please do the warring reality show contestants. i'm cracking up just thinking about it.
A|N: This… got away from me and is twice as long as I thought it would be. But I hope you like it! x
Honestly, none of this would be happening if he didn’t pick a fight with the pretty blonde on the very first day on set.
It’s just— well, she was being stupid about the entire endeavour, opting to make soufflé within a twenty minute time frame. He knew she was talented; it was evident in her audition tape, movements deft and sure and eyes bright when she talked about her food, but still.
He had pretty much told her so when she raced back into the kitchen, ingredients in tow, and she had nearly bitten his head off for it, and that had been the beginning of the end, the single defining moment that had launched a thousand arguments after.
Which would have been fine if that was all, really. Bellamy was used to not being liked at times- it came with the territory, considering he was never shy about sharing his opinions on things- but then the ratings came in, followed by the network, and that was when all hell broke loose.
“God,” he grumbles for the fifth time that day, huffing irritably when yet another powder brush is shoved into his face, “apparently, everyone needs a gimmick these days.”
A sigh is heard somewhere in the vicinity of his left shoulder. “Well, there wouldn’t be a need for one if you didn’t start this entire mess.”
Gaping, he spins on his heel to face her, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “Me? If you didn’t react the way you did in the first place, we wouldn’t have to put on this entire charade in the first place!”
“You’re the one who started it, with all your yelling about my soufflé! ” Clarke counters, shooting him with a glare sharp enough to cut glass. He scowls back, briefly lets himself wonder how he had managed to become so attuned to her anger that he knew exactly how her brow would crease when the fighting commenced.
They’re interrupted by the blinding flash of a camera, a staccato clap of hands.
“Just like that,” the photographer beams, re-positioning his camera. “Remember, we’re aiming for warring exes, forced to work together! Will they or won’t they? Are they going to rip each other apart before the salad course?”
And just like that, a temporary truce between Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake is established in favor of telling the photographer in question to, quite frankly, shut the fuck up.
Favorite place to shoot what - a load on a guy you found on Craigslist? This is a seedy motel! Anyway, Yu Tsai announces the return of a special guest:
In all honesty, I don’t remember her. Might just be all the fresh Botox injections. Melissa and some other dude talk about how Zappos Couture is on a “journey” toward a new identity, which I think is their way of saying they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing with this brand yet and until then, they’re even willing to let a reality show contestant be the “face” of their high fashion line since a face isn’t even important when it comes to modeling shoes. Let’s let Melissa explain it:
Melissa, honey, you are just saying big words that don’t make any sense together. Somehow, Lacey thinks she understands what Melissa is talking about, though.
God, can you imagine what reading Lacey’s journal would actually be like?
I also loved this random moment with Lacey in hair and makeup:
Uh, of course Lacey realizes that’s not really a gun. If she did think it were a gun, she’d be justified in trying to shoot her humorless fuck of a hairdresser in the face.
Yu Tsai’s on a tear, too. First he unironically calls Mamé a hot bitch.
Then he celebrates the end of the shoot with a gratuitous roundoff. Bitch thinks he’s Dominique Moceanu or something.
During the shoot, Nyle serves his usual brand of “dapper.” Mamé goes for her usual brand of “regal.” No surprises there.
Meanwhile, Lacey does her best to make sure her poses are “sexy” rather than “sleazy,” but she’s set up for failure given they’re having her model on top of a motel bed. The setting is inherently sleazy, so of course it’s going to look inappropriate. It’s almost as preposterous as Mikey’s repeated assertion that he’s trying to look “expensive” in his photos. Again - this is a cheap motel. Standing in a room that costs you just $35 a night plus a severe case of bed begs will never look “expensive.”
Accordingly, the crew is unimpressed with Mikey’s posing. They hate how he looks when he tries to “model,” which you think would be an important trait to have in a modeling competition, but all right! Yu Tsai repeatedly tells Mikey to just be himself rather than model. Uh oh, you know what happens when he just behaves normally - he gets horny.
That’s exactly what Yu Tsai wants, apparently. He has Mikey start eye-fucking Melissa while he poses, and suddenly, he supposedly starts taking better pictures!
Melissa is all-too-happy to assist Mikey in this process. Calm down, woman! Try to not get your ridiculous fur collar damp… this is not the professional behavior you’d expect from a Zappos marketing exec! Still, it’s nice to know that Mikey has a sugar mama he can pursue if this whole modeling thing doesn’t work out. He does “specialize in older women” after all. Can’t wait to see Tocks sold exclusively through Zappos Couture!
The thing is, he’s probably winning this show. ANTM just edited a sequence to make it seem like Mikey’s #1 flaw just became an asset - that somehow his womanizing ways actually improve his modeling skills. It’s a bunch of crap, but it’s crap they’re serving to serve to us on a spoon so… eat up??
Title:Safe And Sound Chapter: 8/?? Pairing: Eventual Michael/Reader Rating: PG-13 (default option!) Word Count: 4,299 Summary: Six months ago, your life was turned upside down when you won a recording contract on a singing contest reality show. It’s been a blur since then, and things were looking up for you, but people were starting to cross the line with you, putting your safety in danger. At the urging of your label, your manager found you a bodyguard that you could connect with, someone who would be a friend on the lonely nights of traveling. However, instead of getting the manly bodyguard that oozed masculinity, you got Michael. A/N: What’s this? Two updates, less than a year apart??? Unheard of!! But I’m excited to be writing this again and I’m excited for MichaelxReader and I’m excited people like this fic and wow. You’re all fab <3
People are acting like Kanye West saying he’s going to run for president is so ridiculous. Let’s not forget America that you let the Terminator be a governor, one of your two main political parties is supporting a reality contest show host whose most famous punch line is “You’re Fired”, and you all elected Bush TWICE.
So please spare us and stop acting like you have such high standards for political figures.
Nargles. Auntie MJ thanks you for this most sensible question. I have been
watching humans for some time now, and I have a few ideas on how it’s done. Here
are TEN STEPS to help you human.
HOW TO HUMAN IN 10 STEPS
Accept you are human, one of many.
Humans are more similar than we are different. The variations in our size,
shape, color, gender, sexual orientation—or more social constructs such as our
religion, nationality, professions, political leanings, fandoms, habits,
hobbies, style choices, fame levels, or lifestyles—these are all much more
minor than they sometimes appear. So remember when dealing with humans that
differ from you in some way you do not like—they are human, still. Always human.
These include: internet commenters, reality show contestants, mean people at
school or work, that person walking in front of you way too slowly, and people
who made stuff you don’t like. This is
not always easybut it is always
worth the effort. (DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS. This helps.)
Humans survive because of one another.
Entirely. Other humans make the things that keep us alive. I don’t kind what
kind of off-the-grid lone wolf you think you are—you need other humans. You
doubt me? Then where did you get your
pants? Did you grow that polyester? Did you sew in those cargo pockets?
Someone grew you. Someone delivered
you. Someone made the building you live in, and the materials that make the
house. Someone created the language that enabled you to communicate thoughts,
and someone taught you the language. Someone grew your food. Someone figured
out that applying fire to the food made it better to eat. Every day, we can
(and probably do) contribute things that keep other humans alive. These can be
very simple things, and we may never know what they are. But every interaction,
every job, every conversation—it can all have meaning, a gentle (or profound)
Humans are mistake-based learners.
We screw up all the time, by design! We’re
wrong about loads of stuff. There are
levels of mistakes, of course. Some mistakes are ours to make alone. Some
mistakes we make in larger groups. Some mistakes happen slowly, over long
periods of time, so we might not see them at first. So when you make a mistake,
not panic. What matters is seeing the mistake at some point and trying to draw some kind of lesson from
them—something that causes a general improvement.
Humans are rarely fixed. We change a
lot in our lifetime, and we change in state almost constantly. We will change
in size and shape and age. Our opinions will change, and our location, and our
health and our mood. We exist in a series of moments, and we don’t have to
judge any other humans (or ourselves) based on any one particular moment. So if
you do something you think was wrong, you can take the lesson and let the
moment pass. If you’re in a slump or a state you think cannot change—it’s
pretty much impossible for that to be true.
Humans set a lot of arbitrary goalposts
and can get very hung up about them. Auntie MJ has recently been ill and
while stuck on the sofa ended up watching many home renovation programs. She
saw many other humans buying houses and fixing them up. Many humans on these
shows had demands, which they phrased as needs. “I need a backsplash made of feelings,” one human might say. “I need a shoe elevator.” “I need a floor
that knows my thoughts.” Of course, the producers of these shows ask people to
play up their demands, because otherwise these shows would look like this:
MJ got more annoyed at these shows than was really required, especially with
the constant demands for white kitchen cabinets and “open plan” houses. Auntie
MJ has had dark thoughts about these open plan houses and white cabinets and
backsplashes, but she will not digress.
arbitrary goalposts go a long way to making us feel like we are going bananas.
“I have to do x by such-and-such an
age.” “I have to get this exact job at this exact time.” Sometimes we land the
mark, and then there are high-fives. But when we don’t, it can cause misery
that is useless and avoidable. Which is not the same as saying “don’t have
goals.” It’s more that goals might happen in ways and timeframes we don’t
expect. Things might not go to plan. So what? New plan!
other people try to set these goalposts for us, and they may really lean on us
to meet them. This is a lot of life—just figuring out what our goals are, and
if they’re really ours or someone else’s. Spotting these arbitrary goals and
kicking them to the curb is a great pleasure and relief. So, no. I am not going
to put on pants, is what I am saying.
Humans don’t always feel great. This
is okay. Auntie MJ says this right now, while not feeling so great. It’s not
preferable, but it is acceptable. I
think there is a pervasive idea that we have to be !perky! all the time and that is just not how it works. I think we
get this idea from TV a lot, because everyone on TV has really good teeth and
they always look like they’re doing stuff
all the time. And when they aren’t doing stuff, they even do that kind of
dramatically. They lounge in hammocks or outdoor bathtubs. If they get sick,
they have Big Crisis Moments in hospitals. (I was just in a hospital for a few
days and a lot of it was just noodling around trying to figure out how to make
it to the bathroom while attached to an IV.)
We will all go through ups and
downs, physically and mentally. It took me a while to get my head around this
concept. Loads and loads of people do stuff while feeling unwell. And loads of
people feel some kind of weird guilt for feeling unwell (massively true of
people with depression, anxiety, things like that). This causes a nasty little
hate spiral of thoughts like “I shouldn’t feel this way,” etc. No guilt, no
hate. It is human to experience these things.
Many humans are covering for the fact
that they do not feel very well. Pain, sadness, depression, anxiety,
confusion—people feel these things all the time. Often these are the people you
Humans are capable of tremendous change.
It’s not always easy to change—but sometimes? Sometimes? It is not as hard as you think. I will tell you a little
story about this that is true. When Auntie MJ was small, she was very timid.
Very timid. She hid her face and didn’t even like to talk on the phone and
often wished she could just blend into the wall. Then, when she was 13 and
about to go to high school, she (me, I’ll stop it with the she) said, “What if
I just…didn’t do that anymore? What if I was really loud and any time I felt
shy I just ignored it and was a loud person who did whatever?” So I gave it a whirl and it worked. This can happen. Slow change is just as good,
and that’s usually how it is. But so many things are truly possible. The exact how and when we can’t always control for, but never forget the enormous power of change.
Humans can’t change other humans.
This is a corollary to the above. The quicker you embrace this one, the more
free time you will have. It’s not possible, and it’s also not desirable.
Humans are improved by other animals.
Everything is better and more complicated with a dog or a cat and your stuff
will devalue faster. A lot of your time will be spent helping your dog find The
Safe Place to Poop and this, if nothing else, resets the standards in your
head. (A lot of people say this is also true of children, but the science is
not 100% clear on this. All we really know about children is that they really
like nuggets. Nothing else has been firmly established.)
It’s because Simon has never bullied anyone like this before. Someone who is financially secure through someone else. He can’t ruin Louis’ career at this point. He can’t make him a broke former reality show contestant who plays clubs.
Louis is untouchable.
Trump is not running a political campaign. He is a reality show contestant who has established himself as a villain to polarize the audience then do whatever it takes to make it to the final tribal council to get the rose that lets him have sex with the top chef.
a girl on a date and you blurt out some fact from Master Chef and she gives you “the” look. You know ,the sort of look when you know you fallen out of the datable zone? yes, the one and only. What can I tell you? I’m a sucker for contest reality shows. Should probably come clean about that before asking someone out So, how’s everyone else doing?