reasons i cry myself to sleep

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I have left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
I’ll start to think you’re only with me because you’re scared of what will happen if you left, so I’ll slowly start pushing you away.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.


Aries: They start off the day with loads of “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe” messages from various unimportant people which feels pretty good at first, but as the day goes on they start to feel empty because they don’t have anyone that they truly care about.

Taurus: They don’t really mind the fact that they’re single on Valentine’s day because it’s just another day in the year. UNLESS they just got out of a relationship… if that’s the case then they’ll probably end up wallowing all day and listening to sad songs.

Gemini: There are two types of single gems on Valentine’s Day. Type one won’t even acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day and will just go on with their life as usual. While type two is just devastated that they are single and will probably text a few of their exes to try and have some fun later.

Cancer: Probably will lock themselves inside all day to avoid the cute couples and Valentine’s Day decorations. Also, is most likely to cry if they see either of those things. 

Leo: Are these guys ever really single on Valentine’s Day? Secret admirers and/or best friends are always around to give them small gifts, chocolates, or cards… They enjoy every second of Valentine’s Day- single or taken.

Virgo: Chill AF, they don’t waste time with sadness or hoping for a significant other to fall out the sky. They probably have plans to hang out with close friends or family later in the day because Valentine’s Day isn’t about being in love it’s about being around people you LOVE, right?

Libra: “Alright everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day, I may be single this year, but that’s no reason for me to be bitter over everyone else’s happiness. I’ve decided that I don’t need false validation to be happy today, I’m going to wait for my soulmate to appear. I need to love myself before someone else can love me. Good luck to all the couples out there xx” - Libra’s Facebook status. However, after they finish post this they proceed to cry themselves to sleep because of singleness.

Scorpio:  VALENTINE’S DAY WAS INVENTED BY THE GREETING CARD COMPANIES. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO CELEBRATES VALENTINE’S DAY IS STUPID AND IS BEING FOOLED BY CAPITALISM! … someone please rise from the ashes and date me. - Scorpio’s mind for the full duration of Valentine’s Day

Sagittarius: A part of them is super chill about being single because relationships are too stressful, but hearing everyone else’s romantic plans on Valentine’s Day can depress them a bit. They’ll get over it after a while though and go to the movies with another hopelessly single friend.

Capricorn: They will try their hardest to come across as not caring about the fact that they are single, but on the inside they’re evaluating all the relationships they had over the past year. What went wrong? Why did it go wrong?  Nothing is my fault right? RIGHT…

Aquarius: The Valentine’s Day party-pooper along with Scorpio. However, they’ll go out of their way to let people know how stupid Valentine’s Day is. You see that angry couple walking down the street? Yep, they just got a lecture from our dear friend, Aquarius, about how stupid they are and how meaningless Valentine’s Day is.

Pisces: They’re crying all day, not just because they are single, but also because they have to wait one more day for all the Valentine’s candy to be on sale.

I just reached the episode about Clay’s tape (finally, it was Tape 9 in the book I swear not Tape 11) and I have to stop the binge watch now because I am so drained, I think I’ve cried a river of tears. Just like when I read the book, I’ve never felt so sorry for someone as when Clay finds out he’s only there because Hannah needed him to hear her story; she needed him to know why. It wrecks me every time.

Originally posted by kiamkiamkiam

Maybe you’re like me tonight

Maybe you’re scrolling through tumblr to numb the storm that’s raging in your heart and wasting time until you can fall asleep

Maybe you’re laying on your bedroom floor in surrounded by your tears and consumed by your fears

Maybe you’re crying in the shower for the tenth time this week because you can’t face your family or your roommates or your husband or your wife or your boyfriend or girlfriend or yourself with tears streaming down your face

Maybe you’re crying over the same stupid boy for the millionth time and hating him because he’s made it so very clear he’s happy with someone else

Maybe you’re crying because everyone else is married or has a boyfriend or has their life together

Maybe you’re thinking of just ending it all

Maybe the thought of not having to face another day seems like the best option of them all 

Maybe you believe in Jesus like I do

But maybe sometimes you question Him and you question yourself and you question your beliefs and you question your faith and you question every. single. thing. that comes into your mind.

Maybe the darkness of depression won today and the light of Jesus wasn’t shining as bright as it has before.

Or maybe you’re spending the evening surrounded by your closest friends and laughing until your stomach hurts or drinking the night away

But maybe, just maybe, deep down you feel it too. 

Tonight I cried in front of my mom for the first time in a very, very long time. You see, she struggles with depression too. And I’ve just recently found the strength to talk to my doctor and my boss and my best friends about the darkness that is depression and how it’s overtaken my life lately. But I haven’t told her. I can’t tell her. I can’t let her down. I can’t let her feel like she’s failed anymore than she already feels she has.
She held me and I cried and I shook and I got mascara all over her shirt. Bless her soul. 

She picked my head up and she said to me,
“You are strong. You are beautiful. You are smart.”
“Everything will be alright. And I don’t know what that looks like.”
“There’s more to life than boyfriends and babies.”

So through my teary, teary eyes let me pick your head up, even for just a moment.

YOU are strong. YOU are beautiful. YOU are smart.
I don’t know what alright looks like for you, but I know it will be all right. 

Let me pick your head up through a computer screen and typed letters and a very long post. Let me pick your head up because I know heads can get so heavy when they’re filled with sadness and darkness and racing thoughts and brokenness. 

I wish I could give you a reason to stay here on earth for just one more day, but I’m honestly struggling to find one for myself tonight. I do know, that whoever you are, where ever you are, you have worth. And I do too. And maybe tomorrow will be brighter. Or maybe we’ll cry ourselves to sleep again. Let’s hold on, together, for whatever reason, for one more day.

Anonymous asked: “ Mom I feel like I should be a boy, but I like feminine things. I love my long hair and nails, makeup, ETC but I have top dysphoria as well as bottom. I feel confusing and ‘attention seeking’ because that’s what I’ve been told. I cry myself to sleep because I just wouldn’t feel right as a masculine man or a feminine woman.

My dear lgbt+ kid, 

(I decided to answer your question like this because I wasn’t sure if you were alright with me publishing your URL.)

Do not worry: You don’t need to be a masculine man or a feminine woman! 

There are plenty of people who are neither (including me!), and here’s some reasons why: 

1. There’s a difference between identity and presentation. People of any gender can present feminine, masculine or neutral (or mix it up). When we talk about presentation, we mean things like hair and clothes - Girls, boys and nonbinary people can all like to wear long hair and make-up and present in the way that’s traditionally considered feminine. Feminine presentation is not only for girls! 

2. Clothes are simply fabric you put on your body. They do not have a gender. A boy is not less of a boy because of the kinds of fabric he decides to put on his body, and the same goes for every gender. 

3. It is possible to be neither 100% boy nor 100% girl. You could be both or neither or something else. A umbrella term for this is nonbinary and here’s a list explaining many gender identities. I’m not saying that this definitely applies to you but I believe it’s important to keep this option in mind. If you feel like neither girl nor boy fits, you may be nonbinary and that would be okay! 

Long story short: Keep loving your hair and nails and make-up (I’m sure all of those things look great on you!) - it does not invalidate your gender at all, no matter which gender it is. 

You are certainly not attention-seeking, my dear. There are so many people who have the same thoughts you have, there’s nothing weird or wrong about it. 

i’ll add some resources for questioning kids for you: 

I wrote a letter with advice for my questioning or confused kids here.

Here’s my letter to my kids who question their gender.

You may also like my “It’s okay to not have figured it out.” letter.

I also have a “Questioning” tag.

A really great guide written by @transgenderteensurvivalguide that I recommend: “What am I?

Last but not least: You started your message off by saying you feel like a boy. That’s all you need to identify as a boy. You don’t have to know for a fact or be 100% sure it’ll never change. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with trying that label on for now - don’t drive yourself crazy with “but” and “what if”. If it doesn’t fit, you’ll notice and can still change it accordingly. Don’t be afraid to simply play with it a little, try to have some fun with discovering this part of yourself and learning more about yourself - it’s exciting!  

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Mom 

sentence prompts ➝  the vampire academy
  • ❛ Do you think I’m pretty? ❜
  • ❛ I think you’re beautiful ❜
  • ❛ You are so beautiful, it hurts sometimes. ❜
  • ❛ Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies. ❜
  • ❛ I wish… we could be together. ❜
  • ❛ Then why did you lie to me? ❜
  • ❛ I need to protect her at all cost ❜
  • ❛ Did you see that dress? ❜
  • ❛ Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance? ❜
  • ❛ She might be wild and disrespectful, but if she has potential ❜
  • ❛ Wild and disrespecful?  ❜
  • ❛ Who the hell are you anyway?  ❜
  • ❛ You beat up your dad. ❜
  • ❛ I’d chucked my book at out teacher and called her a fascist bastard. ❜
  • ❛ I hadn’t known what those words meant, but I’d known how to hit a moving target. ❜
  • ❛ If you’re going to think about me naked, do it on your own time. ❜
  • ❛ If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around. ❜
  • ❛ The greatest and most powerful revolutions often start very quietly, hidden in the shadows. ❜
  • ❛ Don’t you ever touch me again.  ❜
  • ❛ You screw with me, I’ll screw you right back. ❜
  • ❛ I’m really not good with impulse control. ❜
  • ❛ I don’t believe in angels ❜
  • ❛ I believe in what I can do for myself. ❜
  • ❛ I didn’t like having reasonable arguments thrown at me. ❜
  • ❛ Oh, so that’s why you’re up here. For a pity party. ❜
  • ❛ This isn’t a joke. I’m serious. ❜
  • ❛ You actually did okay. ❜
  • ❛ I had a standing arrangement with God: I’d agree to believe in him—barely—so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays. ❜
  • ❛ How do you feel right now? ❜
  • ❛ I hurt like hell. ❜
  • ❛ You’ll feel worse tomorrow. ❜
  • ❛ The battle cry sort of gave you away. Try not to yell next time. ❜
  • ❛ I find more peace with you. ❜
  • ❛ Love and loyalty runs deeper than blood. ❜
  • ❛ Open your eyes. ❜
  • ❛ Don’t go to sleep on me. Not yet. ❜
  • ❛ Don’t worry, I won’t bite. At least not in the way you’re afraid of. ❜
  • ❛ Were you really going to attack all of us? ❜
  • ❛ What’s with all the running, anyway? ❜
  • ❛ If you try to turn me against them one more time the stories are going to be about you bleeding because I’ll have ripped your throat out! ❜
  • ❛ Still breaking hearts? ❜
  • ❛ I don’t think this stuff it working. ❜
  • ❛ We take what what we can get. ❜
“You’re so lucky” I hear it all the time. But what am I lucky exactly about? Lucky to be crying myself to sleep at night? Lucky to be full of anxiety all the time? Lucky to hurt? there is nothing lucky about being in a long distance relationship, specially one where your loved one is deployed. Worrying becomes a daily thing, there are times where weeks go by before they even get a chance to call you, and sometimes life happens and for whatever unfortunate reason you miss their call and that feeling of dread kicks in. It’s constantly looking at your phone checking for their emails, for anything that they could send you…I guess in a sense I am lucky. Lucky to have met him, lucky to be loved by him, lucky to have someone to miss, someone to love..But I am unlucky because I don’t get to hold him when I want, I don’t get to call him when something good happens, when something bad happens, I don’t get to kiss him goodnight or watch the sunrise with him. Waiting is a big part of my life. Patience is another.
Every one keeps asking me, ‘What’s wrong?’
I always lie & say nothing. I wish i could tell them everything, tell them that nothing’s right.
I want to tell them what you did to me, and how 4 years later it still affects me, and that it’s not getting better. I don’t think it ever will.
I want to tell them that the boy i gave my all to just got up and walked away from me, as if i was nothing, as if what we had was nothing. And now, i don’t think i can love anyone the way that i love him.
I want to tell them that i constantly think about suicide, and that sometimes i almost go through with it. But i never do because i’m not strong enough. It sucks not being able to have the courage to end it but not having the courage to face your problems either. I think part of me doesn’t go through with it because i don’t want to hurt everyone around me even though most of them are the reason for my pain, plus i doubt some of them would even notice, let alone miss me.
I want to tell them that i feel so alone, that i feel as if no one understands me or knows what i’m going through. No one knows what it’s like behind closed doors, they don’t know that i cry myself to sleep every night praying that i don’t wake up to see the day, they don’t know that i’m only calm and filled with relief when i see the blood pouring out of my cuts, onto the places where your hands have been. Except they were clean back then & they weren’t painted with red drawings.
I want to tell them that i’m not okay, that i haven’t been okay in a long time.
But i choose not to because i know that no matter what they say, they can’t make this better, they can’t make me feel better. I don’t know if they realise but i’m slowly distancing myself from them each day so that they no longer get the chance to ask me ‘what’s wrong?’ and i no longer have to lie.
10 reasons to stan ToppDogg like only a trash can would do.

1- Instagram

Can you name a better feeling then going to sleep peacefully, after a good stalking session? Probably not, right? And surely the best way to stalk our favorite k-pop group and our bias, having an Instagram account is the key. Close-ups of their flawless face, heart felt captions and pictures of our bias everyday life are all reunited in one single application which is: Instagram. But, what happens when our idols don’t have Instagram? That’s right, we cry. But, no more “crying myself to sleep” with ToppDogg since THEY ALL HAVE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT. How cool is that?

A-tom: @8eomatom
Yano: @yfyanoseo
P-Goon: @pppppgoon
Xero: @xerozh
Hansol: @paradise930615
Nakta: @Kinda_syc
Hojoon: @thehjjxxn
B-Joo: @bbangjooo
Sangdo: @ssddrr
(He’s not in ToppDogg anymore but make sure to follow him too) Kidoh: @kidohgangdol

2- Jawlines sharper than a saber

I don’t think you are ready for this sight. The first picture is mainly the reason why I started loving Xero like there’s no tomorrow, how can a jawline this sharp exist?

Do I need to say anything more? 

Originally posted by annlka


Originally posted by annlka


Originally posted by annlka


3- More for your money

You might have realized it with the Instagram accounts but I’ll say it again. ToppDogg has a total of 9 MEMBERS. Which means… 9 reason why your life is a mess. 9 reasons why you are going to hell. 9 reasons why you’ll go to sleep at 4 in the morning instead of 10 pm. Here’s some picture/ gif of some of those members.


I have that photocard lol I’m so happy (Nakta)

Originally posted by nabiso


Originally posted by p-guns

4- The vocal line is no joke

This performance of Hojoon signing Justin Bieber’s “love yourself” is the reason why I decided to do this post. His voice is like honey gently spread on a toast: Heavenly. I’ll like it here. There’s also some clips of the members, the cuteness of this video is off the roof send help.

5- They are messier then my bedroom

Seriously I could link any compilations of “ToppDogg funny moments” but one that made me laugh ‘till I cried. Here’s the link. I’m telling you it’s the funniest thing on earth mark my words. But if you put 9 best friends with girl’s clothes in a room, a mess is guaranteed.  

6- Diversity of genre in their songs

ToppDogg’s firstly a hip-hop group. But when they came out with their song “Cigarette” they left all ToppKlass shook. They went from “If I came across them in a dark alley, I fucking run” style to “I can’t wait for you to meet my parents”. Only true kings can do that. With their latest album first street, they surprised ToppKlass again with a more accessible style that anyone can enjoy. This album is perfect for studying and for summer with its refreshing vibe. Give it a shot! My all time favorite songs will always be “The Beat” when I party and “Rainy day” when I’m feeling a bit more relaxed during gloomy weather. Link to the album here.

7- Breaking gender roles

Hansol surprised us all with a cover of P!nk’s “slut like you”. Sexy dance moves, lipstick and pretty boys/girls, all we need for a gender breaking cover. Hansol really did something great with this. Props to him! Here it is.

8- A-Tom’s hairstyle are total goals

He is so pretty, so is his hair. Doubting me? Look at all this hair goals and come back to me. 

Originally posted by jihoops

Originally posted by officerjenissi

How pretty can he get? CALM DOWN

Originally posted by yooneroos


Originally posted by longdistancefangirls

He has a better hairstyle then me wtf.

Originally posted by yuusangdo

Let me live boy

9- Reality shows

The best way to gain supporters, viewers and fans is by giving them what they want: TOPPDOGG BEING EXTRA. Reality shows are the best for this. They are not big enough to go on shows like weekly idol and such but they did a lot of “mini-reality shows” that can easily be found on YouTube. What I like the most about all those reality shows is the way they express idols true colors and the true friendship behind the group. It’s heart-warming to see them being themselves with their friends. You can also find A-Tom on Produce 101 season 2! Let’s vote for him and give him all the love he deserves. Here’s a gif of slutty A-Tom just for you.

Originally posted by fyhjjxxn

10- Hard working beans

Despite the lack of recognition, they always put ToppKlass first and provide us with quality albums filled with their love for their fans. They never stop giving their 110% in every comeback and I truly hope to see them again in the future with great songs, like they always do. ToppDogg Hwaiting! BUY THEIR ALBUMS YOU FOOLS. 

Originally posted by thehjjxxn

I don’t believe in fairytales.
When I was broken, nobody came.
No knight found my broken crown worth saving.
No fairy godmother offered me a kind hand.

When I cried myself to sleep and woke up
with red-rimmed and puffy eyes, nobody asked why.
Nobody blinked.
When I’d burst out crying for no reason or
when my laughter turned to uncontrolled sobs,
no one asked me if I was alright.
No one offered a hug,
No genie lent me three wishes.

In real life, sadness is not attractive.
  Nobody falls in love with a broken smile,
with a barely held together feature.

In real life, nobody listens when you cry for help.
They blame your constant tiredness to sleeping late,
and your nightmares to bad movies.

They scoff. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
or, “Go to your school’s counsellor, if you’re so desperate.”
or, “Is it because you gained weight?”
OR, “What, you’re gonna kill yourself or something?”
Or something, definitely.

They sent me gifts at the end;
a chocolate bar with hazels.
“The Power of your mind” and “Emotional Intelligence.“
And “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Teenagers.”
Things that yell out:

  They didn’t understand.
My life already was a big, fat self help book.
With pity looks and a floor filled with pulverized glass.
Not enough to hurt, but enough to kill you at the end.

I pulled myself back together.
By telling others the loving words I wanted to hear.
By meditating.
By making sure I ate healthy and enough.
By drinking tea before bed so no nightmares would come.

No prince charming appeared to kill the monster;
I grabbed him by the hairs and threw him back to hell.
I don’t believe in fairytales.

—  Rapunzel cut her own hair and used it as a rope down the tower. Snow White spat out the apple. m.v.r.     

These two scenes bookend 3x06, and there could not be a more perfect visual for what Ragnar’s life was like with Athelstan in it, and what it is like now that he is gone. From joyous planning, plotting, and playing together in the sand, to shattered and alone putting his beloved’s body into the ground in the span of a single episode…

It’s weird how something as mundane as someone jokingly bumping into me can trigger a shutdown or a meltdown. Happened to me yesterday, while i was trying to maintain my “Neurotypical mask” at work.

This person kept ramming herself against me, because i told her that she represented an “obstacle” between me and the person i needed to talk to (i was trying to crack a joke like NT tend to do, in order to fit in a little bit better.). Needless to say, i wasn’t really productive after that.

I left my work crying, barely able to walk or to think, and i went to my bed for the rest of the evening, curled up, tired and yet unable to sleep. This kind of thing tend to happen to me at least twice a week, for the most mundane reasons.

Yes, it’s frustrating. Yes, i often wish i could be stronger, more resistant. Yes, sometimes, i hate myself and i think of me as weak. Do I blame my autism for all of that ? Do i wish that my autism could just go away ? No. Absolutely not.

I blame society for its ableism. I blame this system for making me afraid to say the words “Please, don’t touch me like that, i’m autistic and it upsets me”.

I blame society for making me not being able to be upfront about my diagnosis, without risking to lose my job, my independance, my right to vote (i saw a documentary recently about autistic people in France. And yeah, one of them clearly stated that he was not allowed to vote…), my freedom.

Relatives of autistic people, ask yourself if the problems your autistic relatives are facing, and your own issues, are really due to their autism or if the real problem is the way society is shaped.

Society is putting a deep pressure on those who are deemed different (because of their disability, sexuality, skin tone and so on) and being “out” and proud about who you are and your difference is shameful and should be repressed, by society’s standards. 

Support your autistic relatives. Help them. Love them. Try to understand them. And, most of all, listen to them, whatever way they’re using to communicate with you.

And you, my dear autistic readers, here’s a reminder to you : you’re awesome, you’re so strong to handle everything that society is putting up on us and you’re definitely worthy of love

A Message for Someone in Need

Any of my followers, or anyone that may see this, who want to hurt themselves or end their own lives, please listen to my message. I know this may sound like one of those anti self-harm/anti suicide posts but I want it to be something more. So many people I know don’t believe how much they are worth. So many people I know want to end it all. So many people I know don’t think anyone would miss them. People believe that no one would miss them but it’s not true. My uncle didn’t think anyone would miss him, didn’t think anyone would care, didn’t know how deeply it would hurt everyone that loved him. So he ended his own life. And that cut deep. It cut to the bone. He didn’t know how badly it would effect us. He wasn’t there to see his big sister walk down the aisle. He wasn’t there to see his niece turn thirteen. And I cried myself to sleep on my birthday because of that.

Even if you think you are worthless, or that no one will miss you, you are wrong. Someone will miss you. I will miss you. I will cry for you because even though you don’t believe it, somebody cares. And if this isn’t enough, find a reason. Even if you think it’s trivial or mundane, its still a reason. Who will feed your pet if you’re gone? Who will water your plants? You are worth so much. You are amazing. You are loved. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please don’t kill yourself. Please. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. If you feel you can’t talk to people you know, I’m always here. I’m here to offer an ear that will  not judge you. I’m hear to offer advice or simply listen, if that’s what you need. Please live. Please live for me.