It’s probably a good thing I am not going to the Chicago con.
Y'all would be excitedly planning your day and unpacking in the hotel room, when suddenly a wild Sarah appears, fresh and loopy from a 10-hour flight. The door would slam open, and I’d be in the doorway with a bottle of vodka in one hand and tequila in the other, half-naked and crazy-eyed.
And then I’d proceed to inform you all that after the excitement of the day is over, we’re all going back to this room to push the beds together, build a blanket fort, and have a classic-rock-and-alcohol-fueled lesbian orgy.
Buffy - Raven ;; because she’s handy with a blade and I can totally see her saving the world because it’s just the right thing to do.
Dawn - Heather ;; because she’s the sweet adorable baby sister type of person I just want to cuddle and protect, but you better not underestimate her because she’s a tough little cookie.
Xander - Courtney ;; because she’s fucking hilarious and endearing and snarky and totally the comedic relief who is also resourceful and determined.
Anya - Kelly ;; because she’s a soulless demon who thinks about sex a lot and hides behind her cool facade because she’s secretly very emotional and often conflicted. (hahahahahaha I love both Kelly and Anya I swear)
Willow - Me ;; because I’m insecure, awkward, shy, but also intuitive, imaginative, and fiercely loyal– oh, and I’m a huge fucking dork.
Tara - Georgia ;; because she’s mine– and also she is really pretty and sweet and compassionate and that strong sort of quiet person who is willing to go with the flow until something really bothers her and then she will not rest until it’s solved.
Giles - Joe ;; because he’s very knowledgeable, introspective, and a natural leader, with a hefty dose of protective instinct.
Oz - Esh ;; because she’s cool as shit, witty, brilliant, and chill– until something sets her off and then she is a raging ball of fury you better not fuck with because she will ruin you with a smile.
Spike - Cat ;; because she’s ridiculously sexy and smart and funny and intimidating for a half-second until you realize she’s actually a soft little bunny rabbit you want to snuggle all night long.
you’re all going to wanna set me on fire in chicago like I’m the most annoying person to live with ever you can ask Kelly
I sing and dance and laugh at my own jokes and I’m really twitchy and I say the weirdest shit because I have no filter and I’m like that dog at the park who hasn’t been socialized well enough to know how to act among its own species
what if I had a lifesize plaster-cast done of my entire body and you guys just wheeled it in on a stretcher covered in red roses
“see this fine-ass mannequin? I know, she be lookin’ almost good enough to fuck. But that ain’t flesh, buddy. That’s plaster. The real thing is in Alaska. So hop on a plane, fly yo’ ass to the Great White North, and get you some.”
I know you guys probably think I’m kidding about getting hammered and trying to kiss you all. But I’m not kidding.
Not even a little bit.
I may need a designated supervisor to keep my clothes on my body and my tongue in my mouth. I truly apologize in advance for any awkward groping/flirting I may attempt. I’m not proud of this. But I figure it’s better to let you all know ahead of time. So you can prepare yourselves accordingly.
(Like bring a straitjacket for me to be strapped into so I can’t touch anyone.)
So, if I AM going to Chicago Con (if whatever angel using Esther’s vessel doesn’t desert me first), I need to know specific info. Like, which tickets am I supposed to choose, etc.
Help me out, guys!
Esther… I hope you know I am entirely willing to pay you back in sexual favors or manual labor or whatever else you might desire of me. Seriously. I think I may need an IV to keep me alive, I’m so dehydrated from crying.