The Bachelorette, Season 13, Recap #1
The biggest news from the Bachelor-nation recently is that Ben and Lauren broke up. Ben’s season is the first season of The Bachelor that I watched and he was a total wet noodle, so I can only assume that Lauren got tired of looking at the hair mole on his cheek and the ABC money started to dry up. I’m still not sure if I like this show, but I have to watch this season of The Bachelorette. Evil Overlord, Chris Harrison, loves to talk about how Rachel was the “most talked about Bachelorette” but that was OBVIOUSLY, because after 12 seasons of The Bachelorette and 21 seasons of The Bachelor, she’s the first black Bachelorette. Rachel is also smart, has a real job and is over 25.
I decided not to read Reality Steve’s spoilers this season and I have no idea who’s going to be the front runners but I will try to make a solid guess as the season progresses. In this episode, my guesses are Josiah, Peter, Bryan and Demario as the front runners. Last season, the medium age for Nick’s contestants was 25, this season it’s 30. This season, the contestants are 55% white vs. last season’s 85%. This is a significant change and The Bachelorette is probably one of the most diverse reality TV show ever right now.
As we all know by now, the first night of shooting for the show is like 15 hours and the liquor is flowing. One of the contestants said “As the night progresses, personalities start to come out”, this means that people are just getting super drunk.
I can’t really go through this recap without talking about the “Whaboom” guy because he wants it so bad. This is the thirstiest guy of the episode, he wants to make a living off of Instagram and BIP4 so bad. Obviously, he seems really disturbed, I don’t even know how he hasn’t given himself vertigo from that violent head shaking.
He was then called out by the “aspiring drummer” for not being serious enough, yet during his introduction package he just bragged about his “sexual prowess” and grossed out approximately 3 out of 4 viewers.
There was also the “Tickle Monster” who TICKLED Rachel when he first met her, boy bye. If someone did that to me, I would have sent him home immediately. He just looked like the kind of guy that would seriously buy you an edible arrangement quarterly and write Nicholas Sparks quotes in that little card.
Most importantly, there was the little doll “Adam Jr.” which genuinely enchanted me. This is the kind of thing where you really appreciate the madness of the producers for posing Adam Jr. with a glass of champagne or near a fire as Rachel is on a date. It’s also the kind of trash that we can all appreciate before everyone starts falling in love and they keep having hot tub dates.
Somehow, the Chiropractor that is allegedly “good with his hands” and kisses like he’s slurping out the flesh on a really ripe mango got the first impression rose, which makes me immediately very suspicious of Rachel’s taste in men.
I have to believe that it was the producers idea to keep the “Whaboom” guy around for another episode, because if Rachel was really into that guy than she’s going to end up with some real duds. The season preview makes it seem like the season is going to be full of drama and that there’s a real snake in the grass with that little Southern boy. There always needs to be a villain.