reading my old journal

I just don’t want to live with regret. I know I’ll make mistakes. That’s life. But I don’t want to die wishing I’d done things differently. I don’t want to waste my time on could-have-beens.
—  Journal Entry; Fall 2013
Pride and ignorance are very similar. Both dangerous, relentless, and self-destructive. The most terrifying factor of both of these emotions is that there magnitude is determined by that persons will. People will push themselves to extraordinary measures to protect themselves. I’m not sure if it’s pride or ignorance that traps your fears inside of yourself, probably both.
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Life is a beautiful thing. But you’re always striving to be better in your art, striving to be heard. And obviously in this business, it’s striving to be noticed and appreciated. I’m always surprised reading my old journals. There’s this idea that life is hard now, but then I’ll reach that moment where it’ll change. But there’s no summit. It’s a constant climb.

2

Life is a beautiful thing. But you’re always striving to be better in your art, striving to be heard. And obviously in this business, it’s striving to be noticed and appreciated. I’m always surprised reading my old journals. There’s this idea that life is hard now, but then I’ll reach that moment where it’ll change. But there’s no summit. It’s a constant climb.

“my time in college has shown me that there are people who can truly love me for me. I’ve learned that I can heal and I can love.
I’ve learned that nothing compares to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my God.”
-December 2, 2016

(forever re-reading old journal entries)

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May was a quiet and hard month. I was never diagnosed with depression, but I do have ‘episodes’ of depression where I get sad for periods of time. How do I know it’s an episode? I just feel anhedonic and rarely feel good about much. I try to stay positive because good people do come my way and I know a lot of people face this, but it’s just hard. You feel so alone, want to ask others for help, but at the same time, you don’t want to drag anyone down.

In May, I tried to let go of what hurt me, like I mentioned in April. I’m trying to work on my jealousy issues and focus on making myself a better person. I actually read my old journals and saw how happy I was years ago. I felt nostalgic and wanted to return to pre-teen Karen times, when my confidence was off the charts, my heart unbothered, and my bubbly personality was uncontrollable and annoying. I was a different kind of happy.

I can’t explain it, but there’s something about fresh teeny boppers entering high school. They have this light in their eyes and a hop in their step. Their self-esteem is crazy and they feel they can face the world without any help. They’re so brand new and unexposed to heart aches, adult responsibilities, and their happiness is unmatched. Then over time, heartbreaking situations knick us from left and right only to break down our facades, and all is left is me feeling vulnerable at 21. BUT, it’ll get better.

Memorable events this month include:

  1. Celebrating my little bro’s 19th birthday @ Bucca di Beppo + old karaoke
  2. Voting for BTS every day from the start of May to the 21st
  3. Finishing our school project, a Children’s Book about PTSD
  4. BTS winner the BBMA’s
  5. Swooning over Kim Sanggyun from Produce 101 ♡♡♡

Goals for June include: get real close to finishing my digital art piece, sort out my educational journey, continue working on my issues, get better using make up ♡♡

DISCLAIMER: Y’ALL IT’S JULY NOW AND UH, MAY WAS DEPRESSING. READING THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL AWKWARD SO DON’T THINK I’M AS DEPRESSED ANYMORE. BEEP BOOP ~PS, I didn’t include all the drawings I made in May, which were mainly from my Children’s Book~

reading my old journal entries that were written at the height of like a very broken and intense depressive episode like so bad i just needed to type every thought that entered my head to get that energy out make me so sad like why did she talk that away abt herself :( shez insecure…..dont kno what for 

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It’s always interesting for me, reading back on old journal entries and comparing them to my newer ones // Productivity Streak #6

0wayward--star0  asked:

1, 12, 18?

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

read: any of my personal writing/drabbles/short stories (also my old journals but that’s a whole other ballgame of pure nope)

watch: twin peaks, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

listen: all these songs I reblogged on my other blog 4ever ago ALSO all of ldr

12. dog person or cat person?

both!!!! I love all the fluffy animals

18. what’s your patronus?

a fat little grey cat

I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals and notebooks and I came across a note I left to myself, a concept for a book:

Hunter S. Thompson meets Lana del Rey. Sprawling prose. Heady. A humid Caribbean summer day.

Specifically, I have no idea what the fuck I was planning, but I also kinda know what I was getting at. That sounds great. I better remember what this was about because that sounds like a book I’d read and write.