spaced/nausea so bad i couldn’t get up. fuck fuck.

I got him there before dad said they ended the call, though. it was a fall/possible stroke though and he hates going on those and after grandpa i don’t think he wants to do elderly calls rn. 

i still feel like death but now i feel like death AND failure

great

snekplay replied to your post “I think a lot of the time when i’m going “this is really fucking…”

Honestly the weirdest part is that those stories of kids w razor blades in their apples and poisoned candy are all familial abuse/murder attempts?? It’s kinda fucked up that family does shit like that to each other and our reaction as a society is “trust family and always b suspicious of strangers” …..I may have misunderstood ur post oops

I… had heard about people doing that after it happened in the early 90′s etc, because they were fucked up, but like.
It happened up here. A lot. And it keeps happening. 
There are families that don’t trick or treat anywhere else but the haunted house we [the fire department] put on because there was a rash of people lacing homemade candies with chemicals and then putting them in bags, and mixing them into people’s candy bowls that they leave out on their porches. Because old people can’t always come to the door.

There was one guy they arrested a while ago shot some toxin or another into as many pumkins as he could at the local store– they’re stored outside bc it’s easier to keep them cold and most people get them to make pies and eat them, and get jackolantern pumkins from growers. About 5 families were sickened and like they weren’t too messed up bc they really only got sick because it was a case of “we didn’t notice till later” and the other people who bought the pumpkins were just “there is a spot” and tossed it.

Like yeah, people pull shit and insist they had no idea why shit was there, but idk if its just my area or what, but a lot of people up here just wanna watch the world burn i guess

My little brother has a lot of nerve slamming things around after asking me to buy him things.

I asked him for a glass of water and to toss some trash because i was feeling Bad and he started that general male [forcefully grabs things, smacks things into one another] shit and i just “dude why”

and then going “nevermind” instead of telling me. bruh

Sometimes i really worry that i should clarify that for a long time, Fallout 3 was how I channeled literally all the violent impulses and shit that my brain cooked up that i knew damn well acting upon them would be very, very, very bad. 

So in high school i sat there with Fallout and I poured my energy into running around the Capitol Wasteland doing things and when my brain would determine the best way to deal with someone in school was to throw them bodily through a window– i would bottle that up, place it into a box and put it away to be let go while i was playing my games. So i could actually function.
Because if i did somethign physical to channel it, like martial arts once i got into high school, i broke things.

Namely, myself and metal doors. 
I kicked the door off the annex in Junior High and fucked up my ankle so physically channeling was not good.

So like i devote a lot of energy into being a very calm, careful, caring, and gentle person in my day to day. 
In my video games if i’m stressed to hell, i tear shit up.

Thus the melee etc posts and now me sitting here fidgetting worrying people think i’m rather violent and i’m NOT i just let off steam that probably looks like i enjoy that more than i should. nn

You know what nah, 2017 is not the year i sit here and try to play nice.

I had to sit there comforting 3 little girls while they worried if they’d be fucking homeless, and then make sure my brother got to school, then see if my grandmother was going to fucking live through the night.

I did not do that and live through waves of people trying to kill me as a kid, my body and my mind trying to kill me as i grew up, and then the world doing it’s damndest to fuck me up as an adult to sit here and baby a fucking teenager that is Not My Goddamn Problem.

If me liking Anders makes me a bad person, fucking fine. If me not wanting to agree with some pissant that was badgering me through post after post after post and was willing to go fuck with my mutuals to get them on their side, makes me a bad person, well shit i’ll have things to go seek forgiveness for come the holidays! 
Mok’ll be over here less important than some whiny ass teenager that didn’t wanna read a wiki or go through some fucking meta posts before shooting their mouth off. Ain’t the first time i ranked less than somefuck outta nowhere.

I’m not doing this bullshit. I’m fucking not.

anonymous asked:

I'm sorry people are being sshifty.I really hope you don't stop posting original posts. It can be super confusing to have people react like things you've always known are dangerous are harmless, and things you've always seen as harmless are dangerous. I'm sorry people are reblogging posts you don't want reblogged.

Thanks nonnie.

I know part of my reactions are probably me being hyped up because i slipped on ice going down my front steps yesterday and my legs twisted out behind and under me, but i still landed on my knees and left palm? I hit with my right fist and hardest on my right knee and my fist and right knee dented the ice so bad i could see the welcome mat under the couple inches of snow that were under the ice. Mom had me go shopping after so i had to walk on it and lift things? And then i had to babysit so i was dark all day and just a mess physically and mentally?
It kinda felt like i’d gotten into a dust up and damn have i not felt this keyed up in a while? Like it was probably adrenaline yesterday and it took almost all my control to take care of the girls [3, 6, 13 iirc? idk its late and everything hurts] and not yell because they were yelling and holy crap. And today everything hurts like someone took a meat mallet to me and i’m in this weird “if you twitch toward me, i will know and i will Know” state.
I can’t straighten out my foot, it’s stuck pointing inward and it’s like i have shin splints but it shoots up and around my thighs. My arms feel like they’re separating in the forearm. My right shoulder feels dislocated.

Like i am 90% sure i played overwatch ok because i was laying in a chair and studiously ignoring it. 

I am just. it’s really hard to tell how much of this reaction is “i am confused/im confused because pain/im in pain and am being a dick because my filter is really damn thin/im in pain and my brain is upset the words im using arent getting this across faster

and i get to go to therapy like this too! joy

alyssabethancourt replied to your post “I think a lot of the time when i’m going “this is really fucking…”

That all makes sense as part of your lived experience. I can get how it would seem weird to you that none of that is part of mine. I’m just… from a different place?

That’s.
You’re missing the entirety of what i was saying in the post.

I am fully and entirely aware your ball of “shit you know and experience etc” that little sphere that is your life? Completely fucking separate from my lil ball of life. I am under no delusions it overlaps. 
However, what i was saying, was that when I process information– like everyone else on this forsaken rock in space– while i do the ‘i know they have different things going on’ my anxiety kicks in and assumes the dangers i grew up with are a semi-blanket statement and universal constant, even if other people didn’t personally deal with them.

So yes, i know you’re from a different place. I am fully fucking capable of processing the concept of people being from different geographical areas and having different experiences. I took that class, read that 3k page text book and aced that class. I am aware.

The post itself was mainly going “i am an anxious mess that literally cannot help but think the world is full of evil bent on doing harm upon people, because I have been shown time and time again that that is the truth, and when faced with a situation where it is either not true or people react like something totally innocuous is Bad it personally throws me.”

Like how someone, somewhere, grew up never having to worry about their elder brothers killing them in their sleep because my g-d they dared to have a bedroom in the same area as their parents military memorabilia. 
Or like how it throws me someone can be terrified of things that to me are totally safe and then be calm about things that were literally used to torture me. 
Or like i cannot physically fucking fathom a happy family life and am 100% sure people are lying to me when they insist those exist. 
Or that people camp in the woods and don’t carry at least five knives in case of people wandering around or wildlife. 

I honestly don’t give a fuck on the grand scale, it’s not that important to me unless someone is personally involved with me– i mean happy home lives and wellbeing aside, really– it just fucking throws me. 
It comes off like i’m arguing with people, like i’m being a dick, like i’m saying they’re wrong. 
I’m literally just confused out of my fucking mind because i was kept in the equivalent of a cardboard box made out of fear of my fellow fucking man for most of my natural life so excuse me if i get confused about shit. 

Yes, you’re from another place, i got that about 3 reblogs ago and the several ? marks about things weren’t me talking shit. But me being confused and no one giving a fuck isn’t new so what the fuck ever.

In Mok News, Stupid Ass White Men edition:

my father made the executive decision, after swearing he wanted nothing to do with the estate or my uncle, went up to my late grandfather’s house and paid my uncle [the executer of the estate] $200+ dollars in our family savings to buy almost every bullshit item in the kitchen, a desk we have no space for, a book, a knife, and appearantly uncle charged him most of this money for family photos my uncle didn’t even fucking want and was going to burn/throw away.
My mom had gone with him and the only reason, appearantly, we are not $800 out is because my mom kept putting shit back after dad picked it up, that or pointing out we didn’t have room for them. 

I have been gifted the Italian to English grammar book my great grandfather [i think, i can’t remember right now] had when he and his family came to America fleeing Mussolini. There’s things put between the pages, letters in some places, decorations in others, a dried flower almost fell out along with some of the pages. The spine is shot from age and use so i’ll have to look through it again tomorrow. Dad gave me a collectors knife from the 50′s to make himself feel better that grandpa gave us [me and lil bro] nothing. 

Mom and i spent most the afternoon trying to figure out how shit was going to be stored and couldn’t find anyplace for most of it. 
Mike [my shit violent half-brother for the new people] is making violent threats again, because my uncle isn’t giving him more things even though he got exactly what he was willed. 
Joey [other shit halfbrother who is responsible for million dollar debt on the estate] is trying to keep breaking into the house because uncle isn’t letting him decide what gets sold because he thought he’d get to sells shit and take the money and run. George isn’t letting him dig a deeper hole and it’s turning up the strife up there.

And dad won’t stay the fuck out of it. 
There’s also calligraphy ink and things in this damn desk and i know better than to let them get tossed but at the same time i don’t do caligraphy so it’s a “what do”.

ALSO there’s a giant fuckoff framed portrait of grandma, George, and dad ok. Then a picture of mom, my half brothers, and dad ok. 
We [me and lil bro] have our school pics. and like thats it. 
I had to pull teeth to get my dad to ALLOW me to frame my goddamn college and highschool graduation photos and display them. 
But you bet your ass those pictures he brings home will all get framed. They’ll go up. 
And we’ll continue to exist only as baby pictures. 

im just

nnnnn 

Do you ever feel like you know you shouldn’t yell because someone doesn’t know better, but you’re on your last nerve because you’ve been through some shit today so it’s just a “life has predisposed me to want to snap your fucking neck over the last hour and a half. i have not done so via text because you literally do not realize you are about more annoying to me as some people who have tried to literally kill me, because to me you sound like a fucking idiot but you are a child and as an adult i can’t tell you to go get fucked by a sandblaster without feeling bad about it.”

like does that ever occur to anyone else

is that just me

am i the only one who is ever consumed with all covering rage when people won’t take the hint to fuck so far off i would not be aware if they were to sink into the sea and become seafoam