rain puts me at ease

[fic] but i could stay for longer if you wanted me to

SEUNGCHUCHU WEEK Day 3/8 → communication

the first letter came with a promise to make seunggil fall for its writer.

(on ao3)

I like you. Don’t be too shocked (even though I was too at first).

The letters sit steadily on the pale blue lines of the paper, slanted, like middle-school children sitting back-to-back with each other on a bench. Seunggil can practically hear the high-pitched singing in the excited sweeps of their l’s and f’s.

“What’s that?”

He shoves the letter into his pocket as Seungmin hooks her chin over his shoulder. “Nothing,” he mutters.

“I came all the way to pick you up,” she says, “I’m going to cry if it’s an eviction notice.”

“It’s illegal to evict someone without prior notice,” he says as he gathers his things.

“It should be illegal to have a personality as bad as yours,” she says over her shoulder.

He sprawls out on the backseat of her tiny Honda the moment the door slams shut behind him. The letter seems to burn in his pocket. Non-skaters aren’t easily allowed into the rink locker room, and in general his fans respect his privacy (though that’s more out of fear than anything).

What’s with that kind of opening anyway? “Don’t be too shocked”? Are they implying Seunggil thinks that lowly of himself? It’s that fact, more than anything, that gnaws at him for a full ten minutes, until he gives in and yanks the letter out.

Right now, I bet you’re thinking, what a wimp this person is, not having the courage to straight-up confess to my face, if they’re not even that confident in themself, they can’t be a worthwhile person to consider.

What. Is he that easy to read?

But I’ll have you know, it’s not at all because I’m not confident!! The opposite actually. I’m pretty confident that even without revealing my name or my face, I can make you fall for me through my words alone (lol).

Prepare yourself, Lee Seunggil!

“What are you smiling at?” Seungmin says, with a glance at the mirror.

“I’m not smiling,” he says. He folds the letter up along the writer’s pre-creased lines and puts it back into the envelope.

Keep reading

i.
I saw you first during the winter and your eyes resembled that of snow, so pure and clear yet I could sense the fire that burned through my fragile ribcage. We sat on the sofa; your breath fresh on my neck, and I could not look at you without feeling butterflies surge through my stomach. I was so nervous, my fingertips cracked at the softness of your voice.

ii.
You asked me out and I was too scared. I told you that I was not interested and buried my neck into the frozen duvet surrounding my body. I was numb with confusion, and I could not tell you what I wanted to.

iii.
You kept on texting me like I was the orbit you circled; like I was your reason for existence. You told me that I was all you could’ve ever wished for and I brushed you off like dust on my sweater, I felt uneasy. I didn’t want to be the centre of someone’s entire being as I did not even know how to be my own.

iv.
You turned up on my doorstep with a dozen red roses and a hand made card. It was February 14th and you asked me to be your valentine. You looked hot and flustered, like something was constantly on your mind; you were itching at the thought. I did not want to see your face as I did not want to be reminded with what I was missing. Tears burned my eye sockets, like a lit splint; you warmed my insides. I had melted and I did not want love, I did not believe in it even though I always dreamed of it. I took the roses and told you to leave. As you left I opened the card, and I cried myself to sleep at the haunting thought of your body touching mine.

v.
You texted me asking what I was doing, and for days on end I replied with: I’m busy. Why did you continue to try when I constantly shot you down?

vi.
You told me you loved me and my organs screamed as if they were being set alight by the devil. You were the devil and I did not want your fire. I told you I didn’t feel the same and that you knew nothing of love. You assured me you did but I could not believe it as I didn’t want to. I knew nothing of love, and I didn’t think it was possible for stars to shine so bright when I thought of you.

vii.
We eventually stopped talking and we both got on with our own lives. You went to work and I finished my studies, things were as if we had never even met. But I still thought of you. I often wondered how you were doing, and if you preferred your life without me in it. I did not want to know the answer, I was scared that you were happier off without me. So I didn’t talk to you. I’m sorry.

viii.
I came across you at a party and you were smoking a cigarette. I asked you why you smoked and you reacted like we were long lost lovers. I watched as you exhaled smoke and wondered what it would be like to kiss your lips. Would they taste like strawberries on a summer’s day? I found out that you were old friends with my new friends, and since that day we became closer again. Our friendship was entirely platonic and I told myself that I never wanted anything more, but by god I wish that I was able to push you against a wall and feel your heartbeat mix with mine.

ix.
I remember when we used to sit in your car, just listening to music and staring at the blanket of night. The atmosphere was so chilling and I remember never wanting to be anywhere else. Our friends would sing at the top of their voices; so loud that I could feel their lungs almost collapse. It was so simple, but it was pure happiness. I felt infinite.

x.
A year had passed and we sat in the same position we had when we first met. The sofa seemed colder than the year before, so we sat on the floor. We played video games and laughed as you got angry because I was beating you. I remember the tension I built as I made my way across the floor, with my fingers gently brushing yours. The blood in my veins became so thick that I lost all sensation. I was scared that I just wanted to cut them open and spill all the feelings I had for you. But my blood was not capable of flowing outwards and neither were my feelings, so I kept them inside and kissed you instead. It wasn’t anything like in the movies; only a peck, but I felt completely lost in the moment. I pulled away and smiled as you did. It could never happen again.

xi.
You told me your feelings had never left and that you thought of me every single day, but I was reluctant to believe you and so said nothing. I pushed aside my feelings and went on as if nothing had happened. We were just friends, right? Friends who had feelings for each other, but I was too frightened to admit it. I was so frightened that my emotions were like an ocean, I could do nothing but drown in them.

xii.
I saw you post online that you had a girlfriend, and I felt my insides shatter. Like a glass that had been stamped on and left to fix itself. It did not seem possible. My heart became black and spilt empty words of sadness, it grew poisoned roses and soon became my home. I could not stand that you traced your fingers across someone’s ribcage, through their hair and between their thighs. You had lost all feelings and I realised that I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me, and by this time it was too late. I cried crimson as I lay in my bed, all I wanted was you.

xiii.
I plucked up the courage and told you that I liked you back and that I was sorry it was too late. You told me that I wasn’t and broke up with your girlfriend there and then. You embraced me in your arms and squeezed me so tight that I felt galaxies grow inside me. I kissed your lips for the second time but I did not feel roses, I felt thorns. Why did it feel like I was dying? Perhaps because I had just murdered your chance of happiness.

xiv.
You asked if I wanted to be your girlfriend and I fled into the back of my mind. My barriers grew taller and I shut you out, again. I told you that I wanted nothing from you, even though I wanted nothing but you. You told me that you’d rather have me in your life as a friend than not at all. So we stayed friends and carried on living our own lives. You hooked up with several girls and I attached myself to guys that I would never see again because I was so used to being hurt. I felt comfortable in sadness, it was my garden and I watered the infected plants with my tears.

xv.
You got sick of kissing my lips and treasuring the taste of poison, and so you moved on. You spent less and less time with me and we became distant. I was an island and you were sailing away from me. I did not wonder why though, I just accepted it. It was our destiny and things were what they were. It doesn’t mean that they hurt any less though.

xvi.
I was hanging decorations on my tree with all our friends and the lights glittered at your absence. It was two years since we had met. I wondered why you were not replying to my texts and so I found out that you were in love with another. My eyes turned from crystal to stone and I felt even worse than before. Why did you no longer love me? I wanted to feel our connection, just one last time. I asked you if you loved someone else and you said no; you lied. And my lungs had broken. Breathing got harder and I felt as if I could no longer hold oxygen that I craved to survive. I was so upset and angry that I vowed I would never love another.

xvi.
I tried to move on; day after day, but no one came close to you. I remember going on a date with someone, and it was my first ever proper date. I was so nervous that my fists were clenched so tight all evening, or perhaps that was a result of my anger towards you. We talked for hours on end and I thought that I would be able to grow feelings for another again. At home I smiled at the thought of the night; I was so content. We arranged another date and for a few weeks I never heard from him again. Why did I have to keep losing things? Hadn’t I lost enough already?

xvii.
You found out that I had seen another and became envious. You had no reason to what so ever, your heart belonged to someone else. Once again, you assured me that I was the one; your only one, and that your feelings for her were not real. They were paper butterflies that had been trampled on by the thought of me. I told you that I loved you, but I understood that I wasn’t enough for you. Little did I know that once again you would pick me. Like magnets; we were drawn to each other, we were planets that could not stay still around the others presence. We constantly moved apart but found our way in the end. We were set in the sky, you were the sun and I was the moon; we needed each other to breathe.

xviii.
You asked me out on a date, and for the first time, I agreed. I even curled my hair for you, even though we were only going to the cinema. I was so excited that my heart beat got faster, and the graze of your thigh on mine created goosebumps. I realised that you were just as nervous as me as we laid in bed, your voice could not stop trembling. We fell asleep with our arms intertwined and my head rested perfectly on your chest, and woke up to the sound of rain. It was so comforting and the warmth of your skin put me at ease. I had always loved you.

xix.
We got closed and closer and it was only when I let you in that I realised that I lived in fear of making the same mistakes as my parents. I did not want to be in a relationship that lacked love, and I did not want to break your heart. I did not want to get my heart broken either. Not that it wasn’t already. You stitched up my heart with your veins and our blood merged into a burnt out red. I finally was not scared of hell, because if hell was anything similar to the fire I felt inside my chest; I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

xx.
I came to terms with the fact that you were leaving soon, but none of it seemed the slightest bit real. I treasured every day I spent with you; sitting in your car, walking in the woods, laughing over a movie, and sleeping side by side. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better than you, and I am so glad that I let you in to my cold and twisted soul. I was scared of when you’d leave, I did not want my heart to cave again. It had just been fixed. I was scared that you’d forget about me and that you’d fall into the arms of someone else. What would I do then? I was scared that I would never be able to love again, but as we laid together; so still and silently, I realised that it did not matter. Because I once told you that I loved you, and soon after I realised that I wouldn’t want to love anyone else but you either .

— 

Twenty letters of our love

Venetia Law (venxtia)