ranger impression

4

She drifted into the harbor a little while ago.
A message from Teach upon his return.
There he intends to sit.
Denying passage in or out of the bay.

Nothing Like a Lawful Neutral

Context: My fighter is the only Lawful Neutral character on a team consisting of a True Neutral halfling monk, a Chaotic Neutral tiefling warlock, and a Neutral Good half-elf ranger with a bad impression of laws in general. They’re all endearingly nuts in their own way, and, well. He fits in like soy sauce on mashed potatoes.

-

Warlock: *after surviving the shipwreck that nearly killed all of us* So you worked for the people transporting us?

Fighter: Money doesn’t grow on trees. Of course I was.

Ranger: You know it was a slave ship right?

Fighter: You were getting transported to prison! The only thing enslaving you are the consequences of your crimes.

-

Monk: You not gonna like, wrangle us into line?

Fighter: Why.

Monk: I mean, you were a guard, right? You arrest people.

Fighter: We are in the middle of a jungle. What laws could you possibly be breaking?

Ranger: *OOC* I roll to see what impossible feats of physics-defying tricks I can do to piss this guy off.

-

Warlock: So are we going back to jail if we get to a place where there’s a jail?

Fighter: I mean, they feed you in most prisons. Terrible food, but it’s free.

Warlock: …Damn he right.

-

Ranger: Do you arrest people even when they’re doing the right thing?

Fighter: Everyone should be held accountable for their actions regardless of intentions.

Ranger: Easy for you to say.

Fighter: Listen, I got banished from my country and disowned from my family because I was fucking my country’s Crown Prince. I deserve the rights to say this like it was easy.

Ranger: …Okay but that’s– Okay, you couldn’t have had good intentions about that.

Fighter: I think there were some good ones, but then he took off his shirt and I forgot what they were.

Monk: And I thought my getting kicked out of my temple for fapping during prayer was dramatic.

DM: …Oh. :-)

-

Ranger: You don’t have many friends, do you?

Fighter: I had some but the murder hobos fucking killed them all. :)

-

Warlock: Well at least you aren’t lecturing us on honor or anything.

Fighter: Honor is reliability. That’d like chanting Celestial to a demon.

Warlock:

Fighter:

Warlock: …Not all tieflings.

-

Soy sauce on mashed potatoes: weird taste, but acceptable.

10

Played the first impression game with my friends. This was some of the madness. They no nothing about hockey or hockey players besides what I have told/showed them.

SHIT MY RP PARTNERS HAVE SAID 5 [sentence starters]

“i didn’t think my legacy would be gayness and shrek memes, but now we’re here”
“my friend canceled on me so i made a really sad cheese sandwich to cope”
“my body is intolerant to three out of the four ingredients in this sandwich but i’m gonna love the heck out of it anyway”
“i’m so glad i didn’t get chinese because i’m definitely getting sick and that definitely would have made me die”
“i’m bad at resting”
“i know i’m a bitch but not to you.”
“DOING THE GAYEST ONE FIRST”
“people seriously need to get their heads out of their asses long enough to realize that their judgment isn’t necessary in the world when all they have to say is negative crap.”
“enjoy the heteronormativity lmao”
“Whenever they try to talk to me about reality tv I’m like I literally watch none of those things”
“BROKE AF but my hair look good”
“also, pro tip: don’t attempt to run a mile and read your chapters for class at the same time when you’re sick.”
“I’m not living up to my legacy of past chefs who drank while clocked in alas”
“i also really want a power rangers shirt so that i can go around pretending i’m a power ranger”
“I like to impress myself with my on fleek eyebrows”
“When you almost accidentally buy an eye cream for 34$”
“those are my childhood memories. i’m not selling them.”
“you two are my ship, you beautiful fucks”
“and my basement has all of the necessities we’ll need: booze, a large screen tv, lots of electronics, lots of booze.”
“I DID NOT VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!”
“I see we'v'e got a whole Sister Wives thing going on…”
“apparently my deodorant is really potent right after i put it on.”
“Who knew someone needed to own this many seasons of csi Miami”
“i just tried to drink my pop and completely missed my mouth.”
“I’ll be happy once food is here.”
“Lol there’s a couple in cowboy hats starting to get upset.”
“the only casualty was a pizza box.”
“i was too busy watching violent stuff.”
“like I hate mcdonalds but the junk food life is real.”
“i have this really bad habit of either playing thirty seconds of a song and then skipping it or playing the same song for 2 hours.”
“honestly though. how dare you have emotions?”
“I dont want to grind with a bunch of sweaty ass nightclubing slutty bitches who didnt bring a coat”
“i don’t rly mind getting my ass grabbed tbh.”
“never turn your back on someone who has recognized our queen and savior.”

saltsparkle  asked:

Teal: Where was the strangest place you ever had sex? Tiffany: Would you/do you do sex work?

Teal: Where was the strangest place you ever had sex? 

Eltheas mulls over the question, flipping his forge hammer over in his hand as he plunks down on a crate next to his forge. “Hrm, there’s been a few of those. Probably the weirdest place was inside one of those huge barrels at a local distillery, back when I was with the Rangers. Some lord trying to impress Ranger-General Sylvanus organized a tour for a bunch of Farstriders. Great product sampling, but man, was the guy boring as hell. Another Ranger and I slipped away for uh.. some private sampling time.

Tiffany: Would you/do you do sex work? 

@saltsparkle