ralph-lauren-underwear

A Tribute As To How Liam Payne Has Wrecked Me

Harry Niall These got good feedback, I’m really excited about these next three.This is from the “Bril-Liam Payne” File.

So, Liam, I’d like to file some complaints:

You are actually Payneful. I hope you know that with every push up you do another girl in the world is checked into the hospital for a heart attack. You are unbelievably strong and you need to stop.

Next:

YOU HAVE RALPH LAUREN UNDERWEAR. AND EVERY JAW DROPS WHEN HE’S IN THEM JEANS. ALRIGHT. I’M SO FRUSTRATED. STOP.

Would you please? Like, I never ever want to see you in a wet suit ever again. You cannot do this. You cannot have chest hair or tummy hair or be this beautiful. It’s not fair and I’m really mad at you. STOP. Your muscles cause harm. AND WHO CAN HAVE NICE HAIR WHEN THEY ARE IN THE WATER?!

Model status:

I’M GOING TO BURN EVERY TRENCH COAT IN ENGLAND JUST SO YOU CANNOT WEAR ONE EVER AGAIN. MY LEGS GAVE OUT WHEN I SAW THIS PICTURE. Your hair is so prime here. Sophia is the luckiest woman on the planet to wake up next to your little teddy bear face.

STOP:

YOU ARE THE CUTEST HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET. You are all muscly like some kind of jock and then you’re an actual little puppy and you are just so cute and adorable…no wonder Zayn is in love with you.

FLUFFY FETUS:

LIAM. LIAM. LIAM. DO YOU KNOW HOW SWEET AND KIND YOU ARE? THIS IS INSANE. PLEASE STOP. You’re so cute. I’m going to throw up how do you do this. HOW?! You’re literally an angel. Stop.

DEATH:

You would wear boxer briefs. I literally can’t stand you. Put some clothes on or take them all off. This was ridiculous I’m pretty sure my lungs exploded because I gasped so hard.

I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOU:

My friend and I have discussed in full detail. PLAID IS NOT AN ACCESSORY LIAM PAYNE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?! OBVIOUSLY NOT. YOU CAN’T DO THIS. WE ARE NO LONGER IN THE 1990’s I’M SORRY TO RUIN YOUR STYLE BUT LITERALLY EVERY PART OF MY BODY ACHES BECAUSE OF YOU.

Nope:

YOUR HAND IS AS BIG AS HER BODY. GET OUT. WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY GOING TO IMPLODE. I’M SO MAD. YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD. STUPID BEANIE. YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO ADORE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE LITERALLY AN ANGEL AND THEY WILL FEEL SO HAPPY AND PROTECTED BY YOU.

PUT THIS ON MY TOMBSTONE:

NOPE. Liam, I had to Google this and said, “that photoshoot in 2012 where Liam lays down and he’s wearing converses.” YOU NEED TO BE STOPPED THIS IS WAY TOO SEDUCTIVE AND I WILL ACTUALLY THROW UP. I want this to play on continuous loop on my gravestone so people will be happy when they visit me.

SERIOUS PROBLEM:

You are the reason America fights about gun control. That’s it. I’m so mad at you.

How:

First off, I love Mario Kart. Second. YOU ARE LITERALLY DRESSED AS A WEIRD LITTLE TURTLE, DINOSAUR, LIZARD THING I DON’T EVEN KNOW—AND I COULDN’T BE MORE ATTRACTED TO YOU IF I WANTED TO. HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I HATE THIS GIF BECAUSE I CAN’T LOOK AWAY FROM YOU RUNNING YOUR HAND THROUGH YOUR HAIR. STOP. THIS. NOW.

I can’t:

I swear to God when you giggle and laugh a child is born. You have way too much power in this world.

WHY:

You are 62% lips, 10% biceps, 1% facial hair, 1% birthmark, 1% eyes, and 25% 1990s I need you to stop because I will actually cry if I stare at you for too long. I’m so infuriated by you and how precious and beautiful you are.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND:

Alright, Liam, how about we have a huge fire and toss every baseball tee you’ve ever owned into it because IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO LOOK THIS GOOD IN A STUPID SHIRT THAT I COULD SEW FROM A PIECE OF PAPER AND COLOR THE SLEEVES. This picture makes me want to jump off the Eiffel Tower because your hair is so beautiful and I want to take a nap in it. And your sweet little smile. I hope I have kids with your smile and I will name him Liam.

I WISH I WAS YOUR MICROPHONE

Romeo was wrong; he didn’t know what he was thinking. Screw Juliette’s glove, let me be Liam Payne’s microphone so I can possibly touch his mouth. SOPHIA YOU SO WIN AT LIFE YOU GET TO TOUCH HIS FACE AND LIPS WHENEVER YOU WANT UGH.

How about no:

You’re. A Dweeb. <3 Oh my God. Please. Why is your shirt buttoned up to your neck? Can I lay on your body and fall asleep watching the Bachelor with you? Dammit.

I’m going to die a Payneful death:

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TRENCHCOATS?! You literally look like that teddy bear. I’m so mad. Can I please snuggle with you and the bear and fall asleep on a Thursday afternoon after we read some sonnets? I really need you to stop. You’re precious.

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS:

Alright, this is my FAVORITE TATTOO IN THE WORLD AND I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU SAYING EACH ARROW IS FOR ONE OF THE BOYS GOING IN THE ONE DIRECTION. Your earplugs. Are. Batman. Stop. Stop. Stop. YOU ARE AN ANGEL AND MY BATMAN.

#STOPLIAMPAYNE

YOU CANNOT WEAR LEATHER OR I WILL ACTUALLY DISINTEGRATE INTO ATOMS. Why do you look like this. I just want to hold your hand and go for a walk in the park and crunch leaves with you while we drink hot apple cider. Please. I’m going to cry.

NOPETY NOPE NOPE:

WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT LEATHER?! Your jawline could actually cut someone. Poor Sophia, She must have to wear protective gear when she touches you. I can’t handle you. You went from fluffy baby boy to an actual James Bond character who sometimes picks his girlfriend up on a motorcycle and tells off her father. I’m really done with you.

Can’t even:

Alright, Liam. You know what. I actually can’t stand you and Niall. I. Love. K-F-C. I. Love. Li.Um. Payne. I’m literally never going to sing Midnight Memories the right way and it’s all your fault and I need you to just stop. I can’t.

LIAM PAYNE I LOVE YOU.