reality tv recaps

Dancing with the Stars Season 23 Recap #6

We’ve been #blessed for Latin Night, Pitbull is in the house and it’s not even Wednesday. Week 6 is just another victory lap for Laurie Hernandez, the girl can perform events with her gymnastics crew all week, but you know she learned that choreography from stick figures that Val drew on a cocktail napkin in the Delta Lounge. At this point, if I was in this competition, I would just hope I could stick around long enough to continue being adorned in Swarovski crystals and having people smash that like with my training photos on Instagram.

I know that I can’t be the only person t that felt super uncomfortable by Ryan Lochte’s day-glow salsa. Those weird shorts, the kneepads, the janky-ass black light body paint. It was weird. It was wrong. He was pointing at Cheryl with a long “come here” finger that looked like one of those instruction illustrations of how to give G-Spot orgasms in Cosmo. Yet, Ryan survives another week and continues to serve the most lenient suspension from USA Swimming by getting custom salsa outfits and having Pitbull smile at him with his alarmingly small teeth.

Julianne Hough borrowed Lady Gaga’s National Anthem wig from the Super Bowl, who wore it best?

I haven’t talked about Bruno Tonioli much this season, but he really impressed me with his flexibility.

No one was having more fun than this guy.

Have you ever found yourself in a position of power and you were like, how the hell did I get here? This is how I felt when I was the judge of a karaoke competition and I’m convinced that this is how Pitbull feels tonight. I bet that he chugged a 6-pack Bud Light Platinums before the show, and that is high gravity stuff. During Jana’s Argentine Tango, he managed to grope both Carrie Anne and Julianne and asked Jana to throw her wet dress at him. Gross, Pitbull, no. If there is something that has been made totally uncool within the last few weeks it’s unwanted groping.

Somehow, Maureen’s reign of emotional terror over Artem continues for another week and my favorite, Amber Rose, was eliminated. Len Goodman comes back next week, which means that law and order will be restored to the ballroom. 

BACHEORETTE RECAP: THIS CHAD IS ON FIRE

ABC’s really been hyping up this episode with dramatic teasers of this week’s “two-night television event,” and last night’s episode ended with shots of dudes bleeding from the face and (presumably) Chad’s wounded knuckles. But knowing how The Bachelorette producers love a good troll, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s revealed in tonight’s episode that the only reason they’re bleeding is because they all somehow managed to impale each other at the pool party while running around on the slippery tiles with their weird, spiky puka shell necklaces.

God bless all the non-contestant characters on today’s episode! From the girl who could orgasm on command on stage at open mic night (“I never asked for this” -everyone) to the cameo-thirsty security guard patrolling the Bachelor mansion in case of a roid-rage Chad attack, they were the true stars of this episode. And by “god bless” I actually mean, “Where did they find these people?”

This week’s group date takes JoJo and 12 men to a spoken word event where the guys have to share their most embarrassing sex stories. I guess the guys’ stories would have been much too raunchy for network TV, so the producers cut out pretty much everything. Except they may have left too much up to our own imaginations when the only snippet of Damn Daniel’s story we got was how he always has a knife on him and he cut off some girl’s hair as part of a freaky sex thing. The camera cut to a quick shot of him drawing some kind of stick figure during the 45-min prep period, and I can only guess what kind of scene it might have been depicting:

With tensions at an all-time high in the house, Evan uses the opportunity to take some cheap shots at Chad, insinuating that he takes steroids. Chad does not take this well, and grabs Evan by the back of his American Apparel v-neck, stretching it out a comical amount.

JoJo took James T. the muppet singer-songwriter on a one-on-one date that included a 1950s costumed group dance number that looked like it was straight out of a Johnny Rockets training video for new employees. James T. has two left feet, and you can’t convince me that JoJo wasn’t actually dancing with a cardboard cutout.

And of course, James T. wouldn’t be James T. if he didn’t carry around a guitar with him everywhere he went. He whips out his “second baby” and starts serenading an ecstatic JoJo with Wonderwall some song he wrote, and they kiss! I can’t find anything bad to say about this, he brings out her Texas accent when they’re together and it’s adorable!!

— DAMI LEE FOR THE VERGE