randalicious

Teen Mom 2, Episode 11: This episode wasn't exactly action-packed, but who cares, because next week Jenelle (finally) gets arrested!

Well, here we are…it’s almost the finale, yo. And from the looks of things, it’s going to be an exciting one! But first, there was this week’s episode, which began with Chelsea getting a notice in the mail that Adam was going to have to appear in court about the back child support he owes.

“What brought this on?” Chelsea’s friend wonders. Was it Chelsea who was making sure Adam was paying Aubree’s child support and alerting authorities when he wasn’t? Of course not! It was Randalicious doing that! Duh.

Speaking of custody arrangements and that kind of thing… Kailyn has lunch with her mom, who convinces Kailyn that she and Jo should have a legal agreement outlining their shared custody of Isaac. 

This is all very sensible, of course, but I still can’t help but find Kailyn’s mom to be a little on the weird side. Even when what she is saying makes perfect sense, she’s still all kind of twitchy and nervous–it’s like she’s on stage playing the role of a normal person but the whole time is freaked out she’s going to forget her lines.

But hey–speaking of lines, Corey had my favorite from this week’s episode. When we head over to get an update on how he and Leah are doing, we see them having a discussion about whether or not they should get married right now. Corey thinks everything will be fine once they get married, but Leah worries, “What if it isn’t?”

Yeah, Corey–what do you say to THAT? What if everything isn’t fine????

“We might get married and it might be perfect. We might get married and it might be hey-yell.”

Yep, that’s right, Leah–maybe your life with Corey will be perfect, but maybe it will be like living with Jenelle hell. Who knows? You’ll just have to try it and see how it goes, I guess. In the meantime, here is a decorative pillow I have made for you as a wedding gift:

Someone who won’t be getting any gifts from me is Jenelle, who bitches and moans to her friend Amber about how much her mom has ruined her life. Nowhere in all her complaining do I hear Jenelle take responsibility for herself and her actions. No. Instead, we find out the following:

1. Jenelle can’t get her schoolwork done because she now has no internet. I guess there are no public libraries where Jenelle lives? Or…her campus doesn’t have a computer lab for students to use?

2. Her mom “took my home away from me.” Jenelle, Barbara didn’t take your home away from you, she just kicked your lying, no-good ass out of hers. There’s a difference, believe me.

3. Jenelle has no money because her mom sent her financial aid check back to the college. Well, don’t you have a job Jenelle? Oh wait–haha, yeah…that’s right–later in the episode we see that you got fired from your job when you up and left town with Reefer and never let your job know you’d be missing two days of work.

People, let me just say that I’m not sure Dr. Drew is up to the task of gettin’ on this girl during the post-finale special. I think we need some Dr. Phil to get all up in Jenelle’s grill with his, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge,” and “You want to know how to tell when Jenelle is lying? Her lips are moving.”

Actually, maybe Dr. Phil and his tough love aren’t even enough for this child. I say, bring in Judge Judy. She can be all, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” or “Dumb ideas come from people with dumb brains!” Amen, Judy.

Whoever leads the finale special, I think we definitely need to have this woman be a special guest:

Word.

Someone else who could use a Judge Judy intervention is Chelsea, who meets up with Randalicious for some lunch. He asks how things are going with her progress toward her GED, and she says it’s hard to get it done because Aubree is just so cute.

Randalicious agrees that Aubree is in fact a cutie, but still, Chelsea needs to get her work done. “I know I’m gonna do it someday. It’s just taking me awhile to get to it,” she tells her dad.

What can be said here?

I think that about sums it up.

Kailyn is also having trouble progressing with her schoolwork, and, she tells us, “I’m starting to feel the consequences.”

I’m sorry, but this shot cracked me up. Who writes an ‘F’ that big on someone’s paper–in fat, thick red pen, no less?! And if the person got less than half the points on a quiz, do you even need to write 'F’? This almost looks like a stock marketing image for school.

Anyway…from here we go back to Chelsea, who is trying to hit the books book that she is working through to prepare herself for the GED. Here she is at a cafe with Aubree, trying to get some studying done:

I can’t for the life of me think of why Chelsea thought it would be a good idea to get studying done at a cafe with a toddler. Obviously she’s going to run around and what not, and Chelsea being the mom is going to have to run around after her. Randalicious seems to have some moneys–can he not pay for a sitter once or twice a week so Chelsea can study? I just don’t get it.

While I’m here I might as well also say, “Oh my God, Chelsea–lay off the leopard print already. Leopard is cute, don’t get me wrong; but everything you own does not need to be animal print. Just…FYI.”

Adam doesn’t have anything animal print, but he does have a new girlfriend:

She listens patiently as Adam complains about paying child support for Aubree. Hey there, Adam’s new girlfriend! Here’s a tip: If you’re with a guy who complains about having to financially support his child, he’s probably a guy who is not worth dating. He is also probably a huge, huge, HUGE deadbeat, which is why he moved into your house immediately after breaking up with his previous girlfriend.

We learn that Adam is only required to pay $275 a month for Aubree’s support. $275. People, that barely covers food for a month, let alone diapers and clothing. Adam notes that by the time Aubree is 18, he will have paid a whopping $58,000. 

For the love of God… We’ve seen this math before. Remember when Ryan’s friends were all amazed at how much he was going to have to shell out over 18 years? 

Let’s just work this shit out once and for all. According to the USDA in 2008, “For middle-income families with a child born last year, the costs of providing food, shelter, clothing and other necessities will total $204,060 by the 18th birthday.”

So basically, Adam will be contributing roughly 39% to what it will cost to raise young Aubree. Just so we’re clear, Adam: 39% is less than 50%, and 50% is half of something. So you are not really going halvsies on this child. But whatever. $275 a month sounds like a lot to you because you don’t have a job. Maybe you should get one!

Whatever. 

Anyway…finale is two days away! Corey and Leah will marry, Jenelle will get arrested, and off in the wings somewhere Amber will be watching that arrest and thinking, “See, America, at least one of these bitches is way more fucked up than me.”