“So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]
Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go.
So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.“ -Scout Burns
Requested by: nobody lol but since @chronicfangirling made me bias Hongbin I had to write about him
Summary: Y/N gets jealous when her boyfriend Hongbin starts to hang out with a new female trainee more than her.
Word Count is 2,022
You met Hongbin when you were eleven years old, you had just moved to Korea from your home in Los Angeles, California after your mom was transferred to her offices Korean office. You didn’t speak fluent Korean when you moved so it made it complicated to make any friends. You met Hongbin through your neighbor Woojin two weeks after moving and he taught you how to speak Korean. You two got closer until eventually you were best friends and you spent all your time with him and Woojin. When he became a trainee you didn’t see him as often but he texted, called, and face timed you and Woojin when he could. Eventually you graduated from high school and started college and he was making as an idol in a group called VIXX.
You were a year into college living in a dorm with Woojin and his boyfriend Kaito when Hongbin showed up at your door and announced he was home for a week. He stayed at his parents for a few days and the remaining time of his visit sharing your bedroom and reminiscing about the past. The day before Hongbin left he took you out and you walked under the blooming cherry blossoms holding hands. At this point both of you were extremely nervous due to those hidden feelings you each had for each other. That day walking along the cherry blossoms was the best day of your life because that was the day you and Hongbin confessed and became lovers.
So do the other Nordics know that you two are back together?
Tino: I knew it would just be a matter of time before they got back together! Really, those two can just be real big… Mm…
Emil: I’m indifferent.
Louis: I still have no clue who that guy was or what was happening, but I do know Emma is still pretending she didn’t like that spiky haired, loud guy. And Tim, well… He said since he’s back in Europe, he’s leaving that can of worms on this continent where it belongs.
I F Y O U I D E N T I F Y A S P L A N T K I N O R S O M E O T H E R B U L L S H I T Y O U A R E D E L U S I O N A L T H E R E I S N O N I C E W A Y T O P U T I T Y O U B E L O N G O N S H U T T E R I S L A N D
‘I’m stuupid. So stuupid. A real big idiot for falling for you. I’m stuupid. Real stupid for thinking i’d stay cool with it. Lemme just crawl up into a ball and die die die..’ — Well what do you think? It’s kinda rough obviously. But I think it’s getting there…