Architect of the Capitol is an overly epic title for the glorified maintenance crew that keeps the U.S. Capitol Building, along with its reflecting pools and grounds, looking pretty for tourists and to provide a gorgeous backdrop for discrete meetings between movie characters embroiled in sprawling government conspiracies. They noticed there was a family of ducks having trouble getting into one of the reflecting pools, so they built a ramp that let the mother and her ducklings easily get in and out of the water.
The ramps were built in collaboration with a nonprofit wildlife rehabilitation organization, so it’s not like they were a multi-billion-dollar boondoggle of a government project. The stoner kid who slept through your seventh-grade shop class could churn out that same B-quality work (but his would also be a functioning pipe, so there’s that). The whole thing was probably $20 and a five-minute Kool-Aid break. Who could possibly have a problem with it?
Accepting that challenge was The Man, who stepped in swinging his modest dick that he tells himself is so unfathomably large the human mind cannot comprehend it. The dick attached to the dick was Representative Mark Walker from North Carolina’s 6th Congressional district. Walker was presumably strolling along the Capitol grounds, taking in the beauty crafted by the Architect of the Capitol, hating everything he saw with the fury of 10,000 suns. When he saw the duck ramp, his bowels evacuated with such force that he rocketed 12 feet into the air and his eyes exploded out of his skull while “America The Beautiful” played in stereo out of his nipples. When he landed, pants torn asunder, still smoldering with rage feces, he tweeted a picture of the duck ramp, adding, “If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste.”
The only good thing to happen in D.C. in months had been politicized by a guy whose misplaced sense of morality would make him the perfect villain for a 1990s children’s movie called Duck Ramp, starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas because Macaulay Culkin was busy.