reality tv recaps

The Bachelorette, Season 13, Recap #1

The biggest news from the Bachelor-nation recently is that Ben and Lauren broke up. Ben’s season is the first season of The Bachelor that I watched and he was a total wet noodle, so I can only assume that Lauren got tired of looking at the hair mole on his cheek and the ABC money started to dry up. I’m still not sure if I like this show, but I have to watch this season of The Bachelorette. Evil Overlord, Chris Harrison, loves to talk about how Rachel was the “most talked about Bachelorette” but that was OBVIOUSLY, because after 12 seasons of The Bachelorette and 21 seasons of The Bachelor, she’s the first black Bachelorette. Rachel is also smart, has a real job and is over 25.

I decided not to read Reality Steve’s spoilers this season and I have no idea who’s going to be the front runners but I will try to make a solid guess as the season progresses. In this episode, my guesses are Josiah, Peter, Bryan and Demario as the front runners. Last season, the medium age for Nick’s contestants was 25, this season it’s 30. This season, the contestants are 55% white vs. last season’s 85%. This is a significant change and The Bachelorette is probably one of the most diverse reality TV show ever right now.

As we all know by now, the first night of shooting for the show is like 15 hours and the liquor is flowing. One of the contestants said “As the night progresses, personalities start to come out”, this means that people are just getting super drunk.

I can’t really go through this recap without talking about the “Whaboom” guy because he wants it so bad. This is the thirstiest guy of the episode, he wants to make a living off of Instagram and BIP4 so bad. Obviously, he seems really disturbed, I don’t even know how he hasn’t given himself vertigo from that violent head shaking.

He was then called out by the “aspiring drummer” for not being serious enough, yet during his introduction package he just bragged about his “sexual prowess” and grossed out approximately 3 out of 4 viewers.

There was also the “Tickle Monster” who TICKLED Rachel when he first met her, boy bye. If someone did that to me, I would have sent him home immediately. He just looked like the kind of guy that would seriously buy you an edible arrangement quarterly and write Nicholas Sparks quotes in that little card.

Most importantly, there was the little doll “Adam Jr.” which genuinely enchanted me. This is the kind of thing where you really appreciate the madness of the producers for posing Adam Jr. with a glass of champagne or near a fire as Rachel is on a date. It’s also the kind of trash that we can all appreciate before everyone starts falling in love and they keep having hot tub dates.

Somehow, the Chiropractor that is allegedly “good with his hands” and kisses like he’s slurping out the flesh on a really ripe mango got the first impression rose, which makes me immediately very suspicious of Rachel’s taste in men.

I have to believe that it was the producers idea to keep the “Whaboom” guy around for another episode, because if Rachel was really into that guy than she’s going to end up with some real duds. The season preview makes it seem like the season is going to be full of drama and that there’s a real snake in the grass with that little Southern boy. There always needs to be a villain. 

Episode 2 Recap

1. There were two group dates and a one-on-one date.
2. At the Husband Material Relay, Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis showed up to judge because they’re, apparently, big fans of the show.
3. Kenny referee to Lucas as “Whaboom,” which is correct.
4. Lucas shoved Kenny, which seemed like a bad idea since Kenny is a professional wrestler.
5. During her one-on-one with Lucas, he is not as annoying as he is around the other men.
6. Kenny said his daughter’s middle name is Rachel.
7. Dean got the rose from Rachel.
8. Rachel and Peter bonded over their gap teeth.
9. Rachel gave Peter the rose during their date.
10. DeMario called his ex “crazy.”
11. Alex sang in Russian about dark eyes.
12. Josiah got the date rose.

The Bachelorette, Season 13 Recap #2

I must really love to do stuff that makes me miserable because tonight, I’m cooped up inside watching the television equivalent of diarrhea after a night of drinking cheap beer instead of actually drinking cheap beer with friends. The only good thing about the first few weeks of a new season of The Bachelorette is the pure trash and activities that happen before the “love” happens.

The first group date had the contestants do some stupid “Husband Material” obstacle course hosted by Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, alleged superfans, but most likely contractually obligated to appear on ABC for 7 minutes. This obstacle course had the contestants wipe down a poopy baby, put the baby in a Baby Bjorn, vacuum, unclog a drain, do dishes, set a table and then sprint to Rachel with a bouquet of flowers. Because it’s always a joke for men to do women’s stereotypical housework in these shows, right?! Somehow, despite looking like his body is made out of 77% vodka, the “Whaboom” guy won the obstacle course.

 The rest of the date turned into the “Aspiring Drummer” trying to take down the “Whaboom” guy who’s clearly only there by the saving grace of a very powerful producer. In a moment of pure clarity, Kenny said “like, these white dudes are straight kinda buggin’”. This is exactly the kind of commentary that is missing from the usual lack of diversity in these shows.

 The one-on-one date was with Peter who is obviously going to be the next Bachelor. He’s too attractive to be the guy that Rachel picks, he’s got “ratings and opportunities” written all over his forehead. Rachel and Copper took Peter to Palm Springs to a “Bark Fest” where Copper pounced around on three legs and showed off his fabulous leg cast. Really other than the dogs, the only thing that really mattered is that Rachel and Peter have the SAME TEETH! It’s so weird, creepy and kind of genetically erotic.

For the second group date, Rachel brought her very good friend, Kareem Abdul Jabar, to do some basketball drills. He seemed to take his job pretty seriously, because he was blowing that whistle and holding onto that clipboard as if his life depended on it. The contestants played some basketball, but the big reveal was that the producers let DeMario’s girlfriend show up to crash the party. 

I loved that at first he pretended like he didn’t know her, “Oh!!!! Who’s this?” and his girlfriend was ready with the receipts. Honestly, I wish this was more explosive, but this is probably the most we could expect from this show. Rachel was not having it and sent him home, despite DeMario having killer basketball skills. I bet we will hear her say that she’s “keeping it 100” at least 235 more times throughout the season.

The episode ended with the cocktail party and DeMario pulling a “Chad” and coming back to the house to haunt the other contestants. We’re then left with a cliffhanger where all the men are getting territorial about their one girlfriend and want to kick DeMario’s ass. Yay! More overt masculinity!

The Bachelorette, Season 13 Episode #3

This week’s episode of The Bachelorette resumes from another cliffhanger that shouldn’t have been a cliffhanger. DeMario took an Uber back to the mansion (sure, without the help of some producers) to try to convince Rachel to let him back into the house. He yapped about learning experiences and how he’s a changed man and Rachel looked at him like the mansplaining dummy that quotes motivational Instagram posts and sent his ass back home.

At this point, Rachel talks about how she’s seeing “new layers” to all these guys so at this point I’m assuming that she’s just dating a bunch of onions.

 At least the “Tickle Monster” packed big hands in his one allotted checked bag and managed to stay another week despite being the man version of Tostitos and mild salsa.

Somehow, the Whaboom guy and the other guy that hated him (whom allegedly doesn’t eat bananas because he doesn’t eat carbs) got 7 minutes of screen time in a post-elimination interview that made me feel like I was watching Dumb & Dumber. I did realize that the Whaboom guy is a little more insightful than he seems by saying stuff like “It’s not about winning, it’s about the world, brother”

 They are really rolling out the red carpet this season, last week it was Mila and Ashton, this week it’s America’s sweetheart, Ellen Degeneres. On the first group date, the contestants went on Ellen, took their shirts off and we found out that the Russian guy with a questionable taste in pants can really move it. I mean, he was like a ripped snake with big biceps with those dance moves.

 While I was watching this group date, I kept on asking myself “HOW IS SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE PETER STILL SINGLE AT 31!?” There has to be something a little off with him, maybe he’s moody or has a toe fungus. I hope for Rachel that it’s the toe fungus because based on the edit he’s been getting (they didn’t even show him dancing on Ellen!) I’m thinking that he’s going to be the one that Rachel picks in the end. At the end of the date, she gave Alex, the Russian with a questionable taste in pants the group date rose and the guy she had known since he was a kid the boot.

 The one-on-one date had Rachel and Anthony riding on Rodeo Drive on horses. This date made me realize that luxury is getting fitted for a pair of $900 cowboy boots WHILE sitting on a horse. Although I thought it was a little unfair that they blurred out the horse poop in the Beverly Hills trinket store but couldn’t blur out Chad eating all of those cold cuts on JoJo’s season, which was as foul.

On the second group date, Rachel invited her “posse” (just contestants from her season) to watch her boyfriends mud wrestle in mud that looked like the horse’s poop from the Rodeo Drive date. Did anyone else think that Kenny looked like “Thing” from Fantastic Four?

 At this point in the season, it’s the time to start introducing the villain from the season. This season it’s obviously Lee Garretts, a real snake in the grass and apparently a real P.O.S xenophobe. You’d think that with their alleged background checks, the Bachelorette producers would be able to dig into Lee’s Twitter and see his racist, conspiracist, Islamophobic Twitter rants. Although it seems like for next week’s episode, they showed one of the contestants trying to explain to him the issues of calling a black man aggressive, which is the new age of Bacherlorette “wokeness”.

 Once again, we’re left on a cliffhanger. Why does this happen every week? Am I the only one that just wants a normal episode?

Dancing with the Stars Season 23 Recap #6

We’ve been #blessed for Latin Night, Pitbull is in the house and it’s not even Wednesday. Week 6 is just another victory lap for Laurie Hernandez, the girl can perform events with her gymnastics crew all week, but you know she learned that choreography from stick figures that Val drew on a cocktail napkin in the Delta Lounge. At this point, if I was in this competition, I would just hope I could stick around long enough to continue being adorned in Swarovski crystals and having people smash that like with my training photos on Instagram.

I know that I can’t be the only person t that felt super uncomfortable by Ryan Lochte’s day-glow salsa. Those weird shorts, the kneepads, the janky-ass black light body paint. It was weird. It was wrong. He was pointing at Cheryl with a long “come here” finger that looked like one of those instruction illustrations of how to give G-Spot orgasms in Cosmo. Yet, Ryan survives another week and continues to serve the most lenient suspension from USA Swimming by getting custom salsa outfits and having Pitbull smile at him with his alarmingly small teeth.

Julianne Hough borrowed Lady Gaga’s National Anthem wig from the Super Bowl, who wore it best?

I haven’t talked about Bruno Tonioli much this season, but he really impressed me with his flexibility.

No one was having more fun than this guy.

Have you ever found yourself in a position of power and you were like, how the hell did I get here? This is how I felt when I was the judge of a karaoke competition and I’m convinced that this is how Pitbull feels tonight. I bet that he chugged a 6-pack Bud Light Platinums before the show, and that is high gravity stuff. During Jana’s Argentine Tango, he managed to grope both Carrie Anne and Julianne and asked Jana to throw her wet dress at him. Gross, Pitbull, no. If there is something that has been made totally uncool within the last few weeks it’s unwanted groping.

Somehow, Maureen’s reign of emotional terror over Artem continues for another week and my favorite, Amber Rose, was eliminated. Len Goodman comes back next week, which means that law and order will be restored to the ballroom.