reading humour

archiveofourown.org
Interoffice Communication
By Organization for Transformative Works

Author: Snegurochka | Word Count: 10.5k | Rating: NC-17

Summary: Draco has convinced the Auror department to test his new messaging charm for secure communications. Harry really would have preferred that he not find out through messages like, ‘Yeah, tonight you’re going to beg me for it,’ that the system wasn’t as secure as they thought.

Review: Eep so much fun - it’s hot and entertaining and, as you can tell from the summary, this fic is quite the ride! :D

Draco is a charms inventor, and approaches the auror department to test out his new charm that kind of is like magical texting. Except Harry ends up being on the receiving end of one Draco’s magical sexts instead! It’s hilarious and cringey of course, but gosh it is so delicious when Harry decides to just run with it!

Content/Warnings: Humour, Smut, Draco/OMC

Mood Music: Into You - Ariana Grande

  • Witches who have their shit together: Pursue your craft! Choose your passion and study it! Spend every day writing your book of shadows! Study more than one type of magic so you can expand your interests!
  • Me: Tag yourself I'm tarot failure and sigil bitch
How to respond to advice in the pet community:

It’s no secret that the tumblr pet community can be brutal. We’re very passionate about the little lives we provide for. We show concern and empathy for others that may not be in ideal conditions. Sometimes we get overly passionate and can say some rough things. So how should we approach husbandry or animal concerns.

- Be formal, considerate and exact with language choices. If at all possible send the person a PM before directly replying to the post unless you need support for sources.

- Don’t say anything about the keeper. Avoid you statements entirely. This is about the animal.

- Be specific in what should be fixed. Focus on majors and things that are easier to remedy. If the animal is in a messy enclosure which is a health risk, that’s often more important than the cage being a stock one. Pick your battles.

- Provide sources and evidence. Care sheets, videos, pictures, articles. Label what each source is, keep things organized.

- If the keeper shows interest in fixing things work with them. If they don’t apologize and step back. If you really must throw a final comment make it passive and about the animal. “It’s easier on their feet to use the fleece and easier to clean. Just figured I’d save you a bit of time and money. You’ll be surprised on how many people will at the very least look it up.

- Use personal stories. Even if they’re dark. Showing that it is in fact reality can interest people.

- And show a genuine interest in the animal. Ask questions about their likes and dislikes. Their story. You’re then a friend and not just calling them out.

As for the people receiving the criticism . There are right and wrong ways to respond as to not escalate an argument and breed hostility.

- Read what was sent. Humour them even if you can’t or won’t change. You might find something you will do that you didn’t know before.

- Thank them. You can be insulted. Your ego can be burned. But thank them for the sources and say you’ll look into them. This ends the conversation then an there. Bonus points if you do read the sources.

- Correct them. If it was an old post and you’ve already fixed things, link them to something current. If you truly believe they provided something incorrect explain it and provide evidence.

- Do not provide a pet store employee as a superior source! They aren’t a valid source as the actual skill and experience varies. The "fish expert” might be in charge of the fish department, but has never kept a fish for its full lifespan and their only training is the instructional video.

- Ask questions. People are more than happy to answer.

X Don’t get defensive. Your pride is not worth a life and chances are arguing is only going to make people annoyed with you.

X Don’t laugh and brush off. You sound like a bitch and no body likes that.

X Don’t rely on old information and refuse to further your pet education. That’s the biggest key to being a successful pet parent.

X Don’t use money or space as an excuse. We’ve heard it all before and your answer will always be the same. You shouldn’t have the pet.

Continue your pet education, share and learn. No one is perfect and you will always find something new.

ID #82191

Name: Naomi
Age: 20
Country: Germany

Hello everyone!
This is my first time submitting a post on here so I hope I’m doing this right :D

My name is Naomi and I’m a university student from Germany. I study Applied Computer Science which is less boring than it sounds, I promise! :D
I’m a bit shy in real life and it takes me some time to open up to people so I hope meeting people online will be easier! I want to chat with people from all over the world but English or Japanese native-speakers would be awesome! You don’t need to correct my grammar or anything like that but if you want to that’s great! If you not let’s just chat :D

I don’t mind age, gender, sexuality etc. so everyone is welcome :)
I think of myself as pretty easy-going, non-confrontational and generally nice. But that doesn’t mean I’m a push-over :D I try to be as positive as I can but I’m German so it’s hard from time to time :D

I really love British humour and comedy in general. Everything from stand-up to sketches, I’m game! I really love Monty Python and similar humour.

I also love TV shows like Merlin, Sherlock,Supernatural, Hannibal, RuPaul’s Drag Race (my current obsession) and many more that I’ve currently forgotten!

I also love to read and I’ll read anything! Non-fiction, novels, short stories, poetry. I also like to write in my spare time.

Apart from that I also really like being on the Internet (don’t we all?), video games, going out with friends and doing sports.

We can chat on e-mail, tumblr, LINE or skype. I speak German, Japanese, English and some French.

So if after all of that you think you might like to become pen pals with me please feel free to write to me! I’m looking forward to hearing from you :D

Have a nice day!

Preferences:  Someone who enjoys writing long e-mails as much as I do and can talk about all kinds of differenct topics!

Lip Balm

Title: Lip Balm

Summary: Dan and Phil leave the next Danisnotonfire video up to the fans and they vote for the lip balm challenge. 

Relationship: Phan

Characters / Pairing: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Word Count: 2,139

Warnings: M/M, some serious swearing (I mean, come on guys… It’s Dan we’re talking about here), some bants (meaning banter - lmao it just looks some weird ship name for pants), we got a little bit o’ making out (dayyuuuum but I guess you can kind of assume from the summary??), FLUFFFFFFFF, humour (well idk it depends on if you think it’s funny - personally i think i’m fukin hilarious but idk that’s probs just me), friendstolovers yo

AU where Dan and Phil aren’t married.

Or the one where Dan gets distracted by kissing Phil and forgets to guess the flavour. #friendstolovers

**

There’s a long pause before Dan finally breaks the silence.

“This is actually happening.”

The camera is on a tripod and rolling, the lights are focused on their faces, and there’s a bag beside each of their feet.

This is actually happening.

They’re sitting on Dan’s bed next to each other and Dan can’t help but feel extremely nervous.

“Hello internet! So last week, we had just returned from New York and couldn’t think of any video ideas. Instead of making an incredibly generic overdone video, we turned to you guys!” Dan explains enthusiastically.

Phil is just nodding along and glancing at Dan every now and then, adding another layer of extra pressure.

“We asked you all to come up with an idea for my next Danisnotonfire video, and the percentage was overwhelmingly outweighed by one specific idea. You’ll never guess what it was…” He trails off, giving the camera an extremely annoyed expression. “A generic, overdone video.”

Phil chuckles from next to him, causing the corner of Dan’s mouth to twitch but he stills it mentally and keeps talking. “We asked you guys for an idea to avoid a generic video, and you guys voted for a generic video.”

“You might want to tell them what we’re doing, Dan.” Phil reminds him patiently, a hint of laughter still in his voice.

Dan shoots Phil a look and retorts, “Calm your titballs there, Lester! I’m getting to it.”

Phil shakes his head and Dan ignores this.

“Today - because an overwhelming 76% of you asked for it - Phil and I will be doing…”

His flatmate drums on the post of Dan’s bed.

“The lip balm challenge!” Dan announces as Phil ends his reckless drumroll.

“I think I’ve seen this before,” Phil comments, looking curiously over at Dan. “Isn’t this for couples?”

“It is indeed,” Dan agrees with a sigh. “Basically, how this will work is person A will put on a blindfold, then person B puts on a chosen flavour of lip balm and locks lips with person A. Person A will have to guess which flavour it is that person B has on.”

“Dan and I went to the dollar store because Dan’s cheap and-”

“I am not cheap!”

“-We bought five different flavours of lip balm.” Phil explains, ignoring Dan’s interjection.

Dan huffs and goes to pull the lip balms out of one of the bags at their feet. “But - of course - we couldn’t go to a bath & body store without Phil buying
a thousand bath bombs and facial moisturizers.”

Phil crosses his arms indignantly. “That’s not true! Besides, you like them too.”

Dan smirks as he holds up the lip balms and prepares to name the flavors for the camera. “Touché.”

He holds the lip balms up higher so they are definitely in the shot. “These are the five flavours we chose.”

He hands two to Phil and takes three for himself. “Here I have Rosemary Eucalyptus, Tangerine Lime, and Cocoa.”

Phil checks his lip balms too. “I have Grapefruit Clove and Cinnamon Mint.”

“So - with that in mind - I guess we will begin. Are you ready Phil?”

“I’m ready!”

“Then let’s get started.” Dan turns and grabs the familiar red blindfold from the bag at his feet and looks at Phil. “Who wants to go first?”

“I want to go last,” Phil says quickly. “I want to know what each one tastes like on my lips before I go.”

Dan sighs and his heart starts to pick up pace. “I guess I’ll go first then.”

He hands the blindfold to Phil and turns so that Phil can tie it around his head.

As soon as it covers his eyes, Dan gets a lurch of panic that sparks through his body.

No matter what, there’s no going back now.

He can no longer see anything coming so he has no time to prepare.Taking a deep breath, Dan sticks his palm out with the lip balms he has in Phil’s general direction until he feels their weight relieved from his hand.

Folding his hands in his lap (because what the fuck else is he supposed to do with them), Dan feels his other senses kick into hypersensitive mode.

He’s aware of Phil’s presence, of the racing of his heart beat, of the the blood pumping through his body, he can taste the saliva in his mouth, he can smell the lack of fresh air caused by not opening a window in a while.

Everything is beginning to overwhelm Dan from all of the information his senses are sending his brain.

“Do I just show which one I chose to the camera?” Phil asks suddenly, startling Dan by his spontaneity.

“Er, yeah sure. I’ll edit in a count of how many points we have after we finish filming.” He adds.

Phil goes quiet again and Dan just assumes that he’s showing the camera his choice of lip balm and putting it on.

“Alrighty Daniel, pucker up!” Phil exclaims cheerily.

Dan’s heart trips over itself at the childish words.

He can literally feel the space between them getting smaller and smaller.

His last fleeting thought is, ’fuckity fuckity fuck’.

Then a pair of soft, warm lips wrap around his top one and his brain goes white.

He is too shocked to react, but Phil’s lips move at a perfectly paced tempo, slowly coaxing Dan’s body into reacting.

Woah.

Dan’s lips twitch against Phil’s and suddenly they’re moving in sync, harmonizing in the beautiful symphony Phil has started.

And fuck this is so good.

Somehow, his hand finds its way to his best friend’s cheek and Dan stabilizes the kiss, relishing the taste and feel of Phil’s lips on his own.

They’re so soft and delicate and Dan’s almost afraid Phil’s bottom lip will just slip right out from between his own, but it doesn’t.

The next thing he knows, Phil’s pulling away and Dan makes what has to be the most mortifying noise of disappointment he’s ever made in his life.

His cheeks flush crimson and there’s just no point in hiding it now.

“What’s your guess?”

“Huh?”

“What flavour do you think it was?” Phil repeats.

Oh.

Oh.

Dan was supposed to be guessing what flavor of lip balm Phil was wearing.

But he was too caught up in actually kissing Phil than guessing what flavour the bloody ChapStick was.

“I didn’t really get that great of a taste.” Dan admits awkwardly. “Could I get another go?”

Phil laughs and Dan’s ears perk at the sound.

He opens his mouth to speak again when he’s cut off by Phil’s lips connecting with his own.

And he’s sucked right back into Phil’s addictive lip-lock.

Focus Dan! You want to win this thing, don’t you?

Forcing himself to stop twirling in the high that is Phil’s kiss, Dan tries to focus on tactics to get a better taste of the lip balm.

Lick it off.

His stomach flutters at the thought, but it does make logical sense.

Here goes nothing.

Dan slowly lets his tongue venture out and glide innocently along Phil’s lower lip.

And the whine that Phil makes is so fucking hot.

Swallowing a groan, Dan gently sucks Phil’s bottom lip into his mouth, licking it with long, precise strokes.

He definitely recognizes that flavour.

A small moan - so small Dan almost can’t hear it - is released from Phil as Dan sucks skillfully on his lower lip and Dan literally has to pull himself away so he doesn’t jump Phil then and there.

Their lips disconnect with a soft popping sound and Dan resists the powerful urge to lean back in.

That can wait for another time.

Instead he clears his throat and says, “That was definitely eucalyptus. Whatever that eucalyptus flavour was, it was that one.”

“Rosemary Eucalyptus?” Phil muses.

“Yeah sure, whatever.” Dan waves it off.

He holds his breath as Phil is silent for a moment.

“I… I think you’re right…?”

“I’m right. I know eucalyptus when I taste it.” Dan says confidently.

“Should I move onto the next one?”

“Mhmm.”

“Alright. How many am I doing again?”

“Three.”

“Right. Well, I’ll tell you when I’m done, okay?”

“Fine by me.”

And Dan’s forced to wait again.

He can’t help but wonder why he’s always refrained from kissing Phil.

He knew deep down he was scared. Not because of sexuality or fans or anything like that, but scared of losing Phil.

Before Phil is anything, he is Dan’s best friend and Dan would cry himself to sleep every night if Phil left him.

It’s sad, but it’s the truth.

“Phil, I- mmfph.” Dan begins to express these thoughts to him when he’s - again - cut off by Phil’s lips and he nearly passes out.

How does this get better every single time they do it?

He goes for the tongue quicker this time, opening his lips against Phil’s and gently tugging his lower lip into his mouth, the slow suction releasing a strong flavour of cinnamon.

Dan immediately pulls away and gags, coughing as he turns to face away from Phil.

“Are you alright, Dan?” Phil asks worriedly.

Dan doesn’t respond, instead attempting to swallow away the overwhelming flavour.

Once he can speak again, he chokes out the word, “Cinnamon.”

Phil gives him the point.

Eventually - by the time they’re switching - Dan’s blindfold is untied and he flinches at the bright lighting, giving his eyes a moment to adjust.

Phil offers him the blindfold and Dan smiles and takes his, tying it gently around Phil’s head and securing the knot.

“Fifty shades,” he says in a false husky tone as he finishes.

Phil barks out a laugh and Dan chuckles as well, mentally going through his lip balm options.

Which will Phil not guess?

He settles with Cocoa and holds it up to the camera to show the viewers. He is then uncapping the lid and putting it onto his lips until they’re slick and flavourful.

Dan turns to look at Phil and warn him of his advance, but his eyes soften when he sees the sight presented to him.

Phil is sitting in front of him with his knees pulled up underneath him in a cross-cross position and a cute smile spread across his lips.

For this reason, Dan has no trouble crawling forward on hands and knees and connecting their lips softly.

Phil squeaks in surprise and Dan chuckles breathily through his nose.

After a few seconds, Phil gets more adventurous and rolls Dan’s bottom lip between his teeth to get the flavour off of it.

Dan moans.

He literally moans.

Like… Sexually.

And his cheeks flush with embarrassment, but Phil doesn’t seem bothered by this at all, instead continuing the action with more confidence, leaving Dan in a wrecked state when he pulls away to answer.

“That’s chocolate,” Phil announces, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.

Dan pouts. “You weren’t supposed to get that.”

“I thought it was cinnamon at first, actually. Then I realized it was richer and I knew it was chocolate.”

Dan nods, tasting some off of his lips. “Alright Phil, I’m about to choose the next one so I need you to be quiet, which I know is quite challenging for you.”

Phil sticks his tongue out at Dan and the brunet laughs.

Holding up the Grapefruit Clove flavour, he makes sure that it’s focused and visible.

He applies it to his lips and crawls forward to press them to Phil’s.

Phil - clearly not expecting this - turns his head and they bump noses.

Fuck!” Dan exclaims, clutching it as he retreats.

Phil cringes and grabs at his own too. “Ouch! You could’ve warned me, Dan.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to turn your head, you acorn!” Dan retorts, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Phil sighs and Dan softens a bit.

“… I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

A small smile finds it’s way onto Phil’s lips and Dan’s heart stutters.

“It’s alright, Dan. I should’ve waited for your cue to move anyway.” Phil consoles, reaching out for Dan’s shoulder blindly.

Dan snickers and moves so that it does.

“I’m going to go for it now, if you’re cool with that?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

And Dan leans forward, colliding heaven and Earth once again as their lips meet.

He melts into the kiss and they slowly begin to morph into more lip-sucking (purely for the tasting aspect of course…) and lip-rolling.

Dan even gives into the urge to lean back in and peck Phil’s lips a last time before pulling away.

They play this game again after the video is finished, as well.

They claim it’s to taste all of the flavours, but they both know very well that this is a load of massive horseshit.

Fuck cherry lip balm, Dan’s new favourite flavour is Phil.

**

archiveofourown.org
Seeker, Chaser, Keeper
By Organization for Transformative Works

Author: VivacissimoVoce | Word Count: 59.1k | Rating: NC-17

Summary: Rumor has it that a wealthy investor is starting up a brand new professional Quidditch team and he’s looking for players. Harry and Draco both want to make the team, but there can be only one Seeker. Will competing for the position bring them closer or drive them further apart?

Review: Probably my favourite Quidditch drarry story! Because yes, it has all those things we love about this most beloved trope - match thrills, hot sex, “competitiveness” as a mask for intense flaming attraction lol - but so so much more. 

All the featured characters are just so cool! It’s extremely fun reading as well, with rather unique ideas and a very well played out plot with some of the best characterisations and dialogue. An immediate rec for anyone looking for some fun and entertaining reading :) 

Content/Warnings: Quidditch, Humour, Physical Training

Mood Music: Work This Body - WALK THE MOON