really long post

princessamericachavez  asked:

Hiiii congratulations on the follower milestone!!!!! Your blog is so cool and I really love it!!! Also this prompt even is do cool! If I may be super predictable could I ask for Fjorester + The Big Damn Kiss? :)))))

asdhjaksdhja thank you so so much!!! I love your blog also and do not worry at ALL about predictability, I sat down and banged this prompt out and I really hope I can do it justice!! :))

• • • • • •

“I don’t like this.”

“Me neither.”

“It’s a really bad idea.”

Jester’s shoulders sagged. “But this is it, you guys. This is where I’m supposed to go.”

The Mighty Nein stood in a meadow at the edge of a small forest. Bees hummed softly among the wildflowers by their feet, and the sky above was a clear blue, broken only by a few wisps of cloud. Sprawling fields rolled out across the distant mountains, and the thatched rooftops of the neighboring villages glimmered gold in the afternoon sun.

But the group’s attention was completely focused on the forest before them. Its branches formed an impenetrable shroud of lush, verdant green, that swayed gently as the breeze blew by. Jester brushed a hand against the nearest leaf, and it seemed to quiver slightly with anticipation.

Today was the first day of summer. Or, as most people knew it, the Zenith. 

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I saw some people saying that rottmnt having that many mutants takes away from the turts being outcasts but like…it doesnt?? Bc theres this whole mutant society that exists and has existed for who knows how long, and the boys grew up having no idea about it

So not only do they not fit in with humans, but now they even feel out of place amongst other mutants too- and something tells me that there is in fact something different abt the boys that we havent figured out yet

2

for the first time I step in Tumblr until now.. I met so many good people during the moment laughing with you all cry with you all.. I got so much thanks to you guys..

Thank you @laninex for let me have a such good time and finally feel the feeling of be loved tho this relationship didn’t end so well as I thought but still really thank you so much for teached me such a good lesson.

Thank you @nakaramaiyuki I’m sorry for doubt at the first time I’m sorry for not trying to understand you but even after that you still choose to be my friend be my good sister really.. Thank you so much for help me when I’m down over and over again.

Thank you @sai-shou for give me a great memory of ask mercy series I miss them but I still love you so much I wanna be your friend I hope one day we can truly be
I love you <3 and also thank you for created the discord server!!

Thank you @hawker-rawr, @hawker-rawr-is-watching-you your @ask-drunk-chara is one of the reasons why I step in Tumblr I’m so glad you enjoyed my every fan arts for you it means a lot for me.

Thank you @nikomochi You are really such a good friend you are a really great mentor I will never forget how awesome are those lessons hope to see you start another class one day ^^ and also you are a good game friendo love you~ <3 p.s. thanks for let me met Kira and syhraus I’m so happy with this X3

Thank you @syhraus you are a really good friend thank you for cheer me up while I’m feeling down you are also a good game friendo and I love your AU!

Thank you @kiralushia You also cheer me up while I’m feeling down you are also a good game friendo I love your stream so much!! tho I barely can’t understand any of it XD but I love your art ~ you are an amazing precious artist!! I love you !!

Thank you @kriegerragrath you are my big cute friend I have no idea why after all those weird things I did to you you still can be my friend XD but you are awesome sweetie I hope we could met one day! love you ~

Thank you @underfellgoat, @teretr, @black-lakritz-dragon, @mmtmsansfan, @lama-m-z, @pokematt1, @random-blog-lol, @minieevee205, anon and so many others. Thanks for support me and cheer me up! and Thank you all for like my art I love you guys~!

extra : @darkriallet, @omnomyaki, @prismcloudcat, @discopanda2018 I love your art so much they are such well done works I know you probably don’t know me much but I love you all!!

anonymous asked:

Headcanons for Peter being friends with Dr. Strange's apprentice? Please and thank you <3

- You and Peter had met on a mission.

- There was an attack on New York and the Avengers and Dr. Strange were enlisted to fight.

- Being Strange’s apprentice, you tagged along.

- It was very chaotic. There were spells, webs, beams of light, and little red drones flying everywhere. 

- You and Spiderman ended up fighting close together. The enemy attacked him from behind and there was no time for him to react. You ended up casting a spell just in time and saved his life.

- From then on, you and Peter were good friends.

- He was obsessed with your magic and loved to watch you perform spells.

- Meanwhile, you loved to see the science behind his suit and his powers and asked him about it all the time.

- You guys saw each other on missions a lot and became really good at fighting side by side.

- Weirdly, your powers complemented each other and were extremely powerful when combined in a fight.

- When you weren’t on missions, you and Peter would hang out like normal teenagers and go see movies, go to the park, and study together at the compound.

- You didn’t always hang out at the Sanctum, because Strange didn’t like guests, but the times you did he allowed it because he and Peter were somewhat friends after the Battle of Titan.

- You and Pete also had a special bond because you were in similar situations.

- Both of you away from family, had weird powers and secret identities, and fought crime regularly. 

- Pete was always there for you and you were there for him whenever it got hard or painful memories resurfaced or you missed your family.

Oscar trapped in his mind?

I’ve been sitting on the few scenes we got of Oscar from the trailer trying to figure out what could be going on, and I thought of something new. What if a major conflict in this volume is that Oscar becomes isolated/trapped in his own mind; in simpler terms, trapped within a nightmare that he thinks is the real world but doesn’t realize it? 

Putting under a read more for its length~

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I am so so new to the Destiel ship! I have seen so many wonderful gifs and pics and fics on tumblr that i have started shipping them, but i have never actually watched the show! I want to start watching it now, but there are just too many episodes for me to start out right from the beginning. Can you or maybe some of your followers please tell me which episodes i should watch for the best Destiel content? I would love you so much!

Hello!

First of all, welcome to the destiel fandom, I hope you enjoy your stay, I’m sure you will, because is full of amazing artists, writers and bloggers. Well, I agree with you, spn is a really long show, I would recommend watching it all, but anyway, I’m going to try and make a list with destiel episodes and moments from the different seasons for you, so you can at least see the evolution of their relationship, and please understand that inside the plot of the season are destiel things too, I mean, actions and moments that are really deancas but don’t make whole episodes destiel episodes. If you need more help, or have any other asks about the plot of each season, that will be tricky to follow with just a couple of episodes, you can ask me about it too!

If you consider I forgot a destiel episode or moment, thing that I probably did, because there a many and I have a bad memory for things like this( and I have a special love for season 8-11, so I have probably forget about stuff from the earlier seasons), please tell me! Thank you! ❤️

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

hi i was wondering abt ur bipolar matt hc?? i never considered it so i wanna hear about it

oh wow i never really expected to get an actual ask on this since its just something i’ve thought about matt for a few years now and i’ve had specific instances ill try and recall the best i can. we all know matt struggles with depression but i specifically think matt suffers from bipolar because he shows clear signs of mania and hallucinations/delusions as well you get when you’re manic. i’m just going to focus on talking about his manic state because i think we are all familiar with his major depressive episodes. i see myself as a bipolar person in him a lot for this. the mania for example is how in some stages he just clearly follows impulse and doesn’t consider huge consequences and all for adrenaline, etc. i mean this is a pretty clear example of itself where you can just pretty much pick up any run and see him doing this and how he just hangs out/hooks up with and risks himself with dangerous people and getting involved in their lives. or just going at something he shouldn’t be doing and knows he shouldn’t logically but can’t follow through with thinking that so he does it anyway. there’s too many examples of him to count on following impulsive decisions earning himself the man without fear title because i don’t think he’s able to think it through due to mania half the time. 

he has suffered from delusions and hallucinations i can specifically recall from the frank miller run of his classic born again story. matt has a grand delusion that everyone is after him and he can’t trust no one due to fisk ruining his life but i think his manic state feeding in on how he cannot trust anyone and you can see here wrapping up into a paranoid manic episode which he can’t realize he’s going through

matt has a lot of emotions and irrational thinking such as wanting to kill kingpin for all this and hallucinating it a few times which he ends up losing time from the hallucinative state. he cant remember getting back in bed because he thought that he just simply went out and opened the door and killed kingpin but only was it a hallucination. hes not remembering how he slept in a manic episode here to me.

as well he lashes out at foggy but also is going back and forth from a range of emotions at him as well and ends up hallucinating talking to him on the phone due to this as well.

i think the miller run itself pretty much shows a lot of examples of how matt is bipolar flopping from a manic episode to a depressive episode and how he’s coping with it. 

another example i can probably think of is the mark waid run where matt is hallucinating his wife who’s locked away in a psych ward. this is due to a villain “causing” it but i still count this as a manic episode because hes going through a delusional state and losing his mind from it when the villain only moved a few things around to trigger matts hallucinating and delusions. the villain didn’t use powers to cause matt to hallucinate/etc as matt just did that on his own. he’s on a manic-like binge of trying to run around town figuring this out for a few days while everyone calls him crazy.

the mark waid run also shows some more examples of matt’s mania as well etc for more examples if you’d wanna look. i think matt is pretty much manic for a part of this run as hes trying to make progression and say hes not depressed, hes the “new matt” but this ends up being a bunch of fake feelings where he thought he was happy due to a inflated self-esteem and repressing of the feelings. i have to reread bendis’s run because its been a few years and i’m planning to go back and revisit so i can get a fresh view of it so i can’t pull anything from it.

what i’m getting at in all of this matt has a tendency to neglect sleep and hyper-focus on cases/things while as well having delusions and hallucinating. he also has a racing mind state of all these ideas and trying to do them at once and he does this with his court cases too in some places. he has a clear inflated self-esteem and makes himself cocky/confident as hell while crime fighting/taking cases/etc. he also lashes out at others in this state. if you read pretty much any long run such as millers, waids, bendis (from what i’ve heard), etc it’ll end up going around to showing it along with duel wielding his depressive episodes if you pay attention. i as well think season 3 has a very clear manic matt as i don’t really have the patience right now to go screencap and explain every instance since i already spent so long typing up this post. i’ve seen the season only one time while clearly thinking that i related to how i have manic episodes. other bipolar mutuals i have said the exact same of seeing it in matt and thought it and made posts which you’ve probably seen if you’ve been on my blog recently.

i tried my best to coherently explain this as it’s just a firm stone pillar of matt i pretty much see as close to canon for years now. i don’t know if anyone has any better posts about it out there but here’s what i just wanted to wrap up before i lose attention span on typing this up. its more of a personal thing that i get irritated to people referring matt to just having unipolar depression and insisting on it when there is plenty of examples out there for him experiencing bipolar disorder and i just showed a few and also gave some runs for you to dig if you want to get even more specific about it. i do feel confident enough to back this up and say it is close to canon or at least one of the most heavily bipolar coded characters i’ve ever seen. i don’t like when people reach really hard and say its canon because i do know i reach and have my own take on things/how i see matt but i can separate that from canon and respect other takes on it. again it’s just strong personal preference i practically see as canon from all these examples strongly hinting at it and the runs i’ve read but if you want to say matt just has depression (which is already canon) go ahead i’m not stopping you i’m just explaining my take on it but i don’t think it’s something that should be ignored since it’s a huge part of matt’s character.

Before I start this little spiel, I need you all to know: I’m not hating on people who don’t vaccinate their kids, and while I know for a fact BASED ON facts that vaccines don’t cause autism or other “defects”, I’m all for continuing research to make them even better and safer.

But you know what really, really scares me about the anti-vax movement? As a future Public Health Professional, the thing that scares me most about this is the fact that our cultural mindset has become so CHILL about vaccine-preventable/”childhood” diseases that there is even room for such a movement. Let me explain.

Do y’all know what an R0 is? The R-naught, as it is called, is the basic reproduction rate of a disease. It tells you how many new infections can come from one existing infection. For example, an R-naught of 3 (R3) means that, on average, one sick person will infect three other people. Every disease has an R-naught, some greater and some lesser.

Do you remember when everyone was freaking out about Ebola? Everyone was terrified of catching it, because it’s SOOOOO contagious and deadly, right? Ebola has an R-naught of 2. That’s it. R2. One person with Ebola, on average, will get 2 more people sick. And we were freaking out about that.

Well guess what? Measles is the most contagious disease known to mankind, and it has an R-naught of 18. 18. One person with measles will give it to 18 new people, and those people will give it to 18 new people EACH, and so on. That’s what happened with the Disneyland outbreak; it’s so ridiculously contagious that just ONE sick child was enough to start an epidemic.

And yet very few people are as scared of measles as they are of Ebola. Why is that? One reason could be the nature of the disease, sure; Ebola is terrifying in its progression and symptoms. But I would suggest that a major reason is that measles has been so well-contained by vaccination that people no longer fear it. It’s not a part of every-day life anymore; this disease is no big deal because nobody gets it, because so many people are vaccinated against it. Let’s put this another way.

What are the diseases that scare everyone the most: Ebola, HIV/AIDS, and SARS are pretty high on the list of terror diseases. But let’s look at the R0s, shall we: Ebola-R2. HIV/AIDS-R5. SARS-R5. 

Now let’s look at diseases that people are voluntarily rejecting vaccinations against: Measles, Pertussis, and Diphtheria are the major ones. Their R0s? Measles-R18. Pertussis-R17. Diptheria-R7.

Everyone focuses on the former set of diseases– rightly so, I suppose– because they’re more dangerous at the present time. What makes them more dangerous? Not their R0; it’s the fact that there is no viable treatment, and NO VACCINE. Seriously, that’s why the medical community is worried about them. There’s no way to treat or PREVENT their spread biologically. Well guess what? There’s no viable treatment for Measles or Pertussis, and only limited treatment options for Diphtheria. That’s why the medical community doesn’t focus on them as much, because we can prevent them at the biological level, safely and effectively.

But now that the Anti-Vax movement has taken hold so firmly, the medical community is now being forced to once more worry about diseases it had almost eradicated. And not only that, it’s endangering herd immunity for the people who can’t receive their own vaccines due to compromised immune systems. I’m allergic to eggs, so I can’t receive the flu shot, but I’m also asthmatic so I can’t get the inhaled vaccine. I rely entirely on the people I associate with to keep me safe from the flu by getting their yearly shot. This made public school a living nightmare, because almost NOBODY got their shot. They caught it, and while it didn’t affect them TOO terribly because they were generally healthy, when I caught it, it was very dangerous because of my asthma. And then there’s that time when I caught the flu, and then right after because of my weakened immune system, I caught Whooping Cough from someone who hadn’t been vaccinated. I HAD been vaccinated, but my body was so fatigued from the flu that it couldn’t keep up with immune demands. And so I caught it.

Have you ever had Pertussis (whooping cough)? It’s hard enough on someone with full lung capacity; it can break ribs, it makes you cough so hard. You cough until there is literally no air in your lungs, and you have to inhale so forcefully it makes the “whooping” sound that gives it the name. It’s painful beyond belief, and it can last for weeks. Some people will survive it. But add that to asthma, or to a young child, or to an elderly person, and you are looking at either permanent damage or death, no exceptions. When I had it, I was about 6 years old, and asthmatic; I spent 81 hours awake because the coughing was so violent I physically couldn’t sleep. I tore abdominal muscles. I vomited during coughing fits and aspirated the vomit. I was actively dying. The doctors could barely suppress the cough enough for me to breathe at all. My inhaler wasn’t helping, none of the cough syrups or breathing treatments were helping; I was getting pneumonia on top of the virus. It was Hell. I was LUCKY that I didn’t die.

Who would wish that on their child? Nobody, I hope. And if you KNEW you could keep your child from ever experiencing that, wouldn’t you do whatever it took to ensure their safety?

Or would you look at the safeguard and say, “Nah. I’ll take my chances with my child’s life.”?

That is what the anti-vax movement is doing. Perhaps not purposefully, but that’s the end result. These aren’t just names on syringes designed to make a child cry; the diseases are real, and real threats to health and life, and the vaccines are how you prevent them. Yet we are so far removed from the impact and effects of these diseases BECAUSE of the peace brought to us BY vaccines that people now feel no qualm about refusing vaccines.

That’s what scares me about the anti-vax movement; people have become so complacent that they no longer worry about these very real, very deadly diseases. They’d rather risk their child’s life than get a shot? The side effects of vaccines are unproven (nonexistent), but the efficacy of vaccines are very much proven.

When the pertussis vaccine first came out, people jumped on it right away. They were so grateful to have it, and for a while everything was smooth sailing, and whooping cough was on the decline. Then, in the 70s, some groups started claiming the pertussis vaccine was causing brain injury in young children. Less than 50 in 15 million cases were reported, but it was enough to scare people away from the vaccine. And children began dying again. It was later discovered that it was NOT the vaccine, but the result of infantile epilepsy, that caused the brain damage. People began once more vaccinating their children, but not before hundreds if not thousands had died.

And that’s what’s happening now. A falsified claim scared just enough people that time-tested, lab-tested, fully-proven, totally safe vaccines are being rejected, and we’re already starting to pay with lives. And I’m scared it’s going to get worse. People don’t really grasp the full import of these diseases and the necessity of the vaccines until they have experienced the disease. I’m scared that it’s going to come down to new epidemics before people will realize the mistake of not vaccinating.

Right now we’re still in the semi-safe zone. Enough of the population is immunized that we could probably keep most pandemics of these diseases at bay. But if this movement keeps gaining momentum, there might come a day when measles and pertussis could once again destroy thousands of people yearly. Imagine if some terrorist group weaponized Ebola and used it against this country; so many people would die, because we have no vaccine for it, no way to prevent it. That is what could happen with diseases like mumps, rubella, measles, pertussis, Diphtheria, and polio. Except it wouldn’t be terrorists using a disease as a weapon; it would be some kid in your child’s class, or your neighbor across the street, or the guy who delivers the mail to your office. That’s how life used to be, and if someone from the pre-vaccine era could see us now, they’d weep for joy at the idea that we can prevent these horrific diseases; and then they’d weep in sorrow at the idea that people are voluntarily turning down that safeguard.

It’s true, vaccines aren’t always 100% effective; I was immunized, but still got Whooping Cough (lowered immune function, if you recall). But you know who didn’t get it? My baby sister. My big sister. My cousins. My mother and father. My classmates, the other kids at my doctor’s office. The nurses at the hospital. The pharmacy workers. Their children. The kids my mom taught at school. All those people were safe because of vaccines. And you know what else? When I was in India, I was exposed to polio. Didn’t get it. Know why? I was vaccinated. I was exposed to chicken pox in 5th grade. One unvaccinated kid got it, and the other 4 kids in our class who weren’t vaccinated got it. But you know who didn’t? The rest of us who WERE vaccinated.


Vaccination may not be perfect, and the only way we will improve them is by continuing research. But the fact remains that as they are now, vaccines cause no lasting side effects (injection site pain goes away), and are extremely effective at preventing dangerous, painful, debilitating, often deadly diseases. Let’s keep researching, yes, but in the mean time, PLEASE vaccinate. It’s not worth your life, or your child’s, or anyone else’s. Vaccines save lives, not destroy them.

10

Sanji wanted some revenge after the gang teased him about his breakup (viola left him at a mc donalds lol) so he put sleeping pills to their dinner.
And soooooo, when everyone fell asleep…this happened

ALRIGHT BRACE YOURSELVES BECAUSE THIS IS A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG POST (literally, 40 images)

I’M SO SORRY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEASE FORGIVE MEEE THIS IS SO LONG OMG I’m sure y’all gonna be like WHAT BITCH PLEASE I AIN’T READING THIS THING but GIVE IT A GO I SWEEAR IT’S WORTH IT 

anonymous asked:

Would you ever do a simple tutorial of how you draw horses? I want to make centaur OCs but lord horses are difficult creatures to doodle 😭

Mmmm there are so many guides that cover what I do, and I really don’t do anything more than those. Still use the whole blocks and sticks and form building and whatnot. And a buttload of references. Anything I could say different would kinda step beyond the stage of simplicity?

To offer something though I would like, suggest tweaking the use of circles when it comes to drawing horses. Or anything, really. Circles are great and highly accessible for fast, general drawing, but few natural things are perfectly round. Look at a horse from the front or back - it’s square and flat and meaty and saggy too, depending on your angle.

So like, I dunno, if you wanna step it up a notch, try changing your use of building-circles into something like this

And especially practice being able to see these shapes in dimension

And then piece them together. The triangle will really help guide the line up. Highly recommend.

Honestly I just follow the same gist of Hubedihubbe’s quick tut (please check it out, very good points made, much cleaner, actually labelled) so I kind of feel like I’m parroting here but.. I break down the rest in lines and diamonds.

As a personal preference, I like marking in the shoulder blade to elbow and the hip to knee, as they create pretty important shapes towards horse recognition. If something keeps looking off, check your leg length. A super rough way to get a close idea of what you need can be found in using most of the shoulder block for a landmark? It’s not perfect maths, it’s a rough tell. The hind legs are then worked out via the red line, setting the hocks above the intersection across the knees 

And uh, it goes on from there. You gotta look at pictures, do the study, and learn the meats. No real other way around that part.

There’s a horse bod.

But the reason of learning how to see those shapes in dimension is so that you can push your poses further! Try piecing it together with your front-view knowledge. And look at references, always! 

Shoulders are pretty narrow compared to the belly and hindquarters, unless you start looking into the draft breeds - then both ends more or less square up together. But moving on, more leggies are slapped on that thing

And fleshed out with all that meat knowledge :P (I know I haven’t gone into heads but this was about centaurs anyway. This guy just felt like he needed one)

And when it comes to practice and learning, don’t be afraid to simply draw these shapes directly over an image. It will help familiarise you with how these base forms interact with one another, how far they can squash and stretch and look at a whole variety of angles. It’s just practice!

Doing that helps to gain a solid concept of the subject, so that when you do set out on your own you can find that convincing territory.


So hey, this has been a very long and terrible not-tutorial. More like insight or something, and would only be helpful if you’re somewhat familiar with horses and already got the fundamentals of drawing down pat, since I skipped over a lot

Haven’t drawn a horse before though? I recommend you the Shrimp method

Anyway, hope all this was kinda interesting

The Actual Meaning of #DropTheB

So, #droptheb has been blossoming as a movement recently.

Well, or, that’s what its postermakers would like you to think.

Basically the idea is based off of that one meme recently:

which is a completely idiotic slopfest on its own but that’s a different thing.

Basically someone on 4chan had the bright idea to make posters turning that from a shitty meme into a good facsimile of an inter-lgbt movement.

The posters look like this:

…yeah.

There are like seventeen of them floating around on twitter, and they’re actually working. This is because they’re made to target exclusionists, anti-MOGAI ppl, etc. who see everything new they don’t understand as MOGAI nonsense. To them, this seems exactly like something their oh-so-terrible MOGAI enemies would spit out. It’s also hinging on the recent discourse that’s been happening about why bi or pan are or are not valid labels.

The people who are doing this know what they’re doing, and they’re well informed about current discourse. That’s why it’s working.

Now, a 4chan movement to intentionally destabilize the LGBT community built on current discourse combined with invasive ideas expressed via digital posters on Twitter? Doesn’t that sound remarkably familiar?

Oh right, that’s because 4chan has done the exact same thing before justifying pedophiles being in the LGBT community using the term “clovergender”, which may I remind you was based off of

the 4chan logo itself.

Here are some screenshots from a Reddit post on the topic, with whitespace cropped out.

As you can see, even 4channers are tired of this shit.

#droptheb is an even scarier beast than clovergender, and that’s because of two reasons: Firstly, it works very well as a catalyst for preexisting tensions due to the bi/pan discourse. It’s provoking responses from many exorsexists and nb exclusionaries as well as bisexuals attracted to more than two genders.

Secondly, it’s spreading much faster than the clovergender “movement” ever did, and working very well to provoke discourse. I’ve seen it very earnestly argued over in places on Tumblr and Facebook as if it’s unironic, and people need to understand its true nature.

And I don’t need to mention the obvious, right? That to be bilingual doesn’t mean there are only two languages?

Anyway, I don’t often reblog bait, but I would like you and anyone else reading this to reblog in order to spread awareness of #droptheb’s malicious intent and its success in dividing the LGBT community. People need to be aware of this before it destroys the community.

‘all and then most of you, some and now none of you’

A Zimbits Soulmate AU

Summary: In order to save your intended from a cursed eternity you have to make peace with your personal demons. Jack Zimmermann has always been afraid of finding his soulmate for just that reason.

Word Count: 5k

Notes: Inspired by an old Shitty-Check-Please-Aus soulmate au prompt where when you meet your soulmate they turn into an inanimate object until you complete a ‘quest’, but the quest is really a journey of self-discovery. I finished this like a year ago but never posted it and I’m sorry. Title from Lord Huron’s ‘The Night We Met’

Ao3 Link Right Here



The facility his parents had selected was discreet: quiet, full of old money and older secrets. His peers don’t look like they’ve been abusing substances, but then again no one looks like anything. Even the most ragged junkies have veneered smiles and manicured nails; Jack is the one out of place with his sallow skin, hoarse voice, and shaking hands.

Today, he’s sitting in a circle of recovering addicts when he learns to be afraid of finding his soulmate.

They’re talking about grief —among other things — sourcing their addictions and finding their triggers. Emily, two chairs to Jack’s left, is a banking executive who has worn the same cashmere scarf every day he’s seen her. Today, she clutches at the fabric around her neck like a lifeline and introduces the accessory as Charles, her soulmate of ten years.

A strip of cashmere that at one point was a human being.

“I know when I get clean he’ll come back to me,” she insists, with only the barest hint of desperation, “just have to keep trying.”

Jack’s sudden urge to vomit can’t be blamed on withdrawal.

When group ends, James, who claims his family owns the mineral rights to the largest oil field in Alberta, jumps at the chance to gossip.

“She’s been in and out of treatment for years. Always the same story, ‘I’ll stop drinking’, 'I’ll stop taking pills’, but the universe saddled that poor bastard with a crazy and now he’s never going to be human again.”

Jack is wounded enough to internalize the jaded parts of James’ commentary. He thinks about his pills. His drinking. About the voices in his head that won’t shut up unless he’s imbibed enough liquor to knock out a man twice his size. He thinks about his parents: Bad Bobby Z, who spent a week on IR because Alicia had kissed his cheek for a photo op at some benefit and he’d turned into a wristwatch.

It’d hardly taken any time at all for Alicia to make peace with her demons — reportedly a fear of commitment but Jack knows better now — and Bob was back like nothing had ever happened.

Everyone finds their soulmate, everyone has to deal with the change, everyone has to look within for self-love and acceptance. That’s how it works.

Accept yourself, find happiness.

Except for those who don’t find themselves. People like Emily; the selfish, cruel, broken few who refuse to take responsibility for their actions, refuse to grow, to care, and damn their soulmates to stay objects forever.

Jack traces the small scab on his hand left over from the IV. He doesn’t want to be Emily. He doesn’t want to condemn some innocent person to an eternity in limbo because they were unlucky enough to have him as a soulmate.

He doesn’t want a soulmate. He doesn’t deserve one.

He was lucky with Kenny, even if Parse didn’t agree in the slightest. He can’t risk that again.

Jack takes that fear and tucks it away deep in his arrhythmic heart.

He doesn’t want a soulmate. He doesn’t deserve one.

_______

Junior year was always going to present problems, but a freshman afraid of checking is curse Jack wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy.

It’s been infuriating, to say the least, but they’ve made so much progress that Jack’s finally feeling like Bittle might have a handle on his phobia.

He’s still fighting his instinct to snap at the Frog, but he’s getting better, and after Bittle’s assist Jack has growing confidence that he’s done his part as captain to get Bittle up to the same level of his teammates. His speed alone may not get him onto first or second line anytime soon, but at least the kid won’t lose his scholarship on Jack’s watch.

"Alright, little lower, little faster,” Jack warns, confident when Bittle bends slightly at the waist and braces for impact. Jack drops a shoulder and slides into him just so, Bittle’s jersey riding up at the contact so Jack’s bare wrist grazes a sliver of an exposed hip.  

After weeks of dedicated checking clinics, numerous practices, shinnys, team meals, and a handful of games, it’s a miracle it didn’t happen sooner.

Bittle poofs away, leaving behind an oversized OYO figure with ‘BITTLE’ painted on the back of it’s tiny, red, Samwell jersey.

Jack stares at the toy for a full minute before nudging him with the tip of his skate. Distantly he can recognize he’s breathing harder than he should be, his own heartbeat ringing in his ears.

“Bittle, c’mon, we have to be out of here in an hour.” Jack pleads after a moment, annoyed at the tightness in his throat. “Please?”

This is wonderful. Terrible. Amazing. The absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to anyone.

Bittle doesn’t snap back. It’s all Jack can do to ease down against the boards, sprawling his legs on the ice to wait out what’s coming next. He stares at what used to be Eric Bittle, tries to breathe the way his therapist taught him, and lets himself shake.

When Jack comes back to himself, Bittle’s tiny plastic face is staring up at him, annoyingly cheerful. Jack’s legs are cramping at the awkward angle he’s contorted himself into, he can hear children laughing and checks his watch.

7:02

Jack has a headache, his ass is freezing, and his soulmate is a children’s toy.

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The Heiman Rant

It’s plainly obvious. Heiman is a toxic relationship. 

Heidi and Cartman were built on false pretenses, and therefore doomed to fail. Cartman’s a bad boyfriend. He’s terrible to her. We all want it to end.

But I think in our rush to see this bad thing that made us all so uncomfortable be done with, for it all to just go away, we forget what this relationship was like before it all went sour.

In our need to see Cartman return to his normal self, we never really stopped to look at his relationship with Heidi. How it functioned. We all just said, “bad. fake.” and waited for it to end.

I don’t know HOW many times I’ve heard “Cartman is incapable of being in a relationship unless he’s controlling the person, and Heiman proves that.” And that just bugged me. And I realized why.

Because Cartman WAS in a good relationship. And to start off with, it was a shaky foundation, sure, but nonetheless, he proved that he CAN be a kind, supportive person. 

In season 20 one of their biggest strengths as a couple was communication. They’d tell each other their plans, their hopes and dreams, even their worries. And it worked like a functional relationship. Cartman was relaxed. He hardly stressed out about anything. Hell, he didn’t even get mad when Kyle reminded him of the confrontation that alienated him from the group he was a part of. It was just so far out of his mind that he didn’t care. He was in a good place. And he would do anything to conserve that.

The Mars analogy in season 20 is symbolic of his relationship. A completely alien world to him, but one to make his own. He feels like he’s walking on air, and he’s mesmerized. 

And it’s not as if this relationship only benefited Cartman. Heidi was encouraged to realize how smart she was.

Whenever she was discouraged, Cartman told her it was unwarranted. To “get over” herself, which is a perfectly sound piece of advice. Her doubt was the only thing standing in her way. In the end she realized she was so smart that she could help a fucking space program create a massive amount of energy. 

It was a mutually beneficial relationship.

However, I do want to say that I personally believe this relationship was doomed to fail. simply because, as we see in Cartman’s Mars vision, Heidi is MILES away from Cartman. He doesn’t feel legitimately close to her, and that would’ve surfaced without anyone’s interference. 

 So let’s dive a little deeper in. Let’s ask the most obvious of questions.

What does Cartman think of relationships? 

 I’m sure most people would say “He thinks partners are supposed to be like Alexa.” 

But the answer is actually directly given to us, way back in season 16. 

In an earlier post I explain that Cupid Me is a manifestation of what Cartman considers love. 

Cartman tells cupid me that he believes in him, and that love can change everything. Very strong feelings about love.  

A bit surprising from Cartman, huh? But before the naysayers start insisting that “Cartman Finds Love was out of character!!!” I should tell you that Cartman has consistently admired the concept of love throughout other episodes

 In The Ring when Kenny gets with a girl named Tammy Warner, Cartman is invested in Kenny’s relationship and comments on how it’s “kind of beautiful.”

 In Tweek x Craig he is so invested in their relationship that he fantasizes about assisting them when they need it. In “Where My Country Gone?” he encourages Butters to pull a Lion King 2, while having an affectionate expression while Butters wooes Charlotte. 

 It’s entirely consistent that Cartman loves the concept of love and has specific ideals of what those should be. And it’s NOT an Alexa. Ironically he does ask Alexa what love is, which is sad to say the least. But he does understand at the end of that episode that what he has with Heidi isn’t love. 

But the point is, back when he thought he loved Heidi, he was pretty damn good at expressing it. 

Compliments.

Patience. 

Positivity, 

Support, 

Cooperation, 

and most of all, communication. 

 If Cartman is so incapable of showing love to anything unless he has complete control over it, how and why did he do that FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON? I mean seriously people. It’s not like he was possessed. He wasn’t being threatened. He genuinely believed he loved Heidi, and he had no problems spending time with her. Because he WANTED to.

And what he gave Heidi was probably one of the best relationships you can get as a 4th grader. I mean compare it to any other relationship we’ve seen on south park. Heiman – despite being obnoxious to those who know the “real Cartman,” – is easily the best a 4th grade boy has treated a 4th grade girl in this series. EASILY. It’s no wonder we see Heidi in the 21st season so desperately wanting her Cartman back.

That is – her reflection back. 

Because as cupid me says, “People who are the same belong together,” right? So that’s what Cartman did. Cartman and Heidi were polar opposites. So in order for Heidi and Cartman to work, Cartman became like her. 

Don’t get it twisted, this doesn’t mean he was lying about believing he liked her. It doesn’t mean he’s “faking” because he’s “manipulating her into liking him.” Everyone does this. Everyone in a relationship mimics their partner to some extent. Because the more we admire someone, the more we find ourselves taking on their qualities. Their laughs, their nervous habits, their interests, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Cartman’s reason for taking on her traits isn’t all involuntary though. You can see several times where Cartman gets shifty eyed, that he’s putting on a front. But the front is genuinely for the sake of conserving the relationship. 

And, for the record, the fact that when talking to Butters Cartman continues to put on his soft-spoken, well-mannered demeanor that he finds it admirable in Heidi. Note the shift in his voice. 

He wants that demeanor from Heidi because he believes it’s part of what makes her so likable. 

In this relationship, Heidi is the one being imitated because she’s the one being admired. She is the one making actions, and Cartman is the making reactions.  And in turn, she is functionally the one in control. Cartman takes control and pushes her to do things, it’s just in his nature to be assertive, but he too understands that when it’s all said and done, her whims are the deciding factor in the relationship.

And, he understands that if he wanted any semblance of a shot with this likable person, he couldn’t act like himself. When Kyle talks about “the old Cartman,” Cartman fidgets and takes a sip of his drink, subtly hiding his anxiousness that Kyle would even mention that in front of Heidi. Then he continuously changes the subject to distract Kyle. 

And this is where it all starts to go to shit.

Kyle is the first person to create/quicken the downfall of Cartman’s relationship (because of course he is.). When Kyle threatens to expose the meanest parts of Cartman’s personality, Cartman panics. 

We know now that if Heidi did see those things Cartman said their relationship could have easily recovered. Her patience with him is unmatched. It’s interesting that Cartman placed Heidi in such high regard that he thought her knowing he criticized a group of women would fuck him over. 

Shame is definitely not a new thing for Cartman, but shame towards his entire personality is. Cartman is so terrified of losing the relationship that he won’t risk being himself. He knows he’s lucky as fuck to have her, so much that he tries to go to a whole other god damn planet just to keep them together.

And what’s interesting about this is that the whole time, even though he’s lying, he still puts the care and effort into talking and expressing his feelings to Heidi. He doesn’t want her to worry, but to some extent, he can’t help but open up to her.

And this might seem like a minor thing, since he’s still lying to her and all, but it’s a polar opposite to his distance and refusal to communicate in season 21.

This is why I insist that the amount of heart that Cartman put into the relationship before shit hit the fan is praiseworthy. He’s putting effort and care into someone like he’s never done before. And it’s amazing.

And then Butters came along with a dialogue. 

The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They’re sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys’ only hope is to start over on Mars.

Which matched Cartman’s initial dialogue. 

The icing on the cake is, Butters also predicted that Heidi was doing all this to fuck him over.

That’s how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they’re the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you’re left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.

And for Cartman, who secretly glorifies and holds in such high regard – love – this resonates with him. Because his self-esteem is actually garbage. He knows he will never be with anyone, because he’s him.

In that sense, is it really so far fetched for Cartman to believe that Heidi was just playing an elaborate trick on him?

But Cartman, so genuinely enamored with Heidi, fights this initially. 

That is Cartman’s test. In order to prove to everybody (to himself) that Heidi is in fact, not tricking him, she must be smart and funny, which he believes she is. 

This of course, makes him nervous. He doesn’t want to believe that what he thinks about Heidi isn’t based in reality. Because to him, that would mean that Heidi is tricking him.

Cartman genuinely believes that Heidi is smart. You can see his two reactions here of what he thinks about both of those qualities in Heidi, respectively. 

When Heidi asks if Cartman believes she’s smart, Cartman doesn’t need any time to think about it. But when she asks about being funny, you can see his brain working, trying to search his memories of when she was ever funny. 

Because he’s so enamored with her, he laughs at whenever she says something mildly goofy. But when he looks back on it, it’s never funny. It’s so not funny that he can’t remember what the joke was.

But the concept of faulty memory is thrown out the window when he realizes that nothing she said would’ve been funny in real time. 

He genuinely thought she was funny. He equated his smiles and laughs of joy to her being funny. But with the rose colored glasses off, his claim of her not manipulating him falls apart in his eyes.

So by the end of the season, when all is said and done, we of course are left with a bitter, cold Cartman, who wants nothing to do with Heidi. 

In our first impression we might’ve said that he was buying into a conspiracy that Butters sold him, and is forcing the idea that she betrayed him because he wanted to believe the conspiracy.

But that’s not what this is. 

This is Cartman convinced that no one would ever genuinely like him. That of course after all he’s done, the only reason anyone would ever be with him, under any circumstance, would be doing it simply to trick him. And everything that Heidi made him feel, like the idea that she could make him laugh by saying anything, even though it wasn’t funny, was all part of her plan to bring him high up and watch him crash to the ground. 

Not because he actually believes that women want to milk men’s semen. The smart and funny test had nothing to do with that. 

His actions now aren’t him mistreating Heidi because he just can’t help himself. He proved for an entire season that he can. His actions are out of resentment.

In s21e01 he’s simply non-confrontational. He tries to make it work at minimum capacity – minimal communication, spending very little time with her, but her nagging makes him resentful. And yes, he places himself as the victim in this situation. In his paranoid mind, he is being unresponsive to not give her the pain she wants. Because he still feels for her. (I think that’s why he can’t decide whether or not he wants to break up with her.) 

But when she pushes, he lashes out. He hates talking about this relationship he once thought was great. But at the same time, he doesn’t want it to go away. Just the status of being in a relationship makes him feel good. He feels needed. He feels trapped, in that sense, and in turn even more angry that that “bitch” is trapping him.

But really it’s him struggling with his emotions, and she happens to be caught in the middle of it.

What Cartman does to Heidi is sad, and definitely sadistic. And to him it feels justified. But at the same time, I think he still believes the statement he blurted in the midst of his panic.

In his sadistic, projecting, paranoid little head, Heidi already accomplished what she sought out to do. Lift him up and knock him down.

For that brief moment in his life, he really experienced something beautiful.

And now it’s over. 

Because he destroyed it.

I think, and I hope, for the development of his character, that he knows that.

There are very few bi women who would be able to identify with “butch/femme”, and I’m thinking of overtly gnc bi women who only date feminine bi women or feminine women in general (and vice versa; feminine bi women who only date gnc/butch women). The broad and diverse range of bi women’s experiences cannot be encapsulated by butch/femme, because butch/femme emerged in a specific working-class lesbian bar context. It’s an entire subculture. Look at the fact: not even every lesbian identifies as butch or femme. So why the hell would most bi women identify with it? 

I know bi women are blamed for the spate of badly written “queer femme” articles and identifications, but we’re not the ones who caused that problem, and bi women are certainly not the only ones who engage in that rhetoric - femme lesbians, some pockets of nonbinary people, and even literal cishet women who identify as “queer” for who knows what godforsaken reason can engage in that rhetoric as well. 

The fact is, I have never felt a desire to identify with butch/femme, and I’ve never been able to relate to butch/femme beyond the common ground I share as a woman who also loves women and as someone with a complicated relationship with gender. And further, I’ve never met any bi woman IRL/offline who identifies with those terms. I know feminine bi women who are dating or have dated other feminine women/feminine bi women, I know gnc bi women in relationships with feminine bi women, etc. 

The only time I’ve ever heard a bi woman use the word “femme” is when one of my bi women friends was describing a date she went on with her girlfriend. And the context made sense: the friend in question is a biracial south asian bi woman, and my other friend, who was her girlfriend at the time, is a south asian lesbian who neither identifies as butch nor femme. However, my bi woman friend tends to be more feminine, whereas my lesbian friend is equally comfortable wearing masculine or feminine clothing. On the date they went on, my lesbian friend was presenting as more masculine, and so when the waiter came to give them their bill, he gave it to my lesbian friend. Both of my friends assumed that happened because my lesbian friend was perceived as the “butch” and that my bi friend was perceived as the “femme”. 

This example illustrates that in many contexts, bi women can be perceived as “butch” or “femme” when they’re in gay relationships and they are overtly gnc and/or their partner is overtly gnc. It’s a broader pattern of how straight people don’t exactly bother to specify their homophobic stereotypes all the time - straight people don’t know about the LGBT “rules of engagement” so they’re certainly not going to think “hm, this gnc woman is on a date with a feminine woman, but I can’t call the feminine woman a femme because she’s bisexual”. 

So in that sense, yes, it’s fallacious to claim that bi women have never had any connection whatsoever (material, historical, psychic, subjective) to butch/femme. 

My problem is two-fold: 1) when people assume that bi women have this evil desire to “steal” butch/femme from lesbians, because that’s simply not the case, and 2) when people (including other bi women) posit uncritically that butch/femme describes out material realities adequately.

I’ve been thinking about gender in relation to bi women for a while now, and have noticed that many bi women empathize with the confusion I feel about gender. More specifically, I’ve encountered that many bi women relate with my feeling that I cannot pin myself down as either “feminine” or “gnc”, because I fluctuate between both, especially when considering who I’m attracted to and who I’m signalizing attraction to. 

This veritable “swinging” between gender self-concepts is not similar to butch/femme. Thus, I don’t think butch/femme applies to most bi women, which is why most of us (who are disconnected from chaotic internet arguments and twitter soundbites) don’t at all feel that those terms apply to our experiences. Bi women need terms that encapsulate the ambiguity of gender self-concept that so many of us feel. We need terms that capture that fluidity. Butch/femme is an entirely different subculture because it is grounded specifically in erotic dynamics between women who only pursue women, and who generate comfort, solace, and community out of identifying as “butch” or “femme”. While this is obviously immensely helpful for the lesbian community, and perhaps occasionally relatable to specific pockets of bi women, it does not broadly or universally apply to bi women, considering the way bi female subjectivity is constructed and constituted today. Butch/femme is good for helping lesbians find a space given their oppression under patriarchy, but it cannot apply to bi women because it does not capture the ambiguity and the specific alienating invisibility that bi women feel due to how they are oppressed under patriarchy. 

I also believe that this of course stems from a misunderstanding - in both contemporary lesbian and bisexual communities - of what butch/femme is. Butch/femme isn’t just about what you wear or how you look. The reason my bi woman friend was perceived as “femme” is because she was on a date with a woman; thus the perception of “femme” existed directly in conjunction with her intimacy with another woman, one who is more masculine presenting. The specificity of that context is not universal or homogenous; it had nothing to do with the mere fact that my bi friend wears makeup or has long hair or wore a dress. And yes, there is a problem of gnc straight women accused of being lesbians because of general lesbophobia, but again, that’s because female gender non-conformity is always going to be punished, whereas gender conformity typically isn’t. 

To conclude, I am primarily interested in understanding how we as bi women can create terms and spaces for ourselves that adequately encapsulate the ambiguity of our material realities, and I am also interested in defending bi women from homophobic & misogynistic & generally dehumanizing rhetoric. 

Don’t interact with this post if you’re a transmisogynist, a biphobe, or a lesbophobe.