really short and looks like a hobbit

avelera wrote a Shrek AU a while back, and now that is all I see whenever I watch this movie.


“Listen, Dwarf. Take a look at me. What am I?”

“Uh… really short?” Bofur attempted kindly.

Bilbo growled. “NO. I’m a hobbit. You know… ‘grab your torch and pitchfork!’ Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Nope.”

“Really?”

“Really really.” Bofur’s smile was sunny and innocent, and Bilbo peered at him suspiciously before deciding he meant his words.


“I like my privacy,” Bilbo snapped in as dignified a manner as he could manage.

“You know, I do too!” Bofur chattered happily. “That’s another thing we have in common. I hate it when you’ve got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won’t leave, and then there’s that big awkward silence…”

Bilbo said nothing, and waited pointedly for the penny to drop.

“Can I stay with you?” Bofur asked after a moment.

That was not what Bilbo had been expecting. It didn’t quite make sense. Bofur… the dwarf… wanted to stay. With Bilbo?

After watching Bilbo’s dumbstruck expression for a moment, Bofur elaborated helpfully, “Can I stay with you… please?”


“Bofur! Shut up! It’s me, it’s Thorin!”

“Thorin? Oh, my god. You ATE BILBO!!!”

“What? No–”

“DON’T WORRY, BILBO. I’LL GET YA OUT OF THERE. KEEP. BREATHING.”