Every one keeps asking me, ‘What’s wrong?’
I always lie & say nothing. I wish i could tell them everything, tell them that nothing’s right.
I want to tell them what you did to me, and how 4 years later it still affects me, and that it’s not getting better. I don’t think it ever will.
I want to tell them that the boy i gave my all to just got up and walked away from me, as if i was nothing, as if what we had was nothing. And now, i don’t think i can love anyone the way that i love him.
I want to tell them that i constantly think about suicide, and that sometimes i almost go through with it. But i never do because i’m not strong enough. It sucks not being able to have the courage to end it but not having the courage to face your problems either. I think part of me doesn’t go through with it because i don’t want to hurt everyone around me even though most of them are the reason for my pain, plus i doubt some of them would even notice, let alone miss me.
I want to tell them that i feel so alone, that i feel as if no one understands me or knows what i’m going through. No one knows what it’s like behind closed doors, they don’t know that i cry myself to sleep every night praying that i don’t wake up to see the day, they don’t know that i’m only calm and filled with relief when i see the blood pouring out of my cuts, onto the places where your hands have been. Except they were clean back then & they weren’t painted with red drawings.
I want to tell them that i’m not okay, that i haven’t been okay in a long time.
But i choose not to because i know that no matter what they say, they can’t make this better, they can’t make me feel better. I don’t know if they realise but i’m slowly distancing myself from them each day so that they no longer get the chance to ask me ‘what’s wrong?’ and i no longer have to lie.