So I’m now doing a little typology of Atheists.
This sort of Atheist has never really went deep into religion and
faith. Often times she is coming from a loosely religious household and was never able to leave it mentally, because she has never overcome her puberal grudge on the world and her family. All the sad tragedies that happened to her, that she was always the last pick in sports, the F in religion class, that her great love Leon has left her for her best friend, but that he gave her Herpes before, all of that must be God’s fault. And therefore she is punishing him with non-existence. And of course the church is also stupid, nothing that requires you to get up early on Sunday can be good. It isn’t always that this childish attitude is paired with low intelligence, but almost always it is tied to a sense of entitlement.
Favourite argument: „Yes, but if God really exists, why is there so much shit going on in the world?!“
Is often confused with: People with real issues, that lost their faith over their immense existential crisis.
Favourite food: Gluten-free spaghetti with vegan tomatosauce, Salad, Vegan and gluten-free Pizza, Starbuck’s coffee.
Weakness: She has little to no idea what she is talking about.
2. The Political Atheist
The political atheist, contrary to our first entry, really got into the matter of religion and faith, with help of famous Authors like Karl Marx, Richard Dawkins and Ludwig Feuerbach. In his opinion there are some religions worth his protection and that would be Islam and all non-Christian religions from non-european countries and all religious groups that have fewer followers than Marxes whole work pages (except of course national-socialist esoterism and right-wing neo pagans!).
His problem with religion is, that it in his opinion creates all that is bad in the world: War(except for peace loving muslims of course), Social Injustice, Intolerance, pedophilia and sexual inhibition.
The only reason that people still follow those fairy tales must be a world wide conspiracy, for example those of war loving priests or those damn zionists, which control all the world’s finances. On special occasions like the 9th of November he is sometimes posting his theories to the facebook wall of his local communist worker’s party, for example that Israel belongs to the peace loving Palestinians and that Hamas is a proxy of the Mossad or he is inviting himself for a lecture of the history of Christianity, only to point out that Christians are ruthless barbarians that slaughtered the poor muslims and that ISIS is just a product of processing the trauma which the crusades have left.
„The church is run by money-loving ruthless criminals that would burn homosexuals and Jews alive if they could.“
Is often confused with: Nobody. Really you will know him when you see him and you will hear him before you see him.
Favourite food: Kebab and Hummus, because he is based and multicultural. AND NO, THOSE ARE NOT EXPENSIVE DOLCE AND GABANA SHOES!
Weakness: his logic is often flawed by his political agenda, his arguments are often bordering antisemitism, his greatest weakness is reality itself
3. The Beatles Atheist
He really took the song “imagine!” by heart. He probably really has done some research and experience with religion or so, but somehow he never really felt welcome and taken serious or so.
He feels very spiritual, sometimes ultra spiritual. He also has been to India where people in his opinion have a completely different understanding of the universe and their environment, but to believe in God? That’s not his thing really, an old man that tells you what to do, in his mind he doesn’t need such boundaries to his spiritual flow. He doesn’t really know what to think about all day and he likes talking about things, but really to make a commitment to something he refuses. And of course Mahatma Gandhi also said something about that, if he could only remember what. So if Mahatma says that, or something like that, who needs a God am I right?
Favourite argument: „I don’t want to be so constrained by that, man.“
Is often confused with: People who seriously and without naive expectations have interest in far-east religions.
Favourite food: Weed, Vegetarian Ayurveda-Curry
Weakness: He has no weakness. He isn’t even interested in beef with you, he is just annoying.
4. The I-Outsmart-You-Atheist
This sort of Atheist has at no time even considered to read into religion or faith. I mean why? Science will answer all our questions we could ever ask, and for all those questions for which science cannot find answers, those questions aren’t even worth asking and she is too intelligent to even consider wasting time on them.
Humans feel love because it makes sense in an evolutionary context. Mankind produces art because we have an overflow of thought and religious experiences have always been reproduced under influence of strong psychoactive drugs or magnetic waves, whatever.
The idea that, how the earth was created and why the earth was created, could have different reasons is too hard to grasp for her. And that is why she is leading her own crusade against every creationist she can find, it doesn’t matter if their religion has something to do with it or not. That for example the catholic church is leading in research of natural sciences and that every christian and jew can study as much natural sciences as he/she, wants will be ignored by her.
So the only explanation for her is that religious people are simply too stupid to grasp her advanced concept of thinking and that they simply cannot think as sharp as she does. The only Martyr she knows is Galileo Galilei and if one day she is might be struck by an existential crisis she will lose everything she usually does rely on.
Is easily confused with: Real signs of higher intelligence
Favourite food: We eat food to digest it and get the necessary energy input for our bodies to function properly, coffee and sugary stuff.
Weakness: Unimaginative, Boring personality and an almost zealotistic defense of science as “the only true answer”
5. The I-Eat-The-Souls-Of-My-Enemies-For-Breakfast-Atheist
This sort of Atheist has really gotten into religion, but the dark side of it. Because he is “evil”. He want’s his mother to be sad. He would grow a Whisker like Nietzsche but for that his puberal beard growth isn’t sufficient. He has a very broad collection of metal-bandshirts, because he is the Antichrist, but to be honest he never really made it beyond the first two pages of the St.John Revelation.
For shits and giggles alone, he pretends to be a real satanist, but he is secretly shitting his black underpants at the prospect of Satan answering to his calls. But good for him it is all nothing more than a charade in reality he doesn’t believe in it so it is not real, at least he hopes that.
But to be fair, under this menacing crust of dried beer, black and white face paint and eyeliner(that his little sister had to buy him), there is mostoften a good heart, he doesn’t really feel superior to religious people, he probably has a very social attitude, that only comes forth, when sits home at his granny’s place and drinks tea with her to listen to her old stories or when he meets somebody that is listening to the same music as him. As rough and brutal as he might seem, he just wants company and a feeling of belonging and in reality he doesn’t want that his mom is sad and crying, he only wants to be more interesting than the TV for once, so that she will take notice of him.
Favourite argument: Something with Witch trials, women and the medieval era
Is easily confused with: Guys that can be really dangerous
Favourite food: Human Flesh of course!
Weakness: Split ends in his Metal-Head; his social insecurities and his emotional vulnerability.