rachel-barbra-berry

Decisions, Decisions!

While many of you have elected to focus on the potentially negative ramifications of our upcoming spirit week, I, for one, cannot wait! This week presents the unique opportunity for me to trial at least one of the new solos I recently added to my wheelhouse and to devote an entire day to embodying a classic figure from one of my favourite Broadway shows. I just knows that by the end of this week; you will all have a brand new image of one Rachel Barbra Berry in your minds and that will be one of a shining star. On a side note, my recent attempts to purely introduce myself by gold star emoticon while communicating electronically has proven extremely disappointing. I urge you all to memorise my specific brand now before it is too late and I am a literal gold star with little to no recollection of my unappreciative and disappointing fellow high school students. Regardless, as someone who has taken the liberty of writing a bi-weekly letter to the school board listing all the reasons singing should be a mandatory lesson in schools to aid my tone deaf and pitch-y compatriots on their way to backing up the real stars in later life, this week is just another sign that they are finally listening to me! Creativity is no longer dead and I will be leading the charge as the flames of imagination are reignited! 

I am sure my friends, fans, and jealous foes alike are all desperately anticipating the grand reveal of my official solo for the rather crudely named Karaoke Day. As someone who has been banned from various karaoke-based establishments over the course of her life due to such spurious claims as ‘offering unwanted critique’ and ‘treating the night as her own personal cabaret’, I would have preferred a title with more gravity that indicated the serious and potentially life changing business of performing in front of a huge audience. I have to admit that I find myself rather conflicted over the exact song to devote my considerable talents to in such a momentous occasion. I will naturally be singing a solo because to sacrifice my very first chance at an actual audience, and not one filled with Mr. Ryerson’s weird friends, on a shared spotlight would just be insane. Even now my youtube page (barbranoticeme) and I are building a portfolio of excellence that will one day lead to a life of glitz and glamour in New York City’s Midtown. 

Having said that, I am currently debating, and presenting via power point to an esteemed board of my dads and my vocal coaches, the various options that are available to me. Although I could veer towards my natural vocal home, and future, and choose one of the various show stopping musical numbers I have mastered, I am very well aware of the tragic ignorance and apathy towards the show tune in this town. Fame is everything and, as a performer, I know that I should wield my talent in a way that will make audiences adore me and Times Square this, unfortunately, is not. My mind then turns towards the ‘crunk’ and pop music movements of today, and the potential for a Katy Perry or Alanis Morisette stroke of performance genius. Both performers may not be equipped with the depth or dance routine accompaniment of Buenos Aires but they would ensure that everyone was so awed by the sheer star quality of my performance that any unfair and illegal slushie incidents would simply be impossible. For those seeking weekend inspiration, I will obviously be devoting my own to honing a few of the front runners and ensuring that my off-stage Lima debut is one of sheer perfection

As I would hate to ruin the surprise of, and eager anticipation for, the song I do finally choose, I won’t be revealing it until my standard introduction before the solo begins. I always find a performance is so much more appreciated when the audience knows the basic facts, and my own thoughts, of the song in question. With that in mind, I have two specific demands that must be followed by the entire student body in the run up to such a special day. My creativity is an uncontrollable and spontaneous miracle and so I simply cannot be slushied during such a fragile time for me as a performer, and as my own director, choreographer and assistant. To break my creative flow could result in irreparable psychological damage and potentially career murder. I will sue anyone who gets in the way of me and my chance to prove that I am the most talented person in this school and I am too special to be subjected to the mindless and envious hate of my peers. Secondly, wherever I choose to to deliver my performance will be strictly out of bounds for my fellow karaoke day participants. As the most experienced performer, you should all be following my lead but that does not involve blatant imitation and my stage will be mine alone. Break a leg, fellow showmen and showwomen, and I look forward to seeing, hearing and critiquing your respective performances!

Although it is high time the glist (a barbaric concept that is still officially unrecognised by yours truly) is finally acknowledging that true public adoration should come from actual talent, not your ability to have meaningless and disgusting one night stands, I was horrified to see how little notice we have been given for our Costume Day. (Once again, I still argue a dash of pizazz would have made the entire concept far more appealing.) I have been preparing for Halloween since the beginning of July through an homage to Barbra’s revolutionary Oscars outfit worn during her 1969 win, that required hand stitching thousands of tiny diamanté studs onto it to ensure that I was adequately dazzling from any angle. Both my wardrobe, and my natural flair for impersonating Barbra inspired by our very real and deep psychic bond, would suggest choosing another one of her numerous famous looks would be my best option, and yet I simply cannot risk my outfits being repetitive, or worse, boring. I will, therefore, be channelling my inner Sally Bowles for the entire school day. For anyone living under a rock for the past two years, she is the lead female role in the 1966 show, originated by Judy’s daughter; the fabulous Liza Minnelli, and currently being re-imagined by an occasionally dubious list of A-list stars. This is, of course, a risqué and theatrically licentious part for the beloved and be-animal sweatered Rachel Berry that you all know, and should love, but I highly doubt anything could beat the thrill of 1930s Berlin to liven up everyone’s school day so that prize is going to be mine. No-one should be disheartened, however, as, while most people will just be appearing as their costume of choice, I will be living and breathing the life of Sally Bowles, and so my win is practically written in the stars. 

To conclude this brief glimpse into the mental workings of your favourite stunning young ingénue, this week is affording you all another invaluable glimpse into my every day life. A life where every second is devoted to exuding pure unadulterated star power and charisma and one that the social hierarchy is finally encouraging you to emulate!

Lots of love and stardust, 
Rachel Barbra Berry ★

8

"Since its premiere in 1964 ‘Funny Girl’ has never been revived on Broadway, no doubt because producers haven’t been able to find an actress capable of filling Barbra’s formidable shoes. Luckily, I’ve been grooming myself for this audition since I was five…"