Radioactivepeasant Presents: That one time I did something really stupid
Senior year of college, finals week.
I have been surviving on 4 hours of sleep a night, holding myself together with black tea and raw spinach and a handful of vitamins, so you’ll have to forgive me if my judgment was a little off.
I’m studying for a test while simultaneously packing up my room to get ready for Move Out Day, and it’s somewhere between 12:00 and 2:00 am. (Once the sun went down, time lost all meaning to me.)
Basically everyone else is in their rooms either asleep or otherwise observing Quiet Hours, and I’m here with a giant mug of tea and all the lights on, studying for an ethics exam. Just as I start to pack up my things and turn off the lights, the most incredible racket starts up.
Every car in the isolated back parking lot was setting off their alarms somehow. I lived in the part of the building facing that lot: I wouldn’t be sleeping until they turned off.
This was the third night in a row where it had happened, and I was already sleep-deprived. I did something stupid.
In my pajamas, I threw on a pair of boots and grabbed a thin bamboo staff I kept in my room as a walking stick. Then, keys in hand, I marched out to the parking lot at somewhere around midnight. I don’t know what I was planning on doing once I got there.
This was a stupid plan for 4 reasons.
1. I had no way of shutting off the alarms.
2. The campus was situated in a rough neighborhood, and nobody was allowed to go walking alone at night for that reason.
3. There was a rout of coyotes on campus that were crazy or desperate enough to attack a moving pickup truck.
4. The coyotes weren’t the only predatory animals spotted on campus. There is also a bobcat and at least two bears.
So here I am in my pajamas, wielding a bamboo stick like a staff, and walking around the parking lot. Most of the cars have stopped their alarms by now and I’m walking around and whacking the stick loudly on the ground. The thought was, anything there would know I was coming and I wouldn’t surprise anyone.
Well this absolutely terrified rabbit goes tearing past me as I’m looking under all the cars and that should’ve been my first clue that I needed to go inside Right Then.
Suddenly I hear this noise, and it was like nothing I’d ever heard before. I can only describe it as sounding like metal dragged across concrete, but it was an organic sound. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and for the first time it occurs to me that I’m doing something really stupid.
Deciding that discretion is the better part of valor, I retreat inside and, on a whim, look up the sounds big cats make.
Yeah. There’d been a bobcat less than ten yards away from me.
And that is how I met The Incredible Mr. Whiskers, our dorm’s terrifying unofficial mascot.
Today while I was at church I was talking to a friend when out of nowhere my priest, Fr. Gabriel, comes running over cassock flying everywhere shouting “Sara! I need to talk to you!” So I’m thinking oh no what did I do to upset him this time. And as he comes running he pulls a freaking squirt gun out of his pocket-less cassock and points it directly at me. While all this is going on parishioners are staring, children are screaming, I’m bracing myself for the water that’s about to blast me and my friend has this look of total confusion. Then as I’m standing there with my hands up because a priest is pointing a water gun at me Fr. Gabriel says ever so sternly “did you leave this in my office?!” I paused for a second and asked “why would i do that?” And he hands it to me and there’s a note attached. It read “So your hands won’t get tired from sprinkling the congregation with holy water. Step one: fill with holy water. Step two: spray the congregation” I didn’t leave it in his office and he insisted that I was guilty. But I’m honestly only guilty of one thing. Not thinking of that idea first.