really just making this for myself~

concept: it’s early in the morning and you’re soundly sleeping still. i head into the kitchen to make you your favorite breakfast, smiling at the thought of your sleepy morning voice

I need to set myself free.

Hello,
to the dearest of friends.

It’s been a while, huh? I don’t know how many people actually wondered or even guessed what happened to me, but something incredibly moving and important just happened in my life.

I finally saw the truth and decided not to lie anymore.

I’ve been going to a psychologist. I’ve started to take meds to aid me in my daily life to confront anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I can say I’m really making some progresses, even though small.

I’ve always been different from other children, in particular from boys. I’ve had many problems dealing with some feelings that I couldn’t explain to myself or maybe I was too scared to actually deal with them.

I would always run away.
My dad left me at the age of 7. I was seven years old when he left me, my brother and my mother. I was envious of other kids relationship with their fathers.

Why was I the only one without one?
Years passed. I had to deal with continuing harrassment and bullying from my classmates. They would yell at me words that still hurts like poison: faggot. Pussy.

I’m still shacking while writing about it. Incredible how much pain some memories can deal to one person.

At the age of 16 I heard that my father died. It was like knowing a distant relative died in some kind of disaster. I didn’t feel anything, if nothing at all. I was still lying to myself about who I really was.

Suicide was the first thing I’d say “good morning” to and “goodnight” as well. The few friends I had didn’t know. I was alone and scared, ready to bid farewell to a life I didn’t think I deserve to live.

So much pain no one could ever describe.
Rejection.

I can’t seem to stop shacking.

But then, some light decided to touch my pale skin. The sun decided it was the moment to give me just a bit of its light, just because I was existing not because I deserved it.

That was all I was. Empty and scared, almost emotionally deprived if not from the most basic of instincts: fear.

I started to hang out with some of my brother’s friends. I was the elder brother but I seem I couldn’t even be that to my brother, who grew up with the strength I lacked and crave for.

Things got easier.
I got in a new class, with new people. People who didn’t harrass me I wasn’t wearing something cool or wasn’t making fun of me because of my behaviour.

I was free.
But still afraid of them.

I made new friends. I was appreciated and accepted. I was moved. I was grateful that I could even feel something as beautiful as joy.

Now those people chose their path. They were good people, supporting classmates and friends.

Suicidal thoughts returned to me, waving like sinister shadows at me. Anxiety came back as well. Two weeks ago I decided to defeat them, knowing that that would lead me to accept me for what I was.

The mere thought was scary enough to give me stomachaches.

My mother accompanied me. She’s always been a really comforting and supporting figure, as well as a mighty woman. I’ll always be grateful to her. After the meeting with the psychologist, a really professional and understanding man, I decided to change my life.

My mother asked me if everything was alright. I struggled to hold the tears. She was on the brink of tears as well. I was scared, afraid that she would see me differently if she knew, or not love me anymore, even.

But that wasn’t the case.

She said “I love you. No matter what.” firmly, like never before in my life I saw her like that. She didn’t just say “I care about you” but “I love you”. I felt so fragile and tired, but finally free.

Immediately, joy followed. Two days ago I told the truth to the two most important persons in my life: my brother and my best friend.

I cried so much while I was embraced by their understanding and I cried even louder when both of them hugged me. I felt so warm inside, laughter quickly grew in intensity from my mouth, like beautiful and strong flowers.

“We always only had each other, Loris. What brother would I be if I saw you differently just because you’re gay!” he said. “No matter what comes, we’ll be brothers for ever.”
I’m still trying to accept and understand the myself I always ran away from. I decided to meet him.
And also, decided not to lie anymore on this blog and to all those people I consider friends.

Yes, I’m gay.

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks now. He’s nice and kind and interested, what else could I want?

Why do I not feel attracted to him at all? I should see where this goes - sparks are a myth, I can surely develop some attraction to him at some point! Doesn’t matter that I get a panic attack every time I’m about to see him and have to force myself out of the house!

We kissed and I didn’t feel anything at all? That’s okay I was just nervous, surely it will be better next time!

This girl on the bus is really pretty! Oh gosh she’s actually so cute, I love her face, I wish I could kiss her! Oh my god, what if I’m actually gay?! That would make so much sense!

Lol no, I’m surely just overthinking things because I’ve got commitment issues and I’m scared of getting into a relationship with that guy! Straight as a ruler!!!

anonymous asked:

This psycox1890 and his buddy are making it really hard to find reasons to not hate Christians. No offense.

Targeting a single religious/social/classical belief system because of the actions of a few twats like this should be avoided in general. When you encounter them, just remind yourself that this really isn’t normal.

I myself was raised Christian (though I don’t follow the religion anymore.) And those who I was raised with and raised by are what I consider to be normal for the faith. That meaning, they are not judgemental loud mouths who walk around speaking of fire and damnation to people who don’t follow their belief system.

These people remind me more of the Westboro Baptist Church crack heads, who condemn everyone who doesn’t think the way they do. This should not be confused with all Christians any more than all Muslims should be called terrorists.

This would be counter to the message of Zootopia, as well. “We’re all imperfect. We all need to do better. Stop placing blame and start making a difference.”

This is how I see it.

anonymous asked:

hey are you honestly straight if so why are you so into wlw ships and such lmao

Yes I am straight. I’ve tried to explain this before but I’m not really good with words. In terms of wlw on television I find myself more drawn to them because they often show what I perceive to be true love. Het couples on tv are often riddled with abuse (whether it’s subtle or not) and It just makes me not want to be in a relationship ever. But when I see two women who love each other and respect each other (sanvers, spashley, and clexa are the wlw couples that have struck a cord with me most) it gives me hope that I could find something like that one day. I don’t know if any of that makes sense or just makes me sound like an idiot but that’s it really. I love seeing girls being happy and loved.

3

Hi friends!!

As you may have seen, I woke up Sunday morning to some dull knee pain. It wasn’t horrible, but I made the albeit annoying but smart decision to not run. I was bummed, but knew I was doing the right thing. I did make sure to do some PT exercises, stretching, and icing to help things along!

Monday my knee felt better, but not quite where I wanted it, so I took that day off too. Trying to be smart! The days off weren’t all bad though, got in some good snuggles with my boys :)

Yesterday I woke up and my knee felt SO much better! So I decided to head out and try

Indy Mini W12D2 - STRENGTH 4x1.5 miles

I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, so I told myself just do one and see how I felt. After the first one my whole body was screaming LOLNOPE, so I turned home and cut the workout in half.

And I’m totally fine with that! During this run I had lots of thoughts about how much I push myself for running. And how I really need to be nicer and not put so much pressure on myself. I run for fun! Literally no one depends on how my runs go. My friends and family will still love me if I’m not running 100%. And I feel like I’m learning that more and more. I shouldn’t be nervous 3 days a week because of the hard runs I have to do after work. They should be something I look forward to! So moving forward, I’m going to try my hardest to have a different mindset towards running. It should be fun! Not another stress in my life. If I’m not running 9 min/miles, I’ll still be me and that’s pretty great :)

Okay enough rambles for today! My knee feels great again today, so I’ll be doing tempo tomorrow!

Happy hump day! :)

anyways if i had to describe why mark and jack make me feel most comfortable it would be that whenever i feel like i want to read a book but not really read a book myself and it’s not a book its a game and jacks the one narrating it, i watch jack

but when i feel like quiet is Just Not Good and i’d rather listen to someone talk even if its about penises or just talk in a deep, clear voice n even though they aren’t talking to me but like they ARE i just cant answer and honestly i rlly dont want to, i watch mark

Scarlett’s first nosework class

So, first off I’m super impressed with the instructor. There wasn’t anything on his website about how he trained or what kinds of methods he uses, so I was a little worried I was taking a gamble on somebody who was a bit more old school (shame on me for just assuming he might be someone who would lean heavily on punishment just because he’s an older dude) but he was talking about clicker training and all that and he was actually really really good about making sure everyone was as unimposing as possible when it came time for the dogs to do their searches. 

Since this is an intro class, it’s going to be mostly food searches to build drive and positive associations with various search environments. Which is great and I can already see myself getting obsessed with this sport and going full tilt into it. Especially because I think this is more Scarlett’s speed. 

Speaking of Scarlett, she actually did way better than I was expecting. She’s usually really timid in new environments, especially when she doesn’t have Finley with her, but she came trotting out of the car and into the building, tail up and head held high, prancing like she owned the place. She was a little spooked when we went into the actual search area, mostly because it was full of strange people, but because the instructor did such a good job of laying the ground rules for everyone when it comes to dealing with timid dogs (lots of them in this group) she acclimated very quickly and after a minute was snuffling through the boxes to find her hot dogs. 

We all only got to do one search last night but watching all the other dogs search was really cool. You could tell the ones that were searching visually versus using their noses and watching their body language was obviously awesome. Especially because most of the dogs have some kind of fear or reactivity issues so watching them battle that and then get into the search was so cool. 

Of course Scarlett is the smallest dog in the class. There’s two German Shepherds, a Border Collie mix, some kind of weird looking sighthoundish kinda thing, a good ol’ fashioned Heinz 57 mutt (still good sized dog, probably 50-60lbs) and then my eight pound chihuahua. So it’ll be interesting when we get around to doing vehicle searches and such 😂

Next week everyone will be able to do 2-3 searches since we won’t have so much stuff to go over in the beginning of the class. I’m so excited for Scarlett to get more comfortable and more confident because she’s got a hell of a nose and watching her use it is amazing! 

anonymous asked:

I love to think that joji is bisexual or pansexual bc I feel like he'd say that kinda gay stuff about "a bigger love" he's such a dork I love him :-)

he’s just a weird dude and i think since he’s alluded to it in the past with his tweets and the fact that he keeps his shit fairly private…he’s just an enigma and being a gay trans kid myself makes me really want to see representation from someone who’s in a community that’s so anti-pc and like the last person MOST people would expect, but to a lot of us in the community it’s like, he could be…..but then i feel guilty because he’s a real person and it’s weird to be like “he could be bi!!!!!” but then again that’s perpetuating the stereotype that heterosexuality is the norm so idk

anonymous asked:

Hi! Would you mind sharing any tips you have on completing NaPoWriMo? I attempted it last year but got really sick and couldn't finish it. I really want to make it the whole month this time, and you're one of my favorite writers so I trust any tips or helpful antidotes you can offer. Thank you if you can! :)

so first of all, I like to tell myself at the beginning of the month that it’s okay if I don’t finish. and it’s okay if you don’t finish. it’s a great goal, but things do come up and that’s okay. it’s okay if you just get overwhelmed and don’t finish. try to alleviate a little bit of the pressure.

I think the only real suggestions I have are to take notes on things that stand out to you like phrases and imagery and snatches of conversation so you have stuff to draw from, try to read poetry during April, google prompts if you get stuck, you can try to write some of your own basic ideas down before the month starts just so you never have a day where you’re totally fucked, and don’t be afraid to take something that isn’t working and just edit it down to its good lines. Nothing comes out perfect in April but you don’t have to worry about that during napowrimo. Just worry about getting something out.

hope that’s helpful!! sorry if it’s not!

anonymous asked:

Hi, just to tell you i liked the Tom&pets meeting fanfic; and that i like how you almost always end you fics with and ending that leaves space for a sequel in case your fans want one, showing your care for us (>*u*)>

Awww thank you so much for all the sweetness! Of course I care about you guys! All of you! Your support is so amazing and I really love it so so so so much! It makes me so happy! Each of you guys are so special to me because you make me feel so good about myself! To see you want to see what I have to say/post/write! Even those of you I don’t talk to, I love you!

Originally posted by jxssicaxs

10 facts about me

was tagged by @catharinaloss thank you sweetheart <3

  1. i am a godmother to the cutest two year old
  2. my favourite movie is moulin rouge
  3. i am a math student
  4. i don’t know how to cook all that much, but i make a boss cheesecake
  5. i’ve been wearing glasses as long as i can remember and i feel so weird whenever i see myself without them (which is only in the morning since i can’t see shit without them)
  6. i’ve known my best friend for almost 8 years
  7. i am super into figuring out and getting people birthday presents, or presents in general really
  8. i used to be super against cutting my hair until about a year or so ago when i cut it to just above my shoulders and i love it still
  9. the furthest i’ve travelled away from home is for a student exchange programme in thailand
  10. when i was little and had no concept of new year’s even, or time in general, i thought each new year began when spring came around

tagging: @alecsagitta @thirstyalec @bisexualninej @magnusbaene @magnificentbane @magnificentmalec @magnusbones @madzie-bane @patronusmagnus @maiasunshineroberts @thedownworld

anonymous asked:

The fact that you READ all the asks, even if you don't publish them, goes a long way. I'm glad you told us. It's about not being alone. And for me, there's not really anything you can say to take my pain anyways. I just wanna be heard, so if I know my sad ask will be read, that's really all I need. So thank you. Still, "should be able" doesn't override the damage I apparently cause by talking about suicide, so I'll keep it to myself for now. Take care ❤

I feel like I’ve failed you. I know I couldn’t take that pain away but I just don’t know what to write. I have my own problem and my own suicidal thoughts, how am I ever supposed to write to so many people about why their life is important and beautiful to me without making it seem like I’m writing the same message over and over and don’t care. I do care. I really do.

I’ll forever be offended with myself, marvel and life because I really shipped skyward at first and I know it was just ward’s alterego-ish but it was so good and then they made him a nazi and now obviously i can’t enjoy the old good stuff they had because it’s all horrible and it makes me sick but also i shipped it a lot bit me

anonymous asked:

apricot

apricot: what do you do when you’re sad?

If it’s just like a manageable level of sadness, I’ll usually write in a journal so I can try to just get it all off my chest and move on. Sometimes that makes it worse, though, so at that point I’ll try to distract myself with a YouTube video or something.

I have a box that I made (with the help of a therapist) specifically for when it gets really bad. I’m planning on making a post about that (and how to make one) when I get the chance.

anonymous asked:

Have you ever thought about making a youtube channel??

Oh man I would love to. Remember I always told you guys I’d do one when I had proper film equipment? Well I do now. I used to want to make a beauty channel but back in 2009 when I wanted to, everyone sucked at makeup. With all the beauty gurus out there, I can’t even begin to compete. I’m also self conscious because I don’t really get new followers on Insta so the personal content I put out just isn’t up to par.
I could see myself doing maybe story times or something though.

anonymous asked:

Hi :) I'm new to the fandom so forgive me if I'm misinformed. About home: the only really serious relationship he was supposed to be in up to the song was Eleanor. To me, home sounds like being in your first relationship not knowing about love and meeting the right person and just click. But I think there was some time between hannah and eleanor so it must either be about Harry or fictional. About the pronouns: i personally would have done the same regardless of the meaning, it just fits better.

The guess is that the beginning is indeed about Hanna because they really dated, and then he met Harry (when they were still dating), and it kids of hit him that Harry was the right person and that’s why he used a pronoun change. It might look better, but they always went a mile further to make all the songs straight™ (like They Don’t Know About Us, where they add a girl to make it look less suspicious). Like my anon said, they could have used girl or even she, it’d still send the message that he found another girl and she was the one, but he didn’t. He put your because it was the only pronoun he could use without giving it all aways (he could’ve used his). It’s important because even if it looks better and everyone would write like that, they could’ve changed that since it’s something they do with 1D songs, but he didn’t. He changed pronoun and the message was very clear 

my family did all my laundry while I was gone today and I feel really bad because they haven’t done my laundry in years, but executive dysfunction has been kicking my Ass and I really wasn’t gonna ask anyone to do it, I was just gonna suck it up and figure out how to make myself deal with it but I guess it’s done now oops. 

anonymous asked:

What exactly constitutes as fetishizing mlm or wlw relationships? I see a lot of posts about it and I just really want to make sure that I'm not doing that, and I'm really anxious (like usual) that I'm doing something wrong! If you could explain it to me gently (I'm sorry I just don't want to cry and hate myself) I would really appreciate it so that I can be a better person in and for the LGBT+ community.

ah ok so what i mean by fetishing is when straight people treat mlm/wlw relationships as something to fawn over or treating them as if they only exist as your entertainment, or not taking them seriously, maybe treating gay couples as objects or being turned on by the idea of gay people “getting it on” / for example- a straight man obsessing over the idea of two lesbians.