I really do try to keep a firm grip on the distinctions between reality and my disordered perceptions of myself and the world, but sometimes it’s even harder than it otherwise would be, because many of those perceptions are at least somewhat supported by experience.

I think I’m amazing and wonderful to a superlative degree, and many people apparently feel that way about me too.  I believe that I’m immune to the consequences of my actions, and I often get away with things that should be disastrous, or find a way out of the trouble I get into.  I’m paranoid, but many people would genuinely seek my death.  I think I’m brilliant and that I’m always right, and quite a few people seem to agree.  I think everything is about me and I should be the center of attention, and that often turns out to be the case.  These are just a few examples.

Abstractly, I know what’s real and what isn’t, but that doesn’t make my disordered perceptions feel any less real, and sometimes it seems like the world is trying very hard to prove to me that those perceptions are true.  For the most part I don’t mind it - with a few exceptions (like the paranoia) I usually enjoy it very much - but it does often make it harder to see the world clearly.

*Person talks to me about their personal problem*

*Me not listening to his/her blabbering* Shit,i didn’t pay any attention. What was he/she saying? Guess i will have to use the standard stuff.

*Also me* *your queue is in 3.2.1. GO!* It’s all going to be alright, you are so strong,and i will always be there for you, you know that right?

*Person* Wow, you are such a good friend, you always find the best words.

Honestly I will NEVER understand the apprehension against tony in the civil war?? Especially when it comes to the team cap people being arrested??? Sam says “that’s cold” when his equipment is taken away as if Tony specifically made that decision, and steve accuses tony of throwing all his friends in jail and yet….. IT ISNT TONY THAT DOES IT??

Like. Tony saw this new document that says “if you Super Power you go to jail now it isn’t legal anymore unless you wanna help out the government in which you’ll be treated similar to another branch of the military.” And. He goes. Alright. I won’t do anything illegal. I’ll sign.

And steve doesn’t sign. That’s it. That’s how simple it is. Steve and everyone who joins him become CRIMINALS and Tony has very little if nothing he can do about it. So when everyone is mad at TONY for adhering to law, and love team cap for becoming a criminals and being punished accordingly… I just really don’t get it.

Tony even says “I had no idea they’d put you in here.” He tries TRIES SO HARD to get steve and his team protection, Ross is ready to shoot on sight and tony says give me time to bring them in safely. In the end Tony is ready to switch sides when he realizes things are more complex than he originally thought.

Stop blaming Tony for trying to work within the law to protect his friends and keep them out of conflict?? If anything Tony is the mature one in the situation? Documents can be amended, and Tony knew that. He knew whatever problems they had with the Accords they could work out. He isn’t personally responsible for the jailing of criminals. That’s never been in his power.

Tbh, the theory that Pennywise is one of the opposing Beam guardians (one of the demons that originated from Todash, and now pulls against the energy Beams holding up all universes, in opposition to the Good Animal Deities) is a great theory that I actually really like, and I wish that it would be addressed at some point.

The Beam Gods are all represented by animals, and the demon opposition would, in turn, also be represented by animals (and colors) - Pennywise’s attachment to the color orange, for example, is unusual to the point in which it’s described as being almost “super villain” like; as in the way comic book villains are “themed” around specific subjects for no real, apparent reason.

Using the color orange consistently has no practical purpose, but causes the monster and its forms – otherwise a hodgepodge of unrelated creatures on the surface, to become almost “branded,” causing a direct association between Itself and the color orange.

Pennywise is ONLY aware of the Turtle, Maturin, when it comes to other cosmic deities. This indicates very distinctly that IT is likely the demon that corresponds to the Turtle, on the same beam “wavelength,” and it’s particular annoyance and occasional preoccupation with Maturin is indicative of a rivalry the likes of which it doesn’t have with anyone else, save for maybe the Losers.

While Maturin makes brief statements about It being unaware of any higher powers or other similarly-powered deities, despite their existence, he also notes that It always looks “in one direction,” (perhaps towards the Earth); however, this could also suggest it faces in the direction of the Beam that it opposes ,or in the opposite direction. 

Whatever one might say, It does not seem aware of Gan (SK’s in-universe “God”), and only becomes suspicious when humans begin to gain the upper hand. Still, It is aware of the Beams, and aware that Maturin created the Earth - even stating rather vaguely that every creature follows the path of the Beam.

Its knowledge of the Beam and the Turtle specifically, while being unaware of most else, implies that it is aware of everything it needs to be aware of when it comes to its specific duties and goals – and opening up the human world to Todash monsters would be beneficial to all. One proposed question I had, however, was this: 

The Crimson King, the main villain from the Dark Tower series and Insomnia, is canonically aware of It’s existence in Derry, proven by a comment he made to a character (who knew nothing about Pennywise). The comment was something to the effect of Shapshifting being a “time-honored custom in Derry,” which could be a reference to nothing else besides that – the suggestion that the Crimson King is aware of IT, but IT is not aware of CK; is a little strange to me – particularly in the case in which CK almost seems prideful of It’s inhabitation of Derry.

The case I may have to go with is that IT does not consider CK a “higher power” the same way it would not consider Mr. Gray from Dreamcatcher, or the Tommyknockers, or characters like Randall “higher powers.”

While dangerous, these characters are either mainly organic, don’t have powers, are half-human; and all are probably less-powerful. Perhaps the existence of these beings is not significant to IT (despite it presumably being aware of the Tommyknockers as well, and almost certainly aware of time-traveling humans).

the weirdest thing about a lot of the common criticisms of millennials i see is that they all seem to boil down to:

you are soft. you believe the world should be kind. you expect people to treat you fairly. you think your needs are important, that you deserve to be listened to, that you shouldn’t be hungry and frightened and in pain. 

and people are seriously SO OFFENDED by this. like, how dare you. how dare you believe the world might be a good place, how dare you believe you should be treated well just for existing. life is pain, princess, anyone who tells you different is selling something, now wipe that smile off your face, shut your mouth and go suffer like i did.

and it’s just like… i have a kid. if she grows up expecting better treatment than i experienced as a young woman, i’m doing my job. i know the world isn’t perfect, but random cruelty isn’t something we should just shrug our shoulders and accept, and it’s so fucking weird how angry people get at youngsters who refuse to do just that.

I think we need to normalize the idea of marrying friends. I don’t mean in a “the best romantic relationships come from the best friendships” type way, though I do believe that’s true. I mean in a “I have zero romantic feelings for you, but I would totally spend the rest of my life committed to a future where you are my primary partner and maybe even raise a family together” type way.

Like, I don’t think it should be an aromantic-exclusive option, or a plan B when you and your best friend are still single at 40 and want to take yourselves out of the dating market.

I’ve heard it mostly as that backup plan, that “if I don’t find anyone, I’ll just marry Trish haha”, and I don’t think that’s even what I’m talking about normalizing. That’s a secondary outcome, seen as “giving up” on finding “real love”, and even if a pair of friends go for it, it’s plagued with this general feeling of “sub par”.

What I mean is that marrying a best friend (or having a committed intimate or emotional platonic relationship) should be seen as just as worth doing as marrying someone you’re in love with. It should be normal for teenagers to try as many committed friendships as they do romantic relationships. It should be normal for someone to say “this is my best friend and if everything works out, maybe we’ll move in together later” or “Trish and I have been roommates for two years now. We’re considering adopting soon, or Trish might carry a child!”

And as an aromantic person, it shouldn’t be strange for me to say “I prefer friendship to romance”. People should hear that and nod their heads like “that’s understandable. John feels the same.”

Hell, I see so many people expressing that they prefer their friends’ company to their romantic partner’s. “My friends understand me better and I think treat me better” and they’re expected to go home to this person, to marry and have kids with this person. It’s bizarre to me. Your platonic feelings for your friend aren’t inferior to your romantic feelings for your boyfriend, and if one of them treats you better than the other, I think you should probably rethink which one is your primary partner.

I also find it strange that it’s not more common in poly spaces for a friend to be considered a legitimate “partner”. In a world where friendships were just as likely to bloom into life partnerships as romantic relationships, I think polyamory would be much more commonplace. “I committed to Josephine about a year ago and now we own a home, but I fell in love with Joe about six months ago and we’re all trying to make it work.” Josephine shouldn’t have to worry about her partner leaving her for Joe just because their bond is romantic and therefore the “sensible” relationship to choose over the other.

I’m just ranting at this point, but I reiterate: committed friendships should not be seen as strange and “sad”, but as a legitimate option for a lifetime commitment. Not just for aromantics like myself, but for everyone. It should just be normal.

And not to be presumptuous, but I don’t think I’m alone in this thinking

anonymous asked:

Your ask says Ask you EVERYTHING, so that said, I will probe!! What did you say to your therapist to cause the bail? It sucks that happened to u btw. Additionally, why did you decide to pursue therapy?

Oh right, I forgot I had it set like that.

I was trying to determine the limits of her confidentiality rules, since I won’t get anything out of therapy if I can’t be at least somewhat honest, and I can’t be honest if I feel that what I tell her might leave the confines of her office.  Specifically, I was asking about how she drew the line between “thought crimes” and intent to act (the latter can be grounds for breaking confidentiality, but the former shouldn’t be).  The example I gave was the difference between “I have been fantasizing about hurting someone” and “I am planning to hurt someone”.  She said that made her very uncomfortable, and recommended that I see a different therapist.  As I mentioned yesterday, that wouldn’t have bothered me except that she had advertised that she treated personality disorders and specific listed “Narcissistic Personality” as a specialty of hers.  Violent thoughts are a common symptom of not just NPD, but several other personality disorders as well (especially the two that I have: NPD and ASPD).  If she only feels comfortable treating some personality disorder symptoms, she should have been more precise in the list of issues that she treats.

I’m pursuing therapy for two reasons.  First, I’m currently in the depths of a prolonged depressive period, which unfortunately has caused many aspects of my life to stagnate or fall apart.  I’m in the process of getting pharmacological aid for that too, but a two-pronged psychiatric/therapeutic approach has a better chance of success than just one or the other.  Second, although I’ve been in therapy at several points in my life and not gotten much out of it - in no small part because I always felt the need to hide the truth, so they were basically giving therapy to a fictional character - I understand my own psyche far more clearly than I ever did when I was in therapy in the past.  If I can find a therapist who can handle my various issues, and equally important, one whom I can trust not to decide I’m too dangerous and break confidentiality, I might be able to finally address some long-standing problems.  Since my insurance will cover it, I might as well try.  Maybe it will make my life better.

I need a therapist who won’t be unsettled by a “scary” patient, and despite the overabundance of confidence many therapists have in their imperturbability, it’s proving to be difficult to find one who could handle me… but I’m not giving up yet.  I have an appointment with someone else on Monday.  I’m not overly optimistic, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

I’m really tired of this narrative that “bisexuals/pansexuals fall in love with hearts not parts 🌸” because

A. It implies that lesbians and gay men only care about genitals and not the personality of their partners.

B. It completely overlooks the fact that some bisexuals and pansexuals have gender and/or sex preferences.

C. It’s elitist bullshit.

So come on. We need to do better.

I really miss those crisp fall mornings, when you wake up and look outside and the leaves are dancing in the wind. There’s something about it, knowing that its cool outside, but being overwhelmed with a sense of warmth & coziness. The way the leaves crunch under your feet as you walk home. That grey-almost gloomy, but welcoming sky, just before an autumn rain. The way every room, smells of pumpkin or baked goods. The creepy movies on tv. It’s almost as if we enter an entirely different culture, with the way things around us shift in those autumn months. Oh, how I miss you, fall.

Friendly reminder that Stiles Stilinski isn’t some small, delicate flower. He’s just shy of 5'11″, he’s spent the better part of two years running from and fighting monsters, on top of playing lacrosse and running cross country. 

He’s never looked weak, he’s always been able to hold his own (and sometimes he’s held his own AND an entire other person.) 

Just… Stiles Stilinski isn’t some dainty little thing. He’s HUMAN, but he can take care of himself… remember all the times he ran headlong into danger with a baseball bat? 

Let’s all remember that Stiles isn’t a little wimp that needs protection. If anything, people need protection from him.

There is currently a content creator blackout in my fandom, and seeing all those posts about art theft brought back some memories.

(Go and read @hchano​‘s brilliant post, by the way. I’d have replied to it but then my reply turned into a novella.)

The art theft stories resonate with me, you have no idea.

You know, if someone was to check my ‘rules’ pages right now, they’d see this:

Fanart: 
I don’t care about reposts, don’t worry if you spot my drawings somewhere else

Now, it might look like I’m super chill about this. That I’m not 'whining’ like those artists who 'care too much, it’s just drawings’.

The truth is I don’t care because I haven’t posted an artwork I gave a fuck about since 2011. I do not want to bother with that. It’s thankless. It’s an endless source of stress and discouragement. Why would I spend effort and time when I know the end result is that I’ll be - for lack of a better term - pissed on by entitled jackasses and by thieves?

Story time.

I used to run a flash minigames website. It didn’t have much content, since I had to draw it all myself, and figure out how actionscript worked, and so on. Still, I put ads on that website, and not only did it pay for itself, it brought me a tiny bit of income too! For my own content that I had made myself, just imagine! I planned to make that little site grow and grow until it could support me and drag me out of the hell that is unemployment.

It’d see cute stories on Stumbleupon by parents who said their toddler had loved the games. That made me super happy. It was real nice for a while.

And then I got an email from a girl in Israel telling me she had seen my art sold as coloring books in her area.

That was a blow.

I mean, I’m literally an artist by trade. I have a diploma to prove it and all. I’d have loved to get paid for my art, seeing how I couldn’t fucking find a job using those skills that were apparently good enough for commercial use.

But I kept the site up for a little while, as well as my profiles on art websites, though I barely updated them. I’d ignore the thieves that sold IMVU stuff with my art on it. I’d pay no mind to the brats who sold it on Gaia Online, because it was just virtual coin. I tried to ignore the fact that some of my stuff got popular under someone else’s name.

Just drawings, right?

Anyway, my flash games could be stolen. Actually, in the general sense, it was pretty much the goal. There was my website’s logo on them, a direct link. Having them redistributed meant traffic coming back to my site, and advertising income for me.

Can you see where this is going?

Back then, there was a flash game monetization network, called MochiAds. It was cool. It allowed you to insert ads into your games, and a great many flash games websites would import MochiAds’ feed, which made for a fast and widespread distribution of the games. It was a neat service.

Except someone decompiled my games, replaced my logo by theirs, inserted ads inside them and published them as their own.

Within hours, you could google the new names the thief had given to my games, and get 500.0000 results. Accounting for all of my games, that made for millions of reposts, all of them defaced, linking to the thief’s website, monetized by them.

Of course, MochiMedia responded quickly when I reported the theft, but their disabling the ads on those games didn’t remove them from the thousands of independent websites they were posted on.

I never made another flash game.

As a matter of fact, I no longer draw.

I was never in it just for the fun. I wanted the rewards. I wanted to make art my full-time job. Hell, I went to school for that. I wanted the compensation for my effort and time. I wanted my website to grow from the 'sustains itself’ to 'sustains me’ size.

And then I realized that people could snap their fingers and steal it all. Make me look like I had plagiarized my own work. Bury me in stolen content.

I learned that, on the internet, there was no point giving your heart and soul to something you can’t nail in place.

And, more than anything, I learned to hate drawing.

But, hey! Look at the bright side! Now that I gave up on drawing, nobody will steal my art anymore!

Isn’t that great? :)

If I see one more article stating women shouldn’t boo Ivanka or saying if you don’t “uplift her” you’re not a feminist I’m going to scream

I can be a feminist and still hold no support or love for a woman who is so willing to uphold her father; a man who contributes so much hate to the world. She is complicit and benefits directly from his corruption, so no my dislike of Ivanka Trump does not make me a bad feminist. If you’re a shitty person you’re a shitty person and that has nothing to do with gender.

Our Ciel is the complete opposite of a “spare.” Sebastian chose our Ciel. He’s the one who changed all of the servants’ lives, including Sebastian’s. Our Ciel can hold his own against a demon when it comes to wits and cunning. Our Ciel continuously surprises a centuries old demon who pretty much thought he has seen it all. That’s how special he is. Our Ciel is so smart and strong, he mastered all the learning it took to be the head of an earldom before he even turned 12. Our Ciel was the one who came to truly love Lizzie and tried to be the best fiancé he could be. He was the one indulging her cute fancies while still appreciating how badass she is. Our Ciel took on the work of the Watchdog and has slain so many dirty rats for the Queen. 

He might have stolen it all, but don’t you dare tell me he doesn’t own it.

1.) self love is so important. i’ve struggled for years w how i see myself, with how i looked at my body, simply with how i treated myself. sometimes we have this idea of “perfection.” and we set an unrealistic goal to get there and usually, it’s not so plausible because the idea of perfection is simply unreachable. BUT, what i have realized is that happiness and confidence are, in fact, reachable. instead of striving for perfection, strive for your healthiest range. strive for feeling good, strive for contentment. i’ve started working out and running and eating healthier every single day and i feel gooood! emphasis on the good. i threw away the idea of perfection and brought in the idea of a happy, healthy, me and i feel so much better than before. baby steps. try to feel better today than you did yesterday, you will get there.

2.) the world is cruel. it can knock you down- it WILL knock you down. but that does not make you weak. having feelings does not make you weak. hurting and needing someone does NOT make you weak. it makes you strong, because you have a heart and something hurt it. don’t view that as weak, view it as a sign of life. you are human. we all are. we are wired for imperfection and mistakes and emotions that don’t always make sense and it is okay for you to reach out for help! in fact, i encourage everyone to do so because everyone could use a little help now and then, whether they will admit it or not.

3.) there is more to life than yourself. often times when i’m hurting all i can see is my little bubble. my own little world of hate, but there is always more to life than that. when tragedy strikes, it always shapes us, whether in good way or bad a way, it does. so when you are hurting i encourage you to go outside, look around you, and breathe. realize there is more to life than right now. realize there is more to you, than right now. you are not done growing. you are not done learning. so keep pushing forward. break out of the bubble of hurting once you have properly felt it and allow yourself to heal- you deserve it. you will always deserve it

—  three lessons i have learned all on my own

Why do you give up so fast?

Well, you see, I used to be the type of person to go through hell and back for people, but once I got through it, I looked around and I was alone. I went through it alone. Every time. But every time it happened, it taught me how to see it faster and catch it faster for the next time. Now I’m at a point where I can easily see what I deserve and what I don’t. So I don’t think of it as giving up easily, I think of it as going after what I deserve and letting go of whatever preventing me from getting that.