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February 22, 2012

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Remember: just because they’re blue doesn’t mean you can pop them like M&Ms.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

If you can’t pleasure yourself, how the hell are you gonna pleasure somebody else?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your real friends are the ones that give you their spare tampons unconditionally.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Trick wise, you have a hankering for an AQUARIUS or a PISCES.  Each sold separately.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Well this is new territory - finding someone that can manage your flights of b*tchy.  Keeper!

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

For a limited time only - although you are not the brightest b*tch on the block, you are the prettiest.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

There’s an old soul inside of you… and she’s on the Life Alert waiting list.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Well I’m certainly glad someone’s on top of their P’s and Q’s (See LEO).

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Under your seat you’ll find… wait for it… your very own personal road map for revenge!

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your day is looking like an episode of Bachelor - but with fag hags.  Someone make this show!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Today, you’re gonna cruise the cute pretzel guys at the Village Square Market.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re just not the kind of b*tch who would give up meat but still eat fish.

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For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!