ranger impression

Nothing Like a Lawful Neutral

Context: My fighter is the only Lawful Neutral character on a team consisting of a True Neutral halfling monk, a Chaotic Neutral tiefling warlock, and a Neutral Good half-elf ranger with a bad impression of laws in general. They’re all endearingly nuts in their own way, and, well. He fits in like soy sauce on mashed potatoes.

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Warlock: *after surviving the shipwreck that nearly killed all of us* So you worked for the people transporting us?

Fighter: Money doesn’t grow on trees. Of course I was.

Ranger: You know it was a slave ship right?

Fighter: You were getting transported to prison! The only thing enslaving you are the consequences of your crimes.

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Monk: You not gonna like, wrangle us into line?

Fighter: Why.

Monk: I mean, you were a guard, right? You arrest people.

Fighter: We are in the middle of a jungle. What laws could you possibly be breaking?

Ranger: *OOC* I roll to see what impossible feats of physics-defying tricks I can do to piss this guy off.

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Warlock: So are we going back to jail if we get to a place where there’s a jail?

Fighter: I mean, they feed you in most prisons. Terrible food, but it’s free.

Warlock: …Damn he right.

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Ranger: Do you arrest people even when they’re doing the right thing?

Fighter: Everyone should be held accountable for their actions regardless of intentions.

Ranger: Easy for you to say.

Fighter: Listen, I got banished from my country and disowned from my family because I was fucking my country’s Crown Prince. I deserve the rights to say this like it was easy.

Ranger: …Okay but that’s– Okay, you couldn’t have had good intentions about that.

Fighter: I think there were some good ones, but then he took off his shirt and I forgot what they were.

Monk: And I thought my getting kicked out of my temple for fapping during prayer was dramatic.

DM: …Oh. :-)

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Ranger: You don’t have many friends, do you?

Fighter: I had some but the murder hobos fucking killed them all. :)

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Warlock: Well at least you aren’t lecturing us on honor or anything.

Fighter: Honor is reliability. That’d like chanting Celestial to a demon.

Warlock:

Fighter:

Warlock: …Not all tieflings.

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Soy sauce on mashed potatoes: weird taste, but acceptable.