rdr4

March 23-25, 2012 WEEKEND EDITION

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It’s all kai-kai and games until you get your credit card bill.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Introspection for you means staying home watching Bravo with a big bowl of nachos - the less “whole-grain”, the better.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

The next shade you throw will be so fierce it will come with a receipt.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

S. Y. M.  Suppress.  Your.  Mess.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Sunday will be the day to celebrate the end of your downward spiral on Saturday.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It will be especially difficult to forgive and forget tackiness this weekend.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally lock eyes with someone at the bar who you’re not interested in, but he thinks you are?

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Ooh, handy!  A new spatula you can add to your “Stirring The Pot” collection.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

“I am not a doormat.”  Repeat up to three times daily, preferably after intercourse.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Tread lightly with this new act.  The Apollo can be downright nasty.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

After buying that new pair of shoes, you’ll realize there’s more to life than people.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

What started off as an innocent text message from an auto-insurance agent will develop into a really weird flirtation.  Needless to say, this is right up your smoky alley.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show.)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

March 16-18, 2012 WEEKEND EDITION

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You are this close to crossing over the boundary from “romantic potential” to “one of his  gays.”

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It looks like someone’s stuck in Wah! County.  If you gotta whine, at least show some skin.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

No matter what you do, you’re still the new kid in school.  Own it.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It ain’t over until the fat ladyboy lip-syncs for her life.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Anything you say will be put through the PISCES filter, which will make it frustrating to communicate.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

That clickety-clack sound you hear is your brain going, “how shady is this tranny at my window?”

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’ll take some hair-pulling to get to what’s right and wrong.  Once you’re there you will take no prisoners.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

The good news is: you’re cute especially when disheveled.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Put on your weight suit, slutty outfit and loud-mouth-amplifier.  You’re about to get fag-hagged.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

What happens in Monterey Park, stays in Monterey Park.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

I can’t vouch for your face, but… actually there is no “but”.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Don’t let your ex-pimp pressure you to get back into your old life.  Jesus is your pimp now.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show.)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!