lol @ how i have struggled w mental illness since day 1 and none of the doctors ever really gave enough of a fuck to help me out or help guide my parents to a conclusion based on my symptoms. my OCD was not seen as a big deal, when in fact it was very fucking severe. when i told my doctor about my anxiety she told me to try out yoga. i had a chemical imbalance in my brain, yoga would not have fucking cured that. i struggled my entire life always having a weird feeling inside my stomach and chest, and it was so hard most days because i could not vocalize how i was feeling cause i didn’t even know it myself. it took me 16 years and i was finally medicated instead of being told to brush my symptoms under the rug. i was not treated the way i should have been treated. i was not given the proper care for my illness for a very long time. just because you cannot see it does not mean that it is not there. it was there, but nobody but myself had to deal with it. it was inside of my head, i was left to bear the burden of a sick brain from a very young age. i know i was really sick because i didn’t think anything was wrong with me, i thought that is how everyone was supposed to feel. i voiced my concerns and they went unheard. i know i could have been so different if i had gotten the help i needed earlier. 

anonymous asked:

I was reading a fic awhile ago. It was when like Dan and Phil broke up but 2 years later I think phil is killing him self but Dan has a dream of Phil muddying him and said something along these lines "your killed me not I must kill you". Then he wakes up thinking something is wrong with Phil and I think he saves him.

Can anyone help find this fic?

- Tori

anonymous asked:

Chris I really need help. I caught myself last night praying to God, begging him to kill me, to just take me. With money problems and mental health problems, I'm so scared. I'm so lost I don't know what to do. I see a shrink but it's not helping.

Beautiful. You were praying to God. God has you on this earth for a purpose. You are needed. You are important. You are vital to the lives of others and you will fulfill so many amazing things while you are alive. You are supposed to be here. I love you, I believe in you. Things will look up. <3

I ate a cookie because my Big came for the night and idk how I feel.
Like, I ate it, so obviously I don’t need help.
But I feel disgusted with myself for eating it because I didn’t need it and I only had it out of a feeling of obligation towards her. In all reality I wasn’t obligated to take or eat it, but I did and I am filled with all the negative emotions.
The next fifteen hours will be hell and a half and I’m not prepared in the slightest

anonymous asked:

Even as a vegan I still have intense fear foods, and when I eat them have incredible anxiety and guilt and associate them with me gaining weight, like dates, chocolate, Lenny Larry cookies/protein bars, nuts, pasta, and any oil. Lately after dinner I've been having a l&l cookie like all week and there's a part of my brain that wonders if I didn't have them all week and cut them out if I were to lose any weight because of it idk what's wrong with me

I am SO proud of you for eating them love. Stop overthinking the decision to have them and instead think of food as like, “Hm, what NUTRIENTS and FUEL will I get out of this food?! A Lenny & Larry’s cookie? Wonderful– it has protein, iron, calcium, and fiber! AND they taste delicious.” Food is fuel, that’s it :)

anonymous asked:

You're my inspiration. How did you change your relationship with food? I can feel myself falling back into old habits. I see all your food and I'm in awe. You seem to be so carefree with it now and see that food is just energy. How did you get to this place?

Thank you so much anon, I appreciate that.

The biggest driving factor for me was, well, 2 big things–

1. Running. I knew if I wanted to compete and compete well, I had to fuel myself correctly– to stay free from injury, to avoid burning out, to honor my team and coaches, and most importantly give myself a chance to do what I knew I could do.

2. My family, especially my mom and dad. It broke their hearts seeing me go through it. I didn’t want them to cry anymore. I also wanted to stop crying myself.

Those 2 things were enough motivation for me to really work hard at looking at food is fuel.

I hope you are well, and I am sending you strength and love <3

we found other ways to fill ourselves up and they were rarely good. razors didn’t do anything but hollow us out. liquor saved the pain for the next day in a double dose. we ate until we felt sick, we refused to eat until we were sick. we stopped talking to anyone, we spent too much time socializing and not enough sleeping. we tried to save others and not ourselves. we gave advice we wouldn’t follow, tomorrow always came with regret. we shook so bad we couldn’t spell our names pretty but we still did our makeup well. we spent too much money, we never went to work. we were lonely but we never made close friends, we couldn’t get hurt but we were always hurting anyway. it was hard to pin us down. moth kids disguising ourselves as butterflies, always so terribly ready to die.