race ink

i loved you
through the lies
through the broken promises
through the fights
through MY mental illness
through YOUR mental illness
through fucking everything
i still do
but you
you couldnt love me enough to stay
—  this isnt pretty
I can’t love you. I’m not myself right now. And I couldn’t stand the thought of you falling for a girl I’m not. I can’t tell you how I feel when I see you. How my heart starts racing and my hands keep shaking. I can’t tell you because you’re good and I’m not.
I’m scared I’m never going to find someone who looks at me the same way you did. Someone who admires the ground I walk on and compliments me in ways that compliments my soul rather than my body or my face. You were one of a kind in that way. You touched me in ways that no one physically could and our minds aligned in ways that seemed other worldly. Your wit challenged me. Your humor had me enamored. I am terrified that you were it, that that was the closest and the most in sync I will ever be with anyone. How is it that I can walk around scared of this while you go about your life? A few weeks before you left, you told me that I saved your life. You told me I pulled you out from a dark place and that I was the light for you at times. How is it that you can say all that and I can believe it and then you can just move on? How is it that in a place with all of our friends it is always me that is the one who seems out of place? How is it that you are so coy about all of the tension that dances in the air around us? How are you? Because I am scared.
If ever in the midst of your running, you glance over your shoulder and hope to cling to what you must forsake, you will soon realize that you have a decision to make. Do you want Jesus or do you want the world? You cannot have both. But remember this: Christ comes to the threshold of your life, with arms wide open, shouting, ‘You must love me more! You must love me more!’ He knows the world will fail you in every devastatingly possible way, but He will never do the same. So, when the world tempts you, turn your head around to face the light once again. Abandon hesitation and replace it with haste. Run faster than ever before.
—  Ellie Johnson, Hold Out For No ‘Heroes’