rachel's writings

anonymous asked:

Hey! I was reading 'The Summer' and when I got to the smut parts I couldn't help but wonder - wasn't it kind of uncomfortable for you and Rachel to write them? I know that you are both on the ace spectrum which of course doesn't mean you completely dislike the idea of sex but I can't articulate what I am trying to say??? I personally am not ace but still felt kind of awkward and skipped some of the smut, so that's why I am asking (also I LOVE the fic, it's my most favourite one ❤)

@botanistlester and myself are Ace, yes, but we fall more in the grey-ace are, with my personally identifying as Ace Flux. This means we aren’t entirely sex repulsed, and therefore don’t mind sex to varying degrees. For me, being ace flux means that my experience with asexuality is constantly fluctuating, but ultimately, in both of our cases, neither of us ever actually experience sexual attraction. 

Being ace doesn’t have to mean that we’re completely uncomfortable with sex, it just means we don’t experience sexual attraction. 

At times, writing the smut could be difficult lfor both of us if we just weren’t feeling it at the moment, but both of us have times where we do enjoy reading and writing smut, as well as experiencing sexual situations with our significant others :)

For you, you could be not ace, but still not always want to enjoy or read sex, if that makes sense

I hope this helps!

  • i can never stress enough how you all should be watching crazy ex-girlfriend.
  • i gather it’s for free on the cw app
  • i gather netflix uploads the episodes weekly in most regions
  •  it has everything tumblr claims to desperately want and yet its fandom is made of like three people.
  •  drop the “sexist title” bullshit and try to actually watch: the entire show is about deconstructing the “crazy” world by dealing with a young woman with untreated anxiety and depression. yes, anxiety and depression
  • and yet the writing is so clever for some reason it feels bittersweet rather than intoxicatingly sad
  • it’s not about romantic/sexual relationships. there are those, but they’re just a means to explore the female protagonist’s life and journey.
  • you get anti-heroes. because you don’t have to be a man making drugs on a cable drama to be an anti-hero. you have to be deeply fucked up and that’s what these characters are.
  • it’s the most diverse cast i’ve ever seen. 
  • one character gets a number on coming out as bisexual. the word is said multiple times. you don’t like shows shying away from it? fucking watch crazy ex-girlfriend.
  • they sing and dance their ass off, and well, and showcasing meta commentaries on storytelling and how even music videos are made. they do pop, rap, rock, old hollywood musicals, you name it. they do everything and they’re brilliant at it. the soundtrack’s online. the music sheets too.
  • it’s just overall brilliant. it won the cw a golden globe and two emmys. rachel bloom is out of this world
  • rachel bloom also led this anti-trump anthem
  • again: cw app and netflix.
PJO Girls On Social Media

(yes i know they can’t use tech but let me have this)

Piper

  • everyone at camp follows her insta
  • everyone 
  • she posts god-tier selfies and literally no one knows how she does it
  • like she doesn’t own a super nice camera and she doesn’t use filters
  • just BAM fucking awesome pic
  • her fav selfies are taken right after she’s killed a monster, winking at the camera and holding up her knife
  • comments on annabeth’s pics like “u look like a ham sandwich”
  • only uses snapchat to put funny filters on everyone she knows

Annabeth

  • she’s that one girl who’s constantly traveling so her snapchat is buildings and scenery with captions like “rome is cool”
  • her insta is full of designs she’s working on and selfies with percy
  • she replies to piper’s weird comments like “thx babe pls sit on my face”
  • she overworks so her late-night snap stories get super weird and incoherent
  • when she gets stressed, stim blogs calm her down
  • she got athena to take a selfie with her, and they’re both just glaring into the camera, and it’s super cool but also terrifying 

Rachel

  • totally runs a meme insta that has demigod memes
  • *pic of dionysus drinking a diet coke* “whose man is this?? 😂 😂”
  • *pic of percy glaring at the sky* “that feel when the gods keep pulling you into their petty drama”
  • also runs an art blog and insta, and whenever some asshole reposts her art as their own, she gets the hecate cabin to curse them
  • owns that stim blog annabeth loves

Reyna

  • has an insta, but it’s like the camp jupiter insta, so it’s pics of the camp and news about upcoming events and battles
  • runs a youtube account called “Halfblood Hacks” where she teaches basic defense training, 10 facts every demigod should know, and updates about the latest god drama that might endanger demigods
  • her snapchat is videos of her sparring, and the person filming is always like “YEAH WORK IT REYNA”
  • has a super dry sense of humor, so her other snapchat stories are fucking hilarious

Hazel

  • only has an insta because social media is still super new to her
  • her account has gone viral several times, because she’s always running into celebrities but she has no idea who they are 
  • she’ll post a pic like “this nice man helped me with directions today!” and it’s a selfie with her and fucking Dwayne the Rock Johnson 
  • because of this ^^ she’s good friends with Lupita Nyong’o 

While disgust is arguably the primary motivation behind most homophobia when you get down to it, I think there are two more important reasons why conservative evangelicals in particular are so unwilling to change their minds about The Gay Issue™ no matter how obvious it is that they’re wrong.

Firstly, while atheists and secularists often contrast secular humanist morality (which is centrally concerned with human wellbeing/flourishing and harm reduction) with religious morality (which they describe in terms of something like divine command theory), evangelicals are, at least ostensibly, concerned with human wellbeing/flourishing as well.

Since they understand God to be loving, they usually won’t just say, “God said it so that settles it,” but rather that God “wants what’s best for us” and that the Bible is “God’s instruction book for a good/happy life” (barf).

But the thing is…wellbeing and harm are objective things that can be measured. And, well,

“If same-sex relationships are really sinful, then why do they so often produce good fruit—loving families, open homes, self-sacrifice, commitment, faithfulness, joy? And if conservative Christians are really right in their response to same-sex relationships, then why does that response often produce bad fruit—secrets, shame, depression, loneliness, broken families, and fear?”
—Rachel Held Evans, “God and the Gay Christian Discussion, Week 1” (The Rachel Held Evans Blog)

“[T]he idea that [gay relationships] ‘could never bring about happiness’ simply flies in the face of overwhelming evidence. I know that [the evangelicals] would say that, even though the growing number of out-and-proud same-sex couples in this country seem happy, deep down they’re really not. [The evangelicals] would say it, but fewer and fewer Americans would believe it, and rightly so. It’s not just because they defer to individuals as the experts on their own happiness. (People can delude themselves, after all.) It’s because they see the positive fruits such relationships bear.”
—John Corvino, “Against Obsessive Celibacy: Debating Social Constructions and Sexual Orientation” (Commonweal)

Gay relationships can bear good fruit and they aren’t inherently harmful in any way, and there’s no good reason to think that there’s anything wrong with gay people or their orientation. That statement isn’t an emotional wish or ideological assertion—it’s an empirical statement of fact that’s based on observation. Evangelicals are just factually, objectively wrong on this issue.

But they can’t just admit that they’re wrong, change their minds about the issue, and become more liberal christians or whatever. Why? Well, because they’ve built up a narrative over the years which says that their version of christianity is the only “true” one and that any christian who doesn’t agree with them on absolutely every little thing is a “fake” christian who’d might as well be an atheist. To the evangelicals, it’s black and white, all or nothing.

They can’t become those wishy-washy liberal (read: not dogmatic fundamentalist) christians who they’ve spent so many years trashing.

And they obviously aren’t going to become atheists, which in their mind is the only other option.

There is a kind of logic to it. If you describe God as both all-loving (that is: perfectly concerned with our wellbeing/happiness) AND morally opposed to gay relationships, but then you acknowledge that gay relationships are good for people and not harmful, then you have to face the fact that that God either 1.) doesn’t exist or 2.) does exist but is cruel—and is, either way, undeserving of worship.

Put plainly, if evangelicals entertain the thought that they might be wrong about this one issue, they’ll have to question everything that they believe in. And they don’t want to do that.

The second reason why evangelicals are so unwilling to acknowledge the evidence and change their minds on the issue is that if they did, they’d have to acknowledge that they’ve been cruel, oppressive, and often violent toward gay people for no good reason.

They’d have to sit and think about all the pain, torture, discrimination, loneliness, misery and death that they and their ideology have put gay people through…and realize that it was all for nothing. That there was no end to justify those means. That it was just random, senseless cruelty that they inflicted on others.

They wouldn’t be able to say, “I know I seem mean, but I have nothing against you. It’s just that God says…” They wouldn’t be able to say, “I know this is hard, but it’s for your spiritual wellbeing in the long-run!”

They’d have to acknowledge that it wasn’t God, but themselves.

Phichit is the kind of roommate to wake up in the middle of the night because he remembered that humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas and then shakes Yuuri out of bed at 3 am because “Yuuri, Yuuri we’re half banana I’ve never been more shook”

Annabeth Hair Headcannons

When I was 12 I loved Annabeth because like…she didn’t really give a shit about what she looked like, and there would be moments where Rick would say “She woke up with a rat’s nest” or “She didn’t have time to brush it” and yeah. That meant a lot to little me. So here are some headcannons based on my own blonde, thick, curly hair experiences.

  • When she was living on the streets with Luke and Thalia, she wouldn’t really brush her hair. Sometimes she would, but she would only comb through the top later bcuz she was young and in a rush, so there was this giant hidden knot of tangles at the base of her neck.
  • (Thalia eventually had to cut off the clump because it was so gnarly. Annabeth named it “George”)
  • Back when she was still living at home, her stepmom would force her to sit down every morning so she could comb through the bed-head. She would rip the brush through Annabeth’s hair, and roll her eyes when she started crying. “Stop being dramatic. It’s not that bad.”
  • Because of that ^^, Annabeth’s head is basically numb now??? Like, you could tear out a clump of hair and she would hardly react.
  • She can’t fit all her hair under a hat. Even when it’s in a bun. It’s fucking impossible.
  • She gets tons of questions like “What shampoo/conditioner do you use?” and she’s like “…uh, whatever’s in the shower?? Department store shit?” and they nod like she’s just given them sage haircare advice.
  • Annabeth doesn’t cut her hair short. She can’t make herself, even though she knows it would be more practical to have short hair but…she can’t. It’s not a vanity thing. Her hair is unique, she knows this, and it’s sort of become a part of her. Like a calling card.
  • She feels the same way with dying her hair. Sometimes, she really hates being blonde, because there’s always some fuckboy who’s like “lol ur blonde u must be a dumb whore” which is stupid and doesn’t even make sense, but some ppl actually slut-shame her about it. So she keeps the color because fuck those people.
  • People are always asking to braid her hair. All the time. It’s fucking annoying.
  • (The only person she lets braid her hair is Piper because she actually knows what the fuck she’s doing.)
  • Some people just…touch her hair. Like, random strangers. In the grocery store, at the movies, in school. OMFG all the time in school, the kid sitting behind her will reach out and pat her hair, and she’ll turn around to glare and they’ll just be like “what?”
  • She plays with it when she’s hyper-focusing, twirling and twisting it around her fingers. Once when she was 13 a group of girls started teasing her about it. “Why do you always play with your hair? Do you think your special? Are you trying to flirt? You’re so weird and gross.” She stopped playing with it in public after that.  
  • She ALWAYS has hair-ties. ALWAYS. She’s that girl with, like, four hair-ties on her left wrist at all times. You need a hair-tie? Go to Annabeth, she’s gotchu.
  • All of her hair-ties break, though. Like, they just snap. She has to buy the super durable ones.
  • The only people who are allowed to play with her hair without asking for express permission are: Percy, Piper, Hazel (although she always asks anyways), and Rachel.
  • OMFG Rachel and Annabeth and Hazel bond over their curly hair. Like, they each have different kinds of curly hair, but they can all bond together over it.
  • Like, someone says “you can’t comb your hair in the shower” or “do you ever brush your hair?” and Annabeth, Rachel, and Hazel share a Look.
  • Annabeth went through a phase where whenever someone would say something like “OMG i would do anything to have your hair you’re so lucky,” she would respond with “ok i can shave it off and glue it to your head if you want” with a complete straight face. 
  • She gets headaches when she wears high ponytails.
  • Her hair gets REALLY poofy when she brushes it out. Like, just a cloud of poof. It’s such a relief when she does this sometimes, because it sort of takes off a lot of its weight.
  • If she ever does cut her hair, she’s going to donate it. All of it. 
  • She hates it when ppl call her “blondie”. Even Percy.
  • She’s actually broken a few hairbrushes before. But now she knows what kinds to buy.
  • For the last time, no. She doesn’t like straightening her hair. It takes forever, it’s really hot and uncomfortable, and it never stays. It’s stupid.
  • NO. BANGS. NEVER.
  • She can totally hide things in her hair. Sometimes ppl will stick pencils and pens in it. Percy and Piper have a game where they try to see how many things they can fit in her hair without her noticing.
  • She has to braid it when she swims. Like, none of that majestic hair-flowing-underwater crap. If her hair gets wet, it will tangle, and brushing that shit out is a pain in the ass.
  • She’s recognizable in a crowd. She sort of likes that.
  • Sometimes, Percy will refer to her hair as a lion’s mane. She sort of likes that.
  • Generally, she doesn’t really care about how it looks. It poofs up when it’s summer, it turns dark when it’s winter, and it will get tangles no matter how many times she brushes it. She doesn’t have the time or energy to care.
  • She doesn’t shave her legs, because who gives a shit? (also she’s blonde so the hair doesn’t really show up, so if she did care that wouldn’t be too much of a problem.)

Just….Annabeth dealing with her hair like only Annabeth would.

I make mistakes. All the time. I mess up and I hurt myself and I hurt other people and most of the time, we can all brush it off and laugh about it a month later. But this time? I don’t get to screw up this time. Because if I mess this up, I lose her. I’ve tried living without her, and believe me, I can’t do it.
—  from an unfinished story #815

Ok ok but Phichit and Yuuri probably tried to pair skate like total dorks back in Detroit.

The two being overly dramatic when arias are played, Phichit (trying) to lift Yuuri and only somewhat succeeding because Yuuri is pretending to die in his arms. Doing the entire single ladies routine on ice. Phichit holding ridiculous poses as Yuuri spins him around. Yuuri lifting Phichit up, Phichit holding his arms out wide and yelling “never let go jack!!!!!”. Doing a full on tango with a rose in Phichit’s mouth. Giggling as they fall on each other on the ice

Valentine’s Pity Rose [fic]

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! I hope everyone had a wonderful day, and I hope this fic makes it a little better!

This was written for @percyyoulittleshit  who gave me the prompt:  “So let me get this straight. You want to hire me to be your date to a Valentine’s Party?” I hope it lives up to your standards, Mari! 

–2142017–

“So let me get this straight. You want to hire me to be your date to a Valentine’s Day party?”

Annabeth sighed. Honestly, it sounded terrible when you said it that way. Well, she guessed that it would probably sound horrible any way you said it.

“Yes,” she snapped, tapping her foot against the sidewalk. “You just have to come to the party with me. We only have to stay for a few hours.”

Percy was silent as he considered. He was loading his band equipment into the back of his Jeep. Annabeth had seen him outside when she got home from track practice, which is when she decided to cross the street to his house and solicit his help.

Keep reading

Ok ok so I feel like its more commonly assumed that Phichit was probably pining for Yuuri for a while first before he had to be blatantly obvious that he had a big ole crush on Yuuri, but what if it was the other way around? Imagine if Phichit was the first person Yuuri found that he was really attracted to, and when he realized that, it hit him like a ton of bricks. 

He would try to play it cool and act normal, but start freaking out more than usual. Phichit is a naturally touchy person, even in the most platonic ways, but now every time he’s touched Yuuri jumps like he’s received an electric shock. When they’d have movie nights, they used to share a blanket and when Phichit offers, Yuuri scoots his ass as far away as he can on the couch. 

And Phichit’s like “What the hell man you’ve been acting weird all week…Yuuri did I do something wrong?”

“Nonono it’s not you I promise.”

“Well then what is it? And don’t say nothing because I can tell when something is bugging you.”

Yuuri clutches his elbows and doesn’t meet Phichit’s eyes.

“Yuuuuri~”

“Nnnnnn”

“Yuuri, don’t make me make you tell me,” he says with a devilish smirk. Phichit crawls towards Yuuri and pounces on him, tickling his sides. They crash to the ground with Yuuri laughing and gasping for air. 

They end up with Phichit sitting on top of Yuuri and pinning him to the floor. He bends down to whisper in Yuuri’s ear. “I’ll stop when you tell mee~.” Before he can lean back, Yuuri turns his head and captures Phichit’s lips in a quick kiss. 

Yuuri slaps a hand over his mouth as his face reddens. “I-I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-” He covers his entire face with both arms.

He feels Phichit’s fingers gently trying to peel his arms apart. “Yuuri,” he says softly, “Yuuri please come out..” He mumbles out a no, that he’s staying like this for forever, before feeling the soft press of lips to the skin of his forearm.

He peeks through the crack of his arms to find the worried gaze of Phichit above him, a little crease forming between his eyebrows. “Is this why you were acting odd? You… like me?” Yuuri manages a little nod. 

“Well, that kiss was a little sloppy. If you come out of there, we can try again, if you want.”

Yuuri slowly lets his arms fall to the side and pushes himself up on his elbows so his nose is a few inches from Phichit’s. “You… aren’t mad?”

Phichit lets out a breathy chuckle. “Oh Yuuri, why would I be mad? Especially when you look so cute like this?”

Yuuri felt his cheeks flush again, and leaned forward to kiss Phichit once more.

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE | BEN PLATT

BEN PLATT X READER

SUMMARY: Y/N and Ben are finally trying to tell each other how they feel- it just takes a little more effort and time than expected.

A/N: in honor of ben winning his tony !!! this is my first time writing for a deh cast member and tbh it makes me really nervous but i hope you guys like this !! it was originally longer but the whole got deleted so i had to rewrite it (which was very frustrating) enjoy!

__________

Y/N wasn’t mad that she didn’t get to go to the Tony Awards with Ben. In fact, when he asked her she had declined. She didn’t like being in big crowd, and being with him would make her on the receiving end of a lot of unwanted attention. She was perfectly content to sit on her couch and cheer her friends on inside her small apartment. She clapped and whooped each time Dear Evan Hansen won an award, but she screamed the loudest when Ben won his. She hadn’t doubted for a second that he would win, but seeing him standing on that stage, trying not to cry and giving his beautiful speech, it was hard not to be excited. Plus, Ben had promised that if celebrating was in order, then they would celebrate the day after with just the two of them. She thought it was a much better idea to have Ben all to herself rather than standing with him in front of a bunch of cameras.

And he held true to his promise. The day after the Tonys there was music blasting in Y/N’s apartment as her and Ben made cookies and danced crazily. The entirety of the tiny complex was filled to the brim with joy. As Y/N went to get bowls for the both of them for the ice cream that had set out, Ben snatched her hand and twirled her around. She laughed loudly as they started to sway and bounce win time to the music. He was holding her like they were at a high school dance. More than that, he was holding her like they were at a high school dance together.

The thing about Ben winning the Tony was that Olivia had offered Y/N a deal: if Ben won, she would have to tell him that she liked him in more than just a friendly way. She hadn’t taken the deal, because she’d known that the chances of him winning were too high and she wasn’t ready to tell him yet. She wasn’t ready to risk nine years of friendship just because she had some stupid crush that wouldn’t go away. But standing there with his hand resting on her back and his eyes staring into hers, she was considering it. It would be so easy to just let the words slip and relieve her of the weight that’d been sitting on her shoulders for years. Their dancing started to slow until they had stopped moving all together.

But he was still holding her. If she wasn’t mistaken, his grip was tightening. And she was almost positive that he was leaning, because she sure as hell was. They were so close, definitely closer than they’d been when they started dancing. Just a little bit more space to cover and they would’ve been kissing.

Except then the oven went off and they sprung apart. Ben rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and stumbled over his words. “Right, um, the cookies! We have to get the cookies.”

His voice shocked Y/N out of her trance and she plastered a smile on her face and nodded. They spent the rest of the evening eating and watching The Wizard of Oz, a safe distance away from each other.

It wasn’t until after Ben had left and Y/N was laying in bed that it hit her - He’d been leaning in. Ben had been about to kiss her just as much as she’d been about to kiss him. She couldn’t have imagined that, could she? He had been getting closer, hadn’t he? If he had…. Well, if he had, that changed everything.

__________

Ben was a bit confused while getting ready the day after he’d been at Y/N’s. He had gone over confident, ready to tell her how he felt, but then he just kept putting it off. And then they were dancing. And then they weren’t. And then he’d been leaning in - and he was pretty sure she had been doing the same. It was the perfect opportunity. And, really, standing there with her and watching her smile like that and her eyes dazzle, how could he resist?

Except they hadn’t kissed, and from then on they kept an achingly big distance between them. He hadn’t told her how he felt. Will and Mike were going to give him hell for it, he was sure, but more than that it completely diminished his confidence.

Sure enough, as soon as he walked into the theater Will and Mike were by his side.

“Did you tell her?” Will asked, smiling widely. Ben glanced over at Mike to see that he was wearing a matching smile.

“Well…..”

“You didn’t do it, did you?” Mike sighed.

“I tried! But I just…. couldn’t.” He let his shoulders sag as a frown found its way into his face.

“You gotta do it sometime, buddy, and today’s as good a day as any,” Will spoke as he and Mike started to walk away.

“You can do it!” Mike cheered. Ben smiled slightly at his friends encouragements, but there was still the weight of not having told her resting on his shoulders. He’d made a deal with Mike and Will that if he won the Tony he would tell Y/N how he felt, but he’d only agreed to it because he didn’t think he was going to win.

The idea of possibly ruining what he had with Y/N absolutely petrified him.

__________

Y/N made it a priority to come to the theater at least once a week to visit everyone. Usually, the first thing she did when she arrived was find Ben and greet him if he wasn’t too busy. This time was different. This time she sprinted through the halls, desperately hoping she wouldn’t run into Ben, until she made it to Laura’s dressing room. She’d already texted Laura, Kristolyn, and Olivia that she needed to talk to them, so she knew they were all waiting for her. The moment she opened the door their eyes were on her.

“Hey, Y/N! What’s this big thing you have to talk about?” Laura asked cheerfully.

“It’s about Ben.” The minute she said it the atmosphere changed. All three girls (and most of the cast and crew) knew about Y/N’s crush on Ben, and they could tell from the nervous look on her face that what she was going to say wasn’t necessarily good news. They waited silently in anticipation.

“Last night he came over for a mini Tony celebration, just the two of us. But while he was there we were dancing and he had his arm around me and then we stopped dancing and I was pretty sure he was going to kiss me but now I’m doubting it because the oven went off so it didn’t happen and I’m not entirely sure if he was actually going to kiss me, but I really wanted him to, you know? Not to mention that now that I’ve started thinking about it I can’t stop and I’m kind of concerned that I might need someone to physically restrain me from kissing him when I see him.”

She panted slightly from having talked so fast as they stared at her in shock. Suddenly, Olivia squealed. “He was going to kiss you? That’s amazing!” Y/N opened her mouth to explain that no, that was stressful, but she was cut off.

“If you’re expecting us to restrain you, don’t count on it,” Kristolyn piped in.

“Oh yeah, I’m not contributing to anything that keeps you two from finally getting together,” Laura grinned. Her friends were excited about this, she realized. That was a bit annoying, but also kind of endearing. She sat down as they started talking about her and Ben, dishing out advice on how to tell him how she felt about him.

__________

Ben knocked nervously in Rachel’s dressing room door. She opened it with a smile and he mustered on up in return, but let it drop when the anxiousness began to take over his expression again.

“Could I talk to you?” He asked. “You know, fake son to fake mom?” She looked him over with concern as she let him in. He wasn’t even in costume and he looked more like Evan than he did Ben.

“What’s wrong, honey?” She asked worriedly.

“It’s about a girl….” He trailed off and her face lit up. She knew as well as everyone that if Ben was having girl troubles it was about Y/N, and if there were troubles that meant that something had finally happened.

“I was over at Y/N’s last night and I almost did it. I almost kissed her, told her that I loved her, the whole deal. I didn’t get to, but I still want to - I just don’t know how. Every time I’m with her I just can’t do it.” He looked at her pleadingly and she gave him a small smile.

“This is gonna sound like really bad advice, but you’ve just got to tell her, Ben. Start talking, and once you do, trust me, you won’t be able to stop. I’ve seen the way you are with her, you’ve got a lot to say.” Ben nodded with confidence and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and a thank you. And then he was out the door and on his way to find Y/N.

__________

Y/N was sitting in Ben’s dressing room a little while before the show. She’d been slightly avoiding Ben all day, but now she was waiting for him. Though half of her hoped he wouldn’t be stopping by before the show started. She knew it had to happen the next time she saw him, but it terrified her.

She looked up, startled, when the door opened and closed quickly. Suddenly, Ben was in the room with her. He leaned against the door and sighed, running a hand over his face with his eyes closed. When he opened them he made a noise of surprise at Y/N’s presence and she smiled softly at him. She couldn’t help what he did to her - he made everything seem better. When they were together everything seemed easier.

“How long have you been here? I’ve been looking all over for you,” He said. He looked nervous, and Y/N wondered if he was already in character or if he was genuinely anxious about something.

“Not too long, I’ve been all around today. I wanted to see you before the show, though.” He smiled at the thought of her waiting in hopes of seeing him.

“That’s good, I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about.” He looked over at her and she watched him expectantly. “Um, Rachel said I should just start talking, so - uh - here goes nothing.” He took a deep breath, and then began to speak.

“We’ve been friends for a really long time, and I think it’s probably time that you should know - the first time I ever saw you I stopped breathing. You looked so gorgeous. You literally took my breath away, and you still do - every day. One time - and I can’t even remember what we were laughing about - but we were in your apartment and laughing like crazy. We couldn’t stop. I remember looking around and thinking ‘I could do this for the rest of my life. I could spend the rest of my life laughing with you and I’d be happy. I’d be so happy.’ And then I looked over at you, and you looked so beautiful. You always look so beautiful. I looked at you, and it hit me. And I sat there thinking 'wow, so this is what being in love feels like.’” He laughed nervously, avoiding looking at her, scared that she might be disgusted or be looking at him with pity.

“Y/N,” he took another deep breath and looked her in the eyes. She was staring at him with wonder, but he couldn’t tell if she was happy or not. “I am so completely in love with you.”

The silence was painful. Deafening. The silence made it clear to him that he’d ruined it. He’d messed everything up. He looked down at his shoes to avoid having to look at her.

“I love you too.” His head snapped up as her voice reached his ears. She was smiling bigger than he’d ever seen and her eyes were filled with tears. “I can’t believe I came here to tell that I love you and you beat me to it,” she laughed. He stared at her in shock as she felt the happiness filling her up.

“Okay, real quick because I’ve been saying this in my head for a few hours now and I need to say it out loud: Ben, when I first met you I knew. I knew I wanted to be with you forever. Maybe platonically, maybe romantically - it didn’t really matter. But then it did. Then it did because every day I found something new about you that I loved. Every day I could feel myself falling in love, and it felt so damn good. Being in love with you makes me so happy.”

They were standing in front of each other smiling. And then he was leaning in, and then she was leaning in, and they were both one hundred percent positive that the other was doing it this time. Except then someone called out for Ben because the show was starting in only a few minutes.

He apologized profusely before running out and towards the stage. She smiled as she watched him go. She waited for the entire show in his dressing room. He didn’t make it back for intermission, but that was okay. Mostly because it was just around when intermission ended that she realized he had said something along the lines of wanting to spend the rest of his life with her.

__________

When the show ended the cast were all grouped together backstage in their pre-show dance party hallway. They were all rushing with adrenaline from the show and the applause from the audience, excitedly talking. All except Ben - he was strangely quiet.

“Are you feeling okay?” Jennifer asked with a motherly type concern. He was about to respond when they heard shouts from down the hallway.

“Ben!” They all turned to see Y/N bounding down the hallway until she stopped in front in Ben, breathing heavily. “I’m sorry, just have to make sure, did you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” He nodded with a smile as everyone watched with wide eyes. “Oh, thank god,” she breathed.

And then her arms were around his neck and his were around her waist and they were finally kissing. Everybody was cheering by the time they pulled apart, and they both stared at each other with wide smiles.

Discreetly, Will, Mike, and Olivia high fived in the background of all the commotion.