i’m probably being an entitled princess here, no one is forcing me to hurry up my life plan, and yet
i would appreciate it if established adults (”real adults,” my friends and i called them in college) would not talk about me with respect to my marriage-and-babymaking prospects. or talk to my mom about it, as it happens more often.
i know they mean well, that they want me to be happy and fulfilled, but! i’m 22, at the very beginning of my career and trying to puzzle out what shape i want the course of my life to take. and if that includes marriage and children, fine, but i’ll honestly be surprised if and when i find a partner. a part of me wonders if i was simply made for different stuff. i am not ready. i may never be ready, and that’s for me to determine and decide.
Please take a few minutes of your time to read this. I’m not asking for anything. I just think that this is something that isn’t said enough.
My mom is extremely homophobic and recently, she found out that I’m gay. I didn’t tell her. My brother was talking to my mom and let it slip. And if I was not ready to tell her, I was definitely not ready for the backlash of her knowing. I was taking a nap when my mom found out. The moment my brother let it slip, he tried to take it back but it was too late. They started arguing and it woke me up. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying and looking back at it now, I’m glad I couldn’t. I later found out that my brother was trying to explain to my mom that nothing was wrong with me for liking girls. That my happiness was all that mattered. But my mom wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So my brother begged her not to say anything to me. Not until I told her myself. And she didn’t.
I could feel the tension during dinner but I didn’t bring it up until later that night. While I was getting ready to go to bed, my mom started asking me questions about boys. What kind of boys I like and stuff like that. Instead of answering the question, I changed the subject and asked about the argument. Her expression immediately changed from lighthearted to somber. In that instant, I knew I would regret asking. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I liked girls. The moment I registered what she was asking, I froze. I just stood there, staring at her. Tears began streaming down my face because I knew what was coming. And I wasn’t ready for it.
I never answered her question but my reaction was all she needed for confirmation. She became hysterical. She began saying things that I mostly blocked out because they hurt too much. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a choice, that I didn’t choose to be gay and she told me that I needed to change my thought process because my father was going to be ashamed of me. My father died of brain cancer when I was four and I always feared what he would think of me if he was still alive today. Hearing my mom say that hurt like hell. I broke down and my brother tried to comfort me but I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day, my mom acted like she didn’t just tear my heart out. She pretended like it didn’t happen and avoided making eye contact with me for a week. Now, we’re sort of back to normal but our relationship is strained. She’s in denial, always making passing remarks about homosexuals, and it will never go back to being the same after that.
Thank you for reading this. When I told my friends what happened, they told me that it was bound to happen eventually and that it was better my mom found out now. But they didn’t understand the feeling of having your mom tell you that she would rather die than have a gay child. Let me tell you, it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my 17 years of life.
If you know anyone who identifies on the lgbt+ spectrum, please don’t out them. Even if they stole your crayon when you were in Kindergarten and you haven’t liked them since, don’t out them. I had it better than most people. I know children who have been kicked out of their homes for being different. So don’t out anyone. Don’t bash anyone for being in the closet. You don’t know their situation. When they’re ready, they will work things out on their own.
let’s applause phil, who still travels with dan even though dan
• is never ready to leave on time
• leaves packing until last minute
• is so awkward that gets kicked out of a country
• literally forgets the only thing he needs to travel, his passport
• does stupid shit before leaving i.e sprays deodorant to his face
What do you think I’ve been thinking about with every swing of the hammer? How happy I am making weapons for the family that killed my father? The family that tried to kill me? I’ve been getting ready. I never knew what for, but I’ve always known I’d know it when it comes.
to make up for the last post i made which was sad i have carefully crafted a non sad post for you all, please consider:
-killian and carey laughing after playing a prank on magnus. they try to do a victory kiss but they’re grinning too hard for it to work.
-when lup has a body again she keeps putting her hands on barry. not even sexually, she just missed the scritch of his stubble and the squish of his stomach. barry jumps every time because it tickles.
-taako starts taking off the glamour that makes him look like he did before wonderland when he’s getting ready for bed. kravitz never mentions it, but sometimes he cups taako’s jaw in his hands and kisses him all over his face.
-on angus’s eighteenth birthday, taako gives him a new set of silverware. “couldn’t find the old ones,” he says. “but these can be a new family heirloom. taako brand original.” he doesn’t explicitly say that he is the new family, but judging by how hard angus happy-cries, he got the message anyway.
i need a list of all the stupid shit no one would expect Bitty to do other than trying to pick Tater up on the ice
okay so i had this half written and then didnt touch my computer for a week oops. so a list of stupid shit bitty has done that no one expects despite the fact he is a college student, a hockey player, a boy, and only 21:
shotgunned a beer at 10am the friday before finals bc fuck his life he’d been studying all week and if he aint ready now hes never gonna be
once nearly took out the legs of the dining room table trying to escape a post workout holster by sliding through the kitchen
ate a cold pizza straight from the box for breakfast because he was running late to class and it had been left on the table the night before
nearly fell off the roof while smoking with shitty and lardo
actually fell into the school swimming pool when the current seniors decided they wanted to break into the pool at 3am on a whim
nearly got arrested for trespassing in the park after dark bc shitty decided he wanted to play frisbee in the dark at 11pm
bitty actually was the least likely to get arrested considering he straight up vaulted over a short brick wall and tore down the side of hill away from the cop car
the others were honestly really impressed with his reaction time
did several chinese fire drills with the frogs the last time they drove to providence to see the falcs play (nursey nearly didn’t make it back into the car the very last time)
did a shot of absinthe to prove that his alcohol tolerence was amazing fuck you very much zack jimmermann
woke up the next morning on the cursed couch with a box of mickey d’s chicken nuggets sitting on his stomach and possibly a rash from said cursed couch
bus surfed (as in, balancing in the aisles without holding on not on top of the bus) on the local bus and nearly killed an old lady
rode down the Haus stairs in a laundry basket bc other than lardo and foxtrot he was the only one who would fit (lardo was too stressed and foxtrot has done some stupid shit with the boys but she at least has that much sense)
honestly i could probably come up with more but this was getting long
Pluto in the 1st:
Can feel like they don't exist at all, like the self is inactivated and unconscious. The individual can repeatedly question why they were born at all
Pluto in the 2nd:
It can seem like they don't truly touch anything, and nothing ever leaves them satisfied. Money can be equivocal to power. The voice can be too quiet
Pluto in the 3rd:
The mind can feel paralysed and the immediate environment can seem forbidding. The first instinct can be to calculate potential danger and threat
Pluto in the 4th:
Possibly feeling like the 'black sheep' of the family generated from the sense of being unwanted, as a result, they don't want to know themselves
Pluto in the 5th:
They can feel caged inside their own bodies and chains of self-negativity, it can obstruct the flow of free and spontaneous creative self expression
Pluto in the 6th:
There can be troubles with dexterity, maintaining routine, trouble maintaining employment, and compulsive rituals that are self destructive and can become matters of life and death
Pluto in the 7th:
The natural attraction to intense spirit can bring forth demanding, controlling, or belittling partners, it's possible to live a lifetime in somebody's shadow
Pluto in the 8th:
Everybody can be guilty of willing their demise or destruction until proved innocent. Unity of souls is most active with Pluto in the 8th, but it's impossible to conjure without deep trust
Pluto in the 9th:
It's possible for faith, religion, and all matters spiritual to seem threatening and daunting. The person may have grown up with repetitive and sometimes formidable religious teachings. As they grow older they begin to see the deception in these teachings from authority figures. As a result, the individual can doubt and distance themselves from every spiritual or esoteric pursuit
Pluto in the 10th:
It's possible for the individual to never feel 'ready' enough. As a child, they may have been conditioned to impress a superior like a parent or institution. It can mean that when they become an adult they are not sure who they must relentlessly impress, and they can become paralysed by choice, fear, or insecurity
Pluto in the 11th:
Dreams can be occluded by dark vision, the individual can self destruct when the vision is in sight. They can remain too secretive with friends and trust nobody enough to truly connect
Pluto in the 12th:
Sometimes being alone can feel like a child left in the dark. The individual can fear insanity, have troubles with sleeping, or suppress human sensitivity
When people are ready they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.