For the first two months after my breakup, I was still holding onto the hope that we may still get a chance to patch things up.
I kept his photos and photos of us together on Facebook, just in case we’d get back together. I referred to him as my boyfriend in conversations with friends. And I’d refused to tuck away the little photo frame that held the photo of us together, taken by his aunt on Chinese New Year 2013.
In my nightly prayers, I had begged God to help me get him back, convinced that he’s still the one despite evidences of the contrary. For two months, I had perpetuated a lie in my mind and in my heart.
In a moment of weakness, I had allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. I offered him help with his gym’s PR and went to his gym for open mats when my teammates were away at the battleground. He refused my help point blank, and he’d almost broke my arm when he caught me in an armbar. The person I loved and wished to come back to was no longer there. He’d obviously moved on, so should I.
Crushed and shocked with my discovery, I spent the next day venting to three separate close friends, all of whom had the same thing to say: let it go.
I had to put myself in a third person’s perspective to make it easier to swallow. What would I do if an amazing friend I know who is ambitious, helpful and kind gets hung up on a guy who is egoistical, lazy and ungrateful? Simple, I’d tell her to leave him. I got my answer.
I had a good cry and later decided that it was time for that leap of faith. With bated breath, I removed each one of his pictures on my Facebook page. I removed every vestige of him left in my life. I tucked away the photo album, put away all the gifts he’d given me and when people asked, I patiently revealed that I’m now single.
I realized that I was only hanging onto the relationship with dear life because it had become some sort of a comfort zone for me. It’s so familiar that it’s pretty much become a part of me. But by letting go, I was suddenly able to accept that what happened would’ve happened anyway, sooner or later. I wasn’t happy and the breakup was timely. Best of all, I no longer saw the breakup as a failure on my part. It’s not me, it’s the incompatibility. I am well on my way toward complete recovery.
My prayer conversation also changed. Instead of praying for him to come back or praying for God to help me bring him back, I asked God to help me let go. I asked God to help me move on, and He did.
A week after making a conscious decision to let go, a new guy asked me out. Flattered as I am, I decided to take it slow this time. I may be 31 but I’m in no hurry to get swept up in romance. The next time it happens, I want to make sure it’s with the right man.